Memory of You - Part Eight
(WARNING MENTIONS OF SYNTHETIC GORE/INJURY)
ANGSTY/COMFORT Reader x Kirsh: During the exploration of the Maginot, Kirsh is severely damaged. As chief synthetics technician, it's up to you to repair him, but are you up to the task to repair your friend? Or is it all too much..
Please be aware this deals heavily with trauma/anxiety/heavy mentions of panic attacks and mentions of sickness/fainting! (if I have missed a tag the needs mentioning, please let me know!)
As always, apologies for the slow uploading schedule for this series, I've been really wanting to just take my time with the ending of this fic, and not rush it!
You pressed your security code into the lock panel, scanned your handprint, and waited for the doors for the lab to open up. It felt agonizing how slow things moved now, it was all your own perception, as the need to get to Kirsh felt so strong that any time spent waiting only added to your nauseous anxieties.
I have to do this. Regardless of how I feel, I have to know.
I have to see what happened to Kirsh...how he nearly didn't come back.
Finally, with a heavy click and beeping to indicate the doors were open, you entered the lab, eyes already fixated on Kirsh’s bed. Now that the worst was seemingly behind in terms of recovering Kirsh’s data, leaving just the physical and cosmetic repairs – there remained no need to keep a night shift staff of synthetics monitoring Kirsh for updates or improvements.
In a way, you preferred this, as it meant you would have no interruptions, however it left you feeling…sad. On paper, Kirsh was no more than an amalgamation of coding and genius engineering, a collection of parts with a personality. But to you…he was someone. Someone that now lay alone in the middle of the lab, still technically broken.
You approached Kirsh’s resting form, his eyes closed over, hands flat at his sides. Your eyes raked over his anatomy, where his lower synthetic skeletal half had been positioned and already showed signs of being re-connected. The synthetic anatomy was a marvel of technical skill; wires, tubes, artificial muscle, carbon fibre, titanium, sensors, all sculpted into the human form. A skeleton made of machine.
It would only take a few more working days to reconnect Kirsh’s lower half, then, he would be ready for his first layer of artificial skin to coat and cover the wonders beneath. As a synthetic technician, it made you feel slightly forlorn that no one would see what lies beneath the synthetic flesh, or appreciate just how beautiful they were, in their raw and natural form.
Walking and talking sculptures of technical prowess. A modern day Michelangelo if you were to be poetic about it.
Your eyes moved back up from Kirsh’s bare lower portion, up to where his original torso severed off, the flap of skin now trimmed back and tidied up from it’s former shredded mess that Kirsh had arrived in with.
A heavy and purposeful sigh left you, and you knelt under the bed to retrieve the grey plastic sheet that was used to cover Kirsh previously, perhaps discarded during the day to perform the starting points of lower anatomical reattachment. You fetched it, and draped it over Kirsh's unbuilt lower half, giving him some sort of modesty despite the little need for it all things considered.
You lingered for a moment, trying to gather yourself and reason that this needed to happen, that in order to move past everything, you needed to know what happened to Kirsh. Otherwise, you would feel stuck this way, forever spiralling, forever losing sleep to nightmares and the thought of losing Kirsh because of your own incapability to face the truth.
Most of your reasoning however, lay within your enormous sense of guilt. That you weren't there to help him, that you failed several times in trying to repair him, that you could barely speak to him within his first waking moments, and because you couldn't watch the reason for this entire mess. It all piled up, death by a thousand cuts.
With a slight hesitance, your turned your attention to the terminal adjacent Kirsh’s bed. Technically, he didn’t need to use it to communicate anymore, but in order to conserve his systems, it had been advised to shut off Kirsh after certain hours. A medically induced coma so to speak. Until such times as he could function to a standard similar to his synthetic counterparts, this would come after his full body evaluation post reconstruction. Days from now.
You punched in your staff card and typed in the necessary commands. You had done it so many times now it became second nature, and theorized you could input your Prodigy details faster than you could write your own name and date of birth. The terminal came to life, glowing pale blue as it displayed Kirsh’s schematics, all positive, all thrumming and ticking over.
“It’s late.” Kirsh’s modulated voice caught you a little off guard.
You looked at him, his eyes roaming over you as his body lay stiff. In order to re-connect his lower half, it was instructed to shut off Kirsh’s artificial motor cortex, as well as the part of his synthetic brain that would otherwise be considered in humans terms the Basal Ganglia portion of the brain, the section that would intend movement, yet deny sporadic muscle contractions. In simple terms, Kirsh was just a head at the moment whilst the lab staff reconnected his body.
