AndroQueen

Don’t call me ~ 28~

[kaylmao]

[valla-chan]

I fed your talkfruit to my messagepig sorry

[scoutsmoocrew]

This person needs to be arrested im going to cry

[sapper-in-the-wire-old]

How do you go through all the effort of setting up a sous vide to do this????

[swagforbirds]

never tell me that magic isnt real ever again when this is clear evidence of a person transmogrifing Meat into Wood

[thyrell]

i can transmogrify meat into wood by lookin at pictures of titties if ya get what im sayin

[weaselle]

hey, we all love tiddies here but this person has perpetrated a crime against nature and we need you stay focused

[wizardstan]

Just checking in, we all know this is a shitpost, right? Literally, obviously a joke? You cannot sous vide at 135c. At 100c we would call that "boiling". By the time water hits 135c it is steam.

[killhitleragain]

Oh, it does say 135c. 135f is the correct temperature for sous vide so my mind just skipped over that. TBF I can see someone who is stupid enough to microwave steak to "sear" it accidentally writing C instead of F so it could still be real.

[subaru-copilot]

im so sorry that you're doomed by the narrative but i really need you to answer my message on Microsoft Teams

[vivid-sector]

doomscrolling thru the weather app

[vixvigil]

it’s never a normal temperature anymore it’s always some fucking bullshit

[androqueen]

bro who is even real

[discolor3d]

The person I reblogged this from deserves to be happy.

[androqueen]

wtf is my life that i have a friend dropping by and i’m like oh don’t mind me im just boiling eggs

[mysticetes]

anthony fantano your end will be swift and merciless

[parkchanwoohoo]

No I think it's really great when a friend group of approximately twenty seven individuals spread out in the sidewalk as they walk so nobody has to walk behind the group. There's nothing better than when I'm trying to get home and I see the tableau of Jesus at the Last Supper gliding towards me like Jamiroquai in the Virtual Insanity music video and I have to decide who has the narrowest frame that I can shoulder-check my way past

[shetheyslain]

Dahling you simply must read this book! It’s all about this devious little caterpillar who simply gorges himself on all manner of divine things

[aropride]

[moveslikekeithrichards]

the role of the person in the passenger seat is not only navigator but secretary as well. you have to type up the drivers messages to random ladies on facebook about cbd cream & google whether that billy joel song was the theme song for that show or not

[moveslikekeithrichards]

you also have to provide a henchmans disdainful scowl at whoever the driver is flipping off in the target parking lot

[the-apocrypha]

other assorted roles may include

retrieval team for objects in the backseat

custodian of the parking garage tickets

"All clear my way"

en-route dining concierge

announcing "Horses!" when there are horses

[lynx-girl]

Don't forget the Tommy Gun

[help-my-ocs-breached-containmen]

You should never forget the Tommy Gun

[cognitohazardous]

fire was invented by the grain industry

[despazito]

sometimes an american will be talking to you and they start throwing around numbers like 70 or 90 when talking about the weather and you just have to smile and nod

[raccoonmilf]

When I was in grade school I used to send emails to biologists and zoologists asking them questions to get answers to include in school projects I was working on, and would cry when they did not respond because I thought I was stupid for thinking that some random kid would ever be deserving of a response from someone who does something as smart and cool and important as *checks notes* studies frog fungus.

Now, at 29, I’m lowkey having a panic attack because my academic email is filled with middle schoolers wanting me to answer their questions about pygmy raccoons and I keep putting off answering them because I’m so overwhelmed with all the other raccoon stuff I have to do.

Anyway, greatest apologies to any scientist I ever emailed as a child and also an adult.

[raccoonmilf]

I know your research is really important and I appreciate all you are doing but this is so fucking funny

[orcboxer]

my elf roommate: *smoking a caterpillar*

me: Are you fucking kidding me Larius I told you to do that outside, now it's gonna smell like ass in here all day

my elf roommate: *puffs a perfect ring of smoke* What Is A Day In A Life That Lasts Centuries?

me: not everybody lives as long as you dude. put that thing away

my elf roommate: That Is Not What Thy Mother Said

me: hilarious

my elf roommate: Hello