[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

Know in your heart that you will attract everything that is meant for you.

[draconym]

I think one of the funniest things I’ve accidentally taught my parrot is yelling “WHAT?” The best part is that if he says something weird and and someone else says “what???” he usually repeats what he just said. Like just now, I was cooking in the kitchen and he heard me boiling water so he asked “you wanna noodle?” but I couldn’t quite hear him so I yelled “WHAT” and he repeated “you wanna noodle?”

Mostly he just likes yelling it, though.

[draconym]

Less funny things I’ve accidentally taught my parrot:

to make the smoke detector noise every time someone makes toast

to make gross eating noises at us when he wants us to share our food

to announce that he is about to poop just about every time he poops

to demand payment in the form of peanuts for every instance of good behavior

no seriously he says “I get a peanut” every single time and gets VERY MAD if not given a peanut

[anonymus-maximus-er]

……LESS funny??!??????

[mrsbeef]

The thought of this parrot declaring “I get a peanut” for good behaviour like he’s stating an immutable natural law that must never be disputed is sustaining me through this day. I was a good parrot. I get a peanut. That is how it is. That is how it always has been.

[draconym]

That’s exactly what he means when he says it. It’s not a request. It’s a statement of fact. These days he says it preemptively as a way of ensuring that he will be paid for his efforts. Like if you ask him to step up somewhere or go back in his cage he’ll say “I get a peanut” before he does it to make sure you agree to give him one.

[you-can-hufflefuck-right-off]

My question is… Does he revolt if you DON’T give him his peanut?

[draconym]

He used to get really angry if he did something expecting a peanut and we said “no, no peanut” because he’d been really rude (bitey, screechy, generally hostile body language) about it previously or he’d already had a whole bunch of peanuts. Since he’s started saying “I get a peanut?” beforehand, if we respond with “no peanut” he generally just decides not to do it.

He often announces something like “step up and get a peanut?” if he’s already had a bunch of peanuts and he knows he’ll have to do something to earn one. Unfortunately, he also causes trouble (furniture destruction, usually) explicitly for the purposes of suggesting “Ripley go back and get a peanut?” when we scold him, because he knows we’re going to want him to go back in his cage, and he always wants a reward for going back in his cage.

[seven-oomen]

that parrot is running a hostage situation

[draconym]

We do literally refer to him “holding the couch hostage” when he decides he’s going to make holes in the cushions until we attempt to bribe him to go back into his cage.

[draconym]

Ripley: I go back in cage, get a peanut? Human: Sorry, we’re out of peanuts Ripley:

[transedwarp]

[catchymemes]

[milkpropaganda]

*brings this to a friend who doesnt own a cat’s house and sticks it under the doorframe while they’re in the bathroom*

[4a0000-deactivated20180901]

The moon has known me all my life

[lilldiosa]

this is the most comforting thing I’ve read so far in 2018

[sebastianfucker]

successfully profiled and found a lost cat thanks to a criminal minds binge someone tell the FBI to hire me

[sebastianfucker]

My roommate came to get me because the cat was missing. I paused the show and went outside and I was all walking around the crime scene like okay the kitchen window is open and there is no screen so he must have jumped out here and ran off and they were like “so he’s gone???”

And I was like “we’ll pretend I’m a cat. There are two ways to go, towards the street and the lights or into the dark. A cat would choose the quieter dark spot” so I went into the dark and there like ur never gonna find him but I said LISTEN Spike was an outside cat before we moved and he’s been trapped inside so I bet he ran to the most bushy and grassy area. They said I was full of shit but u know what I found in the bushes? The fucking cat bitch I’m FBI material.

[cursedcatimages]

[chalamet-x]

i’m dying that robert downey jr posted this on his official facebook 😂😂😂 

[werewolfmali]

me at 15: why do my parents watch fuckin hgtv all day?

me at 25: damn the granite countertops really do make that kitchen pop

[clestroying]

clestroying

When you accidentally touch the cashiers’ hand when you’re giving them money

[sexti0n]

i want someone who will light a fire in me.

[trillseeker6421]

I want someone who will light me on fire

[hi-def-doritos-deactivated20181]

author: so in this world there are immortal fire-breathing dragons

everybody: cool!

author: also half the army is female

everybody: um, isn’t that a bit unrealistic? :/

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

author: there are a dozen+ sentient species including orcs, elves, and entities that should be dead but somehow aren’t

everybody: cool!

author: and a lot of them are poc

everybody: how does that? make sense?

[9d6problems]

author: alright, so people can pretty much rewrite the laws of reality by thinking about it hard enough, so anything is possible

everybody: makes sense

author: also several of the characters are not straight

everybody: what else even is there?

[witchgays]

slides in with roombas strapped to both my feet: sup heteros

[permanentlyexhaustedpidgeon]

Theory: great

Reality: they both take off in different directions, fuck

[witchgays]

homophobia never sleeps

[virpiablccdnerd]

you have to have rope at a length of like 1 to 2 feet. or maybe a steel bar. something. that connects the roombas and keeps them at an appropriate distance.

[witchgays]

finally a good suggestion. roomba bondage

[daily-showerthoughts]

Bob’s Burgers would also be an appropriate title for SpongeBob SquarePants

[yourbigsisnissi]

[averagefairy]

i hate when people ask me to “watch their stuff” like what if someone comes and actually tries to steal it. do i have to fight them. i’m not ready 

[natasalways]

you become the miniboss

[notmehstuff]

Snitches get stitches

[hannahvardit]

aunt may does right by her nephew. 

[wackd-archive]

oh my god this is adorable