The Dragon's Hoard @bibliofran - Tumblr Blog

I start studying archaeology (BA) in September. Do u have any erudite tips?

Hello, congratulations on starting your studies! I think most of the advice I have for you is about existing in a higher education environment rather than archaeology specific, with the possible exception of keeping your eye out for field schools.

The first and most important piece of advice I have is to communicate with your instructors. Speaking as an instructor, I am much happier to help you if 1) I already know who you are and the first time I am hearing from you is not when you need something, and 2) if you reach out for help before a due date passes or you get too deep in a hole. As long as your email is polite and professional, we are not going to be angry with you for asking for help.

Take advantage of what your school has to offer. Colleges and universities always have all sorts of events going on, and they can be fun, interesting, and good opportunities to meet people professionally and personally. Your school probably has a web page where they list events, and I recommend keeping an eye on it! This also goes for the health clinic and their free vaccinations and testings.

Time management is a learned skill. Start consciously developing it. High school is hyper structured whereas college is almost entirely free reign, and navigating this transition is one of the things I see students struggling with the most. Experiment with different strategies— setting calendar reminders, keeping a planner, turning off your phone, working in public— and figure out what works best for you.

Do not let academics be the only thing in your life. This may seem counterintuitive, but chances are, you're going to have a bad semester. When that happens, having other things that also bring you joy and bolster your self-worth will be incredibly important for your mental health. Likewise, it can be good to have friends in different circles. College friend groups occasionally implode and it can be very lonely if you have no one else.

Sleeping and eating well are so so so important. If you eat like shit and sleep like shit, you are going to feel like shit. This goes back to the fact that in an unstructured environment, it can be both easy and tempting to go off the rails. By all means, have a little fun and take the opportunities that are presented to you, but don't do so at the expense of your health.

I also have an #academic advice tag that has more posts about both college in general and archaeology specifically.

Go forth and prosper, -Reid

audkitty

Keep one day to yourself. This is your rest day. It’s for sleeping in, binging TV, going hiking, playing video games, or whatever else you do to relax. It is vital to carve out one day a week for yourself. Your homework can wait. Your reading can wait. Your health can’t.

chaotic-archaeologist

I'm Jewish, so Saturday (Shabbos) is my Me Day. But maybe your You Day depends on your schedule. Don't have classes on Wednesday? Congrats, that's your You Day. Maybe your You Day is actually one afternoon and the next morning. It's just gotta be 24 hours where you can Chill

buckets-of-dirt

There will be courses that are not required by your program that would nevertheless be a huge career asset to have taken. They might lead you to a specialization within your field or they might be an unwritten prerequisite for grad school. It is your job to find out what these are and take them.

Befriend upperclassmen and grad students in your department. Volunteer in your professors' labs. Learn from their mistakes wisdom. Ask them questions. They might have suggestions for which non-major courses to take, which prerequisites are technically optional, which field schools are worth applying to, any CRM companies in the area that hire summer students.

Do yourself a favour and buy a copy of Writing in Anthropology: A Brief Guide by Shan-Estelle Brown. It does a great job of breaking down and explaining the various types of writing you'll be expected to do for your anthropology courses. Do not assume your professors will tell you the difference between an annotated bibliography and a literature review (ask me how I know).

bibliofran

Also, if you can, take classes unrelated to your major that you find interesting. Look for things that sound fun when fulfilling general requirements.

See if your college (or community) offers low-credit, low time-commitment courses. My college called them ExCo (Experimental College) courses, and they offered everything from massage to spinning to heraldry.

Try different clubs and social groups. Look for student concerts and theater productions. Some of them will be bad. Some will not be to your taste. Some will be amazing!

You might find a new hobby or minor or even a topic to specialize in for your degree. Try different things!

#academic advice #experiment!

devilspanties

07/17/2026 Paying more for Private Prisons than for Private Homes. https://thedevilspanties.com/archives/17113 Support us on Patreon!

bibliofran

This!! Also, what if we made the toxic aspects of capitalism that cause most homelessness illegal, instead of punishing people who are just trying to survive?

