Folks PMing me that “Oh, these guys just have memory problems!”
No, it’s not a memory problem thing. It’s willful ignorance.
They stand back and rely on their wives making all of the appointments, doing all of the childcare, doing all of the home management, cooking, laundry, et cetera.
These guys have partners who CONSTANTLY REMIND THEM, print lists, mark appointments on calendars, or will write down a daily routine when these dads are filling in when their wives are busy.
The dads I’m talking about up there CAN’T BE ARSED WITH INDEPENDENTLY MANAGING THESE THINGS.
These guys expect to be micromanaged by their wives.
“Oh, but YOU’RE better suited to scheduling!”
“You made the appointment for the parent teacher conference, right? You know I’m no good at e-mailing teachers!”
“You want me to check in with the health room about our kid’s meds? Why would I need to do that? You handle those things!”
We’ve had a dad DROP OFF THE WRONG KID because he forgot WHICH of his children was the middle school student. (That high schooler ended up being SUPER late to school! High school starts at 7:30 am and advisory at our school starts at 9:20)
Our office staff had to prevent an unapproved person from picking up a child because the dad didn’t think he HAD to add another relative to the ‘Approved Pick Ups list. Instead of saying, “Oh, yeah. They’re approved. Let’s add them!” this guy argued with our office staff because, “I shouldn’t have to do all that. It’s just my kid’s aunt!”
We’ve had kids come in ask for clothes from our Clothing Closet because “Dad didn’t do our laundry.”
A very common one is kids bragging about how good their cooking is. Usually the kids are cooking nerds. Unfortunately some of them are the ‘‘designated cooks” when their moms aren’t able to cook dinner. When asked why, they’ve said, “My dad says cooking isn’t his job and I’m better at it anyway.”
These are often the same children who pick up slack for dad in other ways. These are the kids who wake up early, wake up their little siblings, get their little siblings breakfast, and wait at the bus stop with them before the big kid gets to go to school. These are kids who do this when dad is home. “Well, if I didn’t do it, they’d be late all the time.”
As many people have brought up before, a lot of the moms who are managing appointments, meetings, e-mailing teachers, calling the office, taking the kids to the doctor, and managing the household have mental illnesses and/or physical illnesses that make all of the above extremely hard.
We have many moms come in our office who vent or break down because “I have all of this going on AND I have to manage (mental health/physical health) issues. I’m just so tired!”
Some guys go about it like “Oh! I just didn’t know!” and some guys actively don’t care enough to know. Some guys let their wives know that “I don’t do that appointment making crap. You do it.”
I’ve had dads tell ME that “Oh, it’s just so hard making appointments and keeping up with all this. Women are just BETTER at this stuff! Like you! You’re so organized.”
“I bet your dad didn’t do this organization crap, amirite?!”
These guys could learn from my dad!
Here are the things my dad would tell all of us:
1) A spouse is a PARTNER. If you want someone to cook, do your laundry, or clean your house, you hire someone to do it.
2) Everyone who lives in the household contributes by doing chores.
3) It is not automatically ONE person’s job to cook. Everyone takes turns cooking because it’s an important life skill.
4) The people who didn’t cook clean up the kitchen.
5) Pick it up even if it isn’t your mess. We don’t want a dirty house.
6) Everyone writes important dates/meetings/appointments on a family calendar (ours is on the fridge). Everyone will then write it in their individual planners.
7) If you’re forgetful, WRITE LISTS. If it’s a routine, write it in chronological order.
8) Put your keys/wallet/glasses/meds in the same place each day so they don’t get lost.
9) Everyone does laundry. As soon as the laundry basket is full, laundry is done.
10) Say “I Love You” every day to your spouse, your kids, your grandkids, your nieces, nephews, etc. You never know when you’ll be gone from this earth.**
11) Never demean hard work. When someone is working hard at chores, at home, a paying job, or doing homework— you tell them you appreciate the hard job they’re doing.
12) Be respectful to your family members. Show this respect by being kind, firm when needed, and by keeping your household clean. It’s a team effort to make a household run.
13) My dad was a stay at home dad. His routine: When you’re in a position to be a stay at home dad: Sweep and Mop the floors every day, do laundry every day, do dishes and wipe out the sink, wash laundry and put it away, dust, be responsible for most of the cooking, make sure all beds are made, make sure to put out kid clothes out the day before school, get kids up, get kids ready for school, get kids breakfast, get kids to school, pick kids up from school, take kids to appointments, vacuum your wife’s car because you care about her and it makes her happy, mow the lawn, and be sure to take some ‘‘me time”.
**Relevance: my dad’s parents died suddenly.
