@theartofmadeline
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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Claire Keane
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$LAYYYTER
KIROKAZE
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NASA
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Discoholic 🪩
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@alanlanded
Top Surgery Recovery
I got top surgery on the 10th, and the recovery process is going well! I'm so close to getting my drains out and despite the pain I'm totally thrilled to finally have a flat chest :3 I wish it didn't cost so much but other than that i'm totally pleased.
vent about it
I have this friend who didn't start hitting on me until I was 21, after knowing me for a year or two. I thought this was because it got to know me and began to truly appreciate me for who I am. Instead, it told me that it only started hitting on me because it had been waiting for me to turn 21 like some sort of creep. It was waiting for a socially acceptable age for it to start hitting on me. I feel so gross and used. We never even had sex, it would dangle the idea in front of me and toy with me before saying, "I don't want to ruin our friendship," all the while it's literally doing everything it can to ruin our friendship by doing basically everything but having a sexual relationship with me. I'm so confused about the whole thing. It is constantly sexualizing me in our friendship and only really pays attention to me when I'm sexualizing myself. I hate myself for ever thinking that this friendship was healthy. I hate myself for thinking things could ever become more.
Forgetting children.
My dad listens to the new neighbors across the street. Their children play loudly in their backyard, out of sight. "Those kids are always crying," my dad says to no one. I think he has forgotten the sound of play. He no longer remembers the feeling of a scraped knee or the joys that come with the freedom of movement. He sits in his home office and listens patiently for their laughter and screaming to wane.
Sometimes I feel as if he lives alone in a house of four people.
Top Surgery
I'm going to have to tell my dad that I will be getting top surgery. The day just keeps getting closer, and I can feel it closing in on me. I have never been so excited and so terrified at the same time. My father and I have a very confusing and troubled relationship, and I can't help but think that this could push things over the edge. I worry that he might become hostile or try kicking me out of the house. I have an escape plan, and I have friends who care about me who can help. I'm just so scared.
Update: my mom says she will talk to him for me, telling him I'm getting a breast reduction. Thanks mom :3
Top Surgery
I'm going to have to tell my dad that I will be getting top surgery. The day just keeps getting closer, and I can feel it closing in on me. I have never been so excited and so terrified at the same time. My father and I have a very confusing and troubled relationship, and I can't help but think that this could push things over the edge. I worry that he might become hostile or try kicking me out of the house. I have an escape plan, and I have friends who care about me who can help. I'm just so scared.
life stuff
I know I haven't posted on here in a while since the semester has ended. I should probably keep up on here because I've had a lot more time to sit in my own thoughts and ill need someone to subject them to (jk kinda).
I am really grateful for the people here who have left such supportive words during a really hard point in my life, I want all of yall to know it means the world.
In positive news, I have a lot to look forward to! My birthday is coming up, and so is my top surgery appointment! I have also made a few new friends and reconnected with old ones, so I am feeling very connected to my community.
Thank you!!
Alan :3
THEY BROKE UP!!!!
MY BEST FRIEND AND THE PERSON WHO COERCED ME ARE NO LONGER DATING!!!!!! IT IS A TIME OF JOY AND HEALING!!!!!!
I've been having some important conversations with my best friend about how much it hurt me when she started dating this person after learning about what she did to me. I think it's helped a bit, especially when I remembered just how manipulative this person could be. It just hurts knowing that my best friend could hold me as I cried and then turn around and love the person who took away my agency. It was always a "miscommunication" between "both parties " and never what it actually was.
I feel like I still have a long way to go to rebuild our relationship. I wish love was easier.
No more sex with cis people
I'm considering no longer sleeping with cisgender people outside of my sex work. I've been feeling this for a while, and I think it has something to do with how cis and trans people view the body differently. I know that a transgender person knows to some extent how existing in my body can hurt, and I feel like there is a tenderness that comes from those shared feelings that a cisgender person can never understand. Especially with cisgender men. I also feel as if my trauma related to sex, particularly with cisgender men, has ultimately shifted the way I view and experience sex. This isn't an attack on cisgender people at all, but I feel like I've never had a fulfilling sexual experience with someone who isn't trans. This isn't to say that I haven't had good experiences with cis people and absolutely horrible experiences with trans people. I just no longer have the desire to share my body with someone who does not understand my experiences. I hope this makes sense.
How it feels talking to my transphobic, perverted father, knowing full well that I'll be getting top surgery in June.
Another piece of the puzzle (TW Sexual Harassment)
When I was about 15, my father watched me change from a crack in my bedroom door. My parents still had a "no fully closed doors" policy. I looked up and saw my fathers wide eyes peering through the darkness at me. "Hello," he spoke the first and last word between us.
A year later, my brother flashed me as I was trying to get to my room. He held his arms wide to block my path. I screamed and cried, and he looked at me like I had just ruined a fun game he came up with. I yelled at him and ran to my room. My father comforted my brother. He was almost 20.
I am 21 now, and I can't get it out of my head. I still live with these people as I cannot afford to live on my own. The man who sexually harassed me is paying for my college and providing me with a home. I wish it was so easy to leave. I wish it wasn't so hard to look at my mom, knowing I didn't tell her all these years.
I'm sorry if I messed up the ages and the time of month in which these took place. Every year it gets harder and harder to remember, but I know these bones won't forgive.
bad feelings
I hate how much of my life is spent remembering the people who have hurt me in ways I don't care to mention. I hate opening up to people about it and having them see me completely differently because I do sex work. I feel like once I bring up that piece of the puzzle, people stop taking me seriously when I talk about my experiences. It's as if I somehow brought violence upon myself by the nature of my work, like men are some kind of animals that cannot be controlled and shouldn't be trusted. It's a horrible feeling.
Top surgery
While I am still wrapped up in joy and positivity, I want to gush about how happy I am that top surgery is finally happening for me. Ever since I was 15 dysphoria was all consuming, especially regarding my chest. I wish I could tell him that It'll all come together in the end. There is hope.
Alan.
THEY BROKE UP!!!!
MY BEST FRIEND AND THE PERSON WHO COERCED ME ARE NO LONGER DATING!!!!!! IT IS A TIME OF JOY AND HEALING!!!!!!
Anxious
I hate that I let people have so much power over me. Even her absence is overwhelming.
It hurts so much more when it's somebody I trusted.
goodnight everyone,
Alan.
I wish forgiving people was easier.
I would just put everything in the past and let all the bad stuff wash right over me. It wouldn't matter to me anymore. I wish people didn't keep doing stuff to me.
When will they learn that I don't like that stuff.
Alan.
I can't do it (tw! sa, sh)
Recently I was coerced into sex by a friend who is now dating my best friend. I have told the both parties what happened and they are still together. I don't think I am handling the situation well at all. I keep getting this urge to slip back into really destructive habits when I've been clean for a long time now. I just feel so hurt and abandoned by my best friend in the whole world.
Deep down I feel like this is my fault. I told her over text about stuff I wanted to do with her and I wasn't persistent enough when I told her no. I feel like such a dumb whore.
alan.
Happy I think
Two days ago I was inducted to an honors society that is very prestigious and fancy, which I mostly did for my mom because she seemed so excited when I got that email inviting me. The initiation ceremony was the first time I can ever remember her using my chosen name in its entirety. She called me Alan, not Al, not "child." she told the chapter president how proud she was of Alan, of me. If fifteen year old me knew that it would take until my junior year of college for my mother to name me correctly I would've cried, but today I smile.
best,
Alan