#homelessness #prison #valuing all people #radical concepts #toxic capitalism

vampireapologist-archive-deacti

ppl are so annoying “you can’t paint ur bedroom pink you’re an adult” i did not spend my entire life waiting to grow up and control my life to paint my bedroom beige

hojolove

I had a sales woman in furniture store try and tell me not to buy a hot bubblegum pink loveseat because she wanted me to “think about the future”

Bitch, I am thinking about the future. I already got a hot bubblegum pink couch at home and now I need a loveseat to go with it.

madgastronomer

when I first bought my house, I announced my decision to paint my bedroom purple. I had wanted a purple bedroom for thirty damn years, you fucking bet I was gonna have one now. My friends decided, for some reason, that I meant what one of them referred to as “14 year old girl purple” (through what’s wrong with the colors a 14 year old girl chooses, I don’t know, even if they’re not what I want as an adult). They didn’t believe me until they saw the color on the actual wall, even thought they helped me pick out paints. My mother, meanwhile, decided to get worried that if I painted my bedroom a “dark purple”, it would be “depressing”. As if, with an entire house to live in, I would spend all my time in the bedroom, which I wanted to be dark because I would be sleeping in there. In the damn dark.

I had like one, maybe two friends who were all like FUCK YEAH YOU PAINT IT WHATEVER COLOR YOU WANT, PURPLE BEDROOMS ARE AWESOME.

But when they actualy saw the finished bedroom, every single one of them was like, “Oh yeah, that’s really pretty.” (Well, the ones who supported me from the beginning were more like WOOHOO.)

And the moral of the story is: Fuck ‘em, please yourself. Either they’ll come around, or you can safely ignore every question of taste they opine about for the rest of time.

themintycupcake

This applies to other adulting activities, too. When I was a kid, I decided that I wanted to have a wedding cake made of doughnuts. When I got older, I figured that I would be “mature” about it and get a traditional cake, which the older adults approved of. Now that I’m 25 and facing the possibility of actual marriage in the near future, I’m just like “marriage is a social construct but it comes with tax & insurance benefits, so just give me that goddamn doughnut cake.” If they don’t like it then they don’t have to come to my wedding.

aridotdash

https://xkcd.com/150/

undanewneon

I would like you all to view my office. I’m thirty and my rainbow room is awesome, people can fight me

spuffybot

I’m thirty and my first big furniture purchase was a custom coffin shaped coffee table that opens up and is lined with purple crushed velvet. I would have loved it at 13 and I love it now. Growing up doesn’t mean you have to abandon what makes you happy.

idareu2bme

GROWING UP DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ABANDON WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

the-haiku-bot

GROWING UP DOESN’T

MEAN YOU HAVE TO ABANDON

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

shadesofmauve

I have told this story before, and I will tell it again, because I am An Old now and repeating stories forever is our prerogative:

When I bought my house, the kitchen was multiple shades of dingy white. It was dismal, but it was now mine! So went to the hardware store for paint (well, several trips, painted swatches on panel, etc — I’m very picky. But this was the final, ‘real’ trip). It was a busy day in the paint section. There were at least five people behind me in line.

Now, remember, latex paint is slightly lighter and brighter when wet than it is when dry. And I’d decided to paint my kitchen candy-apple red. The hardware store employee took my gallon off the Paint Jiggler and cracked it open to put a dab on the top, revealing the most incredibly deep pink, and behind me I hear the entire line of people say,

“Oh my god.”

…in perfect chorus.

I did not realize up until that moment that shocking a crowd of strangers with my paint color choices was a life goal, but at that moment I felt an absolutely overwhelming sense of achievement.

marlynnofmany

This is the door to my garage. It used to be white. Live your best life.

Mischief the cat says “Who goes there?”

Every visiting friend says “This is so cool.”

If you’re looking for an excuse to do some decorating that will make your soul sing, this entire thread is your sign to do it and don’t look back!

the-haiku-bot

This is the door to

my garage. It used to be

white. Live your best life.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

chennnington

I’m 35. I have been told my place looks like maybe a LP fan lives there.

Not sure what they mean.

dykepuffs

When I first moved into my place, I painted the spare room, that eventually became my office, lime green, the kind of lime green that glows down the corridor when I open the door - The colour was only available as an “accent colour” in the section of paints intended for children’s playrooms, and in the shop I got a lot of “Oh your son will love this!” And from people I knew I got a lot of “Oh well, you’re 21 now, you’re basically a teenager, this is a terrible idea, you’ll hate it and need to pull out all the furniture to repaint it.” And I have to report that I am now in my forties and my office still looks like this, and it makes me smile every time I see it.

marzipanandminutiae

this is such a modern idea, too

not decorating trends; those have always existed. but the idea that color and decoration is inherently childish

this is the dining room at the Eustis Estate in Milton, Massachusetts, from 1878 (where I used to work, briefly). the walls are TEXTURED MICA SHIMMER on a green background. Adult Space For Adults!

