So You Want To Celebrate Tu B’Av
The Instructions in this post are for people who are Jewish (including those who are ancestrally so, but not raised Jewishly), converting to Judaism, seriously interested in Jewish conversion, or are Jewish-Adjacent (part of an interfaith family, etc.) It is NOT for gentiles who wish to “be closer to Jesus” or any similar reason uninvolved with genuine interest in becoming a part of the tribe or participating with loved ones, as this is a form of cultural appropriation.
Thank you for your understanding. Gentlies CAN, however, LEARN and REBLOG!
Past Posts: Fighting Antisemitism / Jewish Conversion / Branches of Judaism / Second Temple Judaism / Religious Fasting / Rosh Chodesh / Rosh Hashanah / Days of Awe / Yom Kippur / Sukkot / Sh’mini Atzeret & Simchat Torah / Chanukah / Tu B’Shevat / Purim / Pesach / Counting the Omer / Modern Holidays / Lag B’Omer / Shavuot / Bein Ha-Metzarim / Tisha B’Av
Usually, Tu B’Av is called the “Jewish Valentine’s Day”, which is a halfway decent summary at the end of the day
Agriculturally (because most Jewish holidays have agricultural origins, don’t forget!) this is the start of the grape harvest
When the Temple Existed, this was also the last day wood was brought in for the winter (before it started to go bad), and thus was the Feast of Wood-Bearing as wood offerings were brought to the Temple
And Tu is the name of the date of the Jewish calendar - the name literally means the Fifteenth of Av (much as Tu B’Shevat is the fifteenth of Shevat)
But y’all know me by now, and you know I’m not going to leave it there!
In the Talmud, Tu B’Av is listed as the happiest festival of the year, with Yom Kippur as a close second
Honestly, Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av are highly connected in the Talmud:
Tu B’Av is the start of the grape harvest
At both, single women would dress in white and dance in the vineyards - both were holidays of love and connection, surrounding the grape harvest
Also you wear white at Yom Kippur, too! Two days of white-wearing!
This makes a lot of sense, right? Grapes are very romantic fruits in almost ever iteration, and this is at the end of summer and the beginning of autumn, as the weather starts to calm but the days are still long, so you feel the romance of the day
It’s just… odd to think of Yom Kippur as a day of Romance and Affection, but when you realize it’s a grape harvest festival it becomes a bit clearer
So, in a lot of ways, Tu B’Av is the prelude to the High Holy Days season
We are beginning our transition out of the sadness of the Bein Ha-metzarim, and are only two short weeks away from Elul, the month of Preparing Our Souls for the High Holy Days
This ties a lot of meaning into the grape harvest! In many ways, this harvest is integral to the High Holy Days
Tu B’Av is a holiday of transition, as we go from one time of year to the next
And this is connected to the celebrations of Tu B’Av itself
As a day celebrating love, grapes, and the full moon, it is at a complete tonal dissonance from Tisha B’Av and the Bein Ha-metzarim. And it happens less than a week after that mournful time!
It reminds us that we cannot mourn forever. Eventually we have to let go of the sadness we’ve been holding on to. Our traditions around mourning/shiva say the same thing: eventually, we have to go back to real life, with all of its ups and downs
This rather abrupt but effective date of “goodness still exists!!!” helps our minds two weeks later, as we need to start preparing for the high holy days
The symbolism of Tu b’Av extends beyond just its connection to the preceding and following times of year!
It is said to be commemorative of a few historical events, as well:
The Pharisees finally winning over the Saducees
The Tribe of Benjamin rejoining the Jewish community after a civil war as stated in Judges, so now members of the other tribes could marry members of the tribe of Benjamin again
The end of the deaths of the Wilderness Generation
During the era of Kings, northerners from the Kingdom of Israel were allowed to make pilgrimage to Jerusalem again
Romans allowed Jews to bury their dead from a major battle
It is said to be the start of when the nights are getting nice and long, which is good, because nighttime is the traditional time for Torah study!
