Verlierer chapter 9 (last chapter)
I tried bringing him home. Instead I took him to GĂźnterâs place hoping heâll settle down before heading home. GĂźnter had let us, and was handing Matty cups of water. âDrinkâ âEat this.â He was like your personal nurse. He came back with a warm rag to place it over Mattyâs head.
He glanced towards me. âItâs your fault.â He meant it, thatâs what hurt and I couldnât care less anymore. I was done fighting. Done fighting over everything, maybe if I hadnât gone to that arcade Matty wouldnât have killed anyone.
âSorry ain't an excuse to involve him in our stuff.â
âI wasnât involving him in anything,â It felt like an excuse. âWe were at the arcade with JĂźrgen and Ernäl, before any of this.â
âThatâs what I meant!â I flinched when he shouted at me, he pointed towards Matty who still looked frail. âErnäl ainât that close to Matty like you are. Matty doesn't know the places Ernäl takes you, Mattyâs supposed to be your responsibilityâkeeping him away from the sharks.â
Boy, it felt like my body was heating up. Never once in a while, someone ranked a higher profile than you blames you for the murder, for the fights, for leaving their best friend traumatized. I felt like the song "Smalltown Boy" if thatâs what itâs called. Searching for freedom in a place I sure as hell donât belong anymore.
Did I traumatize Matty? Thatâs what ran in my head. âI screwed up.â
âYou did more than that,â GĂźnter said, while removing the warm rag from Mattyâs forehead. âAnd I donât wanna see your dumbass involving him in our mess.â
âTake him home, but donâtââ
âI know,â I said. He was acting like I hadnât heard him. I didnât wanna deal with him anymore, so Matty and I stepped out of GĂźnterâs place walking back to the train station in the chilling cold.
I took some time to think about what happened. I thought about his sobs, the way he was staring at me with fear. GĂźnter was right about one thing, and one thing only. It was my fault⌠everything I involved Matty in was my fault. I didnât want to believe it. I didnât want to, It would make me feel worse about myself. I tried praying to a higher power before, hoping for answers on why I feel like I am. Not to Islam like my dad, or orthodoxy like my mother. I prayed to Norse pagan gods before, hoping I could hear something from my ancestors.
Nothing came out. I hadnât received anything. Paganism was full of lies. People came at me when I told them about it. It ainât nothing but lies, and jokes and myths. Theyâre dead, why pray to dead gods buried underground.
âAxl,â Matty called out. âIt ainât your fault.â
I didnât believe it. âJust keep walking.â
We were close to the train station, I think itâll just drop off Matty and then say goodbye. For real this time. I donât see the point in living anymore after everything. Everything was my fault after all.
âAxl, Matty!â A voice suddenly stopped us. It was Ernä. When he ran towards us, his face was covered in panic.
âWhere the hell have you come from?â Matty asked.
âNo time for that. Look, weâre in big trouble man. The shark's hideout is burned down in flames, and theyâre looking for a rumble. Theyâre meeting up with Hassan in the morning.â Ernäl explained.
So many thoughts crossed my mind, I hadnât thought about the rumble.
âThey know about Matty too. They want him in the rumble.â
My breath caught in my throat. âWhat..?â
âHe has to fight Axl.â
That canât be real, they canât hurt Matty. They canât hurt someone I have known for years. Iâm supposed to be his protector. Everything was coming down at me like a hurricane. I deserved this, this is what you deserve when youâre in a gang? There ainât no going back anymore. Matty was already disturbed enough, if I involved him in the rumble it would ruin him mentally.
âHe canât do that,â I told him. âHe ainât a rat.â
âNaw, but they know youâre rolling with him,â Ernäl said, and the way he said it felt like a threat. âMake your choice man, if not theyâll kill him.â
He left right then. I felt sorry for whoever wanted Matty involved in the rumble. Iâll be damned if they killed him.
âIâll fight,â Matty blurted out.
