Can I be a lesbian without feeling it down there?
just wanna warn that I’ll be describing sexual details in this post, also sorry if it’s quite long.
I hope it’s not too weird of a question. I’ve been trying to discover and understand my sexuality for a while. Grew up with a lot of repression.
I don’t think I’m asexual. I don’t necessarily know why but I feel strongly I’m not asexual. I don’t know if I either have a lower sex drive or I find it uncomfortable to think sexually because I feel perverted (cause again, growing up, liking girls makes you feel like there’s something wrong and gross about you)
Anyways, I like women a lot. Not sure how I feel about men, to be honest I don’t really think about them that much and when I do, I get more analytical rather than a natural feeling of attraction if that makes sense.
I have a hard time with fathoming penetration or being penetrated. Sometimes i feel like I’m sort of disconnected from my own genitals, i don’t know if that’s still a sexuality thing or it’s something to do with gender discomfort.
When I’m attracted to a woman, I feel desire to touch her, explore her body and make her feel good (which is what leads me to be sure I’m not asexual). I have no problem with her touching me but I just can’t imagine enjoying any sort of being penetrated, fingered etc. and I find it uncomfortable (still not sure why) which I find very unfortunate cause I wish there was a way for the other person to also touch me in more ways that she would also enjoy.
I guess the description of “service top” feels fitting. I love when a woman is dominant in character but again I can’t handle being the “bottom” in position.
I just feel like it’s weird that I am this way and it’s making it difficult for me to feel valid. To be honest, I’m still a virgin, and I know I’m supposed to explore sexually first but I genuinely can’t ever find myself being comfortable with doing things down there. And I never feel the urge to touch myself either. Literally never. Most of my arousal and sexual desire is everywhere else but in my genitals. What is that?
Lunarthistles: The lesbian community has a whole lot of terminology for what you’re describing: “touch-me-nots”, stone tops, service top: a person who enjoys giving pleasure but doesn’t necessarily enjoy receiving it/enjoy being touched. If that sounds like you, maybe it would be helpful to look up those terms on Tumblr and on subreddits and see if those sorts of topics seem like things you identify with. If you like the idea of giving pleasure to a woman without receiving yourself, I think you maybe have found your tribe, so to speak!
Violet13579: There are plenty of lesbians that don’t enjoy penetration. Sex is supposed to be about doing things that are mutually enjoyable, not following a predetermined script. You could also possibly be like me. If I touch myself with my own hands I feel nothing. Thinking about hypothetical people doesn’t do much for me. But if you add my girlfriend into the scenario it’s an entirely different story. Touch that feels like nothing when I do it is suddenly amazing when it’s her hands instead. Fantasies that center her get me going. I get the most pleasure when I’m connected to someone. Either way, or some different third option, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your girl is out there looking for her service top.
ImplementSure5942: The short answer is a 100% yes. You can be a lesbian without needing or wanting physical focus on your genitals. There is nothing gross or perverted about you. Growing up with repression leaves a heavy psychological footprint, and it is incredibly common for that history to create a disconnect from your own body. What you are describing is actually very recognized in the queer community. There is also the term stone top, which describes someone who gains pleasure from giving pleasure but prefers not to be touched genitally. You do not have to endure penetration or fingering to be a valid lesbian. To offer a bit of a perspective shift on letting a partner touch you, sometimes it helps to change how you look at it. When I was younger, I could feel exactly the way you describe. But what helped me was shifting my focus. (and today I enjoy a woman going down on me and do wathever she wants lol) is I found that I could get excited to let a partner do what she wanted because I want her to be satisfied too. My pleasure comes from the fact that she is deriving so much joy from going down on me. Seeing her desire is what triggers my own excitement, and that perspective is what allowed me to enjoy it. I changed my perspective to see my body more of the way she would see it, and it actually healed me also emotionally with time to accept my body as is ! But you do not have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to explore. Arousal can be a full body experience focused on kissing and touching skin. When you find the right person, you can establish boundaries early. A partner who respects you will care about your comfort above all else. And talking about it early will help finding someone who might be like you , or complete you ! You are valid exactly as you are right now, so please be kind to yourself.
Bluebloop1115: There are different levels like a spectrum on sex repulse. There is unfortunately a lot of trauma around sex and shame. You can be a lesbian without sex. Maybe you need to feel safe. Don’t let being a virgin shame you. It’s not worth the risk hooking up with random people with the STDs. I’ve personally read stories of women deciding to be celibate after having an STD even treatable ones. But to each their own. I think therapy might be helpful for you. This sounds like shame to me but I’m an internet stranger. Possibly shame over genitals, being a woman, or even sex/pleasure shame. I’m sorry you feel so disconnected.
Originally shared by Loose-Psychology-968 on r/latebloomerlesbians on June 3rd, 2026 at 11:34 PM UTC.
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