A jewelry shop in Paris c. 1901. kids can’t buy jewelry!

who can forget the classic 1950s colorful bathroom? I’m not a huge fan, but still! adult space! bright colors; decorative designs!

meanwhile “you’re immature if you like Art Nouveau” is a hot take I’ve really, seriously seen on this webbed site (only once, thank the gods). I don’t know who started this, but I’m going to kill them

taraljc

I think a lot of it stems from the ubiquitous Waterhouse prints that were sold on college campuses for 20 years. like why would I get a free pass if it were Monet instead Western culture is stupid. The entire point of being an adult is breakfast for dinner and cake for breakfast and dying with the most toys.

catgirlralsei

instantly decided to reblog when i got to GROWING UP DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ABANDON WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

beatrice-otter

The examples of decorated homes above are both either modern or upper class, which makes it easy to dismiss because “sure the rich people have beautiful homes” and “sure, modern middle-class people have lots of color in their homes.”

So here’s two examples of traditional Norwegian farmhouse interiors. You know. The kinds of places peasants live in.

This type of painting is called “rosemaling” and today you usually find it on, like, carved wooden bowls and such that are only used for decoration. But back two centuries ago, it was very common to find the interiors of homes covered in it, in projects that were painted little by little over the decades. Because it’s beautiful to look at, paint is the cheapest way of decorating your house, and what else are you going to do on the long winter nights when it’s too dark and cold to work outdoors?

But mostly, they did it because it made them happy, and it was beautiful.

Those old peasants were on to something, I think.

destinationtoast

I painted rooms in my house these colors and some people had doubts:

I have been SO HAPPY.

vaspider

My wife painted the walls of my studio ORANGE. Glorious sunset orange.

I have always wanted a room that was an amazing color and this one is mine.

awfulhorrid

When we decided it was time to paint our home, we wanted something that very much marked it as ours. I think we accomplished that!

bibliofran

Also, when we moved in, we painted the bedroom in dark green and two shades of blue. It has a wonderful plants-water-sky feel! When we had work done on the kitchen and needed to have one wall repainted, we had it done in sage green.

Fill your world with color and things you enjoy!

#color #be happy

bbprincessheather

queerliblib

on it 🫡 🌈 📚

certifiedlibraryposts

Certified Library Post

bibliofran

I'm doing my best to keep libraries free, queer, and weird!

thedailyelm

“Voting for the lesser of two evils doesn’t work.”

How would you know? It’s never been tried for long enough.

Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and Kamala Harris all lost.

Biden won, but most people spent his entire presidency shitting on him and giving him absolutely no credit for his successes, which were MANY. (If you need a refresher: RFMA, PACT Act, Chips and Science, Inflation Reduction Act, Bipartisan Infrastructure Act, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson etc.)

You can’t say “vote blue no matter who” and “vote for the lesser of two evils” doesn’t work if you refuse to ever give it a chance of working.

Also I hate that phrase “lesser of two evils” when we’re talking about someone who supports unions and immigrants and healthcare and food assistance and queer rights and voting rights over someone who is literally trying to end us all.

And the lesser of two evils is, by definition, BETTER.

It’s like the difference between a wound with a bit of an infection, and literal death. Those aren’t comparable.

Democrats are not perfect and no one has ever claimed otherwise, but they are making lasting change. It’s slow and it’s not linear , but it is happening.

Pro forced birth Democrats have been all but forced out the party. Same with anti-gay Democrats AND anti-trans Democrats. You don’t see many Dems supported by the NRA at all anymore. And all Dems believe in the climate crisis.

This was NOT a given even 10 years ago.

Democrats are not becoming more conservative. They’re becoming less. Across the board. Progressive policies have become a deal breaker.

This is what you’re saying is one of “two evils”?

Give me a break.

Do you want things to get better or do you want to scream “perfection only!” and watch it get worse?

Cause that’s what we’re living right now.

We’re living in a refusal to vote for and celebrate the successful harm reduction, or “lesser of two evils,” as you say.

There are rarely examples where we actually get to see what happens if the “lesser of two evils” wins.

And the thing is, when they win, they’re shit on so successfully that we lose next time. Again, Biden.

They do something, or many many things right and the goal post gets moved, again and again.

In the end, the only knowledge anyone has of their actions is that they can’t do anything right.

That’s a dangerous way of seeing the world.

I know this cause we are living it.

What is happening right now is a product of that way of thinking.

I don’t need to find statistics or read a report cause this is our reality.

This is what happens when people refuse to vote for and celebrate the wins of “the lesser of two evils.”