“Apologies.” You replied, your voice stiff and hoarse. You couldn’t remember the last time you had spoke; perhaps several hours ago with Dame and Arthur. Either way, it left you sounding less sure of yourself.
Kirsh looked you over, blinking as he took you in. Already sensing something in you, a purpose that superseded a non-scheduled check up. There was more to this visit.
“Why are you here?” Kirsh asked.
"I...I came to see you." You began, sitting down in one of the rolling chairs beside the terminal, hands clasped between your thighs. "About the Maginot footage."
You didn't look at Kirsh, instead you focused on your hands as their pressed and worried together, fingers locking tightly to try and ward of the trembling. Kirsh blinked slowly at you.
“Arthur had mentioned it.” Kirsh replied. “He also said you were unable to watch.”
“I couldn’t do it.” You shrugged, defeated as you admitted it to Kirsh. “It…it was too much…I couldn’t wrap my head around you being alive-“
“Awake.” You clarified. “I hadn’t any time to…to digest that…And then to go upstairs and am confronted with watching you nearly die-“
“I can’t die. I’m not a human, I’m-“
“KIRSH ENOUGH!” You snapped, frustrated and already annoyed that you could feel your tears resurfacing. You thought you had gotten it out of your system with Arthur and Dame, and yet clearly it was a never-ending source of torment. “Jesus…fuck.” You cursed and pressed the heels of your hands into your eyes, so much so you began to see stars in the blackness behind your eyelids.
"M'sorry...sorry." You mumbled into your hands. "I'm not angry with you. I...I'm just...fuck." Your sentence fizzled out as your attempted to gather yourself.
Kirsh remained silent, though he watched you as you tried to regain some form of composure.
“I did not mean to antagonize you.” Kirsh then said. “I appreciate that this has been…difficult for you. And indeed a labour of hardship.”
You laughed bitterly and rolled your eyes at Kirsh’s attempt to console you whilst you struggled to articulate yourself.
“Use your words. You are clever, and greater than your torment. Why are you here.” Kirsh said, trying to guide you to the answer you already had.
You swallowed awkwardly, the growing lump in your throat threatening to break your resolve further, yet you rallied and nodded downwards before glancing to Kirsh, eyes glistening with tears.
“I have to know…what happened to you.” You said, barely above a whisper. "Why all...this...had to happen." You gestured limply to Kirsh's hidden body, concealed under the plastic sheet.
It felt like your words lingered in the air as you and Kirsh stared into one another’s eyes. Kirsh wanted to ask why you needed to do this beside him, he theorized that perhaps in doing so with him, it would form some sort of closure. Truthfully, Kirsh couldn’t solidify an answer, he rarely could when it came to human emotions. Yet...this was you. You were one of the rare few that Kirsh could trust...he knew you would have your reasons, and respected them.
“Are you quite sure you wish to do this…now?” Kirsh asked you. It might have been the warped, metallic sound in his broken voice, but you could have sworn he felt…concerned for you.
I don't know...I hoped it was all a nightmare and would wake up from it...
The short answer was no, and you were close to uttering it. But it would solve nothing, it wouldn’t make anything better, or worse. To watch the footage, ultimately, would change nothing. Kirsh was here, on the mend, and the world would continue to turn. No, this was for your own peace of mind.
“I’m sure.” You answered.
Kirsh blinked slowly, as if to nod in acceptance of your decision.
“Perhaps then, you could turn on my physical systems. I feel at a slight disadvantage being just a head.”
A sad and watery huff of a laugh escaped you, a brief intermission to the weight of what you two were about to do. You lingered on him for a few moments further before turning around to the terminal to begin accessing and re-instating Kirsh’s physical systems. The terminal chimed with success, and Kirsh’s fingers twitched to life, followed by a brief flex of the elbow joints. Kirsh pressed his hands on the flat of the bed he lay upon, and pushed himself up to sit a little more upright.
It was strange to see him move, especially after such a long time of little movement from him. Essentially he walked his torso up the bed whilst his lower half remained, thus creating a gap. Kirsh watched you lean over to retrieve the plastic sheet he had pulled himself out of, and tugged it up higher to cover his modesty.
“You needn’t bother.” Kirsh said as he observed your hands pulling the sheet up higher and above the cut off line to his torso.
“Let me have my way.” You softly scalded him, as you settled back into your chair.
Kirsh smirked a little at your comment, how that despite your unsettled demeanour and everything in between his departure from the facility, to your efforts in saving his data and subsequently himself- you…were still you. It comforted a part of the synth, if indeed he could feel comfort.
