Reality Is a Lovely Place. But I Wouldn't Want to

You write so beautifully, your mind must be a terrible place.

[tomorrow-was-great]

We’ve run out of time

[tomorrow-was-great]

The break-up was like crying after you fall over. It isn't the grazed knee or sprained ankle that hurts, it's just the shock

[tomorrow-was-great]

I don't talk to myself.

Instead, I rehearse conversations I'll never have.

Outloud. With people I may never see again

[tomorrow-was-great]

A Clichéd New Year New Me:

I’m divided.

 Divided between throwing in the towel, giving in, and welcoming the darkness through a razor blade. Or alternatively, renovating myself so I can throw the middle finger up at all those that have doubted me, left me or put me in this insecure place. I can aim to aim to reach new heights, achieve fantastic things, and learn to love myself.

 To ignore the first choice, and pursue the latter, this new Years I promise to myself that I will:

 ·      See the positive in all things; stop asking why life hates me, and just be grateful I have parents that love me, a healthy and beautiful body, a financially stable lifestyle and bank account, and a working career ahead of me once I complete my internship and engineering university degree.

·      Show my body I love it; go back to my gym routine I enjoyed two months ago and add an extra run, abs exercise, and yoga to it – happy body happy soul.

·      Enjoy food again; spend an extra few pounds on my weekly shop in order to make lunches I can get excited about, dinners that are packed with nutrition, and breakfasts that are healthy. Meanwhile, don’t feel bad for indulging in weekly sticky toffee puddings at the pub with friends.

·      Be the social butterfly people once knew me by; meet and greet every new face, remember strangers’ names, and keep in contact with everyone along the way.

·      Pierce my ears; a symbol of getting over my fears. If I can let someone penetrate my ear with a piece of metal after 21 years of avoiding it, then surely I can get over my other mental fears and insecurities,

·      Have a new look; cut and dye my hair so when I look in the mirror I see the new person I promise I will be. I will be confident, I will be happy and I will smile.

[tomorrow-was-great]

Exponential Depression

Twice a month the feeling starts to creep,

Whilst from my body my soul does seep.

Escapes and flees to a better place,

My thirst to live not since been replaced.

 Now once a week I feel it come,

Gives no warning just knocks me numb.

No emotions are even there.

Inside I’m blank, I’ve been stripped bare.

 Twice a week I get like this;

Seek out my bed, days I miss. Provoke pain to banish it;

Nail and cut and burn and kick.

 Pattern’s constant, wheel spins.

Work, cook, eat, take out bins.

Continue pretending,

To avoid depending.

 Sense it everyday.

Know it’s underway.

No escape, can’t hide.

I’ve heard some confide?

 Hidden, I wept

My secret’s kept.

Alone I stay,

Push friends away

 Just a shell,

Living hell,

Hollow thing,

Ice cold skin.

 Alive,

Of course,

Living

Remorse.

 What’s

Left

But

[tomorrow-was-great]

Yes I can appreciate her. Yes, a part of me wants her too. But no, I could never love her. The reason? It’s simple - our auras don’t match. She is like… honeysuckle, whilst I’m more citrus. That’s why I longed for you. We have the same wavelength. We ride the same current. You’re a lime and I’m an orange. We match, and are meant to be together. I can smell you, taste you, feel you from the other side of the room, from the other side of the world. Our auras will always pull towards each other. They’ll always click. You can’t pretend to create a buzz, to imagine static electricity, that was never even there. You’re born with that. You’re born with an aura that matches and is meant to mix with only a select few. And it’s only those that you can really fall in love with, whether you allow yourself to or not.”

[tomorrow-was-great]

In one swift move he stopped stirring his coffee and grabbed her hand with urgency. Then, as if it pained him, frowning as he said it, whispered the words she knew had been at the back of his head since their relationship began; “once you give away your heart once, can you really ever take it back to fully give again?” Despite her normal indecisive behaviour, at this moment, next to him, she knew her answer before the thoughts had even formed or the words had left her mouth. “Yes.” She explained, “you aren’t just born with one heart, but have lots of mini hearts that you give away to all the brief encounters you have over your lifetime. They are a variety of shapes and sizes and you don't realise what size heart you lost until you are handing out the next one. It’s only then you realise that the heart you gave her and thought weighed a tonne was really only a couple of grams compared to the one you might now have in your hand ready to offer to the next person that makes an impact.” That’s when he knew she was right, and from now on he would weigh a lot less.

[tomorrow-was-great]

The Hunt

They must stand up tall at six foot three

Have the brains, intuition and a college degree.