When people choose a candidate in the primary who has no chance of a snowball in hell of winning and then complain and don’t vote when a candidate they REALLY didn’t like becomes the party nominee.

This is our life.

We don’t have to imagine it.

And yet, the mantra hasn’t changed. The goalpost keeps being moved. Dems don’t get any credit for doing ANYTHING right. People spread demands that are literally impossible and convince other people that they are not only possible, but easy. And enough people refuse to vote for harm reduction that the harm is constantly increased.

Perfection is the enemy of progress. That’s not just a catchy phrase, it’s a fact.

If Al Gore had won, we would be A LOT further along on climate than we are now, and we would not have gone into Iraq.

If Hillary Clinton had won, we wouldn’t have lost the Supreme Court. We would still have Roe and affirmative action and the VRA and the Chevron Doctrine.

If Kamala Harris had won, we wouldn’t be at war with Venezuela and Iran and possibly Cuba and maybe Greenland? Trans people would not be attacked at the federal level. Immigrants would not be kidnapped off the streets. We would still have the Department of Education and labor and a DoJ that doesn’t do the president’s bidding.

THIS is the result of refusing to vote for and support the lesser of two evils, WE ARE LIVING IT!

So maybe going forward we stop. We give a chance for the lesser of two evils to actually work. To scream from the rooftops every time they do right thing. We don’t just vote for it once, but do so over at least a decade.

Cause we’ve tried your way. It hasn’t worked. This exact moment that you are reading this post is proof of that.

So let’s try this way, for once. Let’s give this country a fighting chance at actual progress.

PLEASE?

bibliofran

Instead of voting for the "lesser of two evils," think of it as voting for the best option you have. That may not be the perfect candidate. (Because the perfect candidate doesn't really exist.) It may not be your first choice. (Because not everyone's first choice will make it to the ballot.) But you can vote for the best available.

Also, please vote your entire ballot! Anti-trans state legislation means some states aren't safe for my nesting partner to visit. Books are still being removed from school and public libraries across the country. Do what you can to protect your community!

#vote #US politics

micdotcom

bibliofran

Vote.

Check your registration in advance. Make a plan for how to get your ballot and return it on time, and/or how to get to your polling place. Ask for help if you need it -- there are organizations to help you register, and learn about candidates, and get you to your polling place.

Vote.

Your vote matters. Anyone who says otherwise is trying to keep you from voting or has fallen victim to people who want to keep you from voting. Your vote is important. Your voice is important.

Vote.

#vote #get out the vote

fatsexybitch

🔪 knife stop 🔪

Take a knife or two to complete any tasks you need to finish soon. Reblog to give your mutuals a knife for any group projects you may be working on

#i actually have one #like that blue-handled knife #on the left

xochihuacoyotl

so. not to doxx myself (i've talked about this here before though) but i live in Kansas. and my license was just revoked very suddenly and immediately because i'm trans and had changed my gender marker.

so now i cannot legally drive or vote until/unless i let them force me to carry around a card that misgenders me and outs me as trans, because i certainly don't look female anymore.

xochihuacoyotl

so hey if you have the means and want to help with any of this, please consider donating to the ACLU of Kansas because they are at least going to try to do something to push back against this, and i'm such a panicky wreck that the only thing i can do to get through my immediate gut reaction to having my license revoked tonight (i cannot stress enough that i received the letter today saying that my license is no longer valid tomorrow) is focus on the fact that there's at least one entity trying to protect me and my fellow trans kansans.

faggotfungus

More info on what's been happening in Kansas:

"The legislature did not include a grace period."

xochihuacoyotl

Topeka, KS – Two transgender residents of Kansas have filed a lawsuit in state court challenging a new state law that immediately invalidate

#well crap

liberalsarecool

Stay engaged. VOTE! The fight never ends. 💙🌊

Getting rid of Mike Johnson as Speaker will end the GOP protection of right wing men who rape, abuse, and punish children.

breelandwalker

LIKE TO CHARGE, VOTE TO CAST

(Go to Ballotpedia for midterm voting information and get involved!)

bibliofran

Remember that spring primaries are coming up fast in much of the United States. Make sure you're registered and start voting! Also, vote your whole ballot -- your state's governor, your city's mayor, even the people on your local school board can have a big impact on your life and community.

