Ask a Pansexual

This is for questions and advice about anything your little heart desires. There are so many questions out there and I'm here to try and answer them. Anything from the simple to the complex. This is all about helping people understand and learn about those sexualities and genders that aren't so "common"! Personal tumblr Youtube

[askapansexual]

Hey, I'm a girl and recently I have developed feelings for a transgender male. I think I'm pansexual because I like him regardless of the fact he's trans, and I've realized that I honestly don't care what gender someone is, and it's more about the personality for me. I've been debating weather to tell my mom or not, because I'm not 100% sure. She supports me no matter what, and had told me before that she doesn't care if I date girls, so I know she won't freak out. Do u think Ishould I tell her?

It sounds like this is a fairly new discovery and if you aren’t a 100% sure I would do some more discovering yourself first. I know I wanted to share with a lot of people once I really understood what being pansexual was, but I don't think I was ready to really explain it well yet. I had very open friends but a lot of them tried to define me and make me question if I was pansexual. You want to be ready to answer those questions!

#pansexual #comingout #anonymous #askapansexual

[askapansexual]

Hi, I'm a pansexual who has been out for about a year now and I've gotten over various hurdles such as getting my conservative father to accept my sexuality, but now I have a problem I don't know how to face. I have a friend who is very accepting of my sexuality but is very immersed in the whole "appropriation of cultures and sexualitys " and she insists that since I'm genderfluid I cannot be pansexual and I should stop saying that I am, How do I tell her that she is wrong?

hello anon,

.....try as i might, i can't even begin to imagine what kind of argument your friend could possibly have that would link your genderfluid and pansexual identities to appropriation....??

and since i'm totally unable to understand her argument, it's nearly impossible for me to correct her.... i don't even know what she believes that i should be addressing!

could you please give me more information? i'd really like to try and help you with this... :(

- Vesper

[theheirofnothinginparticular-de]

Hi everyone! I am currently producing a web series entitled “The Closet” that I will be releasing on YouTube later this year. The series will follow the lives of closeted members of the LGBTQA+ community as they work up the courage to come out. It will also feature members of the LGBTQA+ community who are out of the closet and interested in sharing their coming out stories, as well giving advice to viewers on coming out. (If you would like more information about the series/how to become involved, send me an email at [email protected]).

Since this series is going to be released on YouTube, I need your help to get the word out! Please help to spread the word about this series by reblogging this post! Also, please head over to my YouTube channel and subscribe so that you can stay updated on the series, view trailers as they are released, and know exactly when the first episode will premiere!

Thanks so much everyone!

XO-Alyssa

[askapansexual]

Hey so I want to come out to my grandma (I'm a pan girl) But I have no idea how, as I'm not sure she'd be completely accepting. I feel like she gonna say it a phase or treat me differently

hello anon,

this may be pointing out the obvious, but she very well may assume that it's a phase and/or treat you differently. no matter how you come out to her, her response may still be the same. some people are just like that. so with that in mind, try to mentally prepare yourself for such responses ahead of time. keep in mind that it's natural for her to need time to understand and come to terms with certain things and she may say or do hurtful things in the meantime.

as for how to come out, there are lots of different approaches that you could take. you could sit her down for a serious 1-on-1 discussion, you could bring up the topic casually or just drop hints to see how she responds. you could write her a letter, which is a good option if coming out to her face-to-face is intimidating or stressful. you could have someone else there with you when you come out to support and defend you should things go south. there are a million ways, really.

anyway, i wish you all the best. i hope that she pleasantly surprises you when/if you do come out to her. :)

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I'm panromantic asexual (gray a) and I'm only 12, I can be asexual by this age or I'm too young? I feel like an asexual person!!

hello, anon!

there are people who will argue otherwise, but there is no such thing as being too young to know who or what you are. so go ahead, strut your pan ace/grace pride!

no one-- i repeat, no one-- has the right to even suggest that you are too young to know yourself.

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

Hello! The more I learn about pansexuality, the more I believe I am a pansexual. However, I've already came out to all of my friends as bisexual. Do you have any advice on how to come out again, but as pansexual? Or any advice on how to come out to family as pansexual?

hello anon! sorry about the late response.

about coming out to your friends a second time, i would base how you come out on how each particular friend responded the first time.

if you think that coming out as pansexual will be a non-issue to someone, perhaps you could just casually mention your new identity. as in "you know how i told you that i was bisexual before...? well, ever heard of pansexuality...?" leaving it open ended like that leaves the conversation open to explaining why you are now pansexual, which they will inevitably be curious about since they probably won't even have heard of pansexuality. of course, you could also just present your pansexuality as a statement and leave it at that.

