Mommy Blog

Kate, 35, wife, working mom of 2 trying to figure life out. Lover of all things shiny, coffee, crafting, dry shampoo and Target.

[blondemom87]

It's been a while, now let's all think happy thoughts

It has been a while since I have posted. So much has happened in the last year it's hard to even put into words. Kids are growing way too fast, husband and I are trying to keep up, the schedules are nuts but we are making it work. The main event that happened last year was me losing my job. To say that i was shocked to hear that my position was eliminated is an understatement. Never in my life have i been laid off or let go. I packed up my plants, notebooks and office decor into boxes and went on my way. I spent weeks in pajamas and workout pants. Tears we shed every day and I fell into deep depression. Negative thoughts were taking over, and I couldn't find a way out. I went from a structured day of waking up and going to work to rolling out of bed and watching daytime tv. i was always proud of my career and really loved what i was doing and all that was ripped away from me. "Enjoy this time" is what people would say but they did not know what was going on in my mind. Applying and not hearing back, finally hearing back but the salary was way less than i was making. I felt like i was drowning and I couldn't get out. One day my heart hurt, my chest felt tight and i thought that i was having a heart attack. It was an attack but a panic one. It's scary and unnecessary but i lost all control. My whole life i had worked hard and worked my way up and then in one moment it was all gone. My ideas, my creativity, my passion all gone. I was surrounded by people but felt so alone. For anyone that has ever felt like that I know how hard it was and how strong you had to be to get out of it. It has now been about 3 months since the decision has been made to remove me. Today 2/12/2024 I had a job interview for potentially my dream job. The interview went very well, and we are working out the numbers and i hope, i pray that it all works out. I want to remember the feeling that i have right now. The feeling of hope. Hope that it all works out, hope that i will again feel like i belong. I am hoping that by me putting this out into the universe I am going to make it come to life. Fingers crossed.

[blondemom87]

thankful

I live for the moments that make me take a step back and appreciate what I have. If I did anything right in this world it's my kids. My son and daughter are the reason why I wake up in the morning. They make me proud to be their mama. As much as I love being their mama it's not easy, they challenge me daily, push my buttons and test my limits. Just when I think I have a few minutes alone, the door opens and I am being watched while I pee. I grew up as an only child. It plays a big role in why I am the way that I am. I always wanted a sibling and from an early age I knew that when it was time for me to have kids I would want more than 1. I always pictured a big family. I'm not sure that is in the cards for me still but the 2 kids we have keep us busy. I love that they have each other. They fight over nothing but they have a built in best friend. My wish is for them to always be close. I hope that life doesn't make them go separate, I want them to rely on each other. For a school project they had to list what they are thankful for and without knowing they both listed each other. Moments like that make everything I do worth it. 11/18/2022

[blondemom87]

numb

Unless you've lived through narcissistic abuse you might not understand how over time you become numb. Numb to the name calling, numb to the pain. Words that used to pierce through you before, now just roll off because you've heard worse, you've been through worse and somehow didn't allow it to fully break you. You lose yourself and to avoid the fighting you lost your voice. It's easier to give in, then to spend hours listening how you did this wrong and you did that wrong. You didn't smile like you meant it, you rolled your eyes, you didn't seem to really be listening, you didn't answer in the way that was expected the list goes on. You wonder what it would be like to live without this pit in your stomach. The ball of stress, anxiety and depression. To just be free and not have to hold my breath with every phone call or text with anxiety about what comes next. You wonder how much longer you can go on before you fully lose the person that you used to be. When is it enough?

[blondemom87]

vote

Who else is sick of the TV ads? Vote yes on 1, vote no on 1. The constant phone calls and texts to my phone about who I need to vote for. How about people just make up their own minds and vote on what they think will make it better for them, without any pressures from anyone. I moved to USA when I was 11. Bill Clinton was in office and boy did everyone love him. That man openly admitted to cheat on his wife and the public still loved and respected him. Over the last 24 years that I have lived in this country I have seen the country that others used to look up to become so divided, ridiculed, made fun of. I hate getting involved in political debates but we need to do better. Better as a country, better at listening to both sides. So today, don't vote based on what the TV tells you, think of what will be better for you. As I grew up, all my school years it's been drilled into my head that democrats is the best option, probably didn't help that I live in MA. The older I got the more I learned about the parties and as adult I have voted republican the last 2 presidential elections. I have received criticism from my in-laws and some friends. Funny since I never tell them they vote wrong so why do they have to say that to me? Bottom line is no matter what party you are with, just vote. Take a few minutes out your day day and go to the polls. 11/08/22

