So you remember the theory that Stiles spent the summer between seasons 2 and 3 helping Derek look for Erica and Boyd while Scott had his Self Improvement moment? This is imagined right after that 😌
Also borne of the idea that Stiles absolutely has personalized ringtones for most everyone in his contact list - so far I have Boy is a Bottom for Derek, Edwin Starr's War for his dad (they watch Rush Hour at least twice a year) Good Bi for Jackson (specifically the lyric 'I get what I want and I'm everyone's type' lol), either She Wolf or any Kesha song for Erica, and the X-files theme for Peter hehehe
And happy Friday the 13th to everyone but Derek Hale, for whom everyday might as well be Friday the 13th 🫡
Contenders to the description of Derek Hale's god-awful-no-good-very-shitty luck that didn't make the cut:
his life is in danger at least twice a week
if his life isn’t in danger, it’s because he’s already dead
he can’t walk out the door without getting Monster of the Week’d
the universe hates him
It was originally going to be 'Bro Saturday' but @renmackree helpfully pointed out Friday the 13th was coming up and I couldn't resist the date-appropriate joke opportunity!
Okay but imagine being the team of Eridian scientists tasked with keeping Erid's Only Human alive for as long as possible while the whole planet's environment is literally trying to kill him. And then Rocky shows up and is like:
“Grace says he would like half of dome to be water.”
“Oh, is necessary for humans to have large amounts of water question?”
Small Eridian equivalent of a sigh. “No. Not needed for life. In fact Grace will die if he falls in water and does not get out.”
“Tell him we give him water in containers that won't kill him. Lots lots lots of water on Erid for Grace to drink.”
“No. Grace say he want water on ground. Also want it with excess sodium chloride compound so it will be unhealthy for drink.”
To celebrate Erid getting their sun back on track, Grace asks for some alcohol. There's a small amount left from the Hail Mary and Rocky offers to take it to the science Eridians to see if they can synthesise more.
“Grace want this liquid for celebration.”
“Of course.” They scan it. “You have wrong liquid. This contain compounds which are poisonous for humans.”
“Yes yes yes. Grace say humans like feeling of being slightly poisoned.”
i imagine post-catws bucky is super averse to touching steve with his metal arm, afraid of tainting him with the weapon that took so many lives. eventually steve can't stand it any longer and presses his cold palm to his chest, saying, "you're not gonna hurt me."
I’ve been living in the ‘what if shane sent the we didn’t even kiss text’ tag and I Have Thoughts
Ilya “Russia’s Grestest Love Machine” Rozanov would’ve had the most BRUTAL crashout getting the ‘we didn’t even kiss’ text from Shane. Four words and I 100% believe that man is putting his hand through glass, punching mirrors, flipping tables
that text would cause enough psychic damage to cripple Ilya’s bloodline for generations ok
Ilya’s self worth is SO dependent on what he can provide and he’s always been the good hot sex teacher for Shane that’s their whole THING! Imagine getting a critique on the sex you JUST had VIA text FROM the man that you taught to give blowjobs? (The crowd boos as Ilya fumbles The Shane Hollander)
For Shane to (validly) call him out like that ilya would have to confront that he Didn’t Do Good and he did that to make himself feel better and yes I DO think that that would kill him instantly
art by @digrupert
betaing by @ghostintheclawmachine
coming this fall! date to come
I'm so excited to finally announce my project for @steddiebbang 2026, and reveal the incredible team I'm going to get to work with!
DEMOLITION
Rated E
est. 30-40k
contemporary AU, demolition derbies, rivals to lovers, one-sided rivalry, plot with porn, a hint of Appalachian Eddie
warnings for minor-moderate racism, misogyny, and homophobia; some blood and threat of serious injuries
Eddie's been driving demolition derbies since he was sixteen, and has built himself up a reputation: not just the guy with the gimmick of wrecking and rebuilding and wrecking old hearses, but a damn good driver and a great show. The Roane County Fair Hawkins Crash is his new white whale: the past two years he's won the title of Mad Dog—audience favorite, best show, craziest driver—but he's just missed first. But he just knows this is his year.
He's prepared for most everything except for the sponsor's rich, spoiled asshole of a son to be participating. (He's even less prepared for Steve Harrington to be a good driver, a great fuck, and maybe even a genuinely likeable person.)
Rivals to lovers and dirt and rust and car crashes, and not every car crash is a sex allegory, but a lot of the car crashes are a sex allegory. The sex is definitely a car crash allegory.
Excerpt:
The sun's going down and the floodlights have been turned on, turning the soft golden hour light into something harsh and stark. Despite his helmet and mouth guard, Eddie can still taste dirt and iron between his teeth from the constant clods of mud kicked up by the tires. The arena is filled with the stench of exhaust and oil and gas, burnt rubber and the ozone sharpness of metal grinding against metal.
