whiskey apologist

omgcp! & hockey side blog khak (they/them) | 28 follows back from complexedandfruity all irl hockey tagged #irl hockey ao3: whiskeyapologist

[whiskeyapologist]

fic masterpost !!

find me on ao3: whiskeyapologist

series: got me sick with your honey magic (aka my popstar!kent x roadie!whiskey au heavily inspired by my job in live entertainment)

1) i'm not a saint (11347 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Summary: KENT PARSON ANNOUNCES “I’M NOT A SAINT” WORLD TOUR Beloved entertainer and season 13 winner of American Idol Kent Parson has announced a world tour to promote his fourth studio album “In The Palm of Your Hand.” The 30 show North American leg kicks off spring 2025 in Seattle and makes stops in a number of cities, including San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Parson’s hometown of Las Vegas before concluding in Miami. Tickets are on sale now! title is from "wait, stay" by emarosa 2) take the moment and taste it (1009 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Kent’s sister and niece are in town for what’s been dubbed the annual “Parson Birthday Bonanza”. July 4th is Kent’s birthday. His niece, Penelope, was also born on July 4th. --- this is for all the kent swiftie truthers <3 title from "you're on your own kid" by taylor swift 3) you got a pretty way to fight (2326 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Maybe Kent’s never had a casual bone in his body. Maybe he knows how much havoc that’s already wreaked in his life. Maybe he’s scared. And maybe, whenever Connor gives him that shy smile and indulges him when he stretches the bounds of professional and doesn’t bat an eye at his fame-induced idiosyncrasies, that fear loses its bite. --- kent & connor's late night after the vegas/coyotes game, from kent's point of view best read after "i'm not a saint" title is from "pretty way to fight" by knox hamilton 4) and you are always on my mind (2462 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/2 Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kent "Parse" Parson/Connor "Whiskey" Whisk Characters: Connor "Whiskey" Whisk, Kent "Parse" Parson, Connor "Whiskey" Whisk's parents & grandma Additional Tags: popstar!kent, roadie!whiskey, hyperspecific job au Series: Part 4 of got me sick with your honey magic Summary: Whiskey thought it would bother him. Being a secret. - Whiskey's at home after the US leg of Kent Parson's "I'm Not A Saint" tour, being a normal person for a little while. Or at least pretending to be. Best read after "i'm not a saint" & "you got a pretty way to fight" title from "can you keep a secret?" by the cab

ongoing multi-chapter fic: one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster (13598 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 7/? Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Kent "Parse" Parson/Connor "Whiskey" Whisk, Denice "Foxtrot" Ford & Tony "Tango" Tangredi & Connor "Whiskey" Whisk, Past Jack Zimmerman/Kent Parson Characters: Kent "Parse" Parson, Kent Parson's Cat, Connor "Whiskey" Whisk, OFC, Denice "Foxtrot" Ford, Tony "Tango" Tangredi, Jack Zimmermann Additional Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, Kent "Parse" Parson Character Study, everyone needs an emotional support little sister tbh, Canon Divergence, hand-wavey medical details, forwarding my "kent parson has SUCH tech theater kid potentional" agenda one legally blonde: the musical lyric at a time Summary: He recovers from a harmless check from the Bruins right winger and turns to find the puck on the ice. The dread Kent’s been attempting to keep at bay the entire day rushes into his body, pooling in his limbs, leaving him petrified on the ice as everything around him slows in a way that shouldn’t be possible. Twelve minutes into the first period, it hits him. The puck, that is. --- In the second game of the Las Vegas Aces' 2015-16 season, captain and generational talent Kent Parson takes a puck to the throat, ending his hockey career. He later decides to go to college and get a degree in … something (he's sure he'll figure it out eventually, he's got time). Through circumstances that are absolutely within his control, Kent applies to and gets into Samwell University, where he'll come face-to-face with his past, the reality of his present, and the possibilities for his future. --- not on hiatus, just updating at a glacial place lol

one-off oneshots: your new girl is my clone (697 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Check Please! (Webcomic) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Kent "Parse" Parson, Jack Zimmermann Additional Tags: Mention of Jack's overdose, i think it's technically canon compliant Summary: choosing to believe that after the cup kiss, kent parson allowed himself one bitchy little tweet about the whole thing, as a treat <3 title from "is it over now?" by taylor swift

