i want love and romance so bad. i'm in love with the idea of love. and yet, i have never felt it before, ever. i don't know if i ever will, and it's killing me. so many people in this community are so happy but i don't know how to make it stop feeling like i've just discovered a big gaping empty void in my being.
hi, sweetheart. first of all: you are not alone in this feeling. i promise. there are a lot of aro people who are happy without love, yes, and for a lot of them, it's because there was a lot of time and work put into feeling that way. many of them started feeling what you're feeling, and i promise, there's tons of people out there (probably a fair bit of the people reading this right now) who are going through a similar experience.
as always, it's important to acknowledge the role of amatonormativity here. society is built around romance, in many ways, and whether you like it or not, there's an idea that you're only going to be happy by falling in love and being in a romantic relationship. for a lot of aro people, it's a very real feeling of grief to realize that the ultimate happiness they've been promised is not in the cards for them. it can be really difficult to visualize a happy life without a romantic partner or love, and that's by societal design. it's even harder if you really genuinely want romance. it's okay for it to be hard. it's okay to feel that grief.
what i can tell you from personal experience is that time is the best healer of wounds. that's probably not what you want to hear, but more than anything, giving yourself time to process what you're feeling is going to get you through it, more than looking for an instant solution. i was never really invested in romance, but while i was working through the feelings of isolation and the idea that i was never going to Have Somebody, it took years of gradually lessening before it became something that i didn't really think of at all. at this point, i've had nearly a decade to heal that hurt, and it does get better. it does. but it will take time.
work on bolstering other kinds of relationships in your life. they might not be what you ultimately want, but what's going to drive the hurt of Lacking Romance the most is feeling lonely. seek out companionship. surround yourself with people who care about you. maybe start thinking about the ways in which these long-lasting relationships are going to be valuable through the rest of your life, too.
try and get comfortable in being by yourself. look for the bright points in it. take yourself on dates, pick up a hobby you've been meaning to try, practice sitting quietly with yourself. half of overcoming loneliness is having other people there, and the other half is learning to treasure the time that you have with yourself.
get your romance fix in other ways, potentially. books, movies, what have you; if you're having trouble seeing romance without feeling heartbroken that you don't have it, try reframing it in your head. you love love. focus on the feeling of happiness that it brings you. bring it into your life in other ways.
plan for the future. i mean this in a vision-board kind of way. if you are having trouble with the thought that you'll be alone, start planning out what the good parts of a life with yourself looks like. mine was always bright, clear windows. does your future have a pet to keep you company? maybe friends that you live with? what kind of music do you play in your own space? how do you want to decorate? there are parts of life that will be beautiful without romance. you just have to find them.
consider what you want a relationship to look like. you said you don't think you feel love; that's okay. that's a tough feeling. it doesn't stop you from being in a romantic relationship, though, if that's something you want. if you think you could do it, there's absolutely the possibility of engaging in a traditionally romantic relationship, even without romantic feelings on your part. what i've found is that "love" isn't a word that i think applies to me. it's not something that i get to have. i do, however, have feelings for other people that go deeper for me than what my concept of love is. when i tell my wife "i love you," she knows that i'm using that phrase as a placeholder, because the actual feeling is Bigger for me but there's not an easy way of saying that yet. there are other ways to care for people. sometimes it's just a matter of discovering that in yourself.
make sure you're engaging in community :) i know it can be hard to see people happy when you're not feeling that way. if you can, though, reframe it. other people's happiness is not a sign of your failure. it's a benchmark of what you're going to get to, given time. it's a little bit of hope made manifest. there is a bright, glowing possibility of aro joy, and it's waiting patiently for you whenever you're ready to find it. other people can share that feeling with you. they can show you where to look for it. and sometimes, just the knowledge that it's out there is going to help.
your community is also there to support and listen to and uplift you <3 reaching out and expressing those feelings can be so important, and i'm glad you felt able to do that here. keep that up, if it helps. get a bunch of different people's perspectives on aromanticism. ask people for their advice and their bright moments and the ways they struggled too. people are there for you. <3
remember that you are not broken. it's easy to frame the aro experience as being Without Love; that's not true, though. you're not Missing anything. human beings are built all different kinds of ways. you and i just have different experiences from the general populace. and that's okay. you are a full and complete person. it's alright if you don't feel that way right now. but i promise that you're going to be alright. 🖤
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