[cooltrees]

me: all our teeth fall out as children and then they all grow back stronger

alien: okay, i mean…that definitely sounds fake, but….okay.

[aelfswithe]

We have extra organs we don’t need anymore, and sometimes they explode, and we have to cut them out.

[agentsex]

Our babies have heads that are bigger than the birth canal. Sometimes the baby gets stuck inside, so we cut the mother open so that they don’t both die. 

[samcoxramblings]

Some of us can bleed for five days and not die

[matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll]

Some of us are born with both sets of genitals.

[fleshwater]

Sometimes two to four of us are born at the same time and we look exactly alike

[azzandra]

At some point, the aliens aren’t going to know anymore when we’re actually trolling them.

Us: Under certain circumstances, humans have been known to spontaneously develop the ability to breathe fire.

Alien: yeah, okay, that fits in with the other wacky bullshit you guys can do.

[lickystickypickyzzz]

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”. With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

[decodethishit]

snap snap snap

[iamadeledazeem]

YES

[imh0me]

oh SHIT

[princesconsuela]

[dutchstore]

When the movie trailer guy hit puberty 😂😂😂 by omar gHonim

[tastefullyoffensive]

by It’s the Tie

[amerlcanapparel-deactivated2020]

when she says she doesn’t send nudes

[straighthater]

when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes

[timelordpillbug]

when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia

[hikingnerd]

When Russia sends you nudes

[dr-thackery]

[dismantlerepaired]

[ilovepretzelrods]

[thegingerbalrog]

[onwardwall]

[orlaise]

it’s been “one of those days” for several years

[warriorchicken-deactivated20150]

Last summer, we went to London for a vacation and I bought a queen Elizabeth mask. We then went to number 10 downing st and I demanded they let me in.

Oddly enough, he didn’t buy it. 

I even tried to bribe him with a knighthood and one of my many castles.

[warriorchicken-deactivated20150]

Forgot my bloody key, and Phillip won’t open the door.

Lazy git.

[silenthilll2]

… that policeman is my dad…

[castielcampbell]

at least you know he had a good day

[beyoncebeytwice]

is everything expensive or am i just poor

[mythicgeek]

yes

[pottern]

don’t date someone you wouldn’t have a harry potter movie marathon with

[the-internet-addict-deactivated]

That’s nearly 24 hours. I wouldn’t do that with anyone

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

…the weak are already weeding themselves out…

[leofitzo]

[jncera]

When i was little my parents used to tell me how i was raised by bears and i actually believed them for the longest time. Then my dad got me this mug last year and said, “Don’t ever forget who you are.”

[uhhuhhhhhh]

why the fuck would they tell you that you were raised by bears they’re literally your parents like they raised you????

[jncera]

ok so here’s the full story:

one day when I was a wee lil lad like maybe 1 yr old, my mom had to go to the doctor’s office, which was located on top of a hill in the middle of a forest. while my mom was inside with the doctor, i went outside to play among the flowers. then came a wandering mama bear with her 2 cubs, and the cubs saw me and we started playing together. the mama bear decided i should come home with them, so i did! so i lived for a few years with mama and papa bear and my bear siblings, running around on all fours and generally acting like a baby bear. one time we even got into a fight with a wolf family. but we won of course.

well, my human parents were quite worried. where on earth did i disappear off to? so they started searching the forest, and someone reported seeing a human child with a family of bears. so my parents went and found my bear family, and my human dad and papa bear even got into a fight, which explains the scar on the back of my human dad’s neck. but my human parents won, and took me back home. you can take the human child from the bear family, but you can’t take the bear out of the child! so that’s the explanation for why i liked playing outdoors as a kid and i enjoyed running around the house on all fours like a bear cub and jumping on furniture.

STUPID STORY RIGHT?? Like who in their sane mind would actually believe this? but my parents told this to me continuously from when i was idk 3 yrs old until 5ish and it explained so much like the scar on my dad’s neck and why i loved animals so much and running around like a four legged wild thing. and so my toddler-brain just accepted it as truth bc at that age, everything your parents tell you is true and who was i to question my all-knowing parents. 

now why did they tell me this anyway? because why the fuck not. who doesn’t like trolling their tiny partial-clones? it probably gave them such a good chuckle that i was such a gullible little shit. they tried to pull the same shenanigan with my sister when she was young and told her she was raised by monkeys. didn’t work on her though. and that’s when my parents realized i was probably just really dumb.. 

[please-just-let-me-disappear-de]

Tiny partial-clones. That’s the best thing I’ve ever read.

[karasratworld]

Dylan really loved the Budweiser puppy ad

[fluoxetinedaydreams-deactivated]

[housewifeswag]

whose line will forever be one of my favorites

[stay-grateful]

dying rn

[reznorcore]

scottishshortbread:

kmykmykmy:

Gryffindor: I’m a fucking hero. Slytherin: I’m fucking badass. Ravenclaw: I’m smart as fuck. Hufflepuff: My dorm is near the kitchen.

CRying

[hurtbreakur]

OMG

[weloveshortvideos]

[yobucky-deactivated20180803]

[thekindablues-blog]

THE most underrated scene in the entire movie. It was perfect. And do you know how often I see gif sets of it? This is the second one I’ve seen since the movie came out (It’s been over 5 months, now).

So let’s just pause for a moment from reblogging gifs of Tony’s sass, Loki’s sex appeal, or Bruce’s fluffiness and just appreciate this nameless, old, German guy and how, even though he knew he would probably die, he stood up to a tyrant to prove that the human race wouldn’t give up their freedom so easily.

[mikeywaves]

Friendly reminder that it’s implied that he’s a Holocaust survivor.

[feministcaptainkirk]

It’s not implied. He is definitely a survivor. That’s only reinforced when Steve compares Loki to Hitler after he saves the old man.