#US politics #vote #gotv

bugdotpng

absolutely boggles my mind how so many social media sites do NOT want you scrolling without an account. can't even click on an instagram profile while not being logged in without it blocking you. even if you put it in the url, it only lets you scroll like twice before it prompts you to log in. fucking youtube won't let me watch videos on my phone anymore because i use firefox focus and don't want to log in every time i wanna watch a video so it's instead flagged me as a bot. i also think social media sites are drastically overestimating how badly i "need" to use their sites. if you won't let me browse someone's profile or watch a damn video on the Browsing Profiles and Watching Videos social media sites then i will simply leave. the power of chucking your phone into the metaphorical ocean. i hope i hurt their metrics every time i close out of a tab <3

bibliofran

Exactly! Requiring me to have a Facebook account to see more than the first few posts on someone's feed doesn't make me want a Facebook account. It just means that businesses that don't have a real website are a lot less likely to get my money.

#social media #capitalism #crapitalism

devilspanties

02/01/2026 https://thedevilspanties.com/archives/16933 Support us on Patreon!

bibliofran

Congress and the courts, it is literally your job to say, "No!" on crap like this. Start doing your job, or we'll find someone who will.

#US politics #balance of power

queeranarchism

If this is your first round on the 'US uses blatantly false evidence as an excuse to attack a country for purely selfish reasons' track, then let me save you a lot of future embarrassment:

You don't need to try to become a public expert on Venezuela or Maduro based on reading half the Wikipedia page or scrolling the Bluesky tags. You don't need to state any opinion on the former political situation of Venezuela at all. It's okay for now to admit that you know fuck all about it, or to just not speak on it.

An opinion like 'The US shouldn't use blatantly false evidence as an excuse to attack a country for purely selfish reasons' is a full opinion that doesn't require knowing exactly what was up in the country being attacked.

Don't fall for the temptation of 'the enemy of my enemy must be a friend, so I'm gonna get on their hill and write minimally-informed stuff about how great they are'. Trust me, you're gonna feel very silly about that later.

bibliofran

Honestly, even "The US shouldn't use blatantly false evidence as an excuse to attack a country," is enough.

#Venezuela #us foreign relations #history repeats itself

darkfyretheumbrawitchisback-dea

RABBITS! RABBITS! RABBITS!

Reblog this on the first of the month for good luck all month long!

theconcealedweapon

knowing-smile

In the years after the US Environmental Protection Agency was founded, the agency dispatched photographers to document pollution and contami

Formaldehyde, brick dust, lead, and borax once made grocery shopping a minefield.

Shit used to be wild, and this is just what I could find that had decent sources, I've heard a lot more horror stories.

I'm not excited to live in a word without regulation. 🙃

bogleech

"Regulations don't exist because governments enjoy them" is an important statement here. The government has to spend money and labor to enforce regulations. The government has to be begged for years and sometimes threatened by the American people into even creating the regulations. The people with the money want you to believe regulations are "BIG GOVERNMENT INFRINGING ON OUR FREEDOMS" so you'll help them undo the regulations your grandparents had to force that same government to install in the first fucking place. They count on you being ignorant of the past so they can make another round of dirty money by poisoning you all over again.

ladypoetess

In 2025 I made it a point to read [The Poison Squad by Deborah Blum], all about Dr. Harvey Wiley, a government scientist, and his crusade against the adulterated foods as described above. It was eye opening and terrifying lemme tell ya. If you want to read about what life was like here in the US before we had sensible food regulation, grab a copy from your library and read it. I bet you'll be as horrified as I was.

bibliofran

"Regulations don't exist because governments enjoy them" applies to every area of health and safety. Fight to keep government regulations working for you!

#health #safety #government regulations

devilspanties

12/29/2025 Tax them or Eat them. Pick One. https://thedevilspanties.com/archives/16892 Support us on Patreon!

bibliofran

Seriously, people with a net worth of one billion dollars or more should get a certificate that says, "I won capitalism," and be taxed 100% of their net worth over $1B.

(Don't eat the rich though. You can get really nasty diseases from eating people.)

#TaxingTheRich #taxes #capitalism #tw: cannibalism

lild3m0nsworld

sweetlikeacherry

to anyone reading this: be proud of yourself for continuing on— even when you thought you couldn’t hold on any longer. I see you, I love you, and I am routing for you every step of the way.

bibliofran

I'm glad you're still here!

#tw: suicide #hope #mental health

sixpenceee

“A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.”

(Source)

geostatonary

“HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON. I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.”

“NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO? PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?”

“PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.”

“LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON. ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES? THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE. YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“

erinnightwalker

I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia.

One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless.

For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura.

When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch.

erinnightwalker

I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats.

What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.)

The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words.

The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel.

Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music.

Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.)