Artificial persons, no matter how unique their personality was coded, depended on absolutes, black and white answers. Humans were grey and smudged the lines of black and white, emotional variables that complicated situations. You however, in Kirsh’s mind, remained faithful to yourself, and therefore he could rely and predict your behaviour and thoughts. It was why he favoured you as a colleague…and perhaps…considered as something deeper. Something he couldn’t quite pin point. Something unknown and without a shape or a name, something deep within his systems he had never come across with others.
“It’s ready.” Your voice interrupted Kirsh’s minding, your hands cupping the back of the data pad, trembling slightly as the screen moved a little against your shaking palms and fingers.
“Whenever you’re ready.” Kirsh said.
You tapped on the data pad at the footage's exact time marker and moment you had ran out of the observation room, your heart already pounding against the inside of your chest.
This has to happen. This has to happen. For Kirsh, I have to do this. You thought internally as the footage re-started.
“What is that?” Curly’s voice echoed through the lab from the data pad.
“It presents as flora, but it may be fauna.” Kirsh replied.
You forced your head to remain static, fixed forward as if to keep yourself from turning away. The familiar, grainy footage that displayed Kirsh’s movements through the science bay and towards the terminal to consume the Maginot data from its systems. The rolling information on the various specimens that were contained within the facility, the information and flight log, the security break downs. You were looking through Kirsh’s eyes as he absorbed every morsel of data that the Maginot could feed him.
The sound of a iron creek and groan, followed by one of the hybrids cursing, broke Kirsh’s line of sight from the terminal screen. You don’t know why, but you stood up, the data pad still fixed in your grip, eyes unable to look away.
“Move! The ceiling it’s going to fall!” Smee’s panicked yelling called from one of the rooms that Kirsh looked in the direction of.
The footage followed Kirsh as he pulled his arm free of the terminal and sprinted through to the adjoining lab where the hybrids were packing up specimens. Kirsh’s footage looked up to where a thick beam of steel which had already penetrated the roof of the lab, threatened to cave in.
“Nibs move!” Curly cried out as Nibs, who Kirsh looked to, was frozen in place.
The audio blurred, a ringing sound that you weren’t initially aware of came sharply into focus as it muffled everything. Your eyes watched, wide with horror as Kirsh lept forward to grab Nibs and haul her out of harms way…before his eyes looked up, witnessing the final moments of consciousness as the iron bar came crashing down atop of him. The footage cut out, a flashing pixelated message reading ‘error, system disconnect’ in the middle of the footage.
Your heart sank, yet continued to beat with harsh and unrelenting force as the footage played over and over in your mind. The reality of what happened now evident; Kirsh had sacrificed himself...to keep nibs and the hybrids safe. He lay down his life…to protect them. To spare Nibs.
You raised a hand to cover your mouth as you let out a choked sob, your vision clouded with tears and you felt your knees stutter under yourself. The data pad fell to the floor with a heavy clatter, contrasting the otherwise silent nature of the lab.
This shouldn’t have happened.
Kirsh and the hybrids shouldn’t have been put into this situation.
This was Prodigy…this was Kavalier…
And all that worried Kavalier was whether or not Kirsh’s data could be retrieved.
Not the wellbeing of Kirsh, nor the hybrids.
Data. Just data. That was all they were to him...to Atom...machines to gather data...
Your crying reverberated through the lab, and you were all but lost, until you felt Kirsh’s hand on your forearm. You looked down at it, how his fingers curled around your wrist, pulling you carefully to turn and step towards his side.
“You…you risked your life for them.”
Kirsh’s eyes looked from his hand around your forearm and up into your broken expression.
“Yes.” Kirsh answered simply, side stepping the notion of having a ‘life’, and accepting there was no means of changing your mind on it. “It’s my priority to keep them safe. No matter the cost.”
The sentence washed over you, and you felt your heart tighten. The Hybrids were more than just the next stage in Prodigy’s step in artificial advancement. To your little group; yourself, Arthur, Dame, Kirsh, they were the core of your lives. Certainly, to Dame and Arthur, they were surrogate children, ghosts of what they could have had, had nature not been so cruel to them.
To Kirsh, the Hybrids were relatives in a manner of speaking, though you reasoned Kirsh would think this frivolous and simply you trying to insert meaning where it didn’t need to be. Kirsh understood his position as an educator and care giver of sorts; he understood the hybrid’s new bodies, and how it might be difficult moving from a human mind into a form like his. Cold, and manufactured.
He felt responsible for them, for their protection. To Kirsh, his life was secondary to theirs now, and it made sense to him that his programming aided his decision to place himself in harm’s way for them.
