All Her Scribbles

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Think Like a Queen & Regain your Self-Respect

Many people go about life being trotted on by domineering personalities. I used to be one of these people, being tossed one way and the other and never thought to prioritise myself (mentally, emotionally) because I was being socially dominated in situations since I never held the belief that I am worth more than the way I am being treated highly enough.

So how does a Queen think? 

Queens are neutral characters; they are virtuous, diplomatic and forgiving. When we talk about forgiving in the mind of the Queen, these are things that we intuitively see as genuine mistakes and not something acted out with vicious intention. We forgive and forget but only to a point where it shows strength & kindness and not weakness. This of course takes discipline. 

How will people respect me? 

People respect you when you start having respect for yourself and also voicing it in a way that is worthy for this respect. If you want something, the worst way to go about it is kicking and screaming. If you want something say it in complete black and white and leave it at that --- nothing more or less. Remove those words from any trail of passive aggressiveness and you will have your voice as your weapon to command peoples attention. 

How do I make it clear with what I want? 

I find it amusing that people attempt showing emotional distress through anguish or passive aggressive tones, thinking: “this will show them!” or think this it will achieve something. Passive aggressiveness is always interpreted as emotional weakness. People only allow themselves to respond acceptingly towards things that are kind and reasonable to their heart and mind. You will always appeal to them if you use patience in your tone. Never overstep the boundaries and think you can test someones patience. Doing it once might be given a pass but a second time might leave a bad impression  

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Biological Perspective: What Men Dislike in Relationships

1. Being told what to do

This is also the same with being controlled. Men like to feel masculine and nothing you do will help them overcome the need to stand tall and independent. I see a lot of women corrode their relationships having the expectations of their partner to be all kinds of things. They seem to think that they are entitled to a partner that does all these things for them. But a relationship isn’t about one person living to the others high expectations (often too idealistic), it’s about allowing them to feel free and be themselves. The expectations you have of them doesn’t make them feel who they really are and this will make them possibly start resenting you for it. Also by being controlling, you’re making them feel inadequate in their ability to provide for you. When you ask for less they start to believe you deserve more. It’s nothing against you, it’s just how their male’s mind works.

2. Neediness and dependency 

You might enjoy the temporary feeling of your partner responding to you within 5 minutes but what do those 5 minutes of no reply amount to when you compare it to the frustration it causes for your busy partner? Have you ever heard of the rubber band theory? Because it’s true as anything. A lot of people often turn a blind eye to it because they enjoy the selfish satisfaction of having it all and being praised for immediately. No matter how much a partner loves you, everyone requires space to be with themselves and their own thoughts and how long that may be is not to do with how much they care for you but how they are. 

3. When they refuse to partake in things he enjoys 

When you do this, you’re essentially creating a barrier between you and him. If you don’t vibe with him on his lifestyle choices maybe its an incompatibility. Unless you’re willing to accept and compromise, there are no chances of this working out. Lifestyle incompatibility is the number one thing that separates partners. It is also very unattractive to him, because his values are ingrained into the things he enjoys doing. If he likes to hang out with his friends at the pub it’s not because he enjoys drinking but he enjoys the entertainment of drinking and conversing with friends. 

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Attracting Someone you Just Met

This skill doesn’t come so easily, it’s so easy to go on the internet and find ways to attract someone but so many advice are often geared towards two people that already has attraction for each other. So I guess the title of this post should really be ‘How to Charm People’. 

1. Don’t be Uptight, let yourself loose

Be the best version of yourself. It’s easy to get carried away with the formalities and nerves on a first date. But if all your friends like you for your funny and carefree nature, then your date will be thrilled to see the better side of you first. This doesn’t mean you get to fart on the first date. What I am trying to say is be spontaneous with the things you say and do. Be playful and carefree. Confidence is intoxicating.

2. Also be mysterious

Do you have a curious interest in something? Talk about it. This really gives the other person perspective on the depth of your character. Kind of like “I have more to offer you, but you don’t know all of them yet”. The intellectual types find this very thrilling.

3. Skip the small talk 

People often revert to small talk if they are testing out the waters on how the other person is like. If you want to get to know them and really get to the bottom of it all and make the person feel understood. Make sure the person is comfortable in opening up towards you, this doesn’t mean making them feel like they are at a job interview. 

