one of mainstream feminism's largest failures of the past decade or so was the propagation of the term "toxic masculinity." I don't mean to say that the ways that men uphold rigid, overly-restrictive notions of masculinity shouldn't be discussed and criticized, but the name given to this phenomenon failed to accurately describe it for what it is: transmisogyny.
I think that here, julia serano's definition of transmisogyny makes it clear why that's a better word to describe this phenomenon. transmisogyny is the intersection between oppositional sexism, which is rooted in the belief that male and female are rigid, mutually exclusive, and "opposite" categories with no overlap between them whatsoever; and traditional sexism, the presumption that femininity is innately inferior to masculinity. when these two forms of sexism intersect, the result is transmisogyny.
when you look at it this way, it becomes clear why "toxic masculinity" is an insufficient term. when a man chastises a young boy for crying, or when a woman mocks her male date for ordering a fruity drink at a bar, it's a message that communicates two things:
"you're a man. that behavior is categorized as feminine, so it is off-limits to you."
"because that behavior is categorized as feminine, doing it anyway will make you inferior to other men."
because the message is a combination of these two forms of sexism, it's transmisogyny, even if the person being chastised is not transfem or even gender non-conforming. however, let's be clear: this doesn't mean that men are uniquely victimized by transmisogyny. while yes, it is painful for some men to be held to these expectations, by and large, it is men who stand to gain the most by upholding them.
the goal behind this particular instance of transmisogyny is to discourage men from becoming "lesser" in the eyes of society. it is to punish them for being feminine, so that they will police themselves without anyone needing to punish them further. it is to prevent anyone assigned male at birth from even thinking about partaking in femininity. it is to stop trans women from existing, because we vehemently reject the notions that the two sexes are opposites with no overlap and that femininity is inferior to masculinity in the first place.
men benefit from this form of transmisogyny, and until now, they've never been held accountable for it. sure, maybe cis women will ridicule a man who refuses to order a lavender drink at a coffee shop and only uses 3-in-1 shampoo with "men's" in a big bold font on the label for being insecure in his masculinity, but this minor grievance is easily outweighed by the many privileges he holds for being masculine. maintaining these privileges is of the utmost importance for him, which is why, even after years of mainstream feminists raising awareness about and mocking "toxic masculinity," men still uphold and enforce the transmisogyny that allowed them to obtain these privileges in the first place. their position at the top of the gender hierarchy is a great place to be, and they can only stay there by ensuring that everyone else is firmly beneath them, with trans women at the very bottom.
and let me make myself clear from the outset, before this post starts circulating around and people start adding their own additions to it. it is a failure of mainstream feminism that this topic always begins and ends with discussions about men, when the people who are the most traumatized by this phenomenon are trans women. yes, it is unfortunate that many men have been so heavily conditioned by this phenomenon that they can't so much as cry when someone near to them dies, but I have very little sympathy for those men who then turn around and enforce the very same transmisogyny onto others.
furthermore, nowhere in this post did I say that only cis men benefit from this form of transmisogyny; trans men can and do uphold it, and likewise benefit from doing so, albeit usually to a lesser extent than cis men. even if they do so because their masculinity is called into question at a far greater rate than cis men's masculinity (and thus the stakes for failing to conform are higher), it still pales in comparison to how often trans women have been harassed and assaulted for failing to conform to the expectations of masculinity that were placed upon us all our lives, expectations which most of us never wanted anything to do with.
moving forward, we need to discard "toxic masculinity" as a term and start describing it for what it is: transmisogyny. we need to center trans women in the conversation, as we're the ones who are the direct targets of transmisogyny. we need to hold tme people accountable for enforcing these overly rigid gender roles in the first place - ESPECIALLY cis men, who benefit the most from doing so. and most importantly, everyone needs to stop talking over trans women when we discuss transmisogyny by redirecting the conversation to talk about how it hurts some other group. it should be enough that it hurts us. transmisogyny is the core of so many forms of gendered oppression that challenging it directly will benefit everyone in the long run, but it will have the most immediate and profound impact on us, and I think that's an important enough reason to work to combat it.
every so often, I continue to see people discuss toxic masculinity as if it's an actual issue that needs to be addressed for the sake of men, because the limitations that are placed upon them are too restrictive and deprive them of many forms of self-expression - be it love, joy, sorrow, and the like. is it unfortunate that they are limited in these ways? certainly, but the thing that you absolutely MUST understand is that, by and large, it is self-inflicted. they restrain themselves, often subconsciously, because they have been conditioned over the course of their lives to do so with the knowledge that adhering to these restrictions will grant them material benefits and privileges in the patriarchal society they live in and uphold.
it is actually remarkably easy for men to attain freedom from these limitations; they simply have to choose not to enforce them anymore. they are the ones with the patriarchal authority to do so. unfortunately, there is no chance of this happening. men uphold and enforce these limitations specifically because it allows them to deny power to women. if men allowed themselves to freely express the full range of human emotions, for example, then how could they paint women as irrational and illogical for expressing completely normal emotions, and thus unfit to occupy positions of power, or even to participate in the decision-making process in relationships?
the simple fact of the matter is that so long as men stand to materially gain from enforcing transmisogyny, you will not convince them en masse to give up their power voluntarily. in order to do so, you would have to convince them all to care about women's liberation, and especially trans women's liberation, which simply isn't going to happen.
if you actually care about combating "toxic masculinity", then you need to strike at the root and deny men the ability to gain power over women, especially trans women, in the first place. we, as trans women, absolutely must prioritize one another. we must wield our collective strength against men - even individual men - who attempt to exert power over us. much like the relationship between employee and employer, we are powerless as individuals to stop the oppressive force that controls our ability to live securely. together, however, we are strong. we can abolish the patriarchy that subjugates us. T4T forever.
