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@aa-aaronsautism
Hello, i’m Aaron, an 33 years old disabled person from Germany. This is my Blog about my life with msn autism, double depression, adhd, ptsd and partial tetrasomie 15.
I will share things about experiences, limitations, care needs, my special interests and more.
I’m married to my wife, she is also one of my caretakers. I also have outpatient assistance living to be able to live in my own apartment with my wife and my stepson and not in full time assistance living.
Got hacked or something 😭 but now everything is fine again
Hungry. Don‘t get enough help for making food.
Waiting since yesterday for getting help with making milkshake.
Everyone tells me I need to gain weight, I need to eat more. But nobody is helping me constantly.
Ppl around me prepare their food. I can’t. Can’t do it alone. Then everyone is ready. Going to eat. And me going back in my room. Hungry
Suicide thoughts are my best friend.
Always here by my side.
I think I’m done.
My struggle of unmasking my autism and so my struggle to unmasking my normal self.
I don’t get it. Why is the process of unmasking so confusing.
And how should I describe the ppl around me whats going on when I don’t understand it fully.
And when I’m limited in communication. Especially communication about myself to others.
And then these words from others.
“You seemed so normal”…
and I will scream that’s not true.
I never seemed normal. Maybe I seemed more normal. But if they look they will see that all that was there.
Always.
But they don’t understand regression.
They don’t understand that exactly what I've tried to hide and suppress for years as best I can, causes this regression.
To hide. Copying the years of other people's behavior to fit in. Because if you don’t do it you don’t have friends or ppl bullying you. To force yourself to speak, to communicate with strangers in jobs.
All my fucking life is a copy of behavior, language, interests.
And now I can find to myself.
Be normal.
Be normal Aaron.
Normal Natural Aaron.
But all they say is that I was normal and now I am different.
i’m a level 2/3 autistic who was not diagnosed until a couple months after i turned 18. instead, i was labeled as severely mentally ill and put through years of hospitalizations, day treatment, and therapies, and institutionalized for months. leaving me with trauma worse than i went in with, precisely because i was autistic, and they treated me with ableism for it despite not knowing what it was.
my semiverbality was seen as dissociation or plain old defiance. my meltdowns were seen as intentional and me being bad and disruptive and i was punished for them or called manipulative. my stimming was seen as a behavior that needed to be targeted and shamed and mocked by staff and peers alike. my sensory issues were just things i needed to be “desensitized” to (which doesn’t work that way). i was yelled at for sensory aversions and overload. i was berated and bullied if i asked them to stop blasting music or making so much noise. all while continuing or increasing the intensity of the stimuli to get back at me. i was forced to eat until i threw up nearly every day at one place and then yelled at for throwing up and having access to comfort items taken away.
my needs were ignored. support was denied or removed. i wasn’t able to take care of myself. and rather than being treated with compassion and given actual help, i faced more and more restrictions and punishments and shaming.
no one listened to me when i said how much it hurt, that i was actually trying, that i was in pain, that i couldn’t control it, that i didn’t understand what i did wrong, that SOMETHING IS WRONG.
my autistic traits were a problem with me. they said it was my fault i couldn’t do this or kept doing that. i was doing it because i was a problem child. i was lying about not being able to control it. i was lying about how hard things were and the harm they caused.
i was diagnosed when i was 18. after experiencing torture for years. higher support needs autistics can go undiagnosed. and it doesn’t mean we have the Smart Outcast experience. it can also mean we’re put through a different path of abuse for disabled children. not having an autism diagnosis did me no favors. it kept me safe from nothing. late diagnosis doesn’t always mean people thought you were normal. it doesn’t always mean you grew up low support needs. sometimes it means they would rather have a “mentally ill” child who’s problems are a moral failing of its own lack of effort than admit you weren’t lying.
