Seretonin Deficient !

My place to vent! ✨Welcome to the shit show✨ Bipolar 2 Disorder, ADHD, C-PTSD depressed as Shit 💃

[beautifullyunspoken]

I am sick of walking this earth with people who are blind to the way we live it is not ok we are all so disconnected, the price of everything is fucked! The people who spent years being a slave to be able to set themselves up for retirement are now having to sell there homes just to afford to live, mental health is still fucked and everyone is aware of it now but still such a stigma and no one knows how to talk about it, everyone’s so mean and unhappy and the people who are happy are either lucky or faking it or oblivious to the world, I wish I was just as dumb as half the population so I could just say wellll that’s just the way life is and get on with it… but no! I know it’s not the way it just is!! It’s exactly the way it shouldn’t be and it’s only because WE as a whole society made it this way!!!! we have the power to change it but it’s still so out of our control I just hate this world the only good things left in life is nature and we are even destroying that 😪 humans take everything for granted and rely on the little dopamine hits we get just to be able to feel some sense of happiness while knowing it’s ruining the earth & ourselfs instead of putting in the actual time and effort into changing it and making a difference that can create ACTUAL happiness not these little hits of dopamine that last a few minutes then we would have a chance of saving what good there is left and I would have some hope but I know that’s not going to happen in my life time so I will just keep on pretending with the rest of the world going through the motions 😒

[beautifullyunspoken]

( a poem I wrote)

You said you loved me

You mustn’t know me then..

For I was born into hate, I never had to beg anyone to be hated, they just did it, as if it was as easy as the wind picks up the dead leaves in a winter breeze

So the only thing that makes sense for you to ever love me is because you don’t know me well enough yet, so I’ll show you the bad parts of me so you can see the real me, so you can hate me too!

And if you still somehow love me, I’ll tell myself your a fool & convince myself that it’s me that hates you, how could anyone be so stupid

Stupid enough to love someone like me

Then I’ll walk away & continue to hate myself because if you can’t do it

I’ll do it for you..

Regards.. self sabotage 💔

[beautifullyunspoken]

No one talks about what it’s like after you stop dating someone who was literally obsessed with you & even though the intensity of it is what pushed me away and it was so unhealthy

It feels like no matter who I try to date again I compare them to him, it feels like they don’t like me because they’re normal and healthy. I don’t know what to do, my adhd brain loved the dopamine it gave me. The constant reassurance and messages about how great I am, the fucking sex was the best most intense sex I’ve ever had he filled every part of my life up with such excitement that everyone else seems to just tolerate me now… even though it was unhealthy my brain searches for that in everyone now & it’s never matched noone puts in the same effort

And you know what the fucked part of it is I left because it was too much but now I miss it but I also know nostalgia is a lie and my brain just loved that dopamine hit constantly & the unpredictability 😩I feel so lost

[weltenwellen]

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

[bipolarmango]

Things I should talk in therapy:

- I want to unalive myself

- I feel I'm a waste of human space

- There's no reason to be alive

Things I talk in therapy:

- I feel like I'm a bit socially awkward

[beautifullyunspoken]

It feels different this time..

It’s more then just sadness

It’s like acceptance

Acceptance I won’t ever be happy

Acceptance I wont have a normal life

Accepting love is not for me

I am ok with that fact I won’t be here for long

Even when I go and do things that are fun and when I’m with people I love

It’s still there in the background reminding me.

That’s why I make the most out of everything I do

Because I feel my time is getting closer where I will say goodbye and the scary thing is, it’s starting not to scare me anymore

I do fear what’s on the other side, will I be punished for taking my own life, will I feel regret ? Is there eternal darkness or just nothingness ?

I have this feeling like I miss something but I don’t know what, hopefully I find it on the other side and peace 🫶🏼 I’ve lived such a great life but this pain and feeling I have inside me is getting too much and eating away at my being I’m not living anymore I’m suffering

I don’t want to talk about it with people cause I don’t want to be saved anymore I don’t want people to try and make me feel better it’s always there no matter the distractions, I just want to go and not suffer anymore 🤍

[beautifullyunspoken]

I don’t care about anything anymore

That should scare me, but I just don’t care I am exhausted & numb

[to-whom-it-should-have-conserned]

Its difficult dealing with the internal conflict of both being greatful and loyal to everything our mother has done for us and dealt with in her life, but also stand fast to the feelings of "I deserved to he treated better. Not just on her terms."

Alot of it comes down to - she didn't get the help she needed and that fucking sucks. But she didn't have the right to take that out on me.

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[furiousgoldfish]

me, daydreaming: but what if someone… paid attention to me…

my brain: Oh yeah? How would you hide your symptoms if someone was paying attention to you? How would you explain the crashing, the episodes, the isolation? How would they feel when they realized you were always in pain and they couldn’t help? How would you feel knowing you’re making someone feel bad for you constantly? How would you even deal with the attention?

me: by the gods you are right… what was I thinking…

[beautifullyunspoken]

I feel like I care too much.