Beneath Eddie, Corroded Coffin wheezes and gutters, the hearse on its last legs. She can't take many more hits. She struggles to turn right, and the brakes grind, and the body is dented in enough that his left elbow constantly rubs against the quilt strapped to the driver's side door as makeshift padding.
Across the arena, Harrington's Chrysler Imperial has lost all of it's polish and shine, paint ground off, scraped through, coated in mud, though the light still catches on the sheen of lingering glitter. Eddie can't see his face at this distance, cast in shadow, even staring straight down the barrel. But he can hear the engine roar.
A head-on collision is stupid. It's a good way to trash your car and knock yourself out of the running. But.
Eddie's heart pounds and his blood sings and every fiber of his body screams at him to drive his car directly into, against, through, Harrington's, until mangled metal twists together and you can't tell where one body starts and another ends.
They're the last men standing. And a head-on hit always makes for a good show.
In the background of the video clip, posted by a fan at the hotel breakfast just before Christmas 2018, Shane Hollander is talking on the phone. He looks tired but he's smiling, pushing scrambled eggs around his plate with a fork. "I saw, baby," he says. "No, definitely, no way that was slashing, I'm with you. You'll get them next time, though. Beautiful goal you got in the first, that was so fucking sexy. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Love you."
Which leads to a bit of an uproar because omg Shane Hollander has a girlfriend?? who plays hockey???? that's so on brand for him like. okay who was playing last night and got a goal in the first period, we need to find the woman who has Shane Hollander crooning into his phone like a lovestruck teenager. and the consensus lands on an unsuspecting and entirely unrelated CWHL forward who has never even been in the same city as Shane but the Internet is running with the story and there's journalists harassing her and Shane has to get his agent to call her agent so he can apologise for this mess and she's like, dude, I know it's not your fault, but Shane feels so fucking bad about it, you know?
And unfortunately it doesn't really let up as quickly as they thought because it's right before Christmas and isn't this a great story, fucking Hallmark movie shit, so a very unimpressed Leila (her name is Leila) has to look a reporter in the eye after her team just played a really good fucking game of hockey and everybody wants to talk to her about some fucking guy, you know? so she looks him in the eye and says, no, I am not dating Shane Hollander, I have never dated Shane Hollander, I will never date Shane Hollander, I am literally a lesbian. I have a whole-ass girlfriend. She plays for the Blades.
And Shane Hollander is so consumed by jealousy he almost chokes.
okay but some of the ideas in jupiter ascending are literally so galaxy-brained? like, the concept that capitalism taken to its utmost extreme would result in a "superior" (read: ultra-wealthy) class exploiting whole planets of people for their own gain? the way that the three siblings play off each other, when you're ultimately left like "shit man at least balem fucking told her he wanted her dead even though he had some seriously fucked-up emotions regarding his dead mother like holy shit can you say oedipus complex my god". but the sister is like, "the ultimate resource, the only one that matters, is more time" and that's a profound concept and also again so horrifically accurate and dystopian because she's literally stealing time from not just people but whole planets' worth of people, and has been for thousands of years, they've grown them for this purpose and of course that would be elon musk's fucking wet dream, to be able to buy himself more time, and while i don't think he or anyone else would just like. immediately jump to "kill whole planets for it" i also think that if he felt like that was the only way, he would be like "it's the Greater Good. i have Unlocked Immortality For The Human Race" and be totally blind to the fact that it was only for the rich ones, on the backs of everyone else. and yet she's still nice? just because you're a genocidal self-serving ultra-capitalist immortal monster doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it. which is so. how the human condition works?
and yet this movie also has "bees can sense royalty" and whatever the fuck was going on with channing tatum's character and a wooden (yet somehow refreshingly horny*) love story and an exhaustingly-long chase scene that could have been thirty seconds and the Great Disappearing Sean Bean Daughter and
like it's somehow simultaneously "terrible idea, flawless execution" and "flawless idea, terrible execution"
(*in contrast to the "everyone is beautiful, no one is horny" trope, channing tatum looks like a snack and by god is mila kunis ready to eat him)
#jupiter ascending #if you’ve ever been 12 years old this film is for you #did you like animorphs? you know that Vibe? is here #it’s spectacular and terrible and thoroughly entertaining #it should’ve had an unending YA series. and yet with the single product it remains unparalleled #you don’t need cold medicine. you need jupiter ascending (@rooksunday)
Murderbot, dramatically draped over the back of ART-drone's chair while it's trying to pilot the ship:
"and I thought the desert rock planet and jungle themed stations were fucking annoying but then the next one was construction site themed and they weren't even actually doing construction! I mean they did have a giant hole in the middle of the floor but that was only for a stupid hologram of a-"
ART-drone: Are we going to finish watching this fucking show or what.
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