s.e.

inner thoughts I'm tired of crying, venting, and thinking about 24/7

[hamoodmood-deactivated20250309]

In another universe I was happy

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yeahyeahyeah "worrying about the future is pointless" until you wake up years from now, in the same time frame you were worrying about, still sad in miserable because you were too busy trying to take everyone's advice and "live in the moment" and taking it "one day at a time"

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Just binged an entire can of cinnamon rolls and called it dinner, now what 🫠

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how the f am I supposed to live my life forever being attracted to men, the boyfriend/hubby material men I'm attracted to but don't even look twice at me...

So I settle on the ones that I originally am willing to give a chance but really end up being trash and overall disappointed

so my question is how do I live with knowing most all men are trash, cheat and/or are wildly perverted and are seemingly incapable of feeling true love and respect for a woman? I don't date like that. When I tried, it's all on these damn apps that I hate so much and I never wanna go on there again but I FEAR it's my only option. meeting new people irl in this modern world is borderline impossible unless you're going to bars and clubs and I'd rather break all ten toes than meet ANYONE other than a fellow girlie in that environment

I want a meet cute :( I want a guy who fucking truly cares and backs it up with his ACTIONS and COMMUNICATION

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2am vents. Anyways went to a gym for the first time in over 3 years...this is one of the many miserable things in my life that I can use to fuel my workouts. Sifting through my fitness pinterest boards because I need structure and routine and have seemingly forgot how to simply work out.

Also 2 nights ago I bought so much junk food. It's just sitting in bags in my room. If I'm working out what place will they serve? That's where the regret sets in and I know I have to change.

Been in a prolonged depression rut lately so maybe this is a step out of it? (Am I truly ever out of a rut?)

I have like no groceries that will actually fuel my body other than like protein shakes (and previously mentioned junk food) so now I'm like, clueless because there's my ortho, restricting, and binge eating all screaming inside of me.

Like now I need help actually eating the right foods to help my fitness progress and idk where to begin lol

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how i feel laying in bed watching food theorists goldfish cracker lore after getting drunk off 2 buzzballz and *NOT binging* on tortellini and blocking my ex (of 9 months) on everything without warning 2 nights ago:

🥴

hopefully this is a new chapter in healing

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Lol one week ago I had a draft saying "I could cry tears of joy right now"

I didn't elaborate or post it because I didn't wanna speak too soon and I guess it's a good thing I didn't ha HA

So yeah, I turned 26 last week. Didn't expect a big scene, don't really enjoy a ton of attention. But still just want to feel loved. As usual, my blood relatives (mom and sis) kinda disappointed me but that's also not unusual.

My grandma, and 2 of like my only friends did make me feel wonderful with flowers, a balloon, and personalized gifts, a night out, a book, and good company.

My mom, the morning after my bday as I'm waking up to go to work, hands me a card with 3 gift cards in it, and circled the printed part in the card where it said "you'll never know how much I love and how proud I am of you". My sister, texted me and said she'll drop off my gift as soon as she can. 10 days later and nothing. All good I guess.

I planned on adding so much more to this post but it just doesn't matter.

Oh, but the reason why I could have cried tears of joy was because on my actual bday I'm bawling my eyes out of course, bc I couldn't find my wallet (in the butt pocket of a pair of shorts in my laundry) and I JUST replaced my license and bank card like 2 months ago right before finding it. Anyways I see my paycheck is like 4x higher than it should be. I was gonna keep it hush but I was so confused and told some colleagues about it. Apparently some of us got a big retention bonus. My workplace was sold to a corporation 2 years ago, and they decided to give bonuses to all of us who stayed fulltime employed there 2 years after being sold. So there's that 😊

And this hot guy I crushed on years ago from my church messaged me happy bday and I kept the convo going. He expressed interest in hanging out, but when I would try to make it happen there was an excuse. But dude got married 3 years ago, was posting weird stuff on fb about self deleting statistics of divorced men....anyways it was a fun 2 days of texting/snapping him. But I deleted him on snap after he posted weird stories....an article about semen retention, a snap of a possible gf or whatever walking her dog? Idk. On top of trying to string me along? Good riddance. I'll take my bonus money and be happy 🤑

Anyways, life is back to normal I guess. My miserable normal.

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Of course the second I'm about to leave my house, I hear it start pouring down rain

If life's what you make it, how come all these inconveniences happen, over and over until i break. Every time I pick myself up and take care of myself, doing everything I should when I'd rather not, always on the verge of tears, but a little bit hopeful for the day. All to end up bored and miserable.

My morning started at 3am, my mind a war as usual. Praying to the God I never feel connected to. Eventually falling back asleep, getting up between 9 and 10, doing my skincare routine after like 3 days of not doing it, taking my vitamins for the first time in a while, showering, finding an outfit I don't hate (I hate just about my entire wardrobe)

I also haven't eaten and it's almost 2pm. Nothing sounds appetizing. And if I eat anything slightly unhealthy (to my standards) I'll just feel bad.

My bday is Wednesday, and I don't get paid again until Thursday. So as much as I ponder the thought of treating myself to acrylic nails, a new outfit I love, etc....I'm limited on funds and really want to get back into saving a generous portion of my paychecks.

Well I suppose it's stopped raining now, off to do probably nothing but drive around and vape ☹️

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At that point in life where I'm ready to just start over. Every aspect of my life is like nonexistent or pure shit.

I day dream about shaving my head, moving out of state and starting fresh. It already feels like I'm all alone in this county I've been in my whole life. I love it, but it's expensive and realistically I know i can't last here much longer. Well, unless I find some friends or a soul mate and a new job that actually pays me for what I'm worth.

I just don't know anymore. I constantly ask myself how I got to where I am now, and I think of specific moments and decisions i made or didn't make. All the micro decisions led me here...