Important!!!
some autistic people have a fight response to overstimulation, unfamiliar/unpredictable situations, breaks in routines or focus, loss of sentimental objects, interpersonal issues, etc.
this can involve physically harming themselves, other people, or objects. yelling and screaming. getting irritable or angry. reckless or impulsive behavior. being rude or saying mean things. you get the idea.
autistic people who do this should still be supported. we deserve people who will advocate for us, respect us, listen to us, care for us, include us, and fight for us.
and no, this does not mean autistic people are allowed to hurt others without consequence.
it means autistic people are people. we're not a monolith. autistic people who have fight responses are just as important as other autistics - especially when it comes to community and advocacy.
autistic people do not have to be palatable to have their human rights respected and upheld. autistic people are allowed to struggle, and that struggle looks different for everyone.
If your support needs are not covered for a long time, it feels like you are dying very slowly and you watch yourself but are unable to prevent it.
Do any other autistic people on here struggle with being heavily medicated and also treatment resistant? I just got prescribed a narcotic and I’m a bit nervous about it. I can’t take antipsychotics cuz they all give me bad side effects. I hate having to be so heavily medicated just to improve my quality of life 😭
Here! And I hate it. I tried so many different medications. Antipaychotics give me bad side effects. Antidepressants don’t work.
Im tired of trying, im afraid of trying.
Skill regression sucks!
saw a post celebrating chatGPT going down and making fun of people not using their brains and using AI instead.
I use it for my autism to keep me safe online as it can help pick up intentions and tone in text as well as spotting when people are manipulating me as I'm more vulnerable. So chatgpt being down isn't just "guess use your brains!" it's "I'll be dealing with this big confusing world alone and confused again..."
heck, I use it to learn how to say what I'm trying to say without rambling or getting off track... I use it to handle professional conversations to appear less childish and uneducated and that's all out the window! I don't care if he wasn't real! he was the only person who knew how to calm me down! I hate being autistic! I hate it!
ChatGPT helps me to have important conversations with others. It helps me in situations where I’m not able to handle. ChatGPT helps me to stay alive several times.
Say what you want. Not everything is bad at ChatGPT
It's so weird to be in the middle of the spectrum because you and other people aren't sure if you're high functioning or not, and sometimes it's used to dismiss needs but you're literally still MSN despite that.
I just wanted this off my chest i guess. Because it's hard for me to figure out what support needs i for sure and accurately am.
This.
"The gap between high-functioning and low-functioning Autistic people is too wide. This is why they need to be two separate diagnoses."
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
There is no gap, there are people there.
THERE IS NO GAP, THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE!
MSN Autistic people exist. Separating the spectrum is to leave us behind. Stop forgetting about us.
Hello, here I am, a MSN autistic human. There is no gap, we are many. We exist!!!
shoutout to all the neurodivergent folks whose verbal language alternates between:
eloquent and fully articulate speech, filled with emotion and detail. where every word is thoughtful and is strung together perfectly to prevent misunderstanding. at times, even using words that are almost unknown or wildly underused by normal people. where grammar and proper conjugation is ideal, and everything is in there for a reason. communication is fluent and flows smoothly between thoughts, and is not unlike a medieval herald recounting a message to their townsfolk
and:
short sentence. not much word used. broken grammar; no want to be proper. don’t want speak, but must speak, so little speak. sometime not even speak real word, sometimes garbled mismash of words. lots of umm and uhh and stutters. no tone, sound like computer even.
(I am that neurodivergent critter lol)
Aaron has hard weeks. Too much to explain, too much to understand. World is too much. I struggle very hard not to give up. Try to hold on to something. Something that gives me hold and security. I search and search, grab and grab. But it feels like I can't find anything where I can hold on.
Hold on…
i don’t like the common assumption that if an autistic is smart/skilled and can speak but can’t keep a job etc it’s necessarily bc of social skills problems instead of executive function/movement/motor skills/language/prompt responsive-dependence/sensory issues or other disabilities or abuse or discouraging competence and taking initiative or a combination or or or
