Come Take My Hand...let Me Lead You To Hell

[awed-frog]

Met an old teacher today and we got talking about ‘the good old times’ and ten minutes into the conversation I jokingly said the one regret I have from middle school is that I never won anything at her magnificent tombolas? Because, like, she used to hold this game about once a month so we’d learn the numbers in French and it was never big prizes, but as a 12-yo I desperately craved them - a cactus-shaped eraser, a bright blue notebook with slightly larger-than-usual squares, a set of coloured pens - and never ever got a single one of them. 

(Actually spent a good few months thinking I was genetically unlucky and researching ancient family curses with my grandma.) 

So today I don’t know what I was hoping for - nothing, really?

(I mean, that part of me that’s still twelve was probably expecting this sweet old woman to have a set of glitter stickers in her purse and just go ‘You know what, you’re right - I’ve been saving this one for you all these years, here you go’ but I’m a solidly rational person and I know that’s stupid.)

No, I thought we’d just laugh and it would be a good shared memory and that would be it. Instead, my teacher got flustered and a bit embarrassed and explained the game was rigged. It was never about learning French at all. She’d just noticed some kids couldn’t afford even basic stationery, so she’d buy a few half-fancy items every month with her own money just for them. She didn’t want them to feel different or left out. And obviously the way she used to walk around in the classroom, looking over our shoulders - it wasn’t to prevent cheating. It was because she was cheating herself, wanting to see which number a particular child needed to get a Minnie Mouse pencil case.

Guys - the world is fucked up, but so many people out there are just good and kind and humbly heroic it honestly gives me hope. 

It’ll be alright, you’ll see.

[poblacht-na-n-oibrithe]

[fortitsngiggles]

Unless you hit me in the face with a brick that says “I’m flirting with you,” I’m most likely just gonna think you’re being nice.

[tiredbiostudent]

imma keep it real with you chief. sometimes university workloads are just fucking unreasonable and unfeasible unless you’re not mentally ill or you’re someone who’s able to be On™ and productive 24/7 (which is like.. no one??) and no amount of “you need to learn time management skills because this is what it’s like in the real world” is gonna change that

[happifying-things]

[thefoxof86-deactivated20220707]

U a funny lookin kitten. I takes care of you anyway.

[sandersstudies]

I love genuinely innocent “boys will be boys.” Just saw a guy come out of a frat house to poke a pair of jeans they’d left outside - they were frozen solid, and as soon as he confirmed that, like twenty more boys came rushing out of the house going “YOOOOOOOOOO”

[rebelminds]

I heard grunting outside my window the other night and there were four boys struggling to push this giant snowball (like 7 foot diameter) down the sidewalk.

[snarling-through-our-smiles]

I once lost my keys at a frat house.

My drunk ass had actually walked home without them, pounded on my apartment door, gotten let in by my rightfully-disgruntled roommate, and proceeded to pass out on the couch.  Apparently I puked in the toilet before passing out.  I do not remember this part.

The next morning, I schlepped back to the frat house.  I stood there, right in front of the front door.  This was a novel experience for me.  I’d never been at a frat house in broad daylight before.

A boy, presumably, of the house, asked me what I was doing. 

“I lost my keys in here last night,” I called back.  “I was seeing if I could go in and look for them?”

He opened the door and gestured for me to come in.

“Go wherever you want.”

I’d never seen a frat house post-party before.  Wandering up the stairs and through the halls, I was surrounded by hungover and still-drunk frat boys stumbling around in their socks and sandals and gym shorts, seeking out food and showers like moths to a porch light.  A few of them threw puzzled glances my way.  I’m sure they thought I was some post-bacchanalia hallucination.

I entered one room where a boy was drunkenly watching some Old Yeller-esque movie on a tiny TV in the corner of his room from his bed.

“Do you like dog movies?” he asked, voice all mumbly from grogginess and also from the fact that his face was squished against his pillow and half-buried by his blanket.

I told him I did.

He mumbled again, pleased, and asked what I was doing.  I told him I was looking for my keys.

“Sorry, I haven’t seen any keys around here.”

I didn’t doubt him.

Twenty minutes had passed.  I’d searched just about every bedroom and nuclear-waste-dump-site of a bathroom in that house.  I’d given up on ever finding my keys and was prepared to beg my roommates’ forgiveness and get a new set copied.

As I stood there in the hallway, silently bewailing my predicament, a particularly-burly frat boy approached me.

“You need help with something?”

“I lost my keys here last night and I can’t find them, I’ve looked everywhere.”