No past girlfriends you may want to destroy,

Always a bonus when you look for a boy

 White teeth, killer smile that reaches the eyes

Remembers your birthday and plans the surprise

You hope he’ll change, that good guy gone bad

A challenge for you - change and mould the lad

 The elephant in the room – the enormous package

No secret children or similar baggage

Can knock back his pints, Corona, Peroni and Stella

But can handle his booze, a respectful fella

 Big arms that will hold you all through the night

A romantic dinner by the candlelight

Be patient and kind and good with their hands

Just a couple of things you hope in a man

 Tells you he loves you day after day

Makes sure you’re ready, never rushes foreplay

Holds your hand tight, picks you up in his Bendz

Guess you’re not THAT fussy when choosing boyfriends

[tomorrow-was-great]

Priorities

Tequila downed, poured vodka plenty,

Jagers finished and punch bowls emptied.

 Boobs pushed up, skirt pulled short

Strips of clothe with little support.

 Cheek bones highlighted, eyes all winged,

Hair backcombed and fingers ringed.

 The screaming starts as the girls assemble

The excitement escalates, makes them tremble

 Queues for ages in the cold and rain.

Heels now killing, ignores the pain

 Entrance fees and ID inspections,

Bathroom trip to check reflections.

 Once confirmed and beautified

strut to the bar, the gals alongside

 Order the usual, why mess with the classics

Then eye up the talent with the usual tactics.

 A cutey’s been spotted, take to the floor

Stick with just eye fucks – he’ll come for more

 He grabs the waist, offers a drink

Meets the lips before you can think

 Over his shoulder you scan the room

Ensure fuckboy is watching, then resume.

[tomorrow-was-great]

Our ‘Special’ Night

I feel sick. Violated. Trashed.

Used. Done With. Harassed.

Punctured. Deflated. Flat.

Silenced. Scarred... Attacked.

[tomorrow-was-great]

My Valentine

Flowers in one hand, a card in the other,

Blessings are given by father and mother.

Guitar chords seduce all the serenaded

Memories of last week’s arguments are faded

 Somehow the wrongs are over shun by this day

The fights and harsh words long since whittled away

But there’s a time limit of two dozen hours

Yet you are oblivious in your ivory tower

 I know it’s a show, to seem like they care

That’s all couples are, a constant vanity fair.

So this February fourteenth, when I’m all alone

I will be glad my valentine chose to postpone.

[tomorrow-was-great]

Gone Girl

She washed off her makeup along with her mask

aware the act she was playing could no longer last.

  Now her secret is out, thrown away with the key.

Similar to death, but an improving variety.

[tomorrow-was-great]

Where I Live Now

My life is not from a movie

Or a sitcom or even a book

It is just here in reality

Which hurts a whole lot more than it should

[tomorrow-was-great]

Abstract Noun

We are so similar to the idea of light

We only exist in the presence of flight.

Without the world, in the absence of dark

Gone from distractions we make our mark.

  We are so similar to all the emotions,

So controversial and lost in commotion.

We show how we feel whilst holding some back

Committing to one, so in others we lack.

  We are so similar to concepts of time travel,

Incomprehensible riddles to unravel.

We exist as a theory, complex and profound.

You see my dear, we're only abstract nouns

[tomorrow-was-great]

The Game

Think he noticed, I didst not

Yet from that stare, I feel he might

See, his attention I always fought

Since his soul was worth the fight.

  Strong eye amour we did hold

Yet glanced aside when time called stop

My actions next were far too bold

So regret I own is such a lot

  Myself I trapped in rooms aplenty

To starve my stomach and its sorrows

All calls avoided, and letters empty

Saw no future, ignored tomorrows

  He lived his life, and thought me none

For only my life, did I shun. 

[tomorrow-was-great]

Lost Generation

They give us rules to break them down;

No stability to be found.

We are all lost, which way to go?

This generation will never know.

  We look to those who guide our way;

The empty idols who lead astray,

Suggest we turn to films and books,

Erotic fiction all based on looks.

  So brains and virtue are banished quick

replaced by buttons and their click. 

[tomorrow-was-great]

Denial

I asked him if he used me. He swore to me no

Now all I have are bruises and scars to show.

A dent in my heart, a deep scratch on my brain

Will I, can I, should I, trust another guy again?

  A stroke of my hair, a kiss on the cheek,

That’s all it took me to forget his moments of weak,

When he lashed out at me, and made my eye turn blue,

Then caressed it better, whispering, I still love you.

  Nobody’s perfect, we all have bad sides,

I have dark secrets I never wish to confide,

His were our treasures, kept within the four walls,

It brought us closer, and deeper we did fall.

  We were mixed with love, in a dead ended place,

Where problems were hidden, and will never be faced.