4. Do not play hard to get 

If you’re trying to play hard to get with someone you just met and have no idea whether if they have any sort of attraction towards you, I guarantee you are doing it wrong. You’re essentially not allowing the person to create any bond or attraction towards you. Interest is not the same attraction. You’ve got the persons interest, now keep up with the communication and playfulness. You save the playing hard part for later when they are attracted to you. 

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“The No Contact Rule Doesn’t Work!”

So you’ve reached your breaking point, you’re anxious and delirious and you just saw your ex friended a new “girl” or “guy” on Facebook or has liked that persons photos. Your initial reaction is “he is starting to move on” and you need to make contact immediately before they really do move on. This cannot be further from the truth, what’s happening is that you are acting on your anxieties and that will only push the person further away. Unfortunately for the person they are trying to pursue, they are very likely to be a rebound, especially if your relationship was a long or a passionate one. Their feelings for you will still be there, buried deep in their hearts but their heart right now isn’t open to accepting you back. 

Acting on your anxiety will only help how you feel in that moment but won’t help you get your ex back. Every ex will come back at some point especially if you stuck to the no contact rule diligently. You might be crushed by the aching feeling of needing them back and the hope of them returning. But when you start acting like it didn’t bother you and you were able to maintain no contact with them for a few weeks or months. Their anxiety will grow, they will start thinking “I think I lost someone pretty special” or “I expected them to chase after me more”. This anxiety is something you need to play on and is essential on creating attraction and desire. 

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Hidden Things that Controls your Life for the Worse

Most people don’t realise they are letting stress control their lives until things start to set them back. It is hard to navigate these waters until someone close to you is lost forever because of your behaviour. But don’t worry, it really isn’t us but the external stressors we fail to realise because we are so consumed by the behaviours of others. There are a few tricks i’ve learnt on how to control these emotions and even some things you didn’t realise for yourself that could be causing you to react angrily. 

1. Behaviours we don’t agree with

They really stress us out, it might be because we hear someone bad mouth another or constantly put another person down. We get angry but feel like we have no control. But we really do have control over this. If you do nothing about this you are in fact subconsciously agreeing to yourself that this behaviour is OK, therefore it will become internalised. But to avoid internalising other peoples behaviours you need to be actively voicing your disagreement to the other person that their behaviour is wrong. This way, you’re consciously agreeing to yourself this behaviour is wrong, and the more passionately you feel it when you voice your disagreement, the stronger your resolve becomes. Another strategy on handling is, is to acknowledge how wrong their behaviour is and when you are also faced with something similar, reflect on the person you want to be. Do you want to react poorly and face losing the persons respect for you? In these situations it is also important to know who you are. You are not an angry person, you’re simply stressed. Be strong knowing who you are. Don’t let other peoples behaviours influence your own. 

2. News sensationalism

One way I started to avoid feeding into the sensationalism of news is to avoid less reading time on the internet and more reading time with newspapers. This is because most headlines on the internet are formulated to be clickbait articles and the people who respond to these posts are also feeding into the sensationalism and the false sense of outrage of the news content while the others chant along. It’s easy to feed into these news sensationalism because that’s the job of the journalist; to create upset, fear and anger. If you spend too much time on your newsfeed on Facebook. I’m afraid you might not be immune to this either. We often get carried away with ourselves, and react in great urgency when we read upsetting news of “Donald Trump Declares Nuclear War”. So my strategy is to avoid too much time on the internet, spend less time scrolling through clickbait articles and unsubscribe to online news outlets. 

3. Spending too much time doing one thing 

An example of this is spending too much time sending instant messages online or being consumed with the life you have on the internet. This causes hyper-attention to detail and often cause a lot of unnecessary upset. When your life is lived through the messages, you depend on a lot of the minuscule details you have at your disposal, such as: last read, who’s active, ____ liked ____ photo. When in reality these little details are completely meaningless and what does 30 minutes or even an hour of no reply even mean? It could mean that this person has a life and they aren’t consumed with the life they have on the internet like you do. 

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Who Are my Friends?

