rad fibs to tell your parents

I live in Denver - Stapleton to be precise. I grew up in South Florida but spent my formative years (18-29) in Chicago. I'm a lawyer and a mom to Lila and Peej.

[trackster]

I had a dream last night that I was at the White House for some unspecified purpose, and I went to walk into the room where my buddies were. (Like a group of bros I was hanging out with? Coworkers? Friends?) and Trump was in there and he was handsome in person. Not, like, attractive in any way (and I've had some weird sex dreams over the years but this one would make me suicidal) but just handsome. So I assume I'm going to have a horrible day.

[pappas69]

Tag me with your crush

[haveuseenmyhalo]

I mean 🤤

[pandoranora-deactivated20181223]

[kangamommy-deactivated20181203]

Can you believe they don’t have a gif of Shawn Cassidy?

[endlessvoidsnkittens]

[spinningininfinity]

[msdeenyc]

[chippinawayatlife-deactivated20]

[alwaysreesey-deactivated2025030]

[trnsatlanticfoe-deactivated2019]

*swoons* 😍❤️

[vanpocalypse-deactivated2018041]

For real.

[shorterexcerpts]

[abearfoot-deactivated20190919]

[trackster]

Obvi

[trackster]

Certain Dri Things

I forgot I had showered and shaved my pits just before dinner, but then I still applied Certain Dri before bed as usual, and I have to be honest that my underarm situation is pretty dire right now.

[donnathepirana]

Trump's next five communications directors

1. Mel Gibson 3. Lucille Bluth 2. A very aggressive rooster 4. Nell, from the movie Nell 5. Anthony Weiner’s penis

[donnathepirana]

6. The “how bout dat” girl 7. The angriest 10 year old at Walmart 8. A medium channeling Roy Cohn 9. Literally Satan 10. Vladimir Putin

[donnathepirana]

11. One of those screaming rubber ducks 12. Tim Tebow and his mom 13. The creators of South Park 14. Buddy Garrity 15. Yosemite Sam

[trackster]

Honestly, how weird is it that Tebow has stayed out of this mess? Has anyone confirmed that he's OK? Is he still baseballing?

[rh-of-the-andromeda-galaxy]

[trackster]

Guys, at 12:21 MDT I checked the WaPo and mused how strange it was that nothing much has happened in Trumpland today. 20 minutes later...

[trackster]

Some people just want to watch the world burn. (Don't reblog my kid pls.)

[ghost-in-the-ujb]

Timothy Burke on Twitter

“McCain comes to the front, loudly says "NO" then walks off: https://t.co/vsQ1EolKiM”

Watching this and hearing the gasps of relief and seeing all the reactions from the Democrats is really something. There’s a gif in the thread where you can see Gillibrand shoot out of her seat and (I think) Sherrod Brown fist pumping in the back.

[trackster]

On Deadspin there is also a version with like a professional wrestling track playing and it's pretty funny to pretend he just body slammed McConnell when he walks sadly away.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Nine Months: 6 of 10 Goldblums

Nine Months (1995)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum is the only character who utters the word “abortion” after his best friend, Nineties Hair Arches Hugh Grant–who has never wanted children, has never liked  children, and is in a clearly unstable relationship–knocks up his girlfriend. Then Goldblum, failing artist, cheers up Hugh Grant by getting his ear pierced and taking him rollerblading, because nineties.

Goldblum presence: 5/10

Tom Arnold gets more screen time than he does. No no no.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

His artist mullet, while it could certainly be worse, still leaves something to be desired. But he’s young, and athletic, and (naturally) has a 25-year-old girlfriend, so, okay then.

Goldbluminess: 6/10

Surrounded by tiny Brits and Julianne Moore, he’s possibly at his tallest, and you better believe he’s sexy-flippant during a rollerblading encounter with a sexy babe; however, he’s too busy being the suave-yet-lonely-childfree-pal to rapid monologue, and his hands are too busy painting or playing tennis to float. And they forgot to put a piano in the winery he lives in.