[blondemom87]

my rant

I got an email from my son's soccer coach, it wasn't just sent to me but I know what he's talking about. At the last game the kids were kind of moving slowly so I said to my child " Johnny, look alive!". apparently there was a complaint about a "parent being mean to their kid" and some Karen felt the need to report it. The coach's email was very respectful but honestly why is this real life? Why do we live in a society where everyone is so damn sensitive that we can't even talk to our own kids without some involvement from someone that doesn't know me. I work damn hard to pay for my son's sports and make sure that kid is at every practice, game, dressed, drive him all over the state. I make personalized gifts for the kids on the team. The least my kid can do is run, have fun and look like he's giving an effort. So for the Karen/Nancy who was so offended by my comment- F*CK you. Sorry I expect my kid to give an effort. It's a competitive team a travel team you have to prove yourself every game. Some parents might be ok with their kid not doing anything, I am not. I am far from being a "medal to all" kind of mom. Work hard, do what you can and earn it.

11.04.2022

[blondemom87]

anyone feels like this?

Lately my mental state has been declining. I used to be able to blame it on the job that I despised or the stress that it brought on me but that reason in gone now. I work for a company that values me, appreciates me and for a while that was enough to keep my mental state afloat but now I feel like I am underwater again. I am exhausted, annoyed, depressed, on the verge of a break down almost everyday. Little things will set me off and I don't know what to do. I have a hard time explaining exactly how I feel which makes me feel so alone in this. I struggle to get though the day every damn day. I stretch myself so thin by involving myself in my kids school, sports just to keep busy so I have no time to think about my issues but then, I am doing so much and that makes me stressed too. Anyone out there feel the same?

10/27/2022

[blondemom87]

To my husband

Before smart phones and while Nextels and flip phones were cool.

Back when you had to wait until after 9pm to talk on the phone to save minutes.

When nice houses were under $300,000 and gas prices were normal.

Back when Ben and Jen were together the 1st time.

Before social media and electric cars.

When duck faces and popped polo collars were cool.

While Brittany Spears was at the peak of her career and before she shaved her head.

I met a boy.

What was a high school romance between teens that was never meant to last past graduation is now a marriage that is celebrating 10 years.

10 whole years of loving you as my husband, 8 years of loving you as a dad of my kids, 20 years of loving you as my soulmate.

Do I love you the same as I did back then? No

You’ve changed, I changed, we grew up. What I do know is that you are the reason I know what love is. Loving someone is the easy part. It’s choosing them everyday, sharing your life, and most of all loving them more. More than the fights, more than proving a point, more than the stresses of life.

If only our 15 year old selves could see us now.

What we have is so rare and there is not a day that goes by where I don’t look at you or at our kids and think “ if I did anything right in my life, it’s this”. Marriage that was built on love, commitment, sacrifice started in 9th grade English by 2 kids who decided to grow together rather than growing apart.

So here's to growing old together, the best is yet to come.

[blondemom87]

boost

I showed up barely on time, I've had bags of laundry that have been waiting for me for over a week, I messed up the time of the game, I haven't washed my hair in a week, my legs are not shaved, toes nail polish is coming off, I haven't cooked a home cooked meal in weeks, i took the kids to a pool party without puddle jumpers. But when I showed up looking like a hot mess to my son's sporting event one of the moms walked up to me and said " I've always wanted to tell you that I think you are such a good mom". We need more people like that in the world. Simple compliment like that meant so much to me and gave me the boost that I needed to keep going that day.

