Where Do We Go Now?

So you've tried everything. You've been managing your depression, your anorexia, you're self harm, you're schizophrenia, for as long as you can remember. And you're asking yourself, where do I go now? I'm hoping this helps. Join me on my journey of letting go of my past and moving onto my future through poetry, music, art, and quotes.

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“ Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.” - All Stars, Smash Mouth 

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Meet Me Half Way

How many lies have you told recently, if you have depression or you struggle with an eating disorder or self harm its probably a decent amount. How many times have you typed I’m good when you’ve been considering taking your own life? I’ve been there, I know your pain, I also know it goes away. I’m not asking for a miracle , I’m asking that you give yourself a chance to meet the people who love you halfway to whats best. 

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They label you

“ They label you, but not a single word is true, who cares what the world is saying about you” - Please Don’t Cut

Labels can not possibly define a human being. A label is something you place on a food product to tell you when its expired. A label is something that you use to put a price on a worthless object. A label is something you use to tell you what notebook is for what class. All labels do is tell you what something is and how much it cost and I can answer both those questions for you now. You are you, whoever that is you have to find out ,and you are priceless. 

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Are You Alone?

Are you alone? Is there anyone near you? Is it past midnight and you have no idea what to do? You can’t sleep but you aren’t awake, you’re stuck in this coma like state. And you wish they’d pull the plug, but the issue is your not attached to one, you are not dead but you don’t feel alive. Stuck in between, at least you’re not alone in these cries. 

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Maybe the skeleton in the closet is a little too well known, its face plastered on the cover of every other magazine 

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I’m not going to prom, here’s why

You know how your parents always tell you you’ll regret not going to prom and how you’ll never get an opportunity like that ever again? And you know how you brush them off and you think it doesn’t matter but you end up going anyway and usually you have fun or you pretend to? 

That’s not going to be me. I’m not going to prom , and I have legitimate reasons why. Prom is a place where girls dress up to make themselves feel beautiful, when they already are. Prom is a breeding zone for self hatred. You sit there and you compare your makeup to another girls, or you compare the dress you had to get or you compare dress sizes or cup sizes or boyfriend or etc. Prom is meant to be fun yet underneath it all it boils self hatred. Boys compare their girlfriend and their after prom plans. They say you can go by yourself or your friends but if you do you’re always mocked by someone higher on the social rank than you or you see the girl who rejected you dancing with the football jock. Prom is a sexual place. I’m not going to lie. Almost every high school Senior going to prom wants their girlfriend to dress up sexy or their boyfriend to take them to a hotel or a house or somewhere with a bed after. I don’t like that. I don’t like being grinded on by people I’ll never meet again. I don’t like being in situations with a thousand people and not knowing where to go if something goes wrong. I don’t like feeling alone, in a room full of “ friends”. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to prom, I’m not saying its wrong, I’m just saying that for me it doesn’t feel right. 

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But... I’m just a Teenager

You’re not just a teenager, you are a teenager, there is no just about it. You want to make a difference, you do it. It doesn’t have to be a big difference. You can sit with the girl at lunch that is always alone. You can try talking to someone who looks upset. You can tell a random girl you pass in the hallway that you like her hair. You can make a difference in one persons live and create a domino effect. You can make a difference. 

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I want to lose weight... but you were anorexic

I’m not sure how many people out there have dealt with this. I might be the only one. Honestly at this point everything on this blog has been to myself. No one has read a word I’ve said in a week . But I’ll keep writing in the hopes that someone who needs it will find the words I’ve said. Recently I’ve been dealing with the struggle of wanting to lose weight but realizing no one trusts me. I battled anorexia for two years. I wore a size ten in child's at 15 years old because even the smallest juniors clothes were to big. My metabolism was shot and the medication they put me on gave me hypothyroidism, which is where your thyroid doesn’t function properly and everything you eat causes you to gain weight basically. Because of this after being as tiny as a living person could be, I managed to become 100 pounds overweight. I know its horrible, there’s a reason I don’t post pictures of myself. In short, my self confidence is shot and its been really hard for me not to fall back into my old habits of starving and purging, which I know aren’t good for me. So in turn I’m trying to become healthier. Eat more natural foods and less sugars, cut down on a few 100 calories a day and work out at least an hour daily. Here’s the issue. Every time I tell someone I want to lose weight they get this panicked look in their eyes and they tell me I’m beautiful. It’s time for people out there to realize that just because you battled an eating disorder, doesn’t mean every diet you try is an eating disorder diet. I want to lose weight, and I want to do it right this time.  

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Without Sound.. I’m Thinking

“ I have these thoughts, so often I ought , to replace that slot with what I once bought, cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence... I’m forced to deal with what I feel , there is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel” - Car radio, 21 pilots 

Do you feel lost without your music, your podcast, your youtubers, your audio books. Do you feel lost without something distracting you from being found? Do you freak out when you realize you forgot your headphones in your Mom’s car? I’m not a doctor , but than you might have Phronemophobia, or the fear of thinking. Sounds are not used to create meaning they are used to stop the fear that in the silence we will discover things we do not want to know. When we are alone we feel our minds with music and our eyes with tweets and our heads with words so that maybe we won’t have time to think. 