After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss.

“……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.”

“No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!”

“WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.”

“What the hell does that mean?!!”

“DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.”

“……..”

“THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.”

acaffeinejunkie-deactivated2019

Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this….

erinnightwalker

Since you asked nicely ^_^

Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job.

After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.)

Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it.

Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.)

He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound.

“You….you alright there buddy?”

“Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “

“Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?”

“Right. Um. Well.”

Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form.

When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window.

Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges.

“Nice night for it, huh?”

“…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “

“Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?”

“Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.”

“ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“Anytime.”

There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son.

When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included).

ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter

IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!!

erinnightwalker

Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally.

Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.)

While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.)

So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy.

When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open.

A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps.

“GACK!”

“NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?”

“GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!”

“I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?”

“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?”

“Is he supposed to be…..skinless?”

“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.”

“…….laPDOG?!”

“YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.”

“……”

“THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.”

A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces.

“NEIGHBOR STEVE?”

“Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?”

“I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.”

Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten.

Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”)

othersideofforty

This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash

karacat

OMIGOSH I’m in love.

ebonykain

I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS

bibliotecaria-d

This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.

royalchachi-deactivated20221129

We need more of Antler Guy and Neighbour Steve

thestudyinghedgehog

So one day Son comes home from school and goes straight to his room without speaking. Hell Wife and Sharon confer over tea and scones, and it’s revealed that Timmy is also shut away in his room.

Neither mother can get a word out of the boys, and after a quick word with Steve (who is busy trying to train Clifford to stop slobbering on his shoes), the mothers go to Antler Guy for advise, since he has a good relationship with both boys.

Antler Guy listens attentively to the women. “I WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS. THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD ATTEND YOUR BOOK CLUB.”

Sharon is dubious, but Hell Wife assures her that Antler will fix things.

When the women are gone, Antler Guy waves his long, spindly fingers, and the two boys appear before him. Both look sullen and teary eyed. Antler Guy observes them silently. “They pushed Timmy,” Son explains in a small voice. “I told them to leave him alone but… They called me…” Antler waits silently. “Freak,” Timmy supplies in a whisper. Antler Guy looks between the two boys, then lifts one in each vine-writhed arm.

He takes the two boys to the ether, showing them various hellish sights including a homunculous type creature that has a cold and sprays acid every time it sneezes, a cat that’s twice the height of Antler and picks Timmy up by the neck like a kitten.

Both boys have a great time and return home in high spirits. Steve goes out into the garden to find out what happened. (He’s been defeated by Clifford and decides he’ll just get new shows and hide them).

“I MUST LEAVE FOR AN HOUR OR TWO,” Antler Guy tell Steve after a brief explanation.

Steve looks puzzled. “It’s getting pretty late, Guy,” he points out.

Antler Guy merely inclines his head and stalks into the night in long, surprisingly graceful strides.

The next day, Steve listens to Timmy babbling about how the boys who had been mean to him and Son the previous day had left them alone. Timmy stops and looks baffled. “Actually, any time we looked at them they ran away.”

Steve has suspicions of where Antler Guy had gone on his late night stroll.

erinnightwalker

(Ohmigosh, someone added, I’m so excited! :D)

Time passes, as time does (which for Earth is generally somewhat faster than The Dimension That Smells Of Shrimp, and slower That One Wibbley Place With Murderous Flying Potato Crisps- Timmy was allowed to select human-dialect names, and Antler Guy refuses to change them. He says they are far more pleasant than the terms he used to use.)

Fluffy remains on the small side. This in no way impedes her rule of the neighborhood. In order of preference, her resting places include the top of Antler Guy’s head, Hellwife’s ample lap, and wherever else she damn well pleases. (The deathshade vines have a healthy respect for her, all of Clifford’s six-foot-plus frame is terrified of her, and she actively conspires with Aubergine. The prior pets of Steve and Sharon, Mr. Paws- a mild mannered netutered tom of advanced years- and Puggles- his nearly as elderly pug cohort- are ignored with royal disdain. Which suits them fine, they’d much rather be made much of by Aubergine, and relax in the gentle, soothing warmth of Clifford’s flames.)

Within short order, her routine is established. The neighborhood, and neighbors, know better than to mess with the White Puffball of Doom (one of Timmy’s better efforts) on her daily patrols. In return, her rule is moderately benevolent.

So when she goes missing, literally no one has any idea where she has gone.