6/13/2022

[blondemom87]

core

This past weekend has been insane! Saturday my son represented our town and played against the rival in soccer and won! Following the game we went straight to a pool party. Woke up early on Sunday to drive my little soccer star to tryout for the fall travel team. After that went grocery shopping, did the laundry, changed the sheets, played outside with the kids, painted my nails. My life is nuts and it never stops. I know I will end up missing the chaos. On the way to the tryouts I had to give my son a pep talk. I told him to pretend it's a normal practice and do what he does best which is score goals. He knew the importance of yesterday and felt the pressure. My kid is one of the smallest kids in our town in his age group. His height is something I know he feels annoyed about. It does hold him back in most sports but not soccer. He's the fastest kid on the field and can outrun kids double his age. So I told him "Johnny, no one can beat you. You are lighting". As I spoke those words a song came on the radio Thunder by Imagine Dragons. I turned the volume way up and said it's a sign, he scored 11 goals that day. For sure a core memory.

6/13/2022

[blondemom87]

let's be friends

With only a a few months until I turn 35 my mind is going crazy. Disappointed about the fact that we still don't own a home, feels like if we wanted to have another child I am running out of time. The timeline that I've had for my life is no longer there, it was replaced by the pressure of living everyday thinking that I didn't do enough. As I get older I realize that some people are just assholes and there is nothing that I can do about that. My energy could be used elsewhere. I've had some extra drama in my life recently with someone that I thought was a friend but now I know better. The lesson I took away was that it's ok to not be friends. It's ok to have people that don't like me. I used to think that everyone should get along and be friends and now I'm ok with just being acquaintances. The only thing I ask is for respect. I always was and wanted to be the friendly one, all my life I had friends from all different groups. In high school I was captain of my swim team, member of the yearbook, was in mostly honor classes and was voted Prom Queen senior year. So when it comes to making friends in any group I've always excelled at that. As I get older however it's getting harder to do that. I don't know if the society changed or I did. Maybe I value friendship more than others and don't give it away for free anymore. Maybe I've been burnt by people I called friends and my walls went up. I don't confide in people as I used to, I keep to myself more. For my true OG friends that know me for who I am, the ones that proved their friendship to me, I consider you family and there needs to be more people like you. The ones that will answer their phone in the middle of the night and help you hide the body no questions asked and no judgement, too morbid? Sorry! I should have just said "ride or die" friends. So if any of you mamas out there want to be friends I'm here. I will listen with no judgement, I will listen to you vent because that's the best therapy.

6/8/2022

[blondemom87]

Run

A few years ago, I had a really bad day at work. That was the day that I decided that I did not want to work there anymore. Because I'm a working mom and my kids like to eat I couldn't just leave so I had to wait for something great to come along. That day that I had a mental breakdown I wrote a letter to the next "poor human" that would take my job. From what I remember the letter warned them about the kind of toxic place that company is, the disrespect, lack of appreciation and communication, neglect of work/ life balance. I warned them about the anxiety and depression that they will develop and told them to run. I hid the letter inside the "fake closet" that I had in my office. Fake closet- a door that you open and it just had a wall. Honestly that closet represents how that company was managed, a misleading closet door that opens to nothing but a wall. Fast forward to now, I was notified by a friend that still works there that my note was found. I don't remember every part of it but I know for a fact that whatever I wrote was the truth and since that letter was written things have only gotten worse so they are lucky they got that version.

6/3/2022

[blondemom87]

can you help?

More times than not I find myself feeling like I am not good enough. When good things happen instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what is going to go wrong because it's too good to be true. Because of my stress and anxiety I don't fully enjoy any moment and I feel like I am just letting these special years of my life pass me by. I can't be the only person to feel this way. I want to be a happy person, I want to not start worrying about what's to come next month today. Anyone out there, if you feel this please share what works for you. I feel like I am drowning.

5/27/2022

[blondemom87]

stars and stripes

I want to live in a world where I can go to the store and not worry that a string will be tied to my car door handle, where my kids can play outside until the sun goes down without a worry, where no kid is scared to go to school because of watching the recent news. I want to be proud of this country that we live in. I want there to be a leader in place that kids would want to be when they grow up and respect. I want everyone to respect the flag and honor the men and women that sacrificed their life for it. At the end of the day it does not matter if you voted democrat or republican you are American. Violence and hatred needs to stop, riots, Covid, Ukraine, school shootings haven't we seen enough death? I was at dollar tree the other day and saw a group of soldiers in uniform, I thanked them for their service. My son was with me and asked me if I knew them. I said no, but they are the reason we can go and shop at a store and me thanking them is the least I could do. So let's raise our kids to respect the military, people in uniform and most of all our flag.