âYou donât have too-â
âI do,â he interrupted me, brave enough to stand his ground. âDo it for your parents, do it for me. Fight for the people who failed you.â
I processed his words. He was one strong little boy. It was funny. I patted him on the back. âThen letâs do it.â
The day of the rumble came, and I wasnât at the meeting in the morning since I was at Mattyâs place. It was pitch black, so we grabbed some weapons like a pipe, a baseball bat, and brass knuckles. Matty owned lots of things I hadnât even known he owned. As soon as Mattyâs parents were in bedâwe headed out the door.
The location where the rumble was hosted was in the lot where we had the meeting weeks ago. Ricky sat between Matty and I. I had a cigarette dangling from my lips, as I held Matty in my arms since he was shivering.
âI donât get why he has to fight.â I said, and Ricky just sighed.
âThis is all fucked up.â It was. Everything was complicated and there was nothing to do about it.
I was zoned out, so was Matty. It was cold outside too, my hands felt numb from the cold. I was humming Golden Brown by The Stranglers for comfort, and to help relax Matty a little. Ricky sat there watching with those relaxed eyes of his. Ricky wrapped an arm around us and I felt safe in a good way.
âI used to hum that song a lot,â Ricky replied out of nowhere, I glanced at him wondering what he meant. âAlmost everyday when grieving. It means something to me.â
I smiled. âMatty showed me the song, I donât know if it feels like youâre in a different world.â
Although, I knew the song was about drug abuse. Yet, the melody feels so damn relaxing. It was as if all your problems ran away instantly. I was just glad Ricky was beside me and Matty in this hell.
Some Rat by the name of Deniz ran to us and shouted âLetâs go!â Which meant the rumble was about to start. We stood up and got on our feet. I had Matty close next to me and Ricky. A bunch of the sharks were already there, and hell they were a good amount almost the size of a battlefield. JĂźrgen was there in the middle between a lanky guy, and his brother Richie.
Hassan and Richie stepped in front of each other. I didnât know what they were about to do, all I heard was silent silence with the sounds of birds chirping from behind. I stared at the birds for a moment. One had red fur with a mix of black and the thing is that it stared at me. I felt a familiar urge.. a sign from my mother.
Then, âNOW!â All of the gangs were crashing into each other. I lunged at some guy with the baseball bat, striking him in the rib. Matty held some shark in a chokehold, while Ricky and GĂźnter were fighting in fists. I had a hard time picking up my pace, since I was wheeling around too much while trying to jab someoneâs eye out. But before I could even get a chance to lunge, I was shoved against the wall hard, collapsing onto the ground, which hurt like hell.
Matty noticed and quickly yelled warning me. âSTAY BACK!â He yelled though, I stayed crouched against the cold wall as I silently stared at the gangs tearing each other down like wild animals that have forgotten how to be human.
Ricky was moving like a beast. Wild, desperate, ruthless, just like heâs always been. While GĂźnter was struggling to fight back, barely holding himself back. Each blow sounded too loud. My palms began shaking from anxiety; I had never agreed to fight in rumbles before. I hated how fists met flesh, but I didnât understand what rumbles were for.
But now, something inside me had told me to defend my crew anyway. So I stood up, clenched my fists so tight I felt my nails dig into my palms like I was holding onto a brick. Before I could even lunge, the first thing I heard Ricky yell was:
I stopped instantly at the mention of my real name. No one has called me Yusuf before. Not since my parents died in a car accident, when I would receive the news later on my doorstep. Not since my dog was put down by the nurses back home in Norway because my dog had cancer, and he was too old to play fetch with me again. The name Yusuf belonged to a Turkish-Norwegian kid who went through trauma. Yusuf died long ago. Hearing it now made my heart shatter.
âYou fool, let me fight for you.â He cried, his voice broke as he warned me to stay back. He knew. Everyone in the rats knew I couldnât take a hit to the face. And if I did, I knew it would hurt, and Iâll spend weeks whining about the pain. Feeling useless like I always did.
Though, even as the gangs still fought in the black night. I looked at Ricky again.
Rickyâs eyes met mine. His eyes were glossy under the lights. I had never seen him get emotional before. Never seen any boy in a gang that looked like they might cry. I used to think about how boys couldnât cry when they were in gangs, because they had to be tough and meaner, so they wouldnât lose their reputation.