“What do they look like?  I’ll put it into the group chat.”  He was already pulling out his phone.

No one ever checks a group chat, I thought, but what the hell.  It was worth a shot.  “Um, it’s just a ring of keys.  The keychain is a pink plastic cat, though, like yea big.  Like bright pink, you can’t miss it.”

He nodded, presumably typing this description faithfully into the group chat.

“Alright, I sent the message out.  Good luck.”

And with that, he turned and left.

A few moments later, I heard a distant thundering.  It was coming from upstairs, and it was getting louder and louder.  One assumes that how I felt in that moment was how Simba felt seeing the wildebeest stampede through the ravine as a horde of large young men all thundered down the stairs, making a beeling for me.

“Someone tell the girl!” One of them shouted, faceless in the mob.  “Girl!  Hey, GIRL!!!  We found your keys, girl!!!”

They circled around me.  I hadn’t felt that small since I was maybe eleven years old.  One of them split himself off from the crowd.

“Are these -” he pulled out a ring of keys from his pocket, “your keys?”

And lo, there was the distinctive bright millennial pink cat keychain dangling off the ring.

“Yes,” I whispered.  “Oh my god, yes.”

“EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”

The cheer went up.

Turns out he found them in the bathroom upstairs.  I thanked them again profusely.  There was a scattered round of “no problems” and then, just as suddenly as they descended, they all dispersed, like ships in the night.

[0-memento-mori-0]

I think the best “Boys will be boys” situations are when they all collectively share one brain cell over the most simple of tasks

[starwlkers]

Y’all

[goblinfvckr]

[introvertunites]

If you’re an introvert, follow us @introvertunites. 

[succubusboyfriend]

if you’re offline or away and i message you something (like a link to a meme or a picture or w/e) honestly just assume that i’m just leaving it there for when you get back and not expecting you to answer straight away. i don’t need you to respond with “hey, sorry, i wasn’t at the computer!” or anything. i was leaving u a gift for later.

[slightmayhem]

This also applies if you’re online and just don’t want to or have the energy to deal with humans in the moment. Just because we have the ability to reply in real time does not mean we have the obligation.

[melon-official]

im like a cat i drag the posts to ur doorstep and if ur not there it’s ok, the post will be on ur porch for later

[attention-deficit-dragon]

Man losing stuff when you have ADHD is the worst. Stuff just like… vanishes. People will ask: when did you last have it? Well I don’t know dude. I just know it exists and I don’t know where it is currently doing that.

[scretladyspider]

I will literally be holding a thing and then I will suddenly no longer be holding that thing

[gogomrbrown]

I learned in a Latin Studies class (with a chill white dude professor) that when the Europeans first saw Aztec cities they were stunned by the grid. The Aztecs had city planning and that there was no rational lay out to European cities at the time. No organization.

[punkrockradio]

When the Spanish first arrived in Tenochtitlan (now downtown mexico city) they thought they were dreaming. They had arrived from incredibly unsanitary medieval Europe to a city five times the size of that century’s london with a working sewage system, artificial “floating gardens” (chinampas), a grid system, and aqueducts providing fresh water. Which wasn’t even for drinking! Water from the aqueducts was used for washing and bathing- they preferred using nearby mountain springs for drinking. Hygiene was a huge part if their culture, most people bathed twice a day while the king bathed at least four times a day. Located on an island in the middle of a lake, they used advanced causeways to allow access to the mainland that could be cut off to let canoes through or to defend the city. The Spanish saw their buildings and towers and thought they were rising out of the water. The city was one of the most advanced societies at the time.

Anyone who thinks that Native Americans were the savages instead of the filthy, disease ridden colonizers who appeared on their land is a damn fool.

[robotsandfrippary]

They’ve also recently discovered a lost Native American city in Kansas called Etzanoa It rivals the size of Cahokia, which was very large as well.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

here are some reconstructions of Tenochtitlan 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

just a note, we don’t think of old european cities as ruins, because those civilizations continued and kept building over the old–there are no abandoned ruins for us to visit & photograph. when we picture those old cities, we have only mental images drawn from our own assumptions & prejudices–images that tend to glorify ‘civilized’ europe.

since victors write history, our image of native american cities was created by colonizers motivated to uphold the ‘native savage’ myth. when we think of these civilizations now, we think of ‘uncivilized’ (rough, broken, abandoned) ruins, because that’s what remains. ruins are the only thing left. because of the destruction wrought by western invaders, these civilizations never had a chance to continue building. they were destroyed, and all we have left is an unimaginative shadow of their former glory. 