5/26/2022

[blondemom87]

in Jesus name

It sickens me to think that we live in a world where someone walked into a school with a loaded gun and killed 19 children and 2 teachers. I can't even imagine the pain and sadness that community is going through. The is no longer a safe place for those kids. If kids have stuff going on at home, going to school used to be a safe place. Yesterday changed that. That shooter not only took the lives of those 21 people but also took the comfort of know your child is ok in school from the whole country. No parent should worry that when they kiss their kid that morning it might be the last time. When will this violence stop? People are living in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of shopping at target and having your child be kidnapped, sending them to school and worrying about shootings. Not ok, do better America. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. For the media to make all this about gun laws is not only disrespectful to the families who lost loved ones but also takes away what happened. Politicians have their own agenda and use terrible events of what happened to speak "their truth". There's 19 kids that won't get to grow up, go to college, get married, start their own family. There's 2 families of the teachers whose kids will have to grow up without a mother. Those are the victims in all of this. No one has stopped and asked why did this happen? It's not the gun, it's not the lack of mental health help that we have, it's the shit show that we live in. People are going insane, no one is on the same page and instead of having a conversation and try to see it from a different view people blow up. Political views are ripping families apart. So please let's take politics out of this. I know that I will be hugging my kids tighter going forward. I woke up this morning and thought of the poor parents waking up to a quiet house this morning because their child is no longer there. We all need to come together and do better.

5/25/2022

[blondemom87]

to MOMS

At the end of each day ask your child what was their favorite part. Trust me the answers will not only shock you but will put your whole life in perspective. What seems irrelevant to us might be the most special thing for your child that day. We tend to run on autopilot between jobs, sports, homework, laundry, meals. Life is hectic, stressful and complicated which is why asking your child what was their favorite part of that day is so special. I ask my kids and you know what they usually say? Some of our usual answers are being outside, drawing a picture, making a paper airplane, watching wheel of fortune, cooking, soccer- all very simple answers. Again, it's amazing to see how something as little as making a paper airplane was what they took away as the best memory of that day. Being a parents is one of the hardest jobs no one can train you for. There is no book, cheat sheet, no orientation although I wish there was. Everything you do affects them, every step you take they are watching you- especially when you are in the bathroom. Nothing like having your 5 year old daughter announce to the whole baseball field that her mom has a tattoo on the butt cheek (true story unfortunately). So please carve out 3 min out of your crazy day each day and simply ask " what was your favorite part of today?" and prepare to be amazed. Always remember you are doing what you can, they are little once. You got this mama!

[blondemom87]

Last week I did what I should have done years ago and took my life back. I gave my toxic job of 6 years my 2 week notice. I have given it my all in the last 6 years, stayed late, came in early, worked weekends, worked off the clock, grew the company. All that did not matter in the end, I gave my 2 weeks and they couldn’t do the same. I was asked to leave before completing my 2 weeks. If I already didn’t have my mind made up this would have been a final nail in the coffin. I’m moving on to a better job with more money and better benefits but I still feel hurt by how it ended at a job that I gave my last 6 years to. I didn’t even get a thank you. I was tossed out like a piece of trash, you know why? Because I learned my value. I saw what I’ve done, I saw all the extra jobs that I took on with no extra pay. I saw people doing 1/10 of the work making double. The extra things I took on to be a “team player” became and expectation and part of my job. Other people used me as a resource to help them grow while I was stagnant. I’m one of those people that likes being challenged, I love figuring things out and working towards a goal. When I stopped learning, I felt stuck. A local competitor company reached out to me, saw my potential, listened to what I was looking for in my next role and invested in me. After many interviews with different companies this just felt right. It was like a breath of fresh air feeling appreciated and heard. I’m taking away many lessons from my job that I’m leaving. I learned that I do have tough skin after all. Working in the construction industry I’ve been told that you can’t be a “wall flower”. I was tough when I had to be and compassionate when someone needed it. The friendships I’ve made I’m taking with me. I learned that I need to be respected and appreciated sounds crazy that my recent role didn’t come with that. I learned that company culture outweighs just about anything and in order for any company to be successful and grow taking care of current employees is the only way to get there. The biggest lesson I’m walking away with is that I now know my value and I will never again sell myself short. Here’s to new beginnings! 4/8/22

[blondemom87]

8

In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn't fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I'm 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22