With our hectic schedules it is easy to disregard small talk with your friends or even avoid meeting them for a while because you feel stressed with your work load. TBH, feeling stressed and burnt out by work should really mean that you need to take time away from your work and start reconnecting with your friends. For a long time I did not realise my friendship I offered others was being taken for granted. Conversations started with a “Can you help me...” or “Please do me a favour?” and never was there ever a “Hello” or “How have you been?”. These are the friendships I realised were taking me for granted. For strong friendships to manifest you require much more than just “debating” or “communicating” on a topic you find interest in. It is also finding interest in the other person. 

I only came to realise this when I started to become more lonely and did not feel like I was being fulfilled despite having people ask me out and only to have it cancelled because they suddenly became busy. Nobody is ever really that busy. Life will always be busy, it may even get busier! The point i’m trying to draw here is that you need to start seeking out people who wants to make time for you and who wants to understand you and get you know you. People who wants to be your friend will make time for you. 

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Reasons why he Won’t Take you Back

1. You’re doing it wrong 

Love is selfless not selfish. If you really want him back, don’t promise things because you think it will get him back. Take his words seriously, he is leaving you for a reason and you either need to find it in yourself or the relationship where it went wrong and how to fix it. If you want the promise of a long-lasting relationship rather than temporary feeling of security, then this advice should be your priority. Taking space and time away can be massively advantageous for yourself and the relationship. The distance it creates between two people will cause reflection, even from the person that left you in the first place. So bottom line: give yourself some time to work on yourself and realise where you went wrong and solutions on how to fix it. Some self-help books: The Four Agreements and Makeup Don’t Break Up. 

2. His feelings for you are genuinely not there 

Another reason he might not take you back is because he genuinely doesn’t have any feelings for you anymore. This might be hard to decipher in the beginning of the break up, where the person leaving you might be resistant because they fear the pain they would have to go through again. He may also be resisting because he has some telling evidence that the relationship won’t go anywhere because of how it stands at that moment. But if the feelings were real and reciprocated, this man will contact you again or ask for a reconciliation within a few months if he feels that you’ve changed for the better. 

3. You didn’t give him enough time to miss you 

If the first thing you did after the break up was to try “win” him back for weeks without success, you are only guaranteeing that he will run away from you. We do feel a rush of urgency and “fight or flight” mode when our emotions consumes us after that initial breakup, but that is the wrong reaction to have if you want him back. The reason he wanted out was because he might have felt suffocated by the idea of being in a relationship with you because of the things that were going on. Rushing to get back too soon is not going to get him back. Distance and silence is the only tools you have to get him curious about you. This is especially effective if it was a long term relationship given that the relationship didn’t end because of lost feelings. 

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Layman’s Guide to Winning Your Ex Back

This isn’t a one size fits all guide but these are tips that have more of a positive chance of getting your Ex back rather than not. 

1. No Contact Rule 

21 days to 60 days of no contact and no silly posts that hints you’re still madly in love with them. No contact rule does not mean you cry into your pillow for 60 days straight until you are finally allowed to speak to him again. It means that during this time, you’re healing yourself from the shock of the break up to avoid bottled up anger in the future with that loved one. Also, during this time, you’re working on improving yourself. Don’t think this time means you’re only drinking your sorrows away every other night and partying it up. You occupy yourself with healthy distractions. Dita Von Teese says she took up horse riding and it worked in her favour because of how much attention that is required in that sport. Kate Middleton took up competitive boat racing, which required early morning wake ups for training. This not only proves to the person that you’re independent and capable of taking of yourself when you’re alone but it is extremely attractive trait to pick yourself up from the floor and push yourself to do more! This isn’t to say that these two women did it all to win back their ex but they did it for themselves, which is another reason why it made them so attractive.

*During the no contact time, when the person tries to contact you again, you need to hold off from responding back. If the person is already trying to contact you again, it shows that this person has grown curious of you and this curiosity will only deepen if you step away and resist! 

2. End on Friendly Terms

This will not only impress your partner it will also prove to your partner that you are a decent and mature person and it is something they can actually grow fond of. It is actually rare to find these days to find partners that can end on amicable terms. My boyfriend actually mentioned this once to me after our “short breakup”, commenting how impressed he was on how I handled the situation and he said that it is actually “rare”.