And, finally, the sins of the spies who said we couldn’t possibly get the promised land (remember: these spies were defying all the miracles G?d had done during the exodus story) was atoned for (much like how the sin of the golden calf is said to be atoned for on Yom Kippur…)
you know what, brief tangent
Tisha B’Av is often compared to Yom Kippur because it has a lot of similar restrictions (ie, long fast) and practices (spending the day in the synagogue
But, thematically, Tu B’Av and Yom Kippur are way more connected
And Tu B’Av and Tisha B’Av are right next to each other
Idk I just think that’s fascinating
There is also a bit of a more mythological connection too:
It is said in the Talmud that forty days before a person is conceived, G?d decides who that person’s soulmate is
Tu B’Av technically falls 40 days before the start of when Creation is said to happen, as demonstrated in the B’nei Yissachar by Tzvi Elimelekh Shapira - aka, it’s forty days before the 25th of Elul
As such, Tu B’Av is the date Israel is promised to G?d
So it is the start of the love story between the people of Israel and g?d!
Also just. It’s a nice day in general
We drink wine, we have grapes
Girls look pretty and dance in a field
Guys will go and court them because they’re looking beautiful
It makes sense that such a day would be one of the happiest days of the year!
The reason it’s not a very well known holiday, besides all of these thematic elements? The only real required observance as stated in the talmud is eliminating a penitential (ie, sorrowful for one’s misdeeds) prayer from the morning and afternoon services
The holiday has since been revived in the modern era, primarily by Jews in Israel
The reasoning is not clear, but it seems to mostly be to counter the low of the three weeks, to have a Jewish valentine’s day celebration, and just a great day for romantic stuff in general
But I’m an inclusionist so I’m here to say Tu B’Av is a great day to celebrate all love, not just romantic love, dammit
Today, obviously, this isn’t so strongly connected to harvests and wood offerings, but people do lots of different things (in addition to the elimination of the penitential prayer tachanun):
Weddings are commonly held on Tu B’Av - which makes sense both for it being a day of love and also as a day very soon after the bein ha-metzarim, when weddings are commonly not held because of the mourning prohibitions
Music and dance festivals are held throughout Israel
Cards and Flowers are sent on this day to loved ones (of all kinds of love!!!!)
Commitment ceremonies, vow renewals, and proposing are also held on this day
As well as - of course - Torah Study! Because that’s the greatest expression of love (for G!d) there is
As for greetings? Chag Sameach works well enough! It was a custom during the temple times to also say G’mar chatimah tovah - the same blessing as during the High Holidays, may your inscription and seal be for good. Since Tu b’Av is the prelude to the high holiday season, this also makes sense!!!
Look what I’m saying is is that Tu b’Av is the happy parts of Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av is the sad parts have I gotten that point across yet
Let go of the Sadness of Tisha B’Av
I honestly think the most important part of Tu B’Av, and the reason why everyone should celebrate it, is that it is supposed to be a transitional date out of the sadness of Tisha B’Av and the Bein Ha-Metzarim
It is… really easy to get bogged down in our trauma and collective pain. And it is a natural reaction to dwell on it, because our brains would like to avoid having it happen again
But dwelling on these things isn’t healthy
Our traditions don’t demand that we remain depressed forever. Part of recovery from depression, anxiety, and PTSD is moving on, as well as acknowledgement
Even if you don’t do anything love-related at all, even if you don’t do anything different at all, using Tu B’Av - six days after Tisha B’Av (five during years when tisha b’av is postponed a day for Shabbat) - as a day to remind yourself to try and transition out of mourning and remembrance into, if not outright joy at the prospect of the closeness to G?d that the High Holy Days bring, then normalcy again
We cannot dwell forever on our past and our communal tragedies. That doesn’t mean we should ignore them - not in the slightest. It means we need to not remember them all the time
The gap between Tisha and Tu b’Av is the perfect waiting period to let your mind gradually move out of the mourning mindset, so by Tu B’Av, it’s time to kick your brain into normalcy (as best you can) once more
Celebrate All Kinds of Love!
LOVE IS AMAZING and it is all we need (I’m sorry, I usually don’t make Beatles references but they’re right there)
Whether romantic, sexual, platonic, familial, affectionate/sensual, unconditional, love for yourself, love for our world, WHATEVER KIND, love is worthy of CELEBRATION
Romantic activities are… the low hanging fruit, honestly, for Tu B’Av!
