healing diaries

blog for myself so I can stay silly on main

[tiredcrisp]

— Clementine von Radics, from Courtney Love Prays to Oregon

[timetravelsong]

𝐈 𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐬 - 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐥𝐥, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞, 𝐈’𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐞.

excerpts from a book I’ll never write

[tiredcrisp]

Discovered this song today when it made me cry on the way back from work

Only consistency in your periphery

Is fear and the bridge of your nose

And as you move about

You learn to tune 'em out

But they say they continue to grow

Fear of the past and relative pain

Future's coming fast, you've got nothing in the tank

In a season of purging things you used to love

Everything must go, mm-hmm

Make an oath then make mistakes

Start a streak you're bound to break

When darkness rolls on you

Push on through

Push on through

Then before you know, you lose some people close

Forcing you to manage your pace

Found your capacity for love and tragedy

Embracing how things always change

You've had your turns with relative pain

Little less concerned when there's nothing in the tank

In a season of lessons learned in giving up

You learn what you can and can't take, mm-hmm

Add some years, build some trust

You start to feel your eyes adjust

When darkness rolls on you

Push on through

Push on through

You don't quite mind

You don't quite mind

You don't quite mind how long red lights are taking

(Push on through)

Your favorite song was on the oldies station

(Push on through)

You have it down

That old fight for survival

(Push on through)

You're in the crowd at her first dance recital

(Push on through)

Make an oath then make mistakes

Start a streak you're bound to break

When darkness rolls on you

Push on through

[veryluckyclovers]

on trauma

[desultory-suggestions]

It turns out that you can become the person you’ve always envisioned but you’ll still have the person you were before inside of you and you have to treat them with as much forgiveness and love as possible

[fatimazainab]

“how do you get stuff done?” with tears in my eyes.

[honeydewdrops333]

what doesn’t kill you makes your nervous system more sensitive for the rest of your life

[local-lesbian-tree-demon]

they should invent a body that feels normal to be inside of

[mockiatoh]

You can’t deserve a person’s love. You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking like that. They either love you, or they don’t. That doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough for them to love you, because love isn’t something you earn by being good enough. It isn’t something that can be quantified or doled out. Don’t blame yourself for not being loved how you need to, just teach yourself how to look for love where love lives.

[mockiatoh]

This isn’t just about romantic love, or even skewed towards romantic love, although it does apply there too. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to accept is that my mother simply wasn’t someone who was capable of loving me, and there is no version of me that I could have ever been that would have earned that love. But with acceptance came healing. I was able to love myself more instead of resenting myself for not being more than any one person could be.

[mockiatoh]

Are you listening? Even love for yourself isn’t earned. It is a kindness you give yourself.

[indomie-fried-noodle]

[kosmogrl]

once I crawl out of this stupid hole i’ll be unstoppable, you’ll see

[tiredcrisp]

[tiredcrisp]

Silliest fact about recovery is that for the most part you're not actually recovered yet it's crucial that you keep going, even while feeling the dumbest clown in the circus struggling to keep the farce going

[notgreatbob]

''i wasted those years'' who cares. you lived the only life you could've lived in those moments

[callmezeemonic]

You did the best you could with all you had and knew. That was then. Here is now

[castaras]

prev tags correct

[achillesinhighheels]

[changelingcoded]

how are we feeling today

[crispyanonart]

what else you do when you are not being a part time punk?

Man I'm barely surviving but also I'm trying to have some fun while I'm at it lol

Actually though, not to turn something fun into something serious, but I picked that name for my blog when I came back on tumblr without thinking too much of it, and it ended up being extremely fitting.

In my life I never felt *wholly* something - I never really belonged anywhere but I felt connected and attracted to all sorts of people and situations. As a teen I was a menace but cared about good grades, I was kind of a social butterfly despite not being popular with the good kids and feeling out of place most of the times, growing up I got myself in a lot of questionable situations, but no one could know I was doing all that, I had tons of interests but never felt like I was committing enough to join the communities that surrounded said interests. I always thrived in the outskirt of things!! I looked for my identity in everything, and the reflection never came back full, yet collecting enough pieces got me an interesting mosaic

Growing up changes you, but only so much. The thing is, as you become an adult, there's even less space and acceptance for fluidity and being multifaceted from the outside, but there's also less energy coming from yourself, especially once you're spread thin with responsibilities and worries.

So yeah, currently I'm not everything I've dreamed of being, but in some ways I'm way more than I've ever thought I could be.

I don't go protest as often as I used to, but I am able to support causes and organizations in different ways that matter. I’m not on lookout while people hang angry posters at night anymore, but I make sure to sneak disobedience into every corporate situation I’m in. I make it a point to create a safe space for anyone that needs it as much as my nerdy, troubled, gay little friend group did for me despite my inconsistencies. I still go to concerts. I'm more socially anxious. I try to love myself in a world that profits from my self doubt. Still I doubt myself everyday because I want to do more but I don't know if I'm capable. I try to be a better adult than the adults I had surrounding me when I was a kid. All these little things give me so, so much back, made me find myself again after the lowest of my depression. Something is always WAY better than nothing. You're not too much, or too little. Here's to being a jack of all the trades you love!!

anyway so my therapist will know about this, and thank you anon for the unexpectedly deep ask ✌🏼 peace out