[trackster]

Honestly, this was one of the movies that started my thing for Goldblum. I watched this REPEATEDLY on cable. And it is not a good movie. At all. This one and Vibes, which was constantly on Comedy Central in the early 90s. ( I originally said Tremors, which is that stupid Kevin Bacon movie.)

[maritsa-met-deactivated20210227]

@fridaphile “oh no, Susan, this is definitely what they’re supposed to look like. It’s all the rage! Now tell me again why you hate poor people?”

[asfadedasmyjeans]

I just saw the clip on MSNBC of this women standing behind tr*mp and I have so many questions. 

[asfadedasmyjeans]

like is she being serious?? I can’t stop scrolling back up to look at them again

[trackster]

Do we know who she is yet? I’m shook because she’s otherwise perfectly lovely looking. What is happening here?

[maritsa-met-deactivated20210227]

Just that she’s one of Obamacare’s “victims” trotted out for trumps “Obamacare is death” (real quote) press conference

[trackster]

I mean, if this is what Obamacare does to a person, maybe I'm for repeal. 😬 (I'm not.)

[maritsa-met-deactivated20210227]

@fridaphile “oh no, Susan, this is definitely what they’re supposed to look like. It’s all the rage! Now tell me again why you hate poor people?”

[asfadedasmyjeans]

I just saw the clip on MSNBC of this women standing behind tr*mp and I have so many questions. 

[asfadedasmyjeans]

like is she being serious?? I can’t stop scrolling back up to look at them again

[trackster]

Do we know who she is yet? I'm shook because she's otherwise perfectly lovely looking. What is happening here?

[trackster]

I just found out via Facebook that my brother’s brother-in-law, Ben, has a 2 year old kid. We went on vacation to Disney World with Ben and his parents (and my bro and SIL) and no one mentioned the kid once. Apparently he lives with his mom and her parents, the mom has substance abuse issues, and my brother has no idea what custody Ben has because he can’t ask my SIL because it stresses her out and her parents won’t really talk about it. He says Ben has talked to him about it, but he doesn’t remember that many details.

I told my brother, “But that’s your nephew. Don’t you care?” And he said, “I had no idea whether he would ultimately be in my life at all...” 

My brother’s in-laws are so unbelievably weird.

[brainstatic]

The Blue Collar Billionaire thinks health insurance costs one dollar a month.

[tap-shoes]

[womanthouartgoofed]

I read this earlier today, and that’s when I closed my laptop and went for a very long, very hot walk.

[new-boot-goofin-deactivated2018]

I mean, for the record, my health insurance at my first job was $180 a month and had a $6,000 deductible. 

Why do I know more about insurance than the man who is apparently being asked to help make decisions about it? I don’t feel good about that. 

Do I even need to say that anymore?

[bbcwhereareyou]

This one is definitely going into my “save a pdf of this nonsense in case it gets pulled from the internet” folder. 

[trackster]

There has been some speculation he is confused between life insurance and health insurance. Because this does make sense for a life insurance annuity situation. Which is a totally different situation than health insurance.

[trackster]

For Example

PJ-isms this morning:

“I like noodles. If you feel sad, you can eat noodles and you’ll feel better.”

“Mommy, can you play Hello? That’s a song by a singer called Adele.”

And, tragically:

PJ: “Bella died, but she’ll be back soon.”

Lila: “No, PJ, dead means she’s never coming back. But we’re so lucky to have Rossy now.”

His little face just collapsed as he apparently finally understood, but then he comforted me as I started to cry. Kids are magic, y’all.

[helloeverybodysparklesparkle]

It turns out parenthood is worse than divorce, unemployment — even the death of a partner

A new study shows that the happiness of a first-time parent falls after the baby arrives. That may be why so many don't end up having a second.

This was done in Germany, on a population of 2,016 Germans.

“The data showed the larger the loss in well-being, the lower the likelihood of a second baby. The effect was especially strong in mothers and fathers who are older than age 30 and with higher education.”