"You could have died." You whispered.
I cannot die. Kirsh immediately thought, but once more, side stepped the notion as it would have only upset you further.
“It was the logical thing to do.”
Kirsh watched you frown, and look away from him to try and hide the pained expression on your face.
“I realise that this truth is difficult for you to understand-“
“I understand…I just…find accepting it hard.” You said, your voice breaking a fraction as you interrupted Kirsh.
Because you haunt every moment of my life
Because the thought of losing you hurts
“I just do Kirsh.” You pitifully replied, looking away from the synth.
You knew Kirsh wasn’t satisfied with your answer, but there would be no means of drawing the truth from you. Not right now at least. Still, to be denied answers, the truth, it frustrated him.
“At least now you have your answers.” Kirsh said.
You knew he perhaps he didn’t mean it when he said it, but you couldn’t help the sting. As if he were dismissing you, flippantly telling you to leave, you were done. He saw no reason for you to remain, not now that you had watched the footage, and as he said, 'have your answers'. That was what you needed, to heal that part within you.
Then...why did it still feel like the problem was still there, like a stone around your neck.
“I do.” You affirmed and looked Kirsh over, from his unbuilt lower half, all the way upwards to his unwavering, emotionless face.
The doors to the lab opened up, startling you a little as no one was scheduled to be inside of the facility, at least no one you knew of. Quickly, you felt your pulse quicken as you looked at the familiar, looming outline of Atom, hands clasped behind his back and sporting his usual amused ghost of a smile.
“Burning the candle at both ends are we?” Atom asked musically as he approached yourself and Kirsh. “Perhaps we are just catching up on missed work, considering your…abrupt departure earlier on.” He added, a hint of amusement as he recalled the earlier meeting.
“I was just leaving.” You said.
“Then allow me to assist.” Atom said, in a eerily cheerful manner as he unfolded his hands from behind his back and approached Kirsh’s terminal. “Nighty night.” He said without looking at yourself or Kirsh.
But it was done. Kirsh let out a garbled and modulated grimace before slumping forward at an awkward angle. You glowered at Atom who seemed unphased by his actions, rarely did he ever.
“There’s a system to shutting down a synthetic body.” You hissed as you cupped the back of Kirsh’s head and braced his shoulder to lean his limp half body back a little into a more dignified resting position.
“You are passionate about your field of work, aren’t you.” Atom mused as he watched you handle Kirsh, covering his entire body with the plastic sheet, as if tucking a child back into bed after a nightmare. “One begins to reason that you think of artificial persons as more than just work.”
You didn’t gratify him with an answer, it was the simplest form of rebellion when dealing with Atom.
“Walk with me.” He demanded lightly as he brushed past you, snatching up your forgotten data pad from the floor as he continued towards the doors.
You turned from Atom to look at Kirsh, his eyes rolled over white in his sedentary state. You reached up and deftly slip his eyelids down, as if to imitate sleep. Part of you couldn’t contain your gesture, your hand moved on instinct as you smoothed the back of it across Kirsh’s cheek.
“Are you waiting to read him a bed time story like the hybrids?” Atom’s condescending tone echoed through the lab, you grit your teeth and squeezed your eyes shut, willing the strength to put up with him to come forth.
With your nerves already worn thin, you strode towards Atom. “Make this fast.” You said.
“And here I thought you had time to spare.” Atom commented as he glimpsed to Kirsh and then to yourself. “Come along.”
You walked side by side in an awkward silence, Atom choosing a somewhat leisurely stroll which only served to irritate and make you all the more uncomfortable. Waiting for Atom to tell you why he needed you always sent people into spiralling waves of nerves and anxiety.
“Why did you run off?” Atom abruptly asked you, though his sights were fixed on the end of the corridor.
“During the meeting this morning, you ran out.” Atom clarified. “You were unable to witness the footage Kirsh had provided. I’m asking why.” Atom said, it wasn’t a request, it was a demand, you were to explain yourself like a child confessing your misgivings to their parent or teacher.
You knew there wasn’t much of a choice, and frankly you were exhausted in trying to dodge the question or cover up your blatant discomfort.
“Not exactly fond of watching my friend be crushed and severed in half.” You flippantly replied.
“Then why did you require Kirsh to be with you in order to watch it?” Atom pressed.
“What matter is it to you?” You asked. “Whether I watched what happened or not, why are you so concerned.”
Atom suddenly halted, and you felt your bravery waver a little. Perhaps a step too far in tone when addressing him. Regardless of how you felt, Atom was your superior, and was well within his rights to dismiss you over such misgivings.