But it's not only past regrets. I try and make changes to have goals and work on the things I can control, and for what? To end up in the same spot, feeling like an invisible force is preventing me from any escape. I don't even like to think about how I know what it feels like to not have any control of your life and how the easiest and fastest way would be self termination, but damn I'm fighting that. I'm not like on the ledge rn but it's constant tug of war with me and depression.

I could just settle, continuing my dead end job, living with my mom, no love life, friendships falling apart, too depressed/anxiety-ridden to go to events and places alone, while using weed and youtube to keep me distracted, doing ubereats on the side so that I can drive around aimlessly and seem like I'm being productive and a bo$$ babe 🤑

Orrrr I could shave my head, move away and start fresh. That is such a daunting thought though, that opens an array of questions:

What job would I get? (No college education, been basically starting from scratch in a new field like every 2 years. Can pick up on things and and have different experience, just like....could I get a job that actually pays well?)

Where would I go? (50 states, thousands of towns and cities to choose from)

Could I even pull it off without having a breakdown and moving back to what's (awful and detrimental to my mental health) comfortable?

Etc etc etc

For now I'll just keep being princess delulu, continue to cope, live vicariously through works of fiction while actively cutting myself out of people's lives lol

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I am not having a good time

Literally feel like my life ended years ago and I'm just an npc watching other people's lives and trying to cope with the lack of mine

If this is a simulation just take me out of my misery please lol

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Why does everyone else get to live their best sitcom life with their close knit of best friends that they do everything with, and I don't even have one solid friend ????

I'm only 25 but I have a feeling ill be able to boil my 20s down to crying, vaping, binging, being lonely and never finding a career I'll love, a loving partner, solid friends, never being able to move out away from my mom

I'm tired of sticking around and waiting for things to get better. That's literally SETTLING 🤢 but at the same time nobody can say I haven't tried to change situations in my life. Multiple times, more times than I should, before I fail or the door gets closed or I get knocked down. Nothing is working, it's all in vain. What's all this for, to get stronger? To prepare me for better things?

I've been in this cycle for years

HELL, there's documentation of me breaking down over these same feelings, 2+ years ago when I started using this blog again

My faith is shaken

I still pray but it just feels like talking to myself, I don't feel comfort or a presence or anything

I'm alone as always, feeling like the years I thought would be the best, are wasting away like my mental and overall health

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Fuckkkk someone please talk me out of this otherwise in the next hour I'm gonna order this and take it to the beach with me while I bake in the sun

Because if I can't be tan and skinny, at least I can just be tan 🙃

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not to be dramatic but I'd die for a guy like Wade from elemental

Yes I just saw it in theaters and yes as I do (with every kid's movie I watch) have tears streaming down my face the entire time

I will say that throughout watching him and ember's relationship develop, my thoughts were "you'll never find that again" 🥹... my thoughts just snowball as soon as I start to cry, so I just keep hurting my own feelings by thinking about the state of my life rn and for the past couple years

I can't enjoy anything anymore like when will I experience true joy again lmao

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My life or death situation is

1. I either live in delusion, constant distraction and numbing to distract from my unfortunate life,

2. death

Take your fucking pick because at this point I'm down for whatever

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Currently ig DMing unhinged emo thoughts to my ex bf, while out of town in the cutest airbnb bedroom because that's the closest thing I have to a genuine connection with an actual friend

Getting out of my highly populated Florida city to my mom's tiny NY hometown has not improved anything, who would've thought lol

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drove 45 mins to go to a flea market located close to his apartment building, saw a car parked right next to his, and a million memories flashed in my head, but I'm replaced with her... I swear I could've thrown up

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Lol every summer I'm always like "my bday is in under 2 months how can I lose the same 50 lbs I've always struggled to lose by that time"

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The amount of loss I've already experienced this year lol including the first official serious bf who I took too long to figure out I'm in love with

He didn't pass away, it's just a case of me being too careful but simultaneously self sabatoging it to the point of no return

But also that loss includes my will to live

Honestly tho I'm proud for simply doing the bare minimum and still waking up and going to work and being so nice and happy to my colleagues and keeping myself busy at work, but damn, I completely dissolve into a defeated sad individual when I walk into a sink full of month old dishes in the sink in my cluttered and roach infested apartment I share with my mentally ill and messy mom who barely leaves her room, let alone cleans anything... but hey at least I have my own room and 2 cutie cats laying in bed with me though right?

Yeah I could be living with a man who adored me to pieces and would willingly apply lotion to me after I showered and overall called and treated me like a queen. I'd be loved, I'd have (kinda) my own space, I'd finally escape this shit hole. The same that I've been dealing with for my entire 25 years of life.

So here I am, ghosting the 2 "friends" I had left. Ones that are only there if I need them. The ones I can barely call friends because they're so distant. I'd rather severe all ties and be alone than to be the one that always initiates, the one who always gets cancelled on, the one who is never the first choice. Hell, I'm not even a part of the multiple choice question. Not even a "write in" option.

Why do I end up sad, depressed, alone, stuck, when I finally decide to put myself first? Why do I feel 10x worse? Why is it that the older I get, the harder it gets? When will it get better? When will it be my turn to be happy? Why do I feel like I have to push my limits and work extremely hard for things that seem to fall in place for many? Why when I set my mind toward those things that I get kicked back to square one, door slammed in my face, being continuously kicked when I'm already down, when I'm already DOWN BAD IN ROCK BOTTOM'S BASEMENT (ummmm pretty sure I found a new playlist name)

Anyways I might as well share my playlist of all the songs I spiral to, yikes to this whole post

Love how everything I share to the internet is like an overshare, concerning joke and a lowkey cry for help, except I've been doing it for yeaaarrrs and still don't have the answers