if you think that someone will have a harder time understanding or accepting your pansexuality, a more serious conversation may be inevitable, so i would ready yourself to answer a lot of questions about pansexuality and how it differs from bisexuality for you personally. if someone attacks your identity, you may feel the need to defend yourself, but remember. you needn't defend yourself to anyone. if they fail to understand or accept this new information that you're entrusting them with, that's their problem.

aside from that, i'm afraid i can't give you any solid tips on what to say/how to come out..... about coming out to your family, check out our coming out tag for advice and ideas. :)

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

Hi, I'm pansexual and I have no clue how to come out to my parents. I'm in the deepest darkest closet that is known to man. It just sucks because this really cute girl asked me to go on a date (I'm also female, and as of now my parents believe me to be hetero) and I had to turn her down because I'm not out and it's not fun.

that really sucks, anon. :/

i assume that you are still living at home? and thus are dependent on your parents for support, financial and otherwise? in which case, i feel the need to advice careful consideration of how/when/if you come out to your parents. if you feel like coming out to them could put you into any danger, drive a serious wedge into your relationship with them or in any way cause them to stop supporting you, it may be a good idea to put up with the sucky situation until you are out of the house and more independent. it would suck even more than it does now if you came out to them and they refused to support you through college, for example....

on the other hand, if you feel like your parents would never take things that far, perhaps it's only a matter of being very strategic about how/when/to whom you come out.

either way, i wish you the best, anon. :(

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I have identified as pansexual/genderfluid (born female) for the past 3 year. And recently I have been contemplating whether or not that is truly what sexual orrientation I am. Because recently (past 3 months) I have been only interested in girls, and I have been feeling the need to be masculine. And I am wondering if it is normal/ okay to be feeling this way?

life is a journey in which one never stops discovering new things about oneself. on top of this, for many people gender and/or sexuality are fluid things which can change over time.

so is it "normal" or okay to be feeling this way? of course it is. there is absolutely nothing strange or wrong about it.

it can definitely be scary and/or disorientating to feel like a part of your long-held identity is changing/has changed, but the words you use to describe your identity are but words. they serve a purpose and that purpose is to communicate something about yourself to others. if those words stop being accurate and/or useful, you may want to look into new words. it's entirely up to you!

whatever you do just remember: "normal"? there's no such thing. everyone is different. just be you.

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I am a 12 year old girl but have found myself attracted to other genders. Online reachers led me to discover i am pansexual I already came out as bi to 2 of my 3 friends but not to any family members. I have a aunt who is marrying her girlfriend and one of my uncles is a gay hairdresser so i know i will not be thrown out or anything but my dad is against gay marriage and my brothers make being gay a joke so i am afraid of coming out please give me some tips thank you

hello anon,

sorry for the late reply. i hope all's well with you!

the biggest piece of advice that i personally can give you is to wait until you are ready and the time feels right to come out. you have the power to choose who you come out to when, where and how. plus it seems like you have a decent idea of how certain family members will react. use all of this to your advantage! if you think that your dad and/or brothers will be the least supportive of who you are, then perhaps hold off on coming out to them. at least until you have more supportive people around you to help back you up.

i'm sorry i can't give you any more practical advice than this, but i hope that it helps. if you're looking for ideas on how to come out, Google or Tumblr can certainly help inspire you. :) good luck!

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

what is it called when you feel attracted to someone's soul/ personality instead of their appearance or gender?

being a human being.

[askapansexual]

Uhm, I was looking some stuff up and this blog was one of the first things to show up, so I was hoping maybe you could help me... I am a 19 year old girl in a committed relationship with the man that I one day want to marry, but I've started questioning my sexuality recently. I don't know if I'm bisexual or pansexual, and I don't know how to find out. I don't want to find out for anyone else, but for my own peace of mind. Do you think you could help me...?

dear anon,

perhaps this post will help a little, but i'm afraid i can't tell you how to discover something so intimate about yourself. figuring out something like this is a journey of self-discovery that can last anywhere from days to years, but you'll work through it in time. please check out the other post if you haven't already. i wish you all the best!

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I recently realized that my sexual attraction extends beyond just girls (I'm male). My dating experience is zero but I'm confident that I'm not just interested in girls, but at this point its just physical attraction, I'm having a hard time imaging myself in relationship with a guy (I am comfortable with trans however). This discovery about myself is very recent, I only realized I wasn't straight a month or so ago. It worries me that my interest is just physical even is its early on, any advice?

hello anon,

two months have passed since you sent this ask. sorry. perhaps it's not even relevant to you anymore, but i'll still try to respond to it.

when you say "physical attraction" i'm guessing that you mean sexual attraction-- as in you feel attraction in a way that invokes a desire for sex. please correct me if i'm wrong.

