On defending ace orientation
This past weekend I came across a spirited discussion of addressing detractors who harass ace people. The conversation took place in the comments of a book review of my book, The Invisible Orientation.
Itās inappropriate for authors to respond to book reviews, even if someoneās being horrible or saying untrue things (thatās not the case here). So I donāt think itād be very smart for me to join that conversation, even if they didnāt know I was doing so as the author. I think itās very important that people feel safe having their own reactions to books (including mine) and donāt have to worry that the author will swoop down and shriek at them for giving them a bad review (this wasnāt a bad review, either).Ā
But the discussion they had reminded me of something Iād like to independently discuss, and that is this: how, and to what extent, ace people should address detractors.
One of the main things I saw in the book review conversation kinda came down toĀ āWow, itās fucked up that this author is telling marginalized people that itās their job to educate the ignorant. What she is suggesting is dangerous!ā And I was pretty surprised that that was anyoneās takeaway.
Mostly because I am one of those marginalized people and I have been in MANY, MANY situations where I have been expected to engage on this topic, and itās certainly not as simple as choosing to educate or not.Ā
Some of the people with whom Iāve had that terrible conversation were very close loved ones whose failure to accept my orientation was intensely hurtful, and itās not always possible to ājust walk awayā or ārefuse to engageā with certain people. (And though this wasnāt my situation, many of the people who need advice on how to make peace with detractors are minors, people living under someone elseās care, people with partners they canāt just up and leave, or people who do not get to choose their living situation for other reasons. They shouldnāt have to educate or defend the orientation, but sometimes doing so is preferable to other options.)
I found it very strange that the reviewer and some of the commenters believed the book was recommending engagement on these terms for every situation; one even specifically said I did not offer the option ofĀ ārefusing to dealā with it. Weird, because the section in question was about how to deal with disrespectful people, and it is preceded by several acknowledgments that you donāt actually have to engage:
And why should you have to deal with such things? You donāt! If a question you are asked is too personal, you have the right act as revolted as you feel. There is no excuse for someone to ask for intricate and intimate details about your anatomy, your sex life, your masturbatory habits, or your possible trauma. Be really firm about it if this happens to you and you donāt find it appropriateā make it clear that questions like that are really offensive.
If youāre uncomfortable dealing with these sorts of queries, pawn people off on other resources (this book, for instance!) or give general answers to specific questions.
But what if youāre getting the third degree and getting backed into a corner? What should you do? Always try respectful responses first, but donāt be afraid of being confrontational if itās warranted. If detractors insult you, reframe something about your life in an unflattering way and/or lie about it, make unrealistic or shame-based predictions, accuse you of anything they shouldnāt, or try to bargain with you about your obligations regarding dating or sex, you can feel free to either treat them like theyāre ridiculous or end the conversation.
You deserve respect and you shouldnāt be made to feel like youāre on the defensive when youāre talking about asexuality. You shouldnāt have to prove how you feel, feel as though your critic is automatically right if you canāt express yourself effectively, or feel that their education is your responsibility.
So ā¦ Iām pretty taken aback hearing that anyone whoās just read all of those quotes reported in their review that Iām dangerously insisting aces must engage with detractors and turn them into allies with no acknowledgment that they arenāt obligated to do so. I say explicitly that their education isnāt your responsibility. I still definitely feel that way.
That said, as an activist, many of my negative encounters have been with people I donāt personally know. The advice offered in the book is for any type of conversation partner, including the various impersonal attacks people like me deal with pretty much every time they try to offer education to those who would take it.Ā
Iāve been harassed in YouTube comments, contacted through e-mail and shamed every time Iām published, buried under sexual propositions and justification demands in private Facebook messages, mocked and scrutinized in the comments of every interview Iāve done, stalked in real life multiple times, and attacked on Tumblr by multiple generations of anti-ace brigades. TheĀ ārudeā techniques and aggressive hand Iāve applied with some of those detractors have worked for my purposes in some cases: either in getting rid of someone, or in shocking them into realizing what a dick theyāre being.Ā
It has happened multiple times that some troll lulz their way into my comments expecting a pearl-clutching snowflake and instead getting a rather reasonably worded fire hose of shit in their face. Sometimes it starts a fight. Sometimes it leads toĀ āoof. I didnāt realize you were a person and not a funny concept and that Iām doing real harm by talking to you like that. Iāll stop.ā Iāve had people apologize to me immediately or even years after the fact. I HAVE ACTUALLY created allies through talking to people the way they talk to me, sometimes.
I do not believe aces are obligated, ever, on any level, to use ace discourse to make allies out of assholes. But it isnāt wrong for me to say that some of us donāt want to approach every negative conversation withĀ āit isnāt my job to educate you, so I will never educate anyone.ā I am an ace educator. I get to choose the terms and I get to decide if someone deserves it, yes. But when people sayĀ āIt isnāt my job to educate you,ā Iām gonna also say that some of us, some who are educators, choose to make that our job. Maybe the person who reads that section of the book wants to join me.
So in case it was ever unclear, I want to go on record here saying that educating people on asexuality-related issues is up to you. Most ace people just want to be ace people, and they have a right to expect that their loved ones and anyone they disclose their asexuality to is going to be understanding and respectful. They donāt need to prepare for a life of constant patience and deference to peopleās ignorance. They donāt need to tolerate harassment and grossness for some higher duty thatās theirs just by virtue of being marginalized.Ā
But if we do choose to have those conversations, I have lots of experience succeeding in my goals of educating those who will listen (and sometimes thatās not my conversation partner who becomes educated, but the people who learned from the teaching tool I made out of it). I donāt think acknowledging that some of us want to educateāand providing tools to do soāconstitutes telling ace people as a collective marginalized minority that this is our job.
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