Lovely!

And, “The findings are likely to be eye-opening for some policymakers who are concerned about low fertility rates in their countries and suggest that governments should consider giving additional support to new parents.”

Lol, as if the US would do such a thing. I do wonder what US results would be. It does make a person think.

I am no expert on statistics or statistical methods. I wish I knew more. This was of course a study using a 0-10 satisfaction scale that did not ask specifically about the birth of the child, but a more general “how satisfied are you with your life” question.

[trackster]

This is also for the first year post-baby, which for me was pretty rough. I would say I was unhappy-to- miserable for maybe 8 months after Lila and probably 10 months for PJ. (He was by far a more difficult infant.) At those times, the babies’ behavior was pretty predictable, and I was able to schedule/plan my life accordingly. I think people who are inflexible on their own schedules or who really like staying up and waking up late have more trouble. I know so many people who complained constantly about their kids waking up at 5:30 for the first two years. Personally, I just planned for it and got in bed at 9 every night. No big deal. My kids now sleep “late” until 6:30 or 7 every day. LOL.

I think a lot of your satisfaction with kids is what you make of it. If you focus on the tantrums and the monotony of their routines, you’re going to be miserable. If you focus on them and their little brains experiencing the world, you’re going to be happier. If you try to get a lot of things done with your kids in tow, you’re going to be irritated. If you plan that your grocery run is going to take forever and involve two trips to the bathroom and a mid-store game of I-spy, you’ll be happier.

To that end, I think working is really good for parents’ mental health. You have those hours of the day when you can be unencumbered by childcare and its attendant worries.You can just be you, doing your job without any extra appendages.

(This answer does not address issues of PPD, to be totally clear.)

[pinataparty23-deactivated201404]

i’m awful. but awful rhymes with waffle, so it’s not that bad

[jesusinc-deactivated20151108]

[every english speaking non american/Canadian sighs deeply]

[noterfsathogwarts]

omfg why the fuck would you pronounce awful like waffle? wtf is going on in america?

[gaydelgard]

im trying to think how either of those words could possibly be pronounced in any other way

[fuckyeahrichardiii]

i’m an american and so can say with certainty that “awful” and “waffle” do not rhyme here

[blueandbluer]

LOL yeah, fyrIII and I are from the same area and I was totally thinking they definitely don’t rhyme here. However, Ser is from California, and I just tested him – he uses the same exact vowel and for him, they rhyme.

[tami-taylors-hair]

I’m from Tennessee and I have been saying both words out loud and cannot come up with a scenario in which they don’t rhyme. How do y’all say waffle?? or awful? 

[trackster]

I’ve lived all over the US - Florida, North Carolina, Massachusetts, Chicago, Colorado - and the only time I’ve heard anyone pronounce one of these words so they wouldn’t rhyme is that New York coawfee talk accent, where you would say awful with a more pronounced w. But even then the two words are an approximate rhyme. I’m baffled.

ETA: I’ve also lived in London, and I think the words are also an approximate rhyme there? Maybe people just don’t know what rhymes are?

[trackster]

That moment you lay eyes on the mom of the boy who’s been mean to your daughter at camp this week.

[rexuality]

who’s your mom’s celebrity crush? if you don’t know she’s not mom’ing hard enough

[tami-taylors-hair]

@aubreydrakegrahamvevo my mom’s celebrity crush is also Shemar Moore! What secret mom powers does he have?

[lostinhistory]

To my deep chagrin, my mother’s is Mick Jagger

[neroon]

Gregory Peck 5Evah but also Tom Selleck and, weirdly, Ben Afflack in Argo because he looked like handsome men from back in her day.

[ms-andry]

Shemar Moore, Robert Downey Jr, any attractive man that has been on a crime TV show Used to be Tom Selleck and Harrison Ford

[trackster]

Guys, the only man I can recall hearing my mom express attraction toward is Rick Moranis. Yes, the kid shrinker. IDEK. She's so weird.