It starts with Antler Guy striding through the neighborhood, making a peculiar call somewhat akin to a humpback whale with a headcold. When that produces no results, he starts asking. Very earnestly. Very. Earnestly. He even folds himself up enough to take tea with Mrs. Giotto, the resident cat lady. He emerges with a delightful recipe for snickerdoodles, but no information.

Steve knows something is wrong when he starts getting texts at work. By the end of shift, he’s inundated with calls, texts, voicemails, and a singing telegram sent by one particularly frazzled neighbor, whose message was only “HELP.” His boss is not pleased.

He almost expects it when Antler Guy materializes as soon as he shuts his car door. He still almost craps himself.

“Hi Guy, what’s up-”

“FLUFFY. FLUFFY IS MISSING.”

“Really? Have you tried looking in Mr. Manz-”

“YES. TWICE.”

“Oh, ok, well, let’s try-”

“NeIGhbor SteVE!”

“Hellwife?”

“FLuffY Is MissINg!”

“Well yes, Guy just told me-”

“STEVE!”

“Sharon?!”

They decide to move the confabulation into Sharon’s kitchen. (A quick phone call to Beatrice assures that a) the sleepover of the Triad is going smoothly, b) the news of Fluffy’s disappearance hasn’t made it there yet, and c) it won’t until further news is secured.) Sharon has called on her information network to no avail, Hellwife has questioned every plant in a five block radius, and Antler Guy is distraught. Apparently he cannot feel Fluffy, which means she is either dead or out of his range. (”AND SHE WOULD NOT BE SO UNCARING AS TO NOT RETURN HOME IF DEAD, SHE IS A VERY LOVING MAMMAL.”)

Steve is quiet. Steve is thinking. Steve….has an idea.

“Guy?”

“YES?”

“Exactly what constitutes your range?”

“ALL OF THE ENVIRONS OF HELL, NEIGHBOR STEVE.”

“So……when we run out of flamingos, right?”

Clifford is supplied with a squeaky sorta-looks-like-a-mouse-don’t-ask-so-many-questions toy belonging to Fluffy. The direction he doesn’t want to go is the way they head. They decide that cramming Antler Guy into Steve’s Prius would be unhelpful, sunroof or not, so up on Antler Guy’s shoulders Steve goes. (Steve has always wanted to try it, in his heart of hearts. Its everything Timmy described and more.)

They set out, following the cringing hellhound. Even cringing and following the scent of the Feared Fluffy Thing, Clifford has some speed. (It helps that both Steve and Sharon explained the situation, via Aubergine.) In the space of perhaps an hour and a half, they hit the end of Antler Guy’s range.

Literally. If Steve hadn’t had a deathgrip on Antler Guy’s horn’s he’d have gone flying.

“NEIGHBOR STEVE, I CAN GO NO FARTHER.”

“Ugh, kinda got that Guy….”

Steve slithers off and looks at Antler Guy. He’s pushing at the air like there’s a forcefield. (There isn’t. Steve checks, just to be safe.) So, after a short conversation with Clifford, Antler Guy waits next to the last flamingo as Steve rides his big, red, skinless flaming dog onwards. (Steve had wanted to try this since he first read the Clifford books.) (Well, something close to it anyway.)

It is a measure of the surrealness of his day to day life that he isn’t surprised by the gate guarded by gun-toting gentlemen. Nor by the flurry of activity he and his dog raise by jumping it. A short, balding fellow in a Very Important Labcoat comes out of the concrete building and gives shrill orders to “apprehend that vile extra-planar sympathizer and his hideous creature”. As Clifford starts drooling green flames as he snarls, no one seems particularly interested in following his orders.

Luckily, a man riding a walking nightmare and then a hellhound garners attention. Specifically, a shitton to social media attention (and no few memes). And the government, unsurprisingly, monitors the areas inhabited by its extra-planar citizens very closely. So before the standoff gets beyond the tense stage and into the itchy trigger finger stage, a swarm of black SUV’s hit the scene.

Steve sits serene upon his noble steed as the wave of black suits descend. In record time the labcoat is escorted away, the guards are pacified, and an ominously growling cat carrier is presented to Steve. Clifford lets out a tremulous “BOOF?”, to which the carrier “Mrowls?”. Steve opens the carrier (the guards, as one, flinch- some of their compatriots are still in medical from trying to get the damn thing IN the carrier), and Fluffy walks out, dignified as the queen she is. She kneads Clifford’s head (without claws, for once), and settles in.

They make a strange parade returning, the dog and the biggest, shiniest, and most ominous of the SUV’s. (Strangely, all pictures taken of the cavalcade go mysteriously missing.) Antler Guy doesn’t care- as soon as he’s in range, Fluffy jumps to his head and purrs ferociously.

