A Small Part of Being Aro
So...I forgot it was aromantic visibility day. I got the date confused with aromantic awareness week in Feb. Oops. I was originally gonna write a fic or story or smth to celebrate, but I'm a slow writer so I wouldn't be able to finish that today. But I still wanted to share something. So I threw this rant together instead, based on my real life. It's not really a story. It's more just...a thing I've been feeling for a while.
I'm aromantic asexual. For me, that means I'm not interested in sex or romance. I'm reminded of this lack of interest nearly every day, because almost every part of our society is based around sex/romance. In little ways at least. It's in nearly all our media, fictional and real, from the TV shows you watch to the stories your parents tell you over dinner. You hear it in every song on the radio. It's a milestone, one that every person is expected to reach. People build their lives around sex and romance. It's to the point where a lot of them don't understand how you could live without it. To them, it's not a life at all.
I've always thought the obsession with sex was really annoying. Basically as soon as I was concious of it's existence, it frustrated me. But the emphasis on romance has always felt...a little different. To me. Maybe because I'm not repulsed by it? I don't know.
I think romance is cute. I don't think it's God's gift to humanity or whatever, but I like watching it happen to other people. I like shipping and romantic stories. It's nice to see my friends pair up and start dating. It's funny to mess with my sisters' partners and both my sisters about their dating lives. I don't think romance is bad. It's fine. I just don't want it.
But...that feeling is weird. Me not wanting it, it feels weird. Not bad weird. But weird.
It feels weird to not want romance, when so much of our society is based around it. Not even just to not have it, but to not WANT it. Most of the people I see who don't have romance, want romance, and are very loud about it. If someone doesn't want romance in fiction, it's almost always treated as a character flaw. If someone doesn't have romance in real life, they're met with sympathy or mockery, because they want it so bad. If someone doesn't want to date/get married then they're seen as a failure because they haven't reached the 'milestone' that everyone else has. It feels like almost everyone. I can't see myself in people who don't have romance, because unlike them, I don't want it. I don't WANT to want it.
I see all these people, longing for romance or celebrating that they finally have one, and I just feel like I'm on the opposite side of a glass wall because I'm completely neutral. I see romance, this thing that makes so many people so happy, and I just sit with the knowledge that it does absolutely nothing for me. I don't want it. I'm okay with that. But it feels weird to not want something that makes everyone so happy.
I like it when my sisters tell me about their love lives, but it feels weird. I listen to my older sister talk about marriage, dreamily imagining her future wedding. I watch my younger sister cry because she can't see her boyfriend for a few months. I want to support them. But I feel a little hollow because I'm so distracted by the fact that I can't understand their want. I mean, I get it logically, it makes them happy. But I'll never feel like them. I'll never want it. Ever. I don't even want to want it.
It's not a bad feeling. I'm happy as an aro. It just feels weird. And maybe a little lonely.