Do things with your friends! Celebrate your platonic love for them and they for you, whether that’s by doing something outside (going to the park is nice this time of year for those in the Northern Hemisphere), or just hanging out more than usual in online chatrooms, discords, what have you
Send messages to your friends and other loved ones! Let them know you’re thinking about them
If you’re on good terms with family, reach out to them - spend time with them - talk to them, and remind them you love them
Seriously just… tell the people you love that you love them. We often forget to say it, even if we don’t mean to
Oh, you’re lgbtqia+/queer? CELEBRATE THIS AS ANOTHER PRIDE DAY
Seriously it’s been about a month since Pride Month we’ve given it a good rest
Celebrate your love! Whatever form it may or may not take! Whomever you love, However you love, it’s BEAUTIFUL
Are you unable to feel love, for one reason or another?
Remind yourself that appreciation, compassion, and sympathy are what people get out of love
And your ability to care for, if not outright love, the people around you - even if its just on a purely logical level - is just as beautiful as love is in those who are capable of it
Is love complicated, or even painful, for you right now?
Love is pain as well as joy. And it’s a wonderful new Tu B’Av ritual to get together with people you trust and can talk to, and discussing that
Acknowledging the intricacies and complexity of love is just as much a celebration of it as unbridled joy is
CELEBRATE HUMAN CONNECTIONS AND TIES. CELEBRATE IT!
The bonds humans make with one another are beautiful
Take today to acknowledge that, celebrate that, and embrace that!!!!!!
We often feel alone - but none of us are. On Tu B’Av, remind those around you that they are a part of your community, and you care about them!!!
Need ideas for activities to do with friends?
Why not do the oldest Tu B’Av tradition of all: go dancing!
If you follow the traditional mourning practices of the Bein Ha-Metzarim, you’ve just spent three weeks not listening to music or doing excessivley happy things. But now you can - and it’s traditional to get out there and DANCE
You don’t have to dance with a bunch of other single women in white dresses in the vineyards (unless that’s your idea of a good time, in which case, more power to you I suppose) - you can do whatever form of dancing your heart desires!
Throw a party at your house!
Go out into the fields and just dance around like you’re in the Sound of Music!
Play some BANGIN’ tunes and just follow the desires of your boogeying body
Your soul will guide you in where to move, how to move, what to do, how to be!
Dancing is one of the oldest human art forms
If you physically have trouble dancing, don’t worry about it - even bobbing your head, tapping your fingers, acknowledging music through the movement of whatever you can move is beautiful - even if your soul is just dancing inside, that’s dancing too!
And, of course, sing your heart out too!
Who cares if you’re not a good singer? SING
Anyways, go to a Karaoke bar with your friends!
Invite your friends over to sing songs together - it might not be Shabbat, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a tisch!
Tisch is a word which means Table
Friday nights, after Shabbat Dinner - or right before a wedding - people will gather around at a table, eat delicious food, discuss Torah, and SING
This is also called an oneg!
One day I’ll write my Shabbat post I swear
Anyways invite your friends or family or other loved ones over, or have a skype/discord/vidchat, and sing with the people you care about! Bang on the table! FEEL THE MUSIC IN YOUR SOUL!
Tu B’Av is a day of unadulterated joy and love. Let that joy and love flow through you via music! It’s one of the oldest ways we know how to express these intense, positive emotions - and an ancient Tu B’Av tradition
A modern tradition is to send flowers and cards to loved ones (of any kind of love)!
Usually, Jewish people don’t tend to send things like flowers and gifts. Cards, sure. But a lot of gift-giving in Jewish culture nowadays is a bleedover from gentile culture (see: gift-giving at Chanukah as a borrowed tradition from Xmas)
Flowers aren’t even placed on graves or brought to funerals/houses of mourning - they are temporary objects that quickly die and lose their value, where stones placed upon graves are more permanent markers of memorial
However, giving flowers as tokens of love is a major symbol in gentile culture that is has bled over to Tu b’Av, especially among secular Israeli Jews
I mean it makes some sense - flowers are pretty, they’re in season during the summer
Back in the day it was like “I went out into the fields and PUT EFFORT INTO GETTING YOU THESE DEAD PLANTS” and now it’s more like “I spent twelve bucks to get you these dead plants” but here we are
Cards are equal-opportunity beautiful things to send loved ones as well
You could also make small hand-crafted gifts!
Basically, I’m saying sending things to loved ones that show how much you love them is a good idea
Whether those things are made or bought, natural or technological, whichever - the receiver will surely appreciate it!
