Poets in the night

11/11/88 scorpio~ hopeless romantic My thoughts

[tymeofnight]

👀

[tymeofnight]

My heart aches

[tymeofnight]

I’ve learned to deal, cope, withstand, move on…

It’s been over four years, I’ve lived my life without you for four years, I’ve done so much since then

Im proud of myself of my accomplishments and for the ones yet to come.

But why do i find myself still thinking of you. Four year’s later, and i still miss you.

I think about you at least once a day, and sometimes more.

We were in a bad situation and that is what caused me to leave but i did not want to. Now that I’ve been doing well for myself, i often wonder that we could have done these things together. I enjoy my life but it’s not the same. There are moments where i find something funny, or just something that makes me happy and i think how you would have enjoyed it, that we could have enjoyed it together.

You know when we first met, i was happy i could enjoy my guilty pleasure of listening to Taylor swift with you. Something that no one else knew about me. You were the only one. How we would listen to the Red album all the time. And then she came out with the Taylor’s version of the Red album and i wanted to text/call you about it( but i didn’t) . To ask you if you heard it yet. But of course you did. But not together. I wonder if you feel the same, after more than four years, do you still think of me like i do, or at all. Do you look at the moon at the same time i do. Probably not, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, but the relationship after you has never been the same, and im not sure they will be. I have loved but its not the same. I think you find the one person and wether its the right time or not, its just one true love.

I did not regret you getting the same tattoo as i did, and i still don’t. Everyone has their memories that make them who they are, and i just hope that you are doing well. I hope you have a wonderful life, im trying to live my best.

I still love you and that wont change but i know it will never be the same. We may never talk again but i hope you find the happiness you deserve. I know i will. But i do miss your voice.

[tymeofnight]

I miss my innocence

[tymeofnight]

Birthday

[tymeofnight]

I have days...

Not often anymore do I think of you as i once did before, but sometimes I have days, days where you popped into my head without reason. I wonder if your are doing alright? If all that you’re going through is getting any better? Have you found the life that you were searching for? I know since then It feels better than how i felt before, it feels like I’m moving forward. I guess it’s normal to have days like that, we were at one point very connected with one another. To think that you could be one hundred percent free of thought of someone in a short amount years is wishful thinking. Well that’s what I think at least. Either way I hope you are doing well.

[jericosilvers]

[tymeofnight]

[tymeofnight]

Its been quite some time since I’ve written anything, and i still can’t seem to write what’s on my mind. I did go through what i wrote before, and i find it amazing of how much has changed from the person i use to be. Im glad i decided to put myself first, and take care of myself and just love myself. I still can’t get over this writers block though... well at least i wrote this much, maybe it’s what i need to get going again. I don’t know, we’ll see.

[tymeofnight]

[tymeofnight]

Don’t choose your bed over mine tonight 🎵

[tymeofnight]

[tymeofnight]

[tymeofnight]

[tymeofnight]

I don’t know what to write anymore

[tymeofnight]

Something new to write?

I think it’s time for me to start writing about something else, to move on to something new, to find a new inspiration elsewhere. When i first moved to Long Beach i was scared, not of the city (I’ve lived here before) i love long beach. I was scared of running into you. Then i started making the excuse that there is nothing here for me, that maybe i should go somewhere else, somewhere new. At the time that i moved here, I started traveling for work quite a bit, i was gone and wasn’t even enjoying my new home. I would literally get home from the trip and sleep here for two days and then fly out somewhere else. For about two months all that was in my room was just my bed and boxes. I hadn’t even set up my t.v. ( i was using my laptop for movies and my phone for netflix and hulu.)

