Broken Butterfly Unlikely You

This is a blog for me to post my jumbled thought process in order to sift through them to find myself again. Also, it might help someone else that can relate to some of my situations. It's been a long 23 years of my life and I just need to find an outlet to let it all out without repercussions and pressures from others.

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

How do we become better versions of ourselves?

Where do I start?

This question has been picking at my brain for weeks now. I thought starting a spiritual journey would help me, but that's only help me realize some why I am the way I am. I know they write books on this stuff, but should someone else really be telling you how to be you?

I feel like I am way too young for a mid-life crisis but I feel like that's what I am going through right now. I'm only 23 years old and I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis, how does this happen you ask?

Well, let's start with my theory. I've never had a concept of how I am "supposed" to act for my age. I had to grow up at a young age which led me to never really have a childhood and always have this instinct to mother and be right all the time. Which are somethings about myself I want to change, well I still want to be a mother, but I don't want to feel the need to feel like I am responsible for everyone all the time, because I know I am not but it just feels like I have to be.

Why do I feel this way? Well, it's all I know. I started raising my siblings at a fairly young age, I could change a diaper, clothed a baby, make a bottle, and bathed a baby by the age of 5. I know this sounds preposterous but it's my truth. I didn't have a childhood. I gave mine up so my siblings could have theirs and maybe that's where it all began. Because truthfully, they all I guess you could say act their age, but not me. I've been engaged twice now and I have actively been trying to have a baby for about 4 years now. And between the lines of all of this was some real deranged stuff.

I'm 23 years old and feel as if I should already be in a house, with two kids, and a husband. But I am not there yet, I am truthfully no where near that ideal situation other than I am engaged to a wonderful man who wants to make those dreams come true. How do I make them come true though? Where do I start?

I feel like I need to find me in order to find what I need to do in life to make my dream a reality, but that just leads me back to how do we become a better version of ourselves?

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

The most notorious unsolved crime in every state

I started reading this article of the most notorious unsolved crimes in every state. This has definitely sent me down a rabbit hole. So, I am going to start one by one mentioning them on here, because I feel like I have not heard almost any of these crimes until today. And me being such a True Crime Junkie, watching and listening to so many true crime podcasts, youtube videos, documentaries etc. I was surprised that I had not heard of almost any of them.

Here's the article:

The most notorious unsolved crime in every state

Across the US, there are serial killers who haven't been caught, missing people who haven't been found, and murders that haven't been solved

It's definitely worth the read if you are into True Crime. They give you just enough of the story to get you hooked. I'm currently on state 20 reading through the article and pausing and going to youtube or google to research more on it. Once I have gotten more information I will post each states unsolved crime and see if any of them have been solved since the post is dated for 2020, maybe some of them have been solved this year.

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

Why is it so Hard?

Why is it so hard to make positive changes in your life?

I wrote out a month ago how I wanted to make some positive changes to my daily routine, I have not achieved any of them except one. I was finally able to be productive on my days off. I'm cleaning more, taking care of myself, and my animals. Prioritizing the important things in life right now.

I still want to make more positive changes in my life though. In order to start my spiritual journey and self-discovery I need to get more proactive with it. Because right now I am letting my depression and lack of energy get the best of me.

I'm going to give myself a break this month because my fiance' and I just went through something kind of emotionally tiring. We had our first chemical pregnancy, this was his first lost with me and I feel awful about it. But it's not my first loss. I feel bad about it because he was so excited when we finally got a positive I did too, unfortunately it was short live. Now all we can do is pray and continue trying. My TTC journey is going to continue, but right now it'll be put off until we both heal and get in a better place.

Right now I just want to focus on bettering myself, my living environment and relieve some of the stress that we are both currently taking on. Once we get to a better place mentally and emotionally then we will continue and be better than ever.

Things will get better from here. I just need to focus on me and him. Stop stressing and worrying about things that are outside of my control. Maybe with the positivity I can get in a better mindset and start focusing on what I wanted to do in the first place.

Thank you for reading my story and I promise that I'm not trying be negative. Things just have not went well this past weekend. The stress is starting to get to me and I really need some relief from it and coming on here and being able to write it out helps me tremendously. So, thank you.

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

Adult Struggles

Anybody else struggling to be an adult nowadays?

Nope, just me. Okay.

It's been a rough few months for me to say the least. I decided to take the plunge and move to a new state because of personal reasons. Now I will admit some of the aforementioned things I will take credit for because I really should have done research before moving to the new state. But unfortunately, I was blinded by the idea of a fresh start. At the time of the decision to move we had less than two months to pack an entire house and I was working 5-6 days a week for about 12-16 hours a day. So, I was fairly tired and wore out by the time I got home. Plus, I was moving with people who had lived in the state before so I thought I was in good hands at the time. I trusted the process.

I should have done research though, because now I am in deep deep hole. That I am afraid that I will not be able to dig myself out of it. My car is in rough shape and in the state that I moved to you have to get your car inspected and have it pass inspection before you can register it with the state. Well, last month we just did not have the money to get everything that needed to be fix on the car done. Which means we are on are second temporary permit and that is the final one that we can get.

Now, to just list a few things that is wrong with my car:

-My drivers side tail light was smashed. (Long story but it was not my fault and it was not wrecked.) This small part cost me $70. Which I know does not seem like a lot of money to most, but for someone who is LITERALLY living pay check to pay check and barely making ends meet right now that's a lot of money.

-My brakes need to be replaced. Now this was something that I kept trying to save for but no one can save $700 overnight. Especially, when you are doing your best to keep your head above water. I've thrown out the idea of having them professionally replaced. If we don't get them professionally replaced it'll be around $170-200 according if we can buy them and find someone kind enough to put them on for free.