When somebody hurts me even when it’s something so horrible & unforgivable I always find a way to forgive them, I can see why they did what they did I feel everything even their pain so I can reason their actions as I know it’s not the person themselves but their learned behaviour or their lack of self esteem or their trauma or just their general bad decisions we all make. We are only human & I too have made mistakes & will continue to make them

When I see something beautiful I want to share it with the world. The way the sunsets & how when I walk around the lake & it’s so still that it mirrors the sky. At night time when the stars are shining bright i go to take a photo to share how pretty it is & get sad when it’s too dark in the photos to show anyone. ☹️

When I hear a song I will think of who will like it or who it reminds me of & send it to them.

When I eat a a restaurant I will look at the menu & see if theres anything that’s vegan so I can take my vegan friend there so she can try somewhere new

If I see a old person eating alone I feel sad for them especially if they look sad & I contemplate going to eat with them

When I’m eating in the food court & the cleaner is cleaning the table next to me I will make conversation with her & ask her how her day is going. Usually they’re shocked someone is talking to them

When I found microdosing 🍄 & how it helped my mental health I got soo many people onto it cause I believe we all need to feel healing

When I see something I like on a stranger I get excited to compliment them

& when I’m scrolling on Tik Tok I will like & comment on the posts with little views just to make them feel seen & just as important

And when I see a new series or movie come out I will share it with that friend that I think will enjoy it

When I listen to a podcast about healing I think about all the people that could benefit from that advice as I learn that good advice

I want to help everyone but I don’t know how to & I’m not sure If people care about getting better as much as I want them to.

I do all of this I lay in bed and wonder if I’m a good person, i worry about everything & everyone or who I haven’t replied to, it’s like is there anything I do for myself without feeling the need to share it with someone else or even think about myself & just be in the present moment & have that just for me 🫶🏼 with my own thoughts about myself without worrying about anyone else or being kind only to myself ❤️

[softdaisie]

i think society’s obsession with productivity will be our downfall, it’s unrealistic. you don’t need to be productive every minute of the day. your body needs rest. it’s not natural to stay “grinding” or “hustling”. please don’t feel guilty about taking care of your body and taking a break when you need one.

[meowminola]

I want to grab this feeling and rip it out

Pull it out piece by piece with tweezers

Cut it off or shave it gone till I'm shorn and free

Purge it

Cough it up and vomit it out

But it is intangible

It is intangible and nothingness and void

It is a feeling I'm so tired of feeling cause the feeling itself is a lack of feeling

The more I'm aware of it the more I hate it

But if I ignore the void, the static, it grows.

So I try to distract myself.

I draw flowers and creatures on my cast

It still hurts but it's being worked on

It's still uncomfortable but I'm growing

It aches and it burns and it eats away at me

But

I'm

Getting

Better

Better at being me again.

[beautifullyunspoken]

I think I’ll always be depressed

I feel like I was always meant to walk around with this sadness in me, always looking for a way out but even when I find one I close the door on it, cause anything unfamiliar is unsafe, I tell people & myself I don’t want to be depressed anymore, but I don’t think that’s true, taking away my sadness feels like taking away apart of me, I don’t know who I am without it, I still find beauty in my sadness I don’t take things for granted & it makes me appreciate the good things more, the rain pours down but the sunsets are so beautiful, my soul hurts & is so tired but that’s what also gives me energy knowing I have endured the worst, I don’t think I’m meant to get rid of my sadness I think I’m meant to fall in love with it instead ❤️

[beautifullyunspoken]

I hate how I’m always in 2 Minds.. One I want a certain life & the other I don’t want a life at all, I dream and fantasise about both, but I don’t want to put the work into the life I want cause I did it so many times before and I’m just over the hurdles & also dealing with my dumb brain is exhausting enough, but also I’m scared of dying or attempting & it be really horrible or unsuccessful, so I just sit here wasting time feeling useless, guilty & stuck 😥😔💔

[ghoulsgoulsgouls]

“I am so sorry for hurting you while I was trying to hurt myself.”

[beautifullyunspoken]

And once again I put my trust into the wrong person, I told my deepest darkest secrets to the wrong person, I thought after having no faith and distrust in people it would be easy to pick up on anything unauthentic or anything that wasn’t genuine, I finally thought I had found a deep connection with someone which is so rare & now they’ve abandoned me without any reason or excuse

I already hate this world & everyone in it why the few people I like end up leaving with no explanation, my abandonment issues & trust issues have had enough that’s it I can’t do this anymore I won’t ever put my trust into another person again 😪 I am just a shell of emptiness with a broken heart 💔