academic weapon turned burntout ff reader

[hollanovbiter]

i do think in the hollander-rozanov household, ilya does the majority of the cooking. you can tell in canon he loves to act of service shane and make him breakfast/protein shake/ special dinner etc.

but i do think that ilya is also the dishwasher. he’s touching all the gross chunks in the dirty water so shane doesn’t have to. and wiping the counters and emptying the dishwasher.

but i also think that ilya is the designated grocery shopper. he likes to go after practices and go to the hot bar for lunch, and then bring home everything for their meal plan dinner. shane goes directly home from the practice rink to do his cool down recovery routine while ilya is shopping

and then it’s 6 months into their marriage and living together full time, and shane realizes he hasn’t set foot in the kitchen since they got married. hasn’t touched a dish, done any of the chores

and then he has to have a conversation with ilya about how he doesn’t need to do all of the housework- shane is a grown adult and can do the dishes when ilya cooks.

but of course ilya has reservations because he still has trauma from his dad- feeling like he needs to prove his love and worth or else the other person will resent him. but you know me, i am lazy so

i don’t know that side of you at all hollander cooks and cleans one night and forces ilya to sit down every time he tries to help. he makes ilya go into the family room and stay away. when dinner’s ready shane finds ilya on the couch asleep, and tears up a little with love for him. his little trauma ridden boy who he loves so much and wants to care for but doesn’t always know how to

[acarelessmanscarefuldaughter]

Sometime after Hollanov are outed and Shane is traded to Ottawa, Harris decides to do a "two truths and a lie" video.

Ilya: "My eyes are brown, I'm the captain of the Ottawa Centaurs, and before we were boyfriends, Shane Hollander and I were in a 7-year situationship."

And at first the comments on the video are all like "Haha, Rozanov, you're meant to pick something that could be true, not something that's so obviously a lie."

And then all of a sudden, people just start commenting zoomed in photos of Ilya Rozanov's eyes. And the internet loses its fucking mind.

And that's how Ilya and Shane reveal their relationship timeline.

[cliff-marleaus-left-toe]

One of my favorite cliff headcanons is that he is supportive of Ilya and Shane, but he doesn't really get it not bc of the whole 'Shane is boring Ilya is not' propaganda everyone on the internet is saying he thinks Shane makes sense for Ilya he just doesn't understand how gay relationships work, like he understands conceptually that people are gay and Shane and ilya are in a gay relationship he understands they are in love, and they fuck, and he isn't homophobic, but he has never seen a gay couple and especially a gay couple where both parties are Masc and all his experiences with romance are based on relationships with traditional gender roles so he thinks that's how gay relationships work also so when the summer after their wedding he calls ilya up like 'bro I missed you we gotta catch up and shit' and ilya is like 'I can't leave my beautiful husband to come see your ugly mog you understand' but Shane feels bad that Ilya had to leave Marley when he moved bc he is a good friend he was at their wedding and shit and Shane lowkey wants to prove he deserves ilya to marly bc ilya doesn't have any family left that isn't his asshole brother so sveta and marly are the closest thing he has to family, and he wants them to like him and its stupid bc it's not like if Marley doesn't like him anything will change they are already married, but he just needs this one thing to work out so bad so he is like 'why don't you invite him to the cottage I am sure he'd love to spend time there and I want to get to know him better he is one of your best friends.'

So Ilya invites Marley to the cottage and Shane brings his A game he is usually a good husband naturally, but he is trying to impress Marley so he brings flowers to ilya when he gets back from grocery shopping or cooks his favorite meals or is just being generally physicality affectionate in front of cliff like kissing his forehead and holding his hand while watching a movie that type of stuff bc he knows ilya likes being shown off, and he tries to do all the little house errands that need to be done himself so ilya can spend his time with cliff catching up and eventually when Shane is out of the house for like a commercial cliff finally is like 'dude why is Hollander doing all that I thought he was the girl are you the girl?.' And ilya is like 'first we are both men so what the fuck second if you say that about my husband again I will hit you hard.' And cliff is like trying to explain himself by saying he thought all relationships had one person who was the one getting spoiled and one person who spoils them and the one getting spoiled is always the girl based on his relationship with woman and ilya is like wow he is in a prison of his own making, and he tells Shane and Shane feels so bad bc it kinda reminds him of how he thought about relationships before he realized he liked man, and he doesn't think cliff likes men, but he still wants to talk to him about it, and they end up sitting down and talking about how if he wants quote unquote princess treatment he can just ask for what he wants and needs relationships are about compromise and just bc they are men doesn't mean they don't deserve nice things also and of course cliff understands him to an extent, but he is a little stupid, so his takeaway isn't 'I should ask for what I want fuck gender roles' its 'dating a dude is like having a best friend who fucks you and still treats you like a princess, and he is like maybe I should date a dude.' But Shane isn't there for the second part of this revelation ilya is so he is like 'yes you should.' And then cliff wishes them a good rest of their vacation and leaves and then when they meet up during the season 4 months or so later cliff sees Shane on the ice, and he is like an exited puppy so he goes up to him and tells him he's got a boyfriend, and thanks him for the advice and tells him how awesome it's been and Shane is stunned for the rest of the game but after the game ilya is like supper smug bc he knew this was going to happen and is like 'cliff invited us to meet his boyfriend.' And Shane is like 'fuck it I guess this is my life now at least cliff likes me.'