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Siblings

How can you hate your siblings?/ They each share a part of you./ In ways you are all different,/ yet in your parents you are one./ When your family has passed,/ and you’re time is done,/ you can still look back and say,/ at least I was never alone, / even when I was. 

I have a step sister, a half sister, and a half brother. Ages 16, 11, and 1. They mean the world to me and even though they are far away we are never far apart. 

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Stars Respond

 A soul as old as time. / A mind as ripe as fermented wine. / A life as young as a newborn. / A heart as broken as a seabound Dad./ A cry as loud as the roaring of a tiger. / A wish upon a star up in the galaxy. / While the star is to far away to see, maybe it will only take a few light years for its response to get to me. 

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You Never Know When Your Times Up

“ I used to say I won’t now I will until it costs me. Like I won’t know true love till I’ve lost it.” - The Script, If You Could See Me Now 

I mentioned in my introduction of myself that I had recently lost a close friend. Here’s a little about her; she was 14, really outgoing, she loved people, she played ukelele, she loved to make silly faces, she was always very happy, she was prettier than any girl i’ve ever met, she loved adventures, she loved going to church, she loved to sing. I don’t say these things because she’s dead , no one disliked her unless they were jealous of her perfection. Me and her sang together but at some point she took my spot because she was a thousand times better. I’ll admit , I was mad, I said things I regret saying. I said I wanted her to die but she never knew. We went to camp and she was as sweet as she can be and when they told the Seniors to pick a freshman to mentor I knew what I needed to do. I was planning on talking to her as soon as we got home and settled down. I got her number on the 10 hour van ride home; however not two days later she was dead. She had got tonsillitis the day before and than was admitted into the hospital with sepsis. The doctors told her she’d be in the hospital for a few weeks but than she’d be okay, a few hours later she was gone. The hardest thing I ever had to do was sing at her memorial, take her place, and the guilt has hit me hard. I used to say I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to get to know people, I wanted to make a difference but without sharing what I’d gone through. I can’t say that anymore. This blog, every word I write, every person I try to help, is all because of her. She was my mentor all along. 

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Do you Care enough to change?

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. Dr. Seuss Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/dr_seuss.html

I don’t mean to bring upon tough love. But this is something I know from experience. Unless you want to get better you aren’t going to get better. How many of you have that one friend that you tell not to do something time and time again but no matter how much you keep saying it they keep doing that thing? Maybe it is nothing serious. Maybe they keep going back to this guy or this girl that doesn’t treat them right. Or maybe they keep yelling at their parents when they never win the fight. Or maybe it is something serious. Maybe they keep losing to much weight on their annual diet. Or maybe they keep cutting or burning themselves even when you tell them you love them. Or maybe they do drugs and always end up making bad descions. But remember, you’re in the same position. I would assume if you’re reading this you have something you need to change; whether you need to be happier, or you need to feel worth living, or you need to stop hurting yourself or hurting others or you need to stop eating to much sugar. I don’t know what it is you need to change, but there’s always something in everyones life we need to change, but that brings me back to my question, do you care enough to change, because if you don’t nothing will change you. 

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Is It Possible to be Happy?

“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.” ― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

No mental health disorder has a cure. We’ll be realistic here. You can’t just pop a pill or get a surgery and be free from it. These things will effect you for the rest of you’re life. I know its a struggle to keep fighting, but every day you don’t give in the fight becomes less daunting. 

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Narcissistic Universe

Is there something wrong with me ? Please, look me in the eyes and tell me you still love me. Is there something wrong with me? I gave you everything, I loved you more than anyone else. I filled the shoes no one else could, yet you had to go. Why did you leave, without a single word? Why didn't you tell me how to move on? Is closure only a formality in your world ? Your narcisstic universe ? Is there something wrong with me, That you had to leave everything behind, You were so eager to go?

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The Issues With A Nice Soul

Here's the problem being nice in such a cruel world. You are constantly bombarded with reasons you don't belong. You become closed off and isolated and people think you're a bitch. The problem with being nice in a cruel world, Is people take advantage of you time and time again. You see the best in everyone and they always let you down. The problem with being nice in a cruel world is that no one cares about you, No one thinks you could have any problems because you see the world in a positive light. The problem with being nice in a cruel world such as this, Is that no one ever seems to think you're genuine. People call you a fake and a hypocrite, Or they think you're a door mat and stomp on your face. The problem with being nice in a cruel world, Is that you constantly have reasons to leave.

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Hard to Admit

It's hard to admit. That you think no one cares. When you've given it your all. And they've applauded you time and time again. It's hard to admit. You're a charity case. When in your eyes everyone around you, Is a king or princess. It's hard to admit. That you are all alone. When you are constantly surrounded by people, But you have no place to call home.