I hate hate when im laying in bed and then my brain just decides that im actually the most disgusting thing to ever be alive like bro wtf im just chilling here
*laying in bed reading fanfics of my blorbos*
(My brain) 'Youre disgusting, you infect everyone around with this sickness that festers in your very bones, no amount of scrubbing, burning, or cutting can reach the roots of this disease that you carry, your very exsistence is a pestilence, and you have the same worth as the filth you carry'
(Me, confused where this came from) 'GodDAMN did we have to go THAT HARD??????'
one of the worst parts of living in a red state as a pre-everything trans man is that i wish i could be fem and still be called 'he'
I wanna wear skirts and fishnets and boxers and flannels and cargo pants and crop tops, but i also dont want to get misgendered or beat to death on the side of the road, so i stick to swatpants and a hoodie because emotionally repressed cis guys (also know as republican men) have no style, and if i wanna be seen as a boy, i kinda gotta look like them bc everything else is for girls
This has also lead to a crazy amount of interalized sexism, i get dysphoric from using pink things???? About riding a 'girl' bike, about wearing womens shoes, its fucking stupid as hell and i wish i didnt care as much as i do
All of this shit really doesnt help anxiety or depression, i feel like shit, i feel like less of a man because i have a uterus, it weights on me almost constantly, someday ill be able to move and be happy
why cant people see that im trying? Its so fucking hard to keep going yet here i am, getting no goddamn credit for this herculean task i preform every single day.
"Just put a little more effort in!" All of my effort went to getting out of bed this morning, i am burnt out
"Just try a little more" the physical effort it takes to not just fall into a pile on the floor sobbing would kill you instantly
I am TIRED and nobody fucking gets that its infuriating.
Nothing ever really feels worth it, honestly. I want to get better but the end result just doesnt seem worth the effort. But i keep going, because someday, at some point, there will be joy
In elementary school, there was this little girl who always answered that question adults asked; 'what do you want to be when you grow up', you know, that question adults ask to see if you are trying to be worth something in their eyes. She always answered that question with 'I want to be a boy when i grow up'. But adults would always complain 'You cant!', 'Thats not a job!', or 'But youre a girl!'
I think she would be proud to see what I have made for myself.
Gender is hard, some days im more than happy to have masculine terms thrown at me, other days i prefer androgony, i know i dont want to be a woman, that thought makes me feel sick, but i dont know what i am, and thats okay.
Gender is hard, and you never have to say 'This is it! My final gender!' Because things change, i say im a trans man for simple easy terms, but in reality i have a fuck ton of lable i like to use but dont even fully commit to because gender is hard!
Gender is hard, but i like it that way, i like my strange, shifting idea of what i am, its.... nice, like that, and to never fully bind it down feels nice too.
Labels arent the end all be all, for gender or sexuality. Things change, and honestly you never have to fully label it, you can use a lot of labels, or you can use a hyperspecific label, or no label at all! Its your life, live it to be happy.
hi! This is my first post here! So lets make an introduction! Im venting in the open, or just open for short :3, I am more than happy to answer questions regarding things that might be hard in your life, as long as you remember that I am a random internet dude, my word is not law. But i am here if you need someone to listen.
