Tearsfallintorain

trying to survive. :") 'self-destructive' 💙

[unlovablething]

20% of me wants to fix my life, get my shit together, make something great of myself and prove everyone who ever gave up on me wrong. The other 80% wants to go totally off the rails back to who I used to be, a fuckup, an addict and a criminal. Or hang myself up in a tree during the sunset.

[unlovablething]

I never thought i would ever do this but i begged him last night to forgive me more like i wanted to say love me and be kind to me once again but all i could say is please forgive me because that's all that would satisfy him i remember kissing his hands ask for forgiveness holding his feet and crying in his feet to be forgiven and loved. I think of myself as the biggest loser to ever exist and i wish i could have the love or atleast half pf what he has from me. I wish i was loved not abandoned like a peice of shit.

[unlovablething]

I lost in love. He wins. It's the end of our story.

[unlovablething]

NO, I'm not okay. but, i haven't been okay since i was eleven, maybe twelve.

And somehow I'm still here :)

[unlovablething]

I am turning 23 this year and i am still not okay but look i somehow survived..

[unlovablething]

As my final act of love, I will stop convincing you that your love hurts. As my final act of love, I will embrace all the wounds I received as a gift of your love, and I will endure the bitterness of your promises that were made but never fulfilled.

[unlovablething]

Buried in the ruins.

There are things I think about and feel.

I have forbidden myself from speaking of them,

not because they are the darkest parts of my life,

but because I fear the day they escape through my mouth

They might seep into every atom of my soul,

and I would never be free of them again.

So I seal my lips and bury the thoughts

within the ruins of my mind and heart.

They burn inside me, moment by moment,

until I am undone by the question: why?

~humairayasmine

[unlovablething]

The unspoken echoes of a suffering heart.

Help me, save me,

Hold me, let me breathe.

Don’t break me, don’t scare me,

I’ve been trying for so long.

Give me what everybody wants;

I deserve to be free.

Free of all that haunts me,

The fears that make it hard to live.

Always abandoned,

Told I’m impossible to love.

You break my heart,

You shatter my soul.

You touch my body

And make it feel gross.

Choke my neck,

Slam me against the wall.

Hit me again

And shut my mouth;

There is nobody to tell.

So let it haunt—

Forever.

~humairayasmine

[unlovablething]

I failed. I failed at being his fav, failed because he said i’ll always be his one love and now i got the same eyes he’ll never look again with love at. I’ll never be good enough for him, my love is cursed and deep down i always knew i am not meant to be loved but it was him who promised to love all my darkest sides when it’s at worst, now look at me holding my bleeding heart which he promised to hold at all times, i have no control at my emotions and how do i do it all alone when he promised it will always be him who’d calm my worst self and make me at peace. I am terrified of how unloved i have become and maybe i deserved it all as a punishment of my sins, so i am gonna wait, i’ll wait for the time death finds me and even tho i’ve died a long time ago the death of mine will maybe take away my suffering of this world and maybe it will hurt less when i’ll be alone in my grave knowing that he forgives and accepts all imperfections but humans never do.

[unlovablething]

One thing that’ll always stay with me is that i could’ve been a happy kid but the world didn’t let me be one. It was too cruel and i barely survived through. Every day was a fight to exist, to deal with the realities of this harsh society and the struggle to be good enough.

[unlovablething]

I am nobody’s favourite, nobody loves me, nobody cares if i am upset, nobody cares if i get hurt, nobody gifts me, nobody surprises me, nobody chooses me over something or someone, nobody puts efforts for me, i am nobody’s priority. I wish there was a name to replace nobody with but i guess i am not worthy of anyone’s love, care or efforts. At least that’s what people showed me till date.

[unlovablething]

Oh how do i ever forgive him for making me bleed from the same wounds he promised he was healing me from.

[unlovablething]

I yearn for a love that is soft, comforting, understanding and something that i didn’t have to beg for. I wanna be loved like i was meant to be loved. Not by everyone just by one and i want it to last and not hurt.

[unlovablething]

Just an Unlovable lonely peice of shit abandoned by everyone i ever loved.

[unlovablething]

I really wanted him to stop me i wanted him to understand me and things i go through i wanted him to care enough to hold me and make me believe he’ll fix it all. I wanted him to listen to all that hurts me and make efforts to fix everything. I wish he did. I wish he loved me how i yearned to be loved.

[unlovablething]

Life's been so terrible that I don't even bother to post here anymore. It's just an endless cycle of suffering, heartache, and mental illness. I just want my future self to know that if you live long enough, you deserve my share of happiness. If you ever come back and look at this post, I want you to remember that I persevered and I made it through all the pain, all the hurt, all the shitty things in my life. And so you deserve all the happiness I prayed for. I hope wherever you are, you're living the life of your dreams! And if you have anyone in your life right now whom you can talk to or who supports you and has your back, be glad and appreciate their existence, because this version of me has been lonely for a really long time. And I wish, I really wish I had a friend I could just cry out my heart to. But for now, it's just me writing to remind my future self that maybe everything is going to be fine. Believe in him, he will reward you for your patience and faith. You'll no longer cry alone to sleep, you'll no longer feel so disgusting about yourself, and maybe you'll start loving yourself and get someone who loves you truly.

[unlovablething]

He’ll never know how hard was it for me to love someone all over again after being broken so many times, he’ll never know how hard was it to convince myself that someone actually loves me, he’ll never know how hard was it to stop overthinking and believe him when he said he’ll always understand and be there for me, he’ll never know how hard i tried to make this relationship work, he’ll never know how many anxiety attacks it took me to survive this long, he’ll never know how many prayers were said crying, screaming and sometimes quiet in the middle of night all alone just wishing everything could be right once, just wishing he would eventually understand and maybe appreciate my efforts and how i kept fighting my inner voices and everything to make this relationship work, how much i cared for us and our little world that i would imagine and dream of every single night before i sleep. He’ll never know how it feels to give up on the only person that brings peace and happiness in life. I guess he’ll never know.

[thoughtkick]

“How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything but to be okay.”

— Khalil Gibran