Now I know some people get tired of seeing gender reversals online ("well if a man did this...." )
But hear me out
Sometimes it's good for us to think about how we would respond in a similar situation but with the genders reversed
Your first inclination may be to say that you wouldn't change your response, and some of you wouldn't. But others would. And I think it's important we recognize any bias we may have
It was kind of nice to see AITA commenters reflect on that when they realized they had given a completely different judgement and had genuinely felt differently to two posts that were exactly the same but the genders were reversed. It was the actual proof that there was a gender bias on the sub. I was kind of surprised by how many people admitted that they had been biased and started reflect rather than double down or quietly ignore it.
Its easy for people to get mad about gender reversal if you haven't had to experience it.
When I used to run a social group, we had two identical situations.
One was with a man being subtly creepy and invasive, wanting to lovebomb me with unwarranted gifts and know personal information way too quickly. I wasn't sure if I was the only one experiencing it, so I brought it up in a private discussion with our other group veterans to make sure everyone was safe.
In a group full of all women except for myself, the response was clear: Don't give him chances, don't let him explain himself. Ban him from the space immediately without any form of trial, without even telling him what he did, even when the man being weird was gay and only being weird towards me, the only other man in the group, and not towards any of the women. But he was a man acting this way, so he had to go.
A few months later, we had an identical situation with a woman, except she was actually FAR worse. The creepy man at least had backed off when I said I didn't want random gifts or didn't push when I said I wasn't comfortable sharing my information with this random stranger on the internet. The woman quite literally told me that "too bad", she was going to force gifts onto me anyway, to be "nice". When it was brought up with the other members of the group, again all women, it was endless excuses. "She's just shy". "She's just awkward". "She's harmless, don't worry about it". The list of discomforts was much, much longer with her than with the previous man, and unlike him, telling her "No" just meant she would escalate and become even more aggressively pushy about disrespecting boundaries and trying to "win me over". Suddenly, nobody in the group cared about how uncomfortable I was, because it was a woman doing it. They didn't see the problem.
It took all of one month adding this woman to our group for friends I had known for a decade (who were also being aggressively lovebombed) to decide we weren't friends anymore and just cut me off without warning, because my boundaries of not wanting to be creeped on suddenly were a problem, because she was a "harmless woman" doing it to me, and her behaviors were just "awkwardness".
Friends I had known for a decade were cutting me off and then sending me messages later that they "wished I could see how mentally ill I am" for not trusting this woman I'd only known for a few weeks who would casually "joke" about kidnapping me into a cabin in the woods away from society where no one would ever find us, and who heard "No" and declared in no unclear terms she was going to do whatever she wanted anyway, not even bothering to hide it from the group when she did, even when I said it flat out made me uncomfortable.
Yes. If a man they only started talking to a few weeks ago said they were going to find where they live in real life so they can kidnap them into the woods, they WOULD have treated it differently. I know this for a fact because I had seen it unfold in this exact group of individuals prior to this happening.
But because it was a woman, they not only let her get away with the behaviors, they ended their friendship with me for being uncomfortable with it.
I no longer trust people who have certain visceral reactions to the things men do until I see whether or not they have the same reaction to when a woman also does the same shitty thing. Until then, relationship trust on any level isn't even on the table.






