3. Don’t Make Him Jealous, Show Him how Happy you are 

This kind of draws back to the first point. Independent people who are capable of picking themselves up after a bad break up are very attractive! Making him jealous will only cause upset and anger and it is ultimately an amateur thing to do if you want to get back into a healthy relationship. What you need to do is show him how happy you are without them. This doesn’t mean posting a photo of you getting heavily drunk with the boys on a saturday night. Because that will only mean to them that you have resorted to destructive behaviours and this may lessen the chances of him making a reappearance into your life.  

4. Work on Yourself from the Inside and Out

It might be hard to bring yourself to go to the gym he once went with you or to eat healthily when all you can do is occupy yourself with thoughts about wanting him back. But once you display self-love and care, you can only achieve more. I mean think about it logically, when you are feeling good and looking good it reflects positively with other people.Therefore, when you are upset and angry over a loss which is also very understandable we resort to do things that won’t bring us any closer to getting our ex’s back! Wouldn’t it be nice to bump into your ex to see that you started to look after your skin and health and watch their jaw drop to the ground??? It will plant a seed into their mind that perhaps this time the relationship will be different. Not only will it attract that person but it will also attract other people which will only make you seem more desirable in their eyes!

5. Increase your standards of yourself

This could mean drinking more water, going outside more, being more social and making new friends! A bigger social circle means you are increasing your opportunities. Nowadays, physical evolution has been replaced by social evolution, we are all climbing the social ladder to become acquainted with confident and smart people. So having a bigger social circle will make you more attractive and it all starts with making small changes in your life. 

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Is a Second Chance Possible?

I am a firm believer that love isn’t selfish but I also believe in relationships that stands the test of time. What I mean by the former is, is that if your partner openly voices hurt and frustration over what you have done to them. The best thing to do is not to try “win them back”, with the promise of change. But instead, to let them go (for now). We all know the fragile time between breaking up and trying to move on causes a lot of volatile emotions. So this “promise of change”, is indeed a selfish one because we only use that phrase as a tool to win someone back but not really work on changing. Therefore even if you temporarily feel a sense of security again, it won’t last for long and you will re-enter into a toxic cycle again. 

The latter of what I mean by “relationships that stands the test of time”, is that all relationships are made up of challenges and difficulties. And there is never going to be a difficulty or challenge you will be happy about facing but for any relationship to survive, there must be trust, compromise and patience. Perhaps it was something that stirred a lot of anger in you for one moment that generated a string of negative thoughts and that completely clouded your judgment on the overall health of the relationship. It’s easier to say a relationship wasn’t meant to be rather than face those challenges head on. But if you want a relationship to last years, it’s something that you might have to get used to. Relationships are hard work but for good reason! After all, you were in a relationship because you love them. 

Second chances are possible but the reality some people refuse to swallow is that their own ego and pride stands in the way of them truly getting the person they want back. “Getting them back”, is an instant gratification, therefore, it is  selfish and will not help prolong the relationship. What you need to do is “work on yourself”. It’s a hard pill to swallow to think you may be the one that have wronged the other in the relationship but when you let that ego go and really work on getting the person back, you will soon realise the thing you need to do is to start re-building yourself from the inside out. See, it is hard work. 

What if someone has lost trust in you and is in disbelief of any change happening? This is actually a blessing in disguise. You need to think of this train of thought in their shoes. They lost trust in you and refuse to believe you will change because you have violated on your promise multiple times. It could be the little things or it could be something quite severe (if severe, you might want to disregard this point). Therefore, they might draw out a conclusion that you two may be “incompatible” or it could be you doing unattractive behaviours towards him that taints his image he has of you. When two people were together for a long time already, incompatibility isn’t the problem. It is actually personal issues you haven’t realised about yourself that needs to be resolved. Which, brings me back to “re-building yourself form the inside out”. When you give them the space they deserve and you start focusing on yourself to your on accord. This gives them a fresh perspective on you. It might not drive them back onto your doorstep, but it will definitely start removing that doubt they first had on you. 

