This letter was requested: how do you stop yourself from calling your trans friends by their old name and pronouns?
Well, luckily, it’s mostly a question of practice! It’s kinda like writing dates after the new year just started: at first you need to consciously remind yourself to write the right year but the more you do it, the more it feels natural and effortless.
There are a few practical pieces of advice I can give you on how to practice using the name, pronouns and gendered terms (such as sibling/sister/brother) that properly describe your friend - but before we get into that, let’s talk mindset. Assuming the situation is not „They came out to me 3 days ago and I’m not used to it yet because it’s literally brand new“ but rather „They have been out for a while and I still slip up“, subconscious mindset is often where the root of the issue lies.
… and I know that me saying that might immediately provoke some feeling of defiance in some people, in a „No, they are my friends! I love and respect them, I’m not transphobic!“ way. So let me be clear: I’m not accusing you of purposefully hurting your friends, of having a cruel mind, or anything like that. There are just some misconceptions and unspoken assumptions that you may have without even being aware of it that may make it unnecessarily hard for you and your friend:
do you internally frame gendering your friends correctly as you „being nice“ or „doing a favor“ to your friends?
do you still think of their old names and pronouns as their „real“ ones?
Do you catch yourself thinking of transition as „they’re pretending to be a different gender now“?
do you find yourself thinking that it’s „too hard“ or „unfair“ of them to expect you to change the way you talk about/to them?
do you find yourself thinking „They can just correct me“?
While these thoughts may not be ill-intended, they can be hindering: it keeps gendering your friends correctly optional. It keeps it something you can do rather than something you do.
The good thing is that you can counter these quiet, subconscious thoughts with loud, conscious reminders:
You are already capable of switching up the way you talk to or about others. You have already encountered situations where you had to do that: someone getting married, divorced, becoming a parent, getting a new job, getting promoted, even just getting older (growing out of a childhood nickname etc.)… many changes in life can come with new terminology to use. This is just a part of life. Your friends are not demanding anything extraordinary from you here.
This is not optional to your friend. This is also likely not easy for your friend. Trans people are not playing pretend as a different gender, they genuinely are the gender they say they are; they just have a harder time being seen for their real self. We don’t need to get into „being trans is all pain and suffering“ here (it isn’t!) but remember that you’re not the one carrying the heavier burden here. Words are not „just words“: repeatedly being addressed the wrong way feels disrespectful and even painful. Each mistake can be a reminder that they’re not seen or taken seriously for who they really are.
Keep in mind that it can also be a safety issue. If you misgender your friend in public, you may put them into situations where they need to come out or explain themselves to people they didn’t plan to have that conversation with. It can invoke invasive questions, discourage others from gendering your friend correctly (in a „if even their friends still use their old name, it’s probably not a big deal“ way) or even expose them to harassment or bullying… , which can all add a lot more stress to your friend‘s life.
Be aware that constantly correcting you is additional stress for them, too. It puts them into awkward situations: they need to detail conversations, they need to interrupt, they need to bring up their gender again and again when they really just want to have a normal conversation with you. Having to do that in public also comes with all the issues mentioned above.
Gendering trans people correctly is suicide prevention. This isn’t me making any wild assumptions about your friends or armchair-diagnosing them, it’s just a statistical fact. Trans people have a higher suicide risk (among the highest of all population groups), but it drastically drops when they’re continuously treated as the gender they identify as. Next to dramatically improving mental health, being gendered correctly may even reduce physical health risks or improve health outcomes (such as in diabetes or HIV care). A more complex topic than we can accurately summarize here but: Happy people who are not in a constant state of stress take better care of their health. Happy people are more motivated to stay alive.
Now let’s get into the practical stuff: it really boils down to „practice, practice, practice“. No amount of theoretically knowing that it’s important to gender your friends correctly will do any good, if you’re not actually actively practicing that. You need to actually say their name and use their pronouns for it to ever become an effortless habit. So, some things that can help:
Don’t use any „shortcuts“ (such as „I’ll avoid names altogether and just call you buddy“). While that may feel like a smart hack, it really only postpones you learning their name and makes it harder for you in the long-run.
Change their name everywhere: If you got them saved in your phone, on social media, in apps etc. as their old name, change it right away. Even if they would never see it, you will! The more you see the new name, the easier it’ll be for you to use it.
Practice your most told stories. Is there a specific memory with them that you often talk about? Is there a funny story about them that has become a running joke? Practice them with their correct name and pronouns (even if the event happened before they came out! You’re remembering the same person, just using the correct language.)
Use the correct name and pronouns even when they’re not around. That’s not just basic respect and a safety measure, it’ll also make it easier for you: you don’t have to remember to say the right words in front of them if you say them behind their back too.
Notice the situations you slip up in. If there’s a certain situation where it happens the most (talking about childhood memories etc.), set aside some minutes to consciously practice some typical sentences for those moments.
Just take a second. Sometimes that’s all it takes: before you address your friend or tell a story about them, just take that one extra second to remind yourself to use the right words.