[baby-yodas-mom]

went to peru and visited some of their museums and learned inca history that american schools don’t teach you. basically you know why they were beaten out by the spanish invaders? because incas were mostly scientists and not warriors. they had advanced medicine, farming and science technology. THATS what they were good at - tech - not building weapons to most efficiently kill people. the spanish were good at that. so they won. basically the real savages and thugs won and murdered a bunch of scientists, and their technology and advancements are lost forever. it took into the 20th century for colonizer technology to advance in the field of medicine and agriculture to the level of the incas. colonizers literally set human knowledge back like 500 years. 

[ommanyte]

I heard someone swear “you mother fuck!” over the phone the other day, and all I could think of was this

[phantom-quantum]

when its sunday 11pm and u remember u had homework

[you-had-me-at-e-flat-major]

IT’S BACK

[notesoutofmymind]

[theorydictatespractice-deactiva]

I heard something the other day that I had never really thought about before. Someone mentioned to me that whenever you catch yourself missing someone who left your life, you should remind yourself that them not being part of your present is a consistent choice they make every day. They wake up and decide to maintain the silence. They’re indifferent as to whether the space between you gets larger. And that in itself is pretty powerful closure.

[generationintrovert]

That’s pretty much what it looks like to the outside observer.

[luna-and-mars]

Executive dysfunction gothic

- You have to shower. You cannot shower. You are standing right in front of the shower. You want to shower. You cannot shower.

- The meeting begins. “Did everyone see the email?” There is a chorus of nodding heads. You nod, too. You think you may possibly have checked an email account before, on one single occasion, at some unknown time, probably in a past life.

- You are hungry. You have been hungry for three days now. The hunger has not spontaneously resolved itself. How inconvenient, you think. How rude.

- You depend on your planner/calendar. You loathe your planner/calendar. You can’t function without it. You live in constant fear of it. It’s an unhealthy relationship. You think you both should start seeing other people.

- There is a pile on your floor. It is a treasure trove, the Room of Requirement. It has everything. You look for something specific. It has nothing. There was never any pile.

- There’s been a change of plans, they say. You don’t understand. They repeat: “there’s been a change of plans.” You don’t understand. The mere suggestion causes a buzzing in your head that drowns out everything else. You don’t understand.

- You’re in class and you don’t understand the lecture. You look back at your past notes. You look at a calendar. You have not been to class in two weeks. You have no memory of this supposed time. Where did it go? Why did it leave?

- “Organizational tips for success: Keep a planner! Write it down! Stick to a schedule! Make a list!” You are torn between deranged laughter and ugly crying. You choose both.

[ms-demeanor]

- You type a few words, your phone rings, you answer. You frown and type a few words. A text, you open it and respond. You forget what you were doing. You type a few words. A text, you ignore it. You type a thousand words. A text, you open it. “Why haven’t you responded?” It’s been a week.

- You need your medication, you call to renew your prescription. You’re out of refills and the doctor needs to see you before you renew. You don’t get your medication again for six months.

- You want to RSVP to your cousin’s wedding but there’s no email address or phone number, just a card in an envelope that you have to put in the mailbox. You put it somewhere that you won’t forget it. The wedding was yesterday.

- “Look, it’s just one more stop before we head home, why are you making such a big deal of it?”

- “Hey, I invited our friends over to hang out for the day and maybe get lunch. You said you were free today, right?” You’re always free but you never have time. It takes an hour to decide what lunch will be.

- You write the shopping list. You stand in front of your door holding your keys while you tape the list to your phone. You step outside and realize you don’t know where your keys are. You step inside and they’re in your hand. You go to the store and pull out your phone. There never was a list.

- You’re meeting someone for what you’re sure is the tenth time. They say their name and all you hear is a high-pitched ringing. You carefully avoid interacting with them for the rest of the evening so you don’t run the risk of having to introduce them to anyone.

- “C’mon, you were in ceramics with me, we made clay boxes together. I sat next to you for two years!” You’ve never seen this person before in your life.

[ms-demeanor]

- You have to be somewhere at 6AM. You can’t be late. You don’t sleep the night before to be sure you can make it. When you’re late to work the next week your boss says “you can be on time when you want to be, you’re choosing to show me that you don’t care.” You don’t sleep to make it in to work on time tomorrow. You never sleep. You never sleep.

- You have to pee but if you don’t finish typing this sentence you’ll forget what you were saying. By the time you finish typing your body doesn’t notice that you still have to pee.

- “Uh, did you know you’re bleeding?”

[thatdisasterauthor]

Good tweet is good.

[nzssa-deactivated20190420]