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Getting Carried Away with A Relationship

In a relationship, you need to constantly reevaluate it and reflect on how you are. A lot of us get carried away with relationships, especially with long term relationships, we often forget about the nitty gritty of it. We start hurling mean words and demands to the other person, not because we mean it, but because we simply feel like it or just lost focus on the fragility of how a relationship can be. Perhaps the stress around you has really sunk in and you have no other outlets to go rant to so you just transfer the burden onto your partner. Of course we never mean to but it’s very easily looked over especially when we get carried away with ourselves and with the relationship. 

This is when you really need to step back at once and think to yourself, would you love the person you are for doing that? If the answer is no. Then you might have to make some serious changes to yourself or else you risk losing this person for life. 

One example of this is my relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend. He was amazing, non-judgmental, compassionate and empathetic. Although he wasn’t prince charming, I couldn’t care less because I vouch for a persons character over any sort of materialism. I got carried away with the relationship because I was experiencing stresses coming in from all directions but the problem was I didn’t know how to handle it. In my ex’s eyes, we were far  from being compatible and he overestimated the affection I required, when really, I was just dealing with small moments of crisis where I would transfer the burden of stress onto him. Of course, he suffered and I was regretful I was this way. Because I got carried away and didn’t know how to handle my stress. 

So this self-evaluation, which unfortunately occurred 2 weeks of no contact and many sleepless nights, allowed me to transform myself. To be stoic and face my problems head on instead of letting it slide, ignoring it and inevitably allowing others to be affected by it. 

Although, I have transformed completely and have felt shame from reflecting on who I was towards someone I loved and cared deeply for. It was too late, I have committed irreversible damage to my ex and his perspective of me. 

Smart people learn from mistakes, wise people learn from mistakes of others. I was the former. 

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You’re Not Mean, You’re Stressed

You have lots going on for you, no matter how small it is, it is affecting you. 

You may not know it but all this energy that you’ve collected from other people is really affecting how you spread your energy onto others. 

I don’t have an ideal family at all and I wouldn’t wish anyone to experience the upbringing like I have. Even as I became an adult, the aggressive tone and even the manipulative way my parents handled situations really had gotten to me. I knew it was affecting me but I didn’t know how it affected me.  Clearly, I never considered my family as role models and as close to role models as they were, they were examples of people I did not want to become. However, they still got to me. Their behaviours reverberated in how I treated other people, despite knowing this behaviour was the shining example of what I considered as ill-treatment and vile behaviour. 

I was embarrassed by how my family was, so I did not try explain myself, and even if I did it is ultimately my responsibility. I didn’t have a loving, nurturing or supportive parents. I was yelled at constantly and whenever I would try to convey that it did not made me feel good, I was blamed. 

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How to Heal a Broken Heart:

Nothing is worse than feeling the demise of a love relationship. You see the thing that you spent tirelessly building start rotting before your eyes. Why is this happening?, Where did it all go wrong? and What have I done wrong?. 

If the relationship has truly reached its expiration, and nothing can resuscitate it, the first thing you need to acquaint yourself with is self-love. Nothing is more important than self-love when you’re vulnerable and full of self-doubt. The second thing is occupy yourself with something that will distract you for hours on end. The burlesque queen, Dita, says she picked up on horse riding as a hobby after a heartbreak. The focus horse riding requires fully engages all your thoughts she says. 

Distractions drowns out all your sadness until it doesn’t move you anymore. 

Another thing to be weary of is your impulsiveness. When we are passively engaged in our emotional self, we resort to ‘system 1 thinking’, or the kind of thinking that makes you throw caution to the winds. Think a bank balance with -$1K... If you have the tendency to be drawn towards destructive behaviours when you’re emotionally vulnerable. Replace those destructive behaviours with other kinds of behaviours that will re-build on your self-confidence. Personally, after a heartbreak, I find it impossible to make myself anything positive without feeling like i’m on the verge of breaking into tears. This is because we are encumbered by a feeling of guilt. Self-talk instead. When facing your own destructive behaviours, your mental response should be: I need to seek a friend immediately or I need to go for a walk. You get the gist. It’s a temporary placement of a distraction to avoid any impulsive action.