Probably this message will get lost in the depths of the internet, but still... I need to put this somewhere. I kind of desperately need someone to listen to this rant.
Being out as trans is fucking exhausting.
I mean, I already feel privileged because I've told my friends and I haven't really gotten treated like shit for it. But still.
I try to be as understanding as possible. I mean, my friends haven't seen my process of questioning and everything. I haven't really opened up about it, because I was so fucking ashamed of myself... Until some personal stuff happened, and I realised that I was pretending, and not really living.
So I gathered all the courage I had and I told my friends about being nonbinary. They asked me if I wanted to be called in a different way and I didn't know how to answer.
Because I was so scared of rejection that I hadn't even thought that acceptance could be a possibility.
So then I thought about it, and a while later I told my friends that I wanted to be called with a different name and different pronouns.
And it's been a couple of weeks. But they've been the most exhausting ever. Because most people keep slipping up and calling me with my old name and pronouns. And I try not to be upset about it, because I know that they're trying. But at first they seemed sorry when they accidentally misgendered me... While now they seem not.
I mean, it seems that they don't really get the importance of it for me. And I don't really know how to explain it to them. Not without looking...I don't know, annoying?
And I'm also hella confused, because I talk about myself in a way, and some of them (mostly) do in another, and I feel uneasy.
I feel guilty for putting them in this situation.
I get asked to be understanding, but they really don't know how understanding I already am.
How painful all of this is. How important this whole thing is for me, and how scared I am.
How difficult it is to find the words to talk about being nonbinary in a completely binary language (and world in general!).
And then there are also all the other contexts where I can't even dare to come out, because I'd put myself at risk.