my insides are copper, i'd kill to make them gold (5390 words) by whiskeyapologist Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Connor climbs the steps outside his apartment building and reaches for the pockets he doesn’t have. He pats the front of his hip bones where his jacket pockets should be, and it dawns on him. He rewinds the tape of the previous night and watches it happen: soft hands unlock the apartment door; soft hands pull him inside, past the doorway, towards the couch; soft hands nudge well-worn jean off his shoulders until it drops onto the back of the couch. Connor lives out of that jacket, and he forgot to grab it on his way out. “Fuck.” --- After fleeing a one night stand and leaving his jacket behind, Connor gets a hold of a certain Eric Bittle the only way he knows how: utilizing the bar where they met as a post office to exchange letters penpal-style. title is from "sending postcards from a plane crash (wish you were here)" by fall out boy, bc i'm hilarious

[clytemnestraaa]

if Hayden hadn’t outed them publicly how do you think they’d go about it after getting married ?

tastefully worded borderline ambiguous post on shane’s instagram featuring photos of them together on various scenic hikes standing at least 3 feet apart in every shot. followed by a tourist’s photo of them in ibiza with ilya with the worst sunburn of his life fully lobster red with both hands down the back of shane’s swim trunks grabbing his bare ass. followed by a tweet published on ilya’s twitter at 3:31am and deleted at 4:47am that reads YES I SUCK COCK YOUR MOTHER WAS GREAT TEACHER

[rimouskis]

happy pride to the nhl player who was preparing to come out and changed his mind. I hope he's happy and loved.

[whiskeyapologist]

hockey teams used to have phil kessel on them

[softbrah]

see the thing about Kent Parson and Jack Zimmermann is that one day, maybe not long after Jack’s married, maybe many years after, the two of them will meet once more at a face-off and Kent will toss Jack the same careless, unbothered smirk that he gives all his opponents and Jack will be able to tell, in that very moment, from that sliver of platinum gray and the ease of Kent’s smile lines, that Kent really is unbothered. That he really has moved on.

and on that day, whenever it comes, Jack “I lobotomized myself just to finally feel normal” Zimmermann is absolutely going to crash the fuck out.

[whiskeyapologist]

started lexapro last week & the brain fog is kicking my ass so i decided i'd try to name all 32 nhl teams & a player from each team from memory (& went 64/64)

[409-conflict]

I cannot stop thinking about what a fucking year Ilya had in 2014

Putin warns gay people not to spread propaganda during Sochi Olympics

Every Western media outlet wants a sound bite from Ilya, a Russian superstar who’s lived in the West for five years, regarding the gay propaganda laws

Ilya has to thread the needle of neither denouncing or promoting Russia’s stance

Ilya leads the National Hockey Team to a demoralising crash out

The prettiest man in the world makes the unbelievably stupid decision that now is a good time and place to talk to each other in public for the first time ever

He is upbraided by his Papa

Sveta completely misreads what he needs, and he can’t even be mad about it because at least she’s trying

The Bolotnaya Square protesters are convicted

Russia moves troops into Crimea

He keeps frantically googling pictures of Shane in the middle of the night

Russian opposition leaders are detained

G8 suspends Russian membership

Boston makes the playoffs

The Russian government enacts laws tightening control of dissemination of information, categorising bloggers alongside journalists

The Donetsk and Luhansk referenda, unrecognised by the international community

Boston wins the Stanley Cup

Has panic attack in a bathroom, is immediately accused of being an asshole for arriving on time

Successfully convinces himself he’s capable of having sex with Shane without feelings, definitely doesn’t cry once he’s alone

Super super fun happy times summer with his ailing father

MH17 shot down by Russian-made missile

Russia hits back at sanctions by banning food imports, sends food prices soaring

Oil prices crash, halving Russia’s national budget

Foreign ownership in Russia media is capped

Has Totally No Strings No Feelings secret sex with Shane, everything is Chill

Russian financial crisis hits, prices of food up 40 to 50%, some KHL teams can’t even pay their players

And all throughout this, every time he opens Facebook he’s tagged in yet another hundred fucking ALS ice bucket challenges

[andrewblahfield]