[hollanov-words]

Some random corner of the internet is being parasocial and calling Hollanov a PR marriage and a random person is like "my cousin's cousin's girlfriend used to clean their house in Ottawa. Definitely not a PR marriage. Apparently they go through a lot of couch cushions and bedframes."

[raccoonspew]

Things that turn Ilya Rozanov on

- being cared for in a classic way. It’s something he thought he wouldn’t ever have and now he does and he’s horny for it.

- Shane standing up for himself…

- Shane taking really good care of Anya. Ilya wants to get him pregnant so bad HE starts ovulating

- Shane wearing an old man outfit. Button up pajamas, reading glasses, slippers, etc. if Shane came downstairs with a night cap and a candle Ilya would pass out. Mr. Scrooge style.

- the playoffs (he is just like his husband)

- their wedding rings. He starts jerking off with his non-dominant hand so he can feel it (left handed Ilya Rozanov truthers please rise)

- Shane being His Boyfriend ™️

- one time Shane ordered for him at a restaurant and Ilya got so hard they had to leave.

- weed. He can’t smoke weed in public anymore because he gets too horny.

- Shane in a priest outfit. It’s his Halloween costume one year at a tram party because he lost a bet with Wyatt. Ilya almost blacks out when he sees it and spends the entire night proposing different role play scenarios. Ok what if I’m a dirty sinner and you are a stuck up virgin? What if I call you Father Hollander? What if I sin and you make me pay for it? What if you’re a high ranking priest and I’m trying to show you how fun worldly things are by bending you ov —

[hollanov-words]

I know it's fun in fics but I truly don't think Shane/Ilya would be that open about their sex lives in the Centaurs group chat, they'd really want to keep it professional, but I do think it would take the Cens like half a season to notice that they often both went radio silent in the chat at the same time or disappear from a party at the same time. So the joke is that they're leaving to have sex. They're not texting back because they're having sex. But it's really not serious, they're probably just having lunch without their phones or watching Netflix in the hotel room. Like yeah it's funny to wiggle their eyebrows suggestively when Shane/Ilya come back from the bathroom together but obviously they weren't hooking up in the bathroom, that would be unhinged.

Except, you know, they definitely fucking are.

[ladystromboli]

I keep thinking about Shane just saying fuck it and booking a flight to Boston after Rose. He decided that waiting till Tampa could be bad. What if Ilya doesn't want to talk to him? Out of the blue Ilya receives a text asking if he's home? Ilya thinks he's being pranked. This is a sick trick. Shane is with Rose. He remembers that show with the shitty actor, punk. Shane calls and just says please come to the door.the doorbell rings. Ilya opens and Shane is actually there. Shane apologizes for the last time. Ilya takes a moment. "You and Rose Landry?" "No, we're not compatible." Ilya lets Shane in and they have a very similar conversation that they do in Tampa.

Like Shane just decides Ilya needs a grand gesture and waiting a couple more days doesn't sit right with him.

