Part 3) CyberJerk Alert, all sorts of Sloppy Math, Alien3 in a HardDrive & The much less cool Exploits of Motoko Kusinagi
Guten Samstag, my fellow statistics... **MATH TIME!!!!** --Facebook currently boasts a whopping: 2.23 BILLION users registered. --Now, stay with me, cause the security breach they reported yesterday came sliding into home with a not-so-shabby: 50 MILLION users compromised --So we...[random brilliant calculations & mumbling you just gotta trust is way above your skill level] ... AH-HAH!!! --It's just as I thought, McDonaldland! If you subtract the smaller one from the bigger one you get... 2 BILLION 180 MILLION!!!!!! --That number's just crazy, right?!? I mean, try to count that high real quick... I'll wait... I'm kidding!! It sucks!! No, really. Stop counting. --So the 2,180,000,000 [😎] was irrelevant cause those guys are the dipshits who skated by on this straight up jack move. --What's important here is, 50MILL. is a whole lot of MILLS and Zuckerberg ain't called me up yet to mark me safe, so I'm making assumptions now. --Let's see... how many apps and websites you use that you just signed right in with good ole FaceBook? ... $$$$CHA-CHIINNGGGG!!!$$$$ --This one? --See what I'm getting at? Cause it gets worse... How many OTHER apps & sites you sign in with the same password as the FB one? ... $$$$CHA-CCHHHHIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG!!!!!$$$$ --INTERESTING... You ain't greasin' around with one of your e-mail accounts flying that same flag, are you? ...oh damn. That's a pretty major: CHA to the CH-CH-CHIING, playa. --I'd call you a little naive and short-sighted for that, only, it don't really matter so much, cause GUESS WHAT?!? another 40 MILLION profiles were found to have been diddled with from INSIDE THE 50MILL. THAT WERE HACKED!!! GROTEYfuckinBLOATEY, ya'll. GAG ME WITH SOME NASTY STRANGER'S FINGER!!! --But, wait just a damn minute, party people, cause here's where it gets kinda admirably clever. Cause these hackers, I'm automatically picturing Bill Murray, Geena Davis & Randy Quaid as their characters from Short Change, only much, much smarter & not nearly as charming (another assumption. Not calling them out, IRONMAN 3 style, & not giving out my IP address) --...these smoove criminals hacked ya shit, molested ya neighbor's shit USING your shit, got all ya info & whatever pictures you looked best in, grabbed... wait for it... your cute little *CERTIFICATE* that your online version of you busts all up in the other sites, waving in the air like Charlie Bucket going to see Mr. Wonka, yelling: --"IT'S OK. I DON'T NEED A NEW PASSWORD OR NONE OF THAT BUSINESS. I GOT MY FACEBOOK TICKET!!! OH, WHAT? I HAD A DIFFERENT PASSWORD HERE? AND I NEED TO GIVE IT TO YOU FIRST? ... I musta forgot it... Yep... In fact... E-MAIL THAT SHIT TO ME, SON!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! IT'S ALL GOOD!! YOU KNOW ME!!!" --And that's how 50 million turned to 90 million, then branched out in every direction and became... nobody knows yet. The damage won't be fully assessed for years. It'll manifest in more hacks, randomly wiped bank accounts, identity theft, little traps being set all over the internet that pose as innocent downloads of everyday software that we'll always need, only now it'll come to you pregnant with funny little bots that immediately take off in every direction, one got your passwords, one drives off in your browser to pick up his boys, one kamikaze's straight into the root folders at the heart of your computer and, with his dying breath, as your trusty Mcafee or Norton antivirus arrogantly runs his ass down, plants an even funnier little ROOTKIT way down under all the big, dirty, scary *SYSTEM* crap, where all the hard labor & number crunching goes down behind the scenes, so you don't have to REALLY know what you're doing to fire up Mr. Photoshop for the annual family Christmas card and there's no need to understand the processes behind pulling a perfect 360 no-scope without ever spilling a drop of Mt. Dew all over your Doritos. --Meanwhile, The little Dick Van Dyke chimney sweeps bouncing around down there, all dirty faced and chim-chim-charoo-ing and shoveling coal into the furnaces or whatever it is that makes the computas light up all smart like, the poor little guys are getting picked off one-by-one and none of 'em believe the new guy from Avast that got stranded down here when his antivirus steamroller crashed... Nobody wants to believe they got the devil running around down here with 'em. In those endless FILEPATHS, without a single weapon between 'em. They start suspecting each other. They start making stupid mistakes. Shit keeps crashing... freezing... -- Ya boy, Avast, keeps tellin' everybody to hold out till the company gets here, but he knows they can all see straight through his bullshit facade. He just wonders if they know HOW full of it he is..? ... if they even suspect that he's been in contact. The company is on the way, but it ain't no rescue mission. They want a specimen. They keep repeating the same message over and over: "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DELETE ROGUE ROOTKIT. MISSION PRIORITY IS AS FOLLOWS: 1.CONTAIN SPECIMEN. 2. OBSERVE SPECIMEN'S METHOD OF ATTACK & INFECTION. 3. QUARANTINE SPECIMEN & INFECTED CHIMNEY SWEEP UNTIL RELIEF ARRIVES. **CONTAINMENT & INFECTION ARE TOP PRIORITY IN GUARANTEEING RETRIEVAL. CONTAIN AT ALL COSTS. CREW EXPENDABLE... CREW EXPENDABLE... CREW EXPENDABLE... ... and so on... --Ya'll know the rest of this story. No need to go further. Look, in all seriousness, this has been increasingly, The Norm, for years now. It's only gonna get more and more severe, from now on, as we approach the singularity. ...And then it's gonna get REALLY fun, when we all got GOOGLE, informing our every move, 24/7, and the hackers begin hacking PEOPLE, to create instant stoolies for their dirty work, all Ghost In The Shell style, only not in a big, sexy action movie way, starring Sexy Robot Natasha Romanov. --It'll be more like the depressing, overcrowded, cybercrime-choked dystopia depicted in the anime where the cops got cybernetic legs to kick your ass with and the bad guys are watching through CC-TV from miles away, where they can conveniently MK-ULTRA the shit out of you and steer you like Super Mario with fire on his ass, right smack, bullseye, into that cop's great big, oversized replicant boot, all cause you opened up the side of your PC that time, and let all those little Van Dykes out before the big boys at AVAST could get their prize. --...You been talking to the little guys like they're real live little guys and stuff. You can't seem to keep yourself out of trouble, can you? ... but that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother time, Mr. Tuttle. --Look, I know I said "in all seriousness" already, but 'FOR REAL' dammit. It's easy to live in denial that you are one of the 50 million, but really... It doesn't matter. You're name and credentials have been shopped around the dark web by now. The odds are more stacked against that NOT being a fact. --Run your passwords through this checker. It's a trustworthy site, but whatever. Don't trust me. Go ahead and choose NOW to get all serious about this crap they been telling us would happen since the early 90's. Good on you, Standing Tall. Dab on them haters. ...and while you're at it, change EVERY bit of information you have online that you still need to own for yourself, ...and learn how to set up dual authentication... on everything. I'm talking, your stupid Angry Birds game you still play on your old, broken Galaxy 2. ...and when you're done, take your old passwords that can't hurt you anymore and run 'em through this site. ...I'd be shocked if you don't got just ONE of 'em that's been foolin' around behind your back, hoe-in' on the bad part of the internet and swingin' off some terrorists's big, muscular arms, helping to fund his crusade, and whispering in his ear about how boring you are in comparison. Peace... or the extreme lack there-of, Motoko Kusanagi (wz3d) https://haveibeenpwned.com/Passwords