When the suits try to talk to him, he brushes them off, preferring to murmur in hair-raising tongues to his cat, who is still purring fit to split and is trying to groom his antlers. Steve sighs.

“What do you guys need? They’ll be busy for a while.”

“Well Mr. Anderson, we would like to offer our condolences at this unfortunate occurrence, and tender our assurances that it will never happen again.”

“Uh-huh.”

“We would also like to ascertain Mr……?”

“Antler Guy Abomination.”

“……Beg pardon?”

“Antler Guy Abomination. That’s what my son named him.”

“……”

“Technically he named him Antler Guy when he first saw him.”

“…………..”

“Abomination came later, when Son needed a name for that standardized testing stuff.”

“…..your son attends school with his offspring?”

“Yep. They’re at a sleepover right now. Sharon’s probably baking brownies with Hellwife. They’re both stress bakers.”

The suits have a whispered conference. Two short phone calls later, the suit with the shiniest pair of sunglasses has an offer for Steve.

Steve’s official title is Extra-Planar Liaison. Sharon calls it Neighbor Herding. Steve doesn’t care about the title. He gets twice his previous salary plus full benefits to ensure the smoothness of Antler Guy’s “integration in the fabric of human society”, which means all the things he was doing, plus field trips into other planes of reality. (Fluffy is fond of the gigantic mother cat; Clifford tries to eat the homunculi’s acid snot and regrets it immediately).

themarydragon

I didn’t know I needed this in my life.

ribstongrowback

Now the thing about being an official Liaison for the Government is that you have to do monthly reports. Most of Steve’s reports are quite colourful, and sometimes quite unnerving to write, as they require a quite creepy amount of details, but Steve draws the line at what happens in his neighbours bedroom and what goes on between their offspring.

Still, every month Hellwife makes him a nice suit with the silk she produces (because Clifford keeps ruining them) and he goes to a meeting where he has to seat through hours of questions and examination. Those are boring as hell, and the chairman is a pain, always treating him with obvious disdain and a tinsey-winsey bit of full blown bigotry. This severe man staring at him from the other side of the interrogators-filled room, hidden behind a little bonsaï as pale and lanky as he is. It’d be fine if most of the people out of the Neighborhood who Know about his job didn’t treat him that way.

This made Steve quite depressed indeed.

And one day, as he comes home with a face so long you could wrap the whole Empire State Building in it, Antler Guy calls him out on it.

“ARE YOU QUITE ALRIGHT NEIGHBOR STEVE?”

“Oh. Guy. No, I’m not.”

Antler Guy extends his claws and taps Steve lightly on the shoulder.

“WOULD IT HELP TO EXPRESS WHAT IS WRONG?”

“No… Well… Not that you could do anything about it anyway.”

“ONE CAN TRY.”

And he would sigh.

“One sure can… Well, this new Liaison job I got? I hate it. Sure it’s fun to travel dimensions with you and all that, but whenever I’m out of our little, say ‘hell-comfort zone, I feel everyone staring daggers at me, like I’m some kind of hellspawn, no offense.”

“NONE TAKEN. WELL, WOULD IT HELP IF SOMEONE CAME WITH YOU, NEIGHBOR STEVE?”

And Steve would sigh again.

“It sure would, but I’m forbidden from bringing anyone to the office.”

“WHAT ABOUT CLIFFORD? YOU COULD ARGUE THAT IT IS NOT LEGALLY ‘ONE’ SINCE IT IS NOT A PERSON IN LEGAL TERMS AND ADD THAT IT’D HELP YOUR DEMONSTRATIONS.”

“Nice try buddy, but no, animals are forbidden.”

And they would both sigh, which in Antler Guy’s case sounds strangely like the long drawn out cries for help of tormented souls. But suddenly, Antler Guy raises his head and asks:

“ANIMALS… YES… BUT WHAT ABOUT PLANTS?”

And that is how Aubergine went to the Pentagon. Since Antler Guy couldn’t go, they brought along his lawyer friend from the Homeowner’s Association on the first day in order to explain how it was perfectly legal, and authorised. Surprisingly, it went pretty well, save for the fact that some people got attached to Aubergine and now Steve has to get her to quit smoking, and also that one embarrassing time she ate the chairman’s bonsaï for “looking at her funny”.

bibliofran

Yay! It's been a while since I saw Antler Guy. I'm reblogging in case anyone who follows me hasn't seen him lately either.

#Antler Guy #And Steve #weirdness

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