I then realized, this is what I deserved.
I thought about Matty, how we used to joke around about the most ridiculous things, and how Matty would show me his book collection at his place. I used to tease him about how nerdy he was because he always spent his time studying for upcoming exams while balancing a job. Not when he killed Anthony by mistake.
About Ricky, on how he always tried his best to support me while being in a gang.
About Gßnter, Ernäl and my parents. About everything I have suffered ever since.
I thought of Hassan again. How I thought he was selfish, pushed me like I was nothing. Hassan used to yell and holler at me all the time; he didn't give a hang about me. Because of him, I was skin and bones; heâd never fed me. Suddenly, the moment I met his eyes, he was staring at me, pale and scared. He was silently begging I would stay away from the fight.
Come on, man, don't come close.
He didnât make a sound, but I could tell how scared he was to the point he tried to bury it.
What Matty, Gßnter, Ernäl and Ricky were saying was true; Hassan did care. He was just scared. He was trying to protect himself; he was only twenty in a gang. He was scared of losing me. That's why he was always tough on me. Maybe Hassan cared about me as much as he cared about anyone in the gang. More than he ever knew how to say.
I watched as Hassan went back to fighting Richie, all fists, no weapons yet. I saw Jßrgen standing nearby, frozen, staring at Ernäl beating down one of the sharks. I never trusted Jurgen in the first place; his sharks almost tried to murder me. Why would I trust a kid whose brother is the Sharks' leader?
GĂźnter was on the verge of bleeding. Ricky couldnât take it anymore; he was tired. I watched as my friends destroyed themselves for their crew. I thought about what Ricky taught me again. Where you live and die a Rat.
Then, when I saw Hassan stab Richie, Jurgen screamed for his brother, like I did mom and dad.
I finally processed the details of what was happening.
I began to sob like a baby. I let out broken, ugly sobs as I finally understood what the rumbles were for and why people even bothered dying in them. I didnât like fights, not even when I was little. Except, here I was. Facing the consequences of what I chose to be involved in, instead of being sent to a boys' home. I hadn't cried since Aslan died, since mom and dad died. But I couldnât let my gang down somehow.
I wiped my face as I stepped forward. I fought back even when I couldnât, even if I was the weakest; my gang was getting exhausted. So I tried to help them as much as I could, even when I felt like I couldn't live anymore.
Sirens wailed in the distance. The policemanâs gun spat fire into the black night. They were close to where we were. And maybe this was it. Maybe I did want to die in a gang fight as a suicide mission after all. If I were to go home, no one would knowâI was only bluffing about wanting to live.
Throughout the noise, I could hear Ricky, Matty and Ernäl screaming my fucking name, warning me to step back.
I didnât listen, because I fought and fought until my hands were slick with sweat. My vests and my shoes were getting dirtier than I could imagine, and it didnât feel like my clothes anymore. Then, Lorenzo caught and tackled me onto the cold ground. I gave him a soft blow to the face before I scrambled back up. Warren was behind me; he saw me hurting his best friend. Warren grabbed the pipe in anger. I didnât see Warren sprinting towards my figure, except I suddenly felt it. The impact of the pipe struck me on the head hard, where it hit my brain. My eyes widened. I couldnât turn around to see who it was as I was dead before I collapsed onto the cold ground. I was dead before I even got the chance to turn twenty. Before I figured out who I was. Crimson red pooled beneath my head, soaking my hair.
Ricky shoved one of the sharks aside and came rushing towards me. Ernäl and Matty followed suit as they dropped beside me. Mattyâs hands shook as the trio tried to wake me. Ricky gently shook me by the shoulders.
âAxl, donât do this, kid, wake up.â
I couldnât hear them anymore, and I didnât blame myself because I knew this was something I deserved in the first place.
I remember the time I begged to spare my life from being almost killed by Warren and his friends.
âPlease not me⌠not me.. please,â
Maybe I did deserve to die. And maybe this was something I deserved and wanted.
And now Yusuf Axelsen is deadâŚ.
And he got what he always wanted.
And when I stepped out of my little home in Narvik, Norway, I remembered coming out of the hospital when I was sixâŚ
