Some ways to talk positively about sex without adding to the pressure to have it:
Make it clear that trying to control other people is whatâs wrong with sex-shaming. Sex is a personal choice. Itâs just as wrong to shame people for choosing not to have sex as it is to shame them for having it. Whatâs important is respecting peopleâs right to make their own choices.
Be clear that having sex or not has zero impact on someoneâs worth. Youâre not worth more or less if you have a lot of sex. Youâre not worth more or less if you have no sex or sex only in certain circumstances. Your choices about whether or not to have sex are not even remotely connected to how good, cool, or interesting a person you are.
Feminists: When you talk about the way sexually active women are devalued, also talk about the way women who choose not to have sex are thrust into their own unhealthy roles as paragons, âinnocentsâ to be manipulated, or ever-nurturing maternal figures. Talk about false dichotomies and why theyâre harmful to everyone who is coercively sorted into them, and why itâs important to value people without thrusting them into this dichotomy.
Desexify sex. Talk about it frankly. Donât treat it as a big mysterious forbidden secret, a big rite of passage, a feminist achievement, or some kind of holy bonding ritual. Sex is a hobby. Like any other hobby, it has different meanings for different people in different contexts.
Like any other hobby, some people like to do it with their romantic partners, with friends, or with other people, and some people like to do it rarely or not at all.
Like any other hobby, some people find it very meaningful, some use it as a way to bond with their partner, and some people just think itâs fun or do it because theyâre bored.
Like any other hobby, sex is not necessary to have a good and happy relationship. Some people have it, some people donât. There are a lot of hobbies you can share with your partner; this one isnât the only option or the most important one. Etc., etc.
Make a clear distinction between sexual feelings and choosing to do sexual things. Many people like to feel sexual even if they donât want to have sex, and thatâs okay! Exploring sexual thoughts, feelings, and activities alone is a healthy choice, and so is just ignoring those thoughts and feelings. Make it clear that the power is in the choice.
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Provide information on asexuality. Not everyone feels sexual attraction, and knowing that itâs a valid experience shared by many others may help people feel like itâs okay not to have sexual relationships they donât want.
Emphasise emotional safety. Talk about how people have different emotional needs and that itâs important to think about your feelings and expectations before deciding to have sex. Many people have complicated feelings about sex and itâs important not to rush in until you understand what you want - emotionally and otherwise - from a sexual experience.
Emphasise meaningful consent.
Meaningful consent means everyone involved really understands whatâs going to happen, what the risks are, and what it means for them emotionally and for their relationship with whoever theyâre having sex with.
It means everyone has talked about what they want and what they donât, and feels okay saying âstopâ and âslow downâ and ânot right nowâ and âletâs do something else for while.â
It means thereâs a pretty even balance of power - thereâs no meaningful consent if one person is much older, a teacher or mentor, a coach, or a boss. It also means that nobody feels like they have to do it to make someone else happy.
Meaningful consent means that nothing happens unless everyone has said yes to it while feeling safe enough to say ânoâ if they want to.
Here are some things to think about when deciding whether or not to have sex. (link one) (link two)