[jewelcoatfish]

shane (a little tipsy) being cornered by a few fans at a bar one night and they ask him what’s the best thing about coming out, expecting him to say something motivating like self-expression and liberation and shane just goes

“i don’t know, probably that i can have ilya’s photos on my phone now :).”

and the whole of non bigot hockey twt just fucking crash out and montreal metros and crowell gets burned at the stake

[toapoet]

These tags are my fave

[boringmenace]

Ilya thinking he’s about to embark on a sexcation only to be bombarded by cutieful Shane Hollander with plans to spend the rest of their lives together which effectively alters Ilya’s brain chemistry to be The Boyfriend of all time is straight up the funniest thing about heated rivalry

[smokingrozanov]

Sometimes Ilya will watch Shane while he’s writing out instructions for Anya’s dogsitter or while he’s reading under a throw blanket on their couch glasses low on his nose or while he’s in their bathroom changing a lightbulb & he’s so overcome by the feeling of ‘this is home this is my husband this is the life we built together’ that he has to suck Shane off about it

[dontcallmeanythingplz]

I love the idea of Shane's Wikipedia page having a single sentence about him being "previously romantically linked to Rose Landry" under Personal Life with Rose Landry's name hyperlinked and Ilya getting irrationally annoyed by it.

He makes an offhanded comment to Shane about it during dinner one night and Shane says something like "Oh I didn't even know it said that. You can submit a correction and edit it to delete that sentence if you care so much since you're so whiny and jealous" and Ilya is like "I'm not whining, I'm just making boring conversation about boring people on boring website." Then promptly excuses himself and whips his phone out to do the very thing that Shane has just inadvertently taught him.

And Ilya is getting more and more frustrated that it keeps getting edited back to say Shane dated Rose. He can never mention this to Shane because then Shane will know that Ilya is still jealous AND still checking his Wikipedia page.

This goes on for weeks. Wikipedia eventually restricts Ilya. He makes a second account and the same thing happens. He eventually takes the L.

It isn't until like 5 years into marriage that Svetlana drunkenly admits that she's the one that put the Rose Landry fact in Shane's Wikipedia page in the first place and that she edits it back in there every time she notices it's gone.

[boringmenace]

I just know in my heart of hearts that Ilya felt #competitive about the fact that Shane was the one to propose. So he just couldn’t help himself when it was official that Shane was going to join the Centaurs.

“Hollander, I have a very important question to ask.”

“What?”

“It’s the biggest question I could ever ask you.”

“Ilya, we’re already getting married.”

Ilya grinned, and wrapped his arms around Shane’s waist, pulling him close. “Will you…” he paused for effect. “My beautiful fiancé….” Another pause. “Move in with me?”

Shane shoved him, forcing Ilya to break into laughter and whining, “Nooo, come back, is very important question.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Of course it’s a yes, Ilya. Jesus Christ.”

[cupcakesandhags]

okay but for sure baby shane on his first hockey team got to play on the ice during an intermission at a centaurs game in the 90s. he scored a goal and did a cute little celebration jump (and immediately lost his balance and fell on his butt). harris pulls the clip from somewhere deep in the centaurs archive. he makes an insta post after shane's first game with the cens and includes the video with a caption about tonight being shane hollander's second ever centaurs goal.

ilya just barely manages to keep himself from sobbing in delight at the video.

[barbie-verse]

Approximately how many strays do you think that Scott Hunter has caught in the 40,000+ Heated Rivalry fanworks on AO3?

probably roughly equal to the amount of years he's been on this earth

[snowsmoked]

I do think that Shane gets a Russian language tutor. He sees that Ilya is always having to think, speak, and translate in his second language. And he knows that Ilya is fluent by this point, but if he's serious about forever with Ilya (which he is) he wants Ilya to be able to communicate with his boyfriend in his native language. He also saw how much his grandparents struggled with learning English as adults and how much more expressive and talkative they were when they spoke Japanese at home together.

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

Though, maybe he shouldn't have learned those phrases at the same time, because Ilya will never, for as long as they live, allow him to forget asking, while down on his knees and with excellent pronunciation, please let me suck your tea.

[that-starlit-wanderer]

[mutinsfromthemoon]

there’s this belief that ilya is the bottom in their relationship and it doesn’t help he’s so flamboyant and there’s this joke around “he’s gay or european?” which is obviously based on nothing but stereotypes. shane is always carrying ilya’s stuff, and holding ilya’s waist and ilya is always sitting on shane’s lap and doesn’t help at all he’s always making shane’s plate at the gatherings. and one time shane fixed a pipe at one of the centaurs house and the wags spread the story around so people really just assume that shane is the “man” of the house. the thing is that ilya and shane never share, confirm or denies what happens in their private lives. their dynamics is for them only and rose landry