It’s totally okay if you don’t know how to respond to this, you just always seem to know what you’re doing and I trust you, so I decided I’d try asking about your thoughts on it. This isn’t quite a vent, it’s more just trying to figure something out
Do you have any advice for like… socially interacting with people? Specifically: I struggle a lot with this weird thing where like, I’ll be talking with a person, and we’ll get through all the precursory
“hey how are you?” “I’m good, how about you?” stuff. And if neither of us have something we’re excited about or a topic we can discuss for a good amount of time, it kind of just dies. I want to say something, but it feels like I can see the words in my mind through a cloud of fog and get the idea of them, but can’t figure out what exactly they are, and therefore can’t figure out how to say them.
And while I’m trying to figure that out, the other person is waiting in awkward silence, which eventually ends in them going to find someone else to talk to before I can find the words. To compensate for this, I’ve tried just starting up a random completely un-related subject to try and spark a discussion, but that just ended in more awkwardness and either got no response at all, or a very weirded out and half-hearted one. So… how far into “random” territory can a conversation starter get before it feels uncomfortable and out-of-the-blue when it’s dead silence and there isn’t already a subject at hand? How do people start and carry on conversations in general?
Sometimes it feels perfectly easy, and I’m completely in my element, and other times I’m a completely different person. Also I’m really not sure if doing this is even good for me, because I’ve heard over and over to always be true to yourself and never change yourself to make others happy, but like… if I don’t do that, if I don’t pretend to be confident and funny (I usually fail at those anyway but that’s the best option) then I become invisible and people start ignoring me. I can never tell if people are purposely trying to ignore me, if my voice isn’t as loud as I think it is and they just didn’t hear it, or if silence is just their way of replying and I’m reading too much into it.
I don’t know, it feels like everyone has secretly been going to an extra class on how to be a person and I never heard about it, so I have to catch up and figure it out by guessing. Things like wondering if I’m stupid because I don’t know the names of people I’ve never met but they know me, or trying to figure out what is socially acceptable or not, never being able to get references to things I’ve never seen because apparently EVERYONE has seen them. Do I really have to be on TikTok and insta and YouTube or whatever all the time to be able to get human connection? Am I the problem or is it just that everyone’s used to being on the internet? But like, everyone will seem super awkward and uncomfortable around me, but then I’ll see them talking with literally anyone else and they’ll be perfectly at home, so I’m guessing it’s the first option.
And that’s the big question: trying to figure out what the frick is wrong with me ✨✨✨✨✨✨ is my voice too nasally? Because I can’t trust my own perception of myself anymore. Are my interests too niche? Am I just inexperienced? Do I look weird? Do I smile too much or too little? Am I just out of practice? Am I perfectly normal and just over analyzing everying? I genuinely can’t tell and I can’t Ask people because that’s 1. Socially unacceptable (I’m pretty sure) and 2. I can’t trust their answer anyway because I can’t tell if they’re lying to me or not. When I try to guess how people feel about me, I go based off of how I think I’d perceive myself if I met myself, and none of it would be good. And like, I tell white lies all the time every day to spare people’s feelings, so therefore I can never be sure if they’re doing the same or not. But no one is the same and everyone likes different things, but there are occasionally some things lots of us agree on, and…. Agh, I don’t know.
I feel like I’m also just very bd at thinking before I say stuff, because I have to say SOMETHING before I keep them waiting too long, but honestly sometimes it’s just worse than if I’d stayed silent. And I don’t know how to both think about what I’m going to say first, AND say something funny or positive or engaging. Also, applying theater class to real life (my teacher would be proud) I’ve been told that I tend to overact and make my characters seem fake, and after watching a video I took with my friend, I have concluded I also do that in real life too. My movements are way too exaggerated and big, but I’ve also been told that if they AREN’T big then no one will see them on stage from far away, so like… does THAT apply to real life? And how do I find the middle ground between too big movements and too small?
Actually I think my general problem is that I just can’t find an in between for anything. Everything’s on either one end of the scale or the other. I’m either super shy or super loud, and I ping pong between the two with no rhyme or reason. I’m either kinda, or the worst person in the world. I’m either well liked, or well hated. I’m either smart, or so stupidly dumb it’s almost comedic. And I can never find the middle ground.
(Also yes, I have very much considered autism. I can neither confirm nor deny the allegations)
So yeah, hopefully at least some of that made sense, and absolutely no pressure to respond 🙂 I’m just trying to get someone else’s opinion because my perception of the world is very warped and I don’t know how to fix that.
Hope you have a great day!
Hey there buddy, it’s gonna be alright.
You’re not stupid for not getting all the references. Nobody gets ALL the references. You just didn’t happen to see that particular meme and that’s fine. As someone who wasn’t on the internet until college, I feel ya big time. This one gets easier though. As you get older and start interracting with a broader set of people from different backgrounds, not everybody’s gonna know the same jokes and there will be a lot less pressure to. Once you’re no longer in school, absolutely nobody cares. Just wait this one out and don’t beet yourself up about it.
As far as the whole ‘acting confident vs being yourself’ type deal goes: confidence is a skill that everybody could use some practice in. I’ll admit, the separation between ‘the true self’ and ‘the mask’ can be pretty complicated, especially for autistic people, but as long as you’re not lying I think you’re on the healthier side of the line.
For example: I’m more of an introvert, but I like having friends, so I’ve gotta push myself a little to interact with people even though it doesn’t come completely naturally. Things like good conversation, small talk, and making friends are social skills that need practice. And for some people like me, that practice has to be a bit more intentional because I’m not naturally good at those things. On the other hand, going as far as lying about what you like and don’t like because you want to fit in with people will wear you out and end up making you feel more isolated in the long run. Been there, done that.
Good rule of thumb: be the person you want to be and enjoy being, even if being that person takes a bit of conscious thought and effort.
As far as conversation starters/continuers go, back in middle school I started coming up with a question of the day to be able to ask people I wanted to talk to. Mine were always kinda zany like “if you could have a super power, what would it be?” “If you could create a planet, what would it be like?” or “If you were to be stranded on a deserted island with a fictional character, who would you want to be stranded with?” I’d always preface it with “Random question of the day is…” and that seemed to mitigate a bit of that confused whiplash reaction from changing the subject. The important thing about the questions is that they were open ended and allowed a lot of room for follow up questions (“ooooo, that would be a really cool power! Why’d you pick that one?”)
In general, people like talking about themselves, so as long as you’re asking questions they’ll keep the conversation going.
You’re gonna be ok. You just need practice. Things aren’t always gonna go perfectly smoothly and occasionally there will be awkwardness, but it won’t be the end of the world and the more you do it the less scary it gets. I still make conversational flubs and get embarrassed, but then I remind myself nobody died, nobody was injured, nothing bad actually happened, and I move on. You’ve got this buddy. Just keep workin at it and you WILL find people that are easier to talk to.