"Hollander may as well have stabbed Ilya in the gut. Ilya could practically feel the blade twisting, tearing up his insides. He hoped Hollander didn’t notice his shaking fingers as he brought the cigarette back to his lips. In that moment, Ilya wanted to tell Hollander everything. Instead, he closed his eyes and said, “I should sleep.” x

[ilyapasta]

Let me settle this. Neither Svetlana nor Ilya are the sensible friend. Neither one is doing well. They are losing things in the club. Debit card: gone. Passport: wet. They are putting tablets in each other’s mouths. They are winking at each other as they lead various pretty people to the bathroom. They are screaming “this is my song!!!!” Whenever some generic 2010s anthem comes on. The only thing I’ll concede is that sometimes one of them is slightly less drunk when they’re getting home and helping the other one and when it’s Ilya who is slightly less drunk his inner monologue is “this is how I prove myself as a man. I am the pinnacle of integrity. Is anyone watching me comport myself with respect and dignity as I assist this wild woman” but crucially he’s throwing up in a storm drain while Svetlana is screaming into her phone in Russian because Ilya was too busy puking to keep her from calling her ex.

Svetlana still lets him fuck her that night. No kissing tho.

[ilyapasta]

And Svetlana’s inner monologue isn’t any better in terms of a superiority complex: “Ilya is misguided. He is still ‘hooking up.’ I am becoming entangled in 13 week long situationships with stockbrokers in open relationships with spouses they previously cheated on. These people care about me. I am a romantic.”

She’s thinking this while Ilya drinks a prosecco split out of her belly button before passing out with a sigh that sounds like ‘svane.’ Somehow Ilya ends up in the dry spot on the bed and at one point she considers rolling him onto the floor.

But when they wake up at 3am absolutely wounded and dehydrated and blood pumping like cement through their hearts, Ilya does grill her a cheese. She uses the good glasses Ilya doesn’t appreciate and fills them with ice and his purple gatorade that he only shares with her. Svetlana asks him how his father is doing. Ilya says he’s fine, he’s taking care of it.

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about the idea of rose giving shane a weighted blanket as a gift and it soon becoming ilya's Number One Enemy in their house

at first it was just because it was a gift from rose, but now??? shane is cuddling up under The Mistress? ("ilya, it is a fucking blanket-") shane does not need to ask ilya to lay on top of him because he would rather be beneath The Mistress? ("ilya, for FUCK'S sake, you weren't even home-") maybe shane doesn't even need him anymore. maybe The Mistress can learn to suck his co- ("i'm going to bed. you can join me or you can keep glaring at a FUCKING BLANKET")

[penandinkprincess]

i feel like rose probably went for the heaviest option available, so like a 40 pounder, so it does have some good heft to it

and i'm cackling about this arrangement being referred to as a threesome as a joke, which is all well and good until someone is reading over ilya's shoulder one day and sees shane send the message, "today has fucking sucked. can we have a threesome when you get home, please?" and is just ???? hello???? what?? the fuck??? are y'all just out here casually having threesomes on a tuesday??? that hollander asks for wiTH A PLEASE??? WHO IS INVOLVED ONTHIS THREESOME FOR IT TO BE HAPPENING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE????

[penandinkprincess]

not helping this is that ilya responds with, "yes of course ♥️. do you think your mistress can take care of you in the meantime? just this once she can have you to herself."

and what he's doing is just teasing shane to lighten the mood, but person at the coffee shop behind him in line is just

[penandinkprincess]

this escalates to the point that shane really has no other option than to post some kind of statement about it being an inside joke, and ilya of course has to be a little shit about it and post a response on twitter or whatever about, "oh, you will not tell them you are snuggling with your mistress right now, hollander? you will break my heart but not admit it to the world?" and so shane posts another picture that's just a pov from his place on the couch with the weighted blanket over his legs and ilya on the other end grinning SO WIDE because he's SO pleased with himself. and the caption is something like "pictured: my "mistress" and my soon-to-be-ex-husband." and ilya thinks it's SO fucking funny because yes! vindication! let the world pity him (even if playfully).

and this then backfires on him SO FAST.

now weighted blanket brands are sending shane pr trying to get him to mention them/show them off in a picture, and ilya is now fucking SURROUNDED by mistresses all competing for his husband's attention. BULLSHIT. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED.

weighted blanket eleven comes in the mail and ilya goes live on instagram just FURIOUS. the frame is him in front of a PILE of weighted blankets and he is just

"enough! enough of this! are too many in our house. is like being fucking-shane, what is word? people in utah, they have many wives?"

shane in the background, not fully paying attention: "mormons?"