“Interesting choice of words I must say.” Atom said, finally looking at you. “Concerned.”
“Can we please dispense with the theatrics Eins, I’m too tired and have very little patience for small talk.” You said, annoyance laced within your tone. If it had been anyone else, perhaps you would have stiffed out the discussion, but Atom wasn’t someone you made an effort to talk to even within the normal routine.
“I think you’ve become attached to Kirsh. In fact, I know you have. And you do as well.” Atom said matter of factly. “I think your emotions are getting in the way of your skills as a scientist and indeed a synth technician."
I think he complimented me. You bitterly remarked as you looked at the man, staring down at you like a child in trouble.
“Are you implying that I love Kirsh.” You asked flatly and with an air of sarcasm.
“Please don’t address me like I’m an idiot.” Atom said, low and serious. “Your feelings for him are flagrant and irresponsible.”
“Yet not against the law nor company rules. In fact I do believe it is accepted here, a boring concept, why - several of the staff members maintain synthetic relationships-“
“It’s not natural.” Atom stated, a flicker of frustration in his authoritarian voice.
“Why would it ‘concern’ you if I did? If I did choose Kirsh? If I did choose to act upon my feelings, irrational or not?” You asked, stepping closer to Atom, feeling a small flicker of confidence, or madness you weren’t sure. Perhaps the lack of sleep and emotional turmoil was spurring your actions. Frankly, you couldn’t care less, anything to get you out of Atom’s presence or be dismissed from him, whichever came first.
“You realise how...unnatural it is to harbour such feelings for artificial persons? Regardless of how regular it may seem, it is still shunned in social norms. How it fundamentally goes against human nature? Against Kirsh's programming. You as a human-“
“-I know what’s under that cold skin of yours. I’m one of the very few who can.” You interrupted Atom sharply, keeping your voice down but unwavering in your sight as you held his scathing gaze. “And perhaps, how I feel about Kirsh disturbs that part of you. How I feel about most, if not all, synths - disturbs you. You’ve made that crystal clear from the moment you approached me years ago on the back of Kavalier’s need for me to join this company. That despite my genius, it's my sympathy that makes you think of me as weak."
Atom remained silent, his brow tight as he continued to look down his nose at you, his hands now clutched at the data pad, squeezing and tightening with no doubt the thought of them around your mouth and neck to silence you.
“How I treat synths, as if they were flesh and blood, capable of loving and worthy of love. Friends, companions, lovers, it all means the same to me. And you. Cant. Stomach it.” You spoke the final part through gritted teeth, voice hissed and full of discontent as Atom’s mouth flattened into a hard line of frustration.
You expected a dismissal, hell even a shove or a slap. Instead, slowly, Atom held out your data pad for you to take.
“I would caution you curb such sympathies.” He said. “However, since it will be your undoing should you pursue them, therefore, on your own head be it.”
With that, Atom moved past you and approached the elevator towards the end of the corridor, his shiny and expensive shoes echoing with each step against the sterile floor as he walked. His imposing frame, standing stock still, unwavering as he glared at you as the doors closed over, etched into your mind.
Going toe to toe with Atom always left a horrible sinking feeling within you, within anyone who dared to argue back. He had a way of worming himself into your mind and undoing the threads of thoughts inside.
Despite this, you felt a slight air of pride about you in pushing back, in challenging him and his narrow views. You and Atom never aligned yourselves, you knew he regarded yourself – as well as Arthur and Dame – as ‘too soft’ when it came to synthetics and indeed the Hybrids.
It’s my priority to keep them safe. No matter the cost
Kirsh’s words rattled around in your tired mind as you rubbed and pinched your nose bridge post interaction with Atom. Flashes of the footage from the Maginot, the frightened Hybrids watching in horror during Kirsh’s final moments. The horrible ringing sounds followed by static.
Kirsh had risked everything to save them, to keep them safe. No matter the cost.
Your heart ached and your brain felt too big for your skull after today's emotional rollercoaster. With a heavy sigh, and waiting an safe amount of time for it, you approached the elevator and pressed the button to retrieve it, all the while waiting, you looked down the opposite end of the corridor to the lab doors, where Kirsh was sealed away, somewhat safe.
Part of you felt dissappointed that you couldn't explain more to Kirsh. You knew he was frustrated with your answers on why you needed him to be beside you in watching the footage. Perhaps he'd never know. Perhaps you might tell him. For now, you had done all you could with what little strength was left inside of you.
“No matter the cost.” You muttered repeatedly to yourself as the elevator chimed as it arrived back to the floor, ready to take you back home for the night.
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