I went to so many different places that i have never been too, never thought i would go to. I loved it, i loved seeing different parts of the country, seeing the people from those places i went to. I started thinking to myself, what if i move elsewhere, somewhere over here. I said to myself there isn’t anything for me anymore back in Long Beach. So for some time i contemplated moving, i thought about all the places i visited, and then i got stuck one time, everything got delayed, i spent more time than i was supposed to. The first few days were nice, but after i realized there isn’t anything here for me either, that no matter where i go there isn’t going to be anything there for me. This world, this country, these states and cities, and the people that live there, aren’t just waiting around for me. Wherever i am, whatever place i am in, i have to make it something for me. It’s why i started exploring the place i live, i signed up for beach football that’s literally right in front of my house, i started shopping locally instead of going to the places where i use to live, i started meeting people here in long beach, eating at the small restaurants here, going to the coffee shops, going to the parks and museums, the farmers market, i skate and ride and walk and run in my own city. I opened myself up to my own home, and im exactly where i need to be for the moment.

You know when you told you were thinking about moving back with your mom, that you felt like you failed, that there isn’t anything here for you anymore, i wanted to tell you this, that it will still feel the same at a different location, that you haven’t failed. You only fail if you give up, as long as you keep pushing forward, and celebrate the small victories along the way, you are never a failure. I realized though that even if i said anything, that it wouldn’t change anything, you have to learn from your own experiences, just the same way i did.

I use to think that i needed this and that, that i needed you. I bifurcated my life, i compartmentalized aspects of my life and was my own undoing. The only thing i need is myself (and my dog) everything else is just wants. Of course i want you, im in love with you, i will be here for you, but i will no longer allow myself to be untethered by the things i want.

[tymeofnight]

Making up for lost time

I couldn’t wait for you to get back from your trip, to be able to see you again, although i would still have to wait a few days even after you got back. It was a Thursday that you were flying in but it wouldn’t be til Saturday that i get to see you. Who would of thought that our one night would turn into three nights. You texted me when you landed and i got all excited that you were back and it would only be a matter of time until i see you.

I was at work and the day was dragging on, i just wanted to go home to shower, and change clothes and figure out what to eat? Then you texted if i wanted to have dinner with you, that you didn’t want to cook. So i accepted happily, and picked up dinner for us. I figured we would eat, probably watch something and then head home. We ate our food, we had our wine, smoked a little, got drunk and high, and i know you were tired from it all, but then we fell asleep (as always haha). The next morning we got up, headed to work and we said we would make dinner that night. So the day went on, i was in a good mood, and happy that we were going to be able to cook together and have a nice relaxing bath. Then we got lazy, so we decided to eat our leftovers, drink and get high again and knock out Haha, but we made our mules again! On Saturday we slept in a bit and went out to breakfast, and ended up waiting quite a bit, since they skipped us over completely, and if it wasn’t for you being hangry (i say it with love) we probably would have been waiting a lot longer. We got back and went for a ride, something we haven’t done in quite some time, we picked up your helmet and jumped on the bike. You showed me where you work, and i am happy i got to see it, to see your new office, and see what you are working on. (I have to say i am extremely proud of you, and i hope you are proud of yourself). From there we went on a little riding adventure, but it was exhausting (it’s definitely been a while). We made it back, went to the grocery store to do a bit of shopping and then headed home. Finally we decided we were going to cook instead of going out, and in those moments cooking with you again felt lovely. It was nice sitting at the table, right next to you, enjoying our dinner, enjoying our wine, and just enjoying each other. Sunday morning came around, we got up, made our coffee, prepared breakfast, and ate out in the balcony. It was so relaxing sitting outside with you. Then i was off to my game at the beach. Having you there at my game really meant a lot to me, more than you’ll know. The game ended and you dropped me off at home and i kissed you goodbye.

Again it seemed like we were making up for lost time. All the days where we didn’t get to be lazy, or go out to eat, make our mules, drink different wines, get super high (mostly me), go for rides, make out, shower together, be complete goofballs, having luna lay in between us while we sleep, and so much more (even though we never got to take our bath). I know i didn’t mentioned everything we did but i will always remember it. Its crazy how much i still miss you.

As soon as i left i was missing you.