if that is the case, then that is really the only thing that defines pansexuality. pansexuality is a sexual orientation involving sexual attraction to any or all genders. other types of attraction, such as romantic, aesthetic or sensual, are separate matters. it is entirely possible, for example, to be pansexual (sexually attracted to all genders) and heteroromantic (romantically attracted to gender(s) different from your own) at the same time.

to find out more about romantic orientations and other types of attraction, check out this video. (shameless self promotion, huuuurrrrr)

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

Hi What is your opinion of the term "gender blind"? Although gender doesnt make me love who I love more or less I am uncomfortable using it as bi & pan cisgender woman who cannot relate to her having gender identity argued to her etc. I feel disrepectful to anyone who isn't cis by saying this. Although it's not best to compare racial issues to sexual/gender identity i do feel a bit like a white person saying "I don't see colour", completely disregarding a pride for a culture/identity.

hello anon,

i and several other members of the Ask A Pansexual YouTube channel actually made videos about this topic a while ago. you can see my video and the other videos here.

but to answer your question in short, i abhor the term "gender blind" as much as i abhor term "color blind" for the reason you gave and more.

- Vesper / nighstar

[askapansexual]

I'm currently pretty confused about my sexuality but I'm pretty sure I'm pan. I've heard though that people who are pansexual don't care about looks at all and I do. I also have a slight preference toward women (I'm female myself) would I still be considered pan even though I like women more and care about looks?

hello anon,

i apologize for taking so long to respond to your ask! if you haven’t seen it already, this post is very relevant to your question.

in short, the answer to your question is that everyone has preferences/inclinations to some degree or another, whether it be about aesthetics (looks), gender, personality or anything else. pansexuals are human just like everyone else and thus are no exception to this. one can most certainly be attracted to a particular gender (or genders) more than others and still be pansexual.

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I don't think i am a pansexual, i actually think i'm straight, but i've talked to a pansexual before and i think i believe in most of her beliefs. I mean if i loved a guy, i would love a guy, but i don't, the men i know are jerks, and the rest i know i am totally not attracted too. I don't really look at the outside, i don't understand why people find boobs and butts attractive. I look mainly at the emotional and mental more than looks. So what am i exactly? Just curious of your opinion.

received 4 days later:

congrats on the self-discovery! :) while i must say that pansexuality really has nothing to do with beliefs (referring to your original ask), i'm happy for you as i know how a realization/self-discovery like this feels.

all the best,- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I have always thought I was CIS but the more I explore other sexualities the more I wonder about my own. I have "kissed a girl" but I think I didn't "kiss the right girl." The more I look at it the more I dont seem to care if someone identifies as male or female. I want to know how you knew you were pansexual? How does someone know if they are pansexal? I don't know if I am straight or not. I'm very confused about it all.

hello anon,

every single person that you ask will give you a different answer when it comes to how they knew that they were X, Y or Z. realizing that you are who you are is one thing; coming out to yourself and accepting yourself for who you are is another. the whole thing is a process-- journey that generally requires lot of introspection. as disconcerting as it can feel at times, there is nothing wrong with not being sure about your sexuality.

personally, i'm (panromantic) asexual and although i began questioning my sexuality when i was 17 it wasn't until i was 27 that i actually came to terms with who i am. it took me so long largely because of denial; i tried so very hard to be something that i was not... even so, i don't really regret how long it took me. it was all part of a journey and i gained so much experience during those years...

to you who may (or may not) be just starting out on your journey of self discovery, my biggest recommendation is to just listen. listen to yourself. pay attention to your feelings and revisit feelings of days gone by. feelings that you may not have noticed at the time. the answer to who you are lies inside of you and it isn't going anywhere. you'll find it, i'm sure. in the meantime, try to enjoy the journey.

- Vesper

[askapansexual]

I have reached a point after quite a long time knowing I am pansexual (although at the beginning I did not know it had a name) for a long time, that I need to have it documented somewhere. I will say that the type of people I am attracted to happen to be male - but it has never been because they are male - I wish there was a way I could explain this to my family that prefers to see things in black and white. They do not understand bi and do not think pan is anything different. Any advice?

coming out to family can be the toughest of all and i wish i had advice that could help you help them to understand.

if your family is open minded at all, perhaps presenting them with information about pansexuality from several sources (so that they know that this isn't just something that you yourself came up with) may help. on the other hand, even if you present them with such information, it may still take a lot of time for them to process it and come to their own personal understanding of what pansexuality is. patience.

if your family isn't open minded, trying to help them understand something that they do not want to understand may be futile, sadly.... 

that said, try not to let your family's lack of understanding or acceptance get you down. you know who you are even if they do not and it's their loss more than it is yours. try to have patience and help them along the way to understanding if at all possible, but at the end of the day what they do or do not understand is on them, not you.

sorry for the bleh advice... all the best~- Vesper