Go on a Date (if you want)
So like, if you go on dates - platonic, romantic, sexual, or otherwise - Tu B’Av is a great day for a date - group date, romantic date, friend date, all the members of your polycule date - whatever!
Romance is the theme for this day, so getting your courage up and asking out that special someone is a fantastic idea - if you’re up for it!
Use it as an excuse to do something out of the ordinary with your loved one
Proposing on Tu B’Av is also a wonderful idea
As is having a wedding, though you have to like, plan that. Well in advance. Usually. Unless you just are planning on getting married in the courthouse in which case: this post is a sign. Go on Tu b’Av
Discuss your future plans with your partner - I know my fiance and I love talking about what we want our family to look like. That’s a nice activity too!
Vow Renewals are beautiful if you would find that meaningful, and Tu b’Av is a great excuse for them!!!
Go to a restaurant, see a movie, or even something more romantic than a usual date - all of these are wonderful ideas!
Even just going to a park, enjoying the nice weather, and staring up at the night sky and stars! It’s a full moon, which is hella romantic too
WALKS ARE WONDERFUL WITH EITHER JUST YOURSELF OR SOMEONE YOU’RE CELEBRATING LOVE WITH
Sex is a fun time, if you enjoy that and have someone to do it with in a safe and consensual way
You could also just straight up watch Fiddler on the Roof it talks about love a lot so it feels thematically appropriate
Game nights is also a great date idea!
Connect with the soul of one(s) you love!!!! That’s what Tu B’Av is all about
And it doesn’t have to be the souls of others - SELF LOVE IS ALSO IMPORTANT
Even if you’re not in the right mental headspace for blatant self-love, take Tu b’Av as a self-care day!
Pamper yourself like you would someone you’re taking on a date
Do something you really love - visit a location you like, watch a movie you enjoy, talk to people you like to talk to
This is the moTHER FUCKING GRAPE HARVEST, LADS
Grapes come in so many forms
And, of course, dishes containing any of these things (like oatmeal raisin cookies, raisin challah, grape pie, grape ice cream, raisin cake, the list goes on)
In fact I highly encourage you to just get down to business and make raisin challah for Tu b’Av and if you protest this you’re a coward. yes, I’m bringing back the discourse @aka-maayan
Don’t like grapes? No problem! This festival is so far removed from the grape harvest, just have whatever product you use for kiddush (the sanctification blessing on Shabbat, usually done with grape juice but other products are sometimes used in some traditions)
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. HAVE A TREAT. IT IS A DAY OF LOVE.
Torah study is seen as an activity of love and joy - celebrating the love and connection between G?d and the Jewish people, as well as between G?d and yourself
So, you know, study Torah on Tu b’Av, even if its just a little
The low-hanging fruit here is obviously the Song of Songs, but there are other options too
The love stories between Yitzchak and Rivka, and then Yaakov and Rachel, are deeply etched into the Torah and worth studying for this holiday
The story of the Israelites crossing the red sea, and the women dancing and singing during it, is very reminiscent of temple-time Tu b’Av traditions
You can also study the portions of the Talmud which discuss the holiday
Some psalms are themed around love, as are some proverbs!
Studying Jewish texts about LGBTQ+ individuals (have you bought A Rainbow Thread yet? Because you should; I’d give a link but tumblr is crap, don’t worry you can google it) is a wonderful idea for the day of love, as well as texts about women in Judaism
The study of Torah is an activity of love - follow it wherever it may take you. There are not traditional readings for this day, so it’s left wide open for your perusal!
Forgive the Homestuck joke there, but seriously, this is a holiday on which to connect with others
Form a friend group to do exciting, Tu b’Av themed activities with
Involve your romantic partner - even if they’re not Jewish! - in the activities
Connect with others. This is an oft-neglected, but still beautiful, Jewish holiday and part of it is about the connections between souls - so embrace that!
I am a tired Jew who is looking at the clock towards the high holidays with increasingly panicked eyes
I only have my experiences and perspectives to offer here, I cannot give more than that
Look up stuff on your own! Delve deep into what other people have to offer! There’s so much hidden in Tu B’Av that I didn’t even know before I got started
You won’t regret learning more - this post is just a starting point!
Good Luck, and G’mar Chatimah Tovah!!!!! <3 <3 <3