-Now if none of that was enough, my flipping airbag light came one randomly. I think it's in correlation to the compact of when my tail light was hit. But I can't be sure until I pay someone $200 to diagnose it.

-Oh and on top of that my rear view mirror just decided to pop off on me the other day. And I have had the damnedest time getting it to go back on. Thank goodness this isn't a monetary fix. Well, hopefully not.

If none of this was enough to break me, I just found out it will cost me about $200-300 in registration fees to get my car officially registered. Yeah...and this is coming from someone who has a terrible credit score so unfortunately I am not able to get a loan. All I got is pray for me. Because I am definitely going to need it. I just keep trying to remind myself that it'll work itself out but in all honesty I am not a person who cannot worry. That's something I don't like about myself sometimes, I worry way too much about everything.

This is one of the many reasons why I am trying to better myself and find a better me. This is why I am on a journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening. I want to better myself and find peace within myself. Because right now it's like I am constantly at war internally. Thank you for listening to my rant/vent. Adulting is substantially hard now a days, especially since the pandemic severely messed up the economy.

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

Daily Horoscope 05-01-21

Pisces -

You might experience emotional stress this morning and so you will feel low today. But in the afternoon you will feel strong and invigorated. Prevent your emotions from going in the wrong direction.

Cancer -

A restless or irritating mood is indicated. Keep you cool and be calm even in adverse circumstances. If you do so, you will always succeed in life. It is difficult to wriggle out of adversity, if you have hot temper.

Aries -

Today, you will try to strike a balance between work and family; your sulking little ones may have prompted this move. After spending a hectic day at work, you may pull out Monopoly and teach your kids a thing or two about money.

Taurus -

Love will come knocking at your door today. Your wits are likely to remain very lively in the afternoon. A romantic mood will ignite your evening, as you please yourself by showering attention on near and dear ones.

Gemini -

You will feel all warm and fuzzy owing to the love, care and concern bestowed upon you by your near and dear ones. This is all owing to the good karma you have gathered in the past. You will be busy with finances in the evening, however, do not let money be a factor when it comes to family and relatives.

Leo -

At home or in the office, some important events will occur which will bring about a change in your daily routine and make this a special day for you. It is a good day to change your residence or office. You will work with dedication to finish your tasks.

Virgo -

If your authority is questioned today, you will probably take to wielding your stick. A risky financial venture is a distinct possibility. Something unexpected and unpleasant in the evening will give you cause for some worry. However, advises you not to take it to heart, as there is a lot of hope.

Libra -

If your authority is questioned today, you will probably take to wielding your stick. A risky financial venture is a distinct possibility. Something unexpected and unpleasant in the evening will give you cause for some worry. However, advises you not to take it to heart, as there is a lot of hope.

Scorpio -

A no-profit no-loss day in store for you. There are chances that family may suffer from basic requirements at home front. Keep your dinner jacket or evening gown ready as your beloved is all set to invite you for a romantic, candle lit dinner.

Sagittarius -

A good Samaritan, today you think good not only for yourself, but also for people around you. You are heading towards a bright future and this will boost your confidence. Household affairs will remain calm and quiet. An easy-going day for you at work.

Capricorn -

Generally, you are not conscious about your outer appearance. But, today is an exceptional day as you pay attention to your clothes, hair, shoes, and overall presentation of yourself. You are not making all the efforts just for the sake of it. You are getting ready for an important meeting, may be personal or professional.

Aquarius -

The first half of the day will be somewhat unfavorable. At work, the bosses may shout at you and colleagues may not support you enough. In the evening, spend some time with your friends and family to unwind from a taxing day at work.

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

What will be showcased on my blog?

To simplify things, it will probably contain anything and everything that interests me or I found interesting.

Anything that I copy from an article will be sited and linked at the end of the blog. That way I am giving credit where credit is due.

One of my biggest interests is true crime so of course I will show case some interesting cases and my opinions on them. Because I love to dissect a good true crime case.

Whatever may show up on my blog I want to try and keep everything as positive as possible. But there will come times where it may keep depressing because I may be going through a depressive episode, but I promise it will go back to being positive vibes. :)

[brokenbutterflyunlikelyyou]

Introducing ME

Though I want to stay anonymous for many reasons, I did want to introduce a few things about me.

Let's say my "name" is Butterfly, I am 23 years old, I am a Pisces, I have endometriosis, I just got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder "Mixed Features" in 2020, and my thought process is typically all over the place. Especially, with my interests. I felt like blogging would be a good way of getting some of things that weigh heavily on my mind off of it. I want to challenge myself to post daily even if it's more than one post.

I've been on this quest of self discovery and spirituality awakening. For many reasons, including I feel like somewhere through the years I have lost myself, what I want and I have let others just influence me from there. I don't want to be a follower. I just want to be me.

Some of my interests lately are True Crime, Astrology, Tarot Readings, Meditation, Spirituality, and TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I listen to quite a few True Crime Podcasts, but by far my favorite one is called True Crime Junkies. I just started a spiritual awakening journal for myself to log my progress and learn more about how to begin my spiritual journey. My spiritual journey has included astrology, tarot readings, meditation and keeping a journal. The reason I have been getting into astrology with my spiritual journey is to learn more about me and maybe the reason I am the way I am sometimes. My TTC journey has been long and really emotionally tiring. But we will get to that story eventually.

This has been a little about me. I'm not trying to impress anyone and I just wanted to share my journey and experience just in case there's someone else out there like me who has jumbled thoughts and is going through some of the same things as me.

To find myself I need to shuffle through some of the random thoughts and rants I have internally. Hopefully, doing so will help me get through some of life's hard balls as well.

Thank you for reading the post, if you have any questions or comments please don't be afraid to ask them or state them in the comments. Please re-frame from nasty and negative comments because they will not be acknowledged. Positive vibes only.