"those! we are not mormons! household is FULL. marriage is FULL. stop this! every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house."

"every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house" goes viral as a sound for people surrounded by clutter/pets/etc.

shane receives five more weighted blankets.

[hereticpraetor]

im the princess. im the princess of swag city and everyone loves me

[pecanplease]

Whiskey doesn't hang out at the Haus because he tagged along with Tango to team brunch once during freshman year and Lardo made a comment about how hockey is both gay and homophobic and he and Dex made eye contact and Whiskey doesn't know what that means but Nursey saw them look at each other and he cannot risk something like that happening again

[pecanplease]

@willlpoindexter you... you understand

[conartisthaiji]

[image description: a set of tumblr tags, as follows. 

nursey: ...are whiskey and dex a thing

chowder: what the fuck are you talking about /end id]

[a-silly-poll-side-blog-yay]

you have to spend a week with the last person you googled how is it going

good

bad

great

awful

results

Voting ended onMay 1

[cryptidfuckery]

[broken-horn-of-equius]

The milkman, whose milk is delicious.

[ill-gotten-gaines]

After they're out, Shane and Ilya record a lifestyle video together for ESPN. ESPN is chomping at the bit: no one can imagine Racecar Rozanov and Hockey IQ Hollander's life behind closed doors, and they want the exclusive.

The crew shows up totally unsure of what to expect, charmed but surprised when it's Ilya opening the door in a tank and sweats and dramatically sighing, "Is meal prep day."

They spend hours filming the couple navigating the kitchen, arguing over how much salt to put in their egg cups, talking about how they learned to cook together when they first made a real go of their relationship.

Shane keeps his hands busy and his eyes focused on his prep work, and that makes it easier to talk about the murky grey area between healthy food choices and disordered eating. Ilya just rubs his back and mocks how he's dicing the bell peppers and keeps calling what he's wearing his "unlucky sweatpants" until Shane hits him in the face with a spatula while mumbling something about tuna melts.

Surprising exactly no one, the video goes viral when it drops on YouTube. It explodes on socials, with thousands of people stitching together Ilya saying "is meal prep day" with videos of their own meal prep, their healthy habits, sharing their own journey to loving food and treating it as fuel and not punishment. They use the tag #eatlikehollanov and it trends immediately.

Ilya's favorite part is when fans start to battle over #eatlikehollanov - the food posts get overtaken with videos and photos of them out at social events, serving cunt and generally looking like top designers battle it out for who gets repped by The Gay Wonder Twins of Hockey (which they do, and stop calling us that, we're married you perverts).

Then Shane and Ilya are spotted at a bar making out in a dark corner and everyone remembers these two probably spend 30% of their waking hours eating each other alive, and suddenly it's #eatlikehollanov munch munch munch yum yum yum.

The Centaurs jump on the trend, sharing their own food prep videos with increasing innuendo. Luca Haas turning bright red while eating a glazed donut gets 3 million views, but Troy really breaks the internet by eating a banana while maintaining eye contact with the camera the whole time. Harris threatens to replace the Kiss Cam at games with #eatlikehollanov and Shane tries his hardest to crawl into a corner and die because he just wanted to share how he protein loads, you guys, why did you have to make it so weird.

Scott Hunter helps not at all by making blueberry and banana smoothies with Kip. Shirtless.

[winterwatcherxx]

no because what do you mean this is sidney crosby + alex ovechkin’s 100th game against each other and it might be the last time ever. what do you mean dylan strome purposely got himself kicked out of the faceoff so ovi can face off against sid one last time. what do you mean after the longest pittsburgh-washington rivalry ever, the crowd gave ovi a long standing ovation for what might be his last game in pittsburgh. what do you mean ovi was interviewed about sid not playing yesterday, and he said it’s okay, he knows he’s going to play today. what do you MEAN their rivalry has existed for decades, and has brought some of the most exciting hockey ever to the league, and this era could be ending THIS WEEK.

how can you not be romantic about hockey?

[omgcheckplease]

raise your hand if you'd like to see Whiskey go absolutely feral in check, please! year five

[analog-delight]

Knight in her backwards snapback at MSG everything is beautiful