Today's canine plush is: Neopets Pepsi blue Gelert
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@bluesubstitute
Today's canine plush is: Neopets Pepsi blue Gelert
this got like a thousand views on tiktok and i based the joke off a moment in the @joy-crimes stream so i think yall will like it maybe
WHY IS THIS TUNED SO WELL OH MY FUCKING GOD
dreamt that itch.io released their own special adaptable accessible super thin flexible silicon game controller called the Butterfly you could also fuck (they packaged each one with lube and toy cleaner) but there was no specific obvious way you were supposed to fuck it they encouraged everyone to find their own special unique way to fuck it. and they ran these ads for it that were different people from all walks of life saying what they do with it . sunburned rural dad who folds it hotdog style and jacks off into it. biracial masc lesbian with undercut who tribs with the joystick. young amputee in wheelchair who lets it vibrate on his lap while he works on his novel. etc. beautiful supermodel woman whos like "and me? i just game. hard." it ended with them all triumphantly saying into the camera "and thats how *I* fuck #MyButterfly"
dreamt that itch.io released their own special adaptable accessible super thin flexible silicon game controller called the Butterfly you could also fuck (they packaged each one with lube and toy cleaner) but there was no specific obvious way you were supposed to fuck it they encouraged everyone to find their own special unique way to fuck it. and they ran these ads for it that were different people from all walks of life saying what they do with it . sunburned rural dad who folds it hotdog style and jacks off into it. biracial masc lesbian with undercut who tribs with the joystick. young amputee in wheelchair who lets it vibrate on his lap while he works on his novel. etc. beautiful supermodel woman whos like "and me? i just game. hard." it ended with them all triumphantly saying into the camera "and thats how *I* fuck #MyButterfly"
just wanted to say you have an exceptional talent for writing guys who just suck so bad theyre just awful and terrible and so sucks and theyre like awful little baby birds in the bodies of regular guys and i need to view them under microscopes and feed them cat food off a popsicle stick
you people have such a way with words
the fantasy lesbian adventurer is immune to the seductive evil sorceress's feminine wiles because she's butch4butch
this is exactly why any evil sorceress worth her salt keeps a towering knightgirl in gleaming black armor "on retainer"
well it's one of two reasons anyway
cat and sometimes dog tv!!!
using tumblr is a really awesome way to learn about the types of people in the world because you will see a post by mutual #1 that's like "just jacked off with my awesome penis #my penis tag" and then scroll down exactly one post to see mutual #2 posting "this might be tmi but i live in a house"
my greatest accomplishment in life is that I inadvertently made my friend break up with her shitty boyfriend by throwing her a really fucking awesome birthday party
okay so I fucking love event planning and decorating and hosting and baking, aka all the elements of a banger birthday party. I am so freaking happy to throw people parties because it means I get to throw a party, then go to a party! yippee!
so my friend's birthday rolled around and I knew she wanted a party because I'd done them for her before, but I wanted to make it extra special because she was turning the big 25. so I did all the regular stuff I am So Excited About: had her roommates let me into her apartment while she was out, put up balloons and homemade garlands and streamers and table decor, made her favorite cake and snack plates and cocktails, ordered catering from a restaurant she loves, got a bunch of our friends to come over to surprise her, wrote her a disgustingly heartfelt card, etc. and then because it was the big quarter century, I was like I gotta do something extra.
now. I do not like clowns. my friend loves clowns. we've gone to the circus together and she's seen me literally close my eyes and hide when the clowns are out in the audience, meanwhile she's screaming and waving at them. so obviously I hired a clown for her birthday. (btw seeing him out of clown costume made me less freaked out because now I knew that the guy under there looks like someone's uncle.)
so she showed up after work totally expecting a party because I'm too paranoid to throw a real surprise party, and obviously loved it. and then I was like btw. there's a clown.
she lost her mind. she was sooo excited. she loved the party and she loved the clown. I was like haha yes I'm getting a good grade in birthday parties and didn't think much of it because frankly I do this a lot, and it's so much fun for me that I don't consider it work. like, I love doing all that for my friends. it's not any kind of sacrifice.
two days later, she texted me that she broke up with her boyfriend.
naturally I was like omg tell me everything I hated that guy let's get coffee. so we did and she told me that for her birthday, her boyfriend of nine months 1) forgot about it and didn't get her anything, 2) got mad at her for not texting him while she was at her party, 3) got mad at her for telling him about the party because it was "passive aggressive", and 4) called her immature and stupid for being excited about a clown at her birthday.
this was all very in character for him. but she'd just come from a lovely birthday party full of her friends who love her and want to put effort into making a nice day for her, where her friend who hates clowns hired a clown just to make her happy even though the party alone would've been plenty. and suddenly this wasn't a boyfriend being kinda forgetful and lazy, it was a glaring incongruity with everyone else in her life. so she finally dumped his ass. and I was soooo freaking happy. so clowns can be good.
that relationship was already over, she didn’t even bring her boyfriend to her birthday party at her own apartment
actually it's worse than that! she knew there would be a party, but not what day. I invited her boyfriend to the party. he said no.
pregnant with a bag of peas
congratulations + absolutely anytime
pregnant with a bag of peas
congratulations + absolutely anytime
The opposite of a mansion murder mystery where everyone present is a bounty hunter who really wants to take credit for the murder and the detective has to find out who really did it
Assistant: "What about the gunpowder found at the scene?"
Detective: "I thought about that as well! But as you can see from the bullet wound, it was clearly done posthumously."
Assistant: "Remarkable find! But why would someone shoot a corpse?"
*Bounty hunter 'Gun shootman' tossing his hat on the ground and stomping it as he rips up the contract he hoped to cash in on fulfilling*
Femme fatale: his ink bottle was knocked over detective. I dont know if that means anything but its all i could find. *coquettishly turns and shows off ink stains on dress*
Detective: The victim was murdered in the lounge actually so i don't think there should have been any ink there at all
Femme fatale: *takes off heels and throws them through the glass window*
In the end it’s revealed that the “victim” died of natural causes
legends
i am going to step on this child