Èat My Ass

Christine | | Larry

[darlingofdots]

people who definitely know that Hollander and/or Rozanov have A Thing With A Man (of variably certain identity):

various dentists

hotel housekeeping staff

the kid who works late shifts at the drugstore where Ilya buys condoms (often) and lube (less often)

cleaners and laundry service employees

a kid on vacation with his parents in Vegas bored out of his mind because he's 14 and not allowed in the bars or casinos at their hotel and he's really hitting the grumpy teenager phase so he's pissed at his parents because he wanted to go birdwatching in the desert and instead he's on the hotel roof at night pointing his sick-ass binoculars (which he bought himself with money he earned by mowing their neighbours' lawns for a year) at the surrounding buildings and oh look there's two people making out on that rooftop terrace—wait, isn't that the guy from the Rolex ads?

Janice at the grocery store closest to the Hollander cottages who knows damn well that "David's boy" doesn't eat Nutella

the Voyageurs' nutritionist knows Hollander is fucking someone working for the Bears because he might not log it as sex but even Hollander doesn't actually do extra cardio after a game

employee at an airport phone repair kiosk in Chicago who was checking Ilya’s battery specs when "Jane" texted him "If I win you suck my dick first"

one of the parents at Game Changers Hockey Camp who is a couple's counsellor and a bit too good at her job

Gerry (78) three doors down from the Hollanders who has lived in his house since he was born and has made it his solemn duty to know everything that goes on in his neighbourhood

the owner of the bespoke jeweller's shop once Shane Hollander purchases the second ring, which is identical to the first, and a plain gold chain

the apprentice of the bespoke jeweller's shop a week before that when he recognises the ring he watched his boss make for Shane Hollander sitting on Ilya Rozanov's bare chest in a post-game interview on TV

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[binkythegeek]

I will add that he contracts Yuna and Svetlana to do research on players and coaches. They get so good that the league starts requiring that he sign contracts saying he will never acquire ownership of any teams. And when teams sign him on they MUST agree to sensitivity training before he even starts his evaluations.

[lavenderprose]

The thing about Hollanov is that they are constantly having nasty mean sex and Shane is like, yeah. That’s great that’s normal. As long as they kiss Shane is like Okay :) Yay :) Thanks Rozanov, see you in a few months. Stands up straightens his clothes and walks out the door and that’s it. Somewhere behind him Ilya is staring at the ceiling. Reeling.

Then they go to that god forsaken cottage and they have the kind of face-to-face under the blankets condomless sex that even the Pope couldn’t disapprove of and Shane is crying. Gnashing his teeth. Losing his fucking mind. The emotional release is fucking agony. Ilya says you are perfect you are beautiful and you are MINE and Shane almost safewords. Ilya says I’m making love to you do you like it do you like it when I make love to you and the bedsheets are tangled around Shane’s ankles and he feels like he’s going to die. Ilya says Shane Shane Shane and to Shane it’s the most perverted thing he has ever fucking done.

[gaynehollander]

I'm actually not done talking about Shane playing Never Have I Ever. On several occasions one of the Centaurs says something Shane's never heard of before, and when he asks what it is Ilya shakes his head and says, "just drink."

[scunthotter]

So as much as Ilya likes being domesticated, I cannot believe that man has given up clubbing. He's been a little clubrat since he was able to get in the door of Moscow clubs at way too young of age.

Ottawa has a fuckass nightlife but whenever they're in a city with good clubs Ilya goes out and drinks and dances and at the end of the night (the agreed upon negotiated time) Shane shows up and Ilya "picks him up" then they go back to the hotel for nasty hook up sex.

For Ilya this feels like having his cake and eating it too. He gets to be his sleazy clubrat self, then he gets to take home the hottest man in the club and have nasty sex with him, then he gets to end the night snuggled up in his husband's arms.

[penandinkprincess]

okay but hudson saying that it didn't show up in the frame of the shot but that when ilya brought up marrying svetlana during the couch scene he made the choice to have shane pull his legs up some because he couldn't imagine ever wanting to touch feet with someone he's mad at makes me laugh imagining it being an ongoing tell when ilya's getting himself in trouble

they're unwinding for the day together just casually playing footsie while doing their own thing on either end of the couch and then ilya just says something in passing without thinking about it, feels shane go very still, and looks up to see shane make eye contact and slooooowly start pulling his feet away

and ilya just starts sweating

[aspiringvestwearer]

I’m really not convinced Shane Hollander, bottom of all time, will chafe in the slightest to having his husband be his captain. what’s that? you get to relinquish responsibility to your dominant partner & continue playing the game you love with the love of your life? that really does something for you? oh I’m sure.

that being said it’s a complete toss up whether experiencing his first Ilya Rozanov pre-game hype-up speech will imbue him with the adrenaline and physical strength of a mother lifting a car off her child or make him so horny he blacks out a little and has to put his head between his knees before getting on the ice. jury’s still out.

[deja-b00]

it’s their first season playing together and a video goes around of ilya calling shane sweetheart on the ice. it sparks a dumb controversy where people are calling them unprofessional and speculating that their teammates are uncomfortable having a couple on the team.

cut to their next game where the centaurs have assigned each of their players their own unhinged pet name. bood is big daddy. hayes: snookums. troy is doll face. luca is obviously baby boy.

when asked about it in a press conference, coach weibe is just like, "every player in hockey gets a nickname or two. the centaurs are just a little more creative than most teams. why, is it making people uncomfortable?"

[ejgto]

[late-dawnz-early-sunsets]

what the fuck man you cant do that

[themoonandmyman]

listen. listen I know they’re all muscular stereotypically attractive dudes. but it is important to me when Relaxed Tummy.

[sheisraging]

it was foretold

[aphantasias]

sexually inexperienced shane assuming he & ilya's incredibly romantic sex is probably totally normal and he's just particularly bad at handling hookups while an extremely sexually fluent ilya privately and repeatedly spirals over how Not Casual their sex is and how little control he has over it. poetry

[wlwarhammer]

A lot of people ignore the absolutely radioactive levels of frat boy coming from Shane Hollander because it’s inconvenient to their hyper feminized bottom stereotyping

[aheartofgold]

OH when Shane says "we just want a future" you HAVE to look at Ilya's face, he gets this tiny smile that goes all the way to his eyes and you KNOW it's the first time he has ever ever heard himself and Shane referred to as "we" and he's losing it

[normal-about-hollanov]

ilya makes a joke about getting shane pregnant ONCE and shane gets himself SO completely worked up because 'oh NO not ME ruin MY fucking hockey career? so you can DOMESTICATE me? you know what pregnancy even DOES to a person's body? I might never be able to play AGAIN you are NOT going to make me give up my DREAMS' his rant lasts a full ten minutes until ilya coaxes him back to bed n promises he will not knock him up until they retire then. its not until morning shane rubs the sleep from his eyes and remembers he can not. in fact. get pregnant. ilya valiantly only makes fun of him a little. (or a little by ilyas standards. at least.)

[mrlovenstein]

Secret Panel HERE 🍪 tapas.io/episode/3749362

[casualhollanov]

ilya "it's just a plan to fuck" rozanov vs. shane "Time to buy an entire house at 19 years old for the sole purpose of getting fucked within an inch of my life by my arch rival because I'm a screamer and I'm scared Scott Hunter will hear me and personally manifest into the bedroom" hollander