a loud whisper

a writing outlet.

[buriedinamind]

Back

I came back home. Didn't expect to see you so soon, but there you were; there I was. And there we were, again. Retreated back into my old heart, my fingers typing you a message, one I may regret. Now it's like it was in Spring, except the feelings aren't brand new they're familiar, and I feel guilty. Guilty for crawling back into skin that ruined me, skin that I know will ruin me again. And this time, it won't be his fault.

[buriedinamind]

Revisited

I want you and maybe you want me. But I will never know, because we may never be.

[buriedinamind]

It Happened, Again

This is what it feels like. Gravity, except you are too heavy to pick up your own feet. Swollen eyes from too many tears, from loud cries because you wanted someone to hear you, but no one did. Fabric in your mouth when screaming into your pillow and salvia on your pillow because you screamed too long. Heart on the ground and neck in your chest, your pupils wide open, fixated on the organ that is barely keeping you alive. Deafness and blindness and losing sense of who you are. Drifting slowly and forgetting the words. This is what heartbreak feels like. This is when I have to glue myself back together again, even when I'm out of glue.

[buriedinamind]

Chocolate

Your words were so sweet, like chocolate. I tasted them when your tongue danced with mine. And I remember how tongue tied we got. I remember choking on your words; I swallowed them whole. You knew I had a sweet tooth. It was almost too easy for you. I was too easy for you. You had all the chocolate I could ever want and you knew exactly when to give it to me.

I thought you were sweet. But anyone can be sweet if they taste like chocolate.

I know this now. Maybe I just wanted chocolate all along.

[buriedinamind]

I think of you, sometimes. And sometimes, I wonder if you think of me, too. But the truth is, I know you don’t; now, you think of her. So instead, I think of you and how at one moment in your life, you were thinking of me, too. Even though it was only for a moment, it was nice.

[buriedinamind]

Consolation Prizes

I'm priceless, and she's on sale. You said "money can't buy happiness", so I took your word, but you took the bargain anyway.

[buriedinamind]

Whatever you tell yourself is what you'll believe. There's nothing other than what we tell ourselves, so our minds see it as the truth. Consequently, what we think is what we become. Because of this, it is paramount that we only encourage ourselves. To be the person we want to be, we have to tell ourselves who that person is, and then, that we are that person. That person is brave. I can be brave; therefore, I am. That person is selfless; I want to be selfless, and I can. That person is confident. I can be confident; I am confident. You can choose what truths to tell yourself, which means you can be who you want to be. You just have to say it: I can.

[buriedinamind]

I wanted the white canvas

I knew your name, but not you. You made yourself this person, so recklessly painted on my last white canvas. When you finished, you framed it, hung it on the wall, and called my name. You knew my name, and you knew me. I wanted the white canvas. I wanted you. I didn’t want your name.

[buriedinamind]

We erode, we break down, but for every loss comes a replacement. Not something better, not something worse, just something different. It takes years to notice the extent of our growth, our change. And we are continuously changing. Yet, we also continue to stay the same, always knowing the core of our being. We are landforms.

[buriedinamind]

Don’t tell me I should be or act a certain way after the years it has taken me to love who I am. Finally, I have stopped wondering what people think of me. Finally, I have embraced and grown into my own skin. Never, ever tell me I should try to be someone else. Never tell me I should strive to become more like him or her. Never tell me “it will be okay”, because soon I will no longer posses the characteristic that has me deviating from the majority. I like who I am. I like why I am. I won’t adapt to fit to a standard. Don’t tell me I should change; I won’t.

[buriedinamind]

Here's the truth: you will never accomplish anything until you believe in yourself. That's great that your parents believe in you, that your best friends believe in you, or even that lonely poster on the wall. But essentially, none of that can do anything for you; only you can do something for you. It takes time. And please, don't push yourself. Don't convince yourself you are great. I mean, you are, but really, you have to truly believe you are. I do; maybe you don't yet. I could sit here all day and tell you how great you are, but nothing is going to change unless every inch of your body believes you can accomplish anything. And I promise, you can. Please, believe in yourself. It's time people stop doing it for you.

[buriedinamind]

Water the Flowers

I’m sorry I forgot to water the flowers.

I’m sorry for thinking you didn’t need the water. I’m sorry I forgot to plant more around you. I’m sorry for thinking you could survive in emptiness. I’m sorry it took so long.

I’m sorry I forgot to water the flowers.

[buriedinamind]

I Saw Nothing

You were under my skin; you were crawling around. You went through every cabinet, drawer, and bin. You spread the papers, all neat and thin, but you couldn’t see; the light was dim.

You almost had me. I thought they were true– all the words, phrases–but nothing was new.

You are nothing at all. No thoughts or locked cages. So you took the fall; you made no changes.

I was under your skin; I was crawling around. I went through every cabinet, drawer, and bin. I spread the papers, all neat and thin, and I could see; there was nothing within.

[buriedinamind]

We come in waves. One after the other, crashing over and over again. The calm before the white wash is the best part. It seems as if time has stopped. There’s a strange, but comforting silence. So you lay there, floating, but at the same time, drowning. The worst consequences come of you facing the shore. You think everything is fine. You sit, basking in the water, looking at the tiny people on the sand as if they are a lifetime away. We know you forgot that when you face the shore, you are not facing what is behind you. Suddenly, you’re under water; we have pulled you down, your limbs and hair tangle. You begin to wonder if we will ever release you so you can breathe again. It’s a foreign feeling–being submerged–yet we have a familiar touch. Like a tap on the shoulder, turning you around, reminding you we are still here. And we always will be.

A message from anxiety

[buriedinamind]

You spend your whole life thinking that somewhere out there in the world there is someone made to fall only into your arms. You know that this person will fit into your life perfectly, like a single puzzle piece making the masterpiece whole. You spend all this time, thinking that you will instantaneously know who the missing piece is once they come along. You tell yourself you will know it’s right because there will be an unbecoming sensation in the pit of your stomach, something foreign, but yet so recognizable; it’s the feeling of knowing you have met the person you are meant to be with. And you spend your whole life thinking about this moment, waiting for this feeling to arise. It’s what we all wait for. So, no one is getting anywhere. Everyone is alone and everyone is sad because everyone is waiting for their missing piece. No one is out there, looking for their destiny. It’s time to stop waiting around and it’s time to confront your life and demand it to answer you. You can’t spend your precious time sitting and hoping for someone to gracefully enter your life like some unexpected knock at your door in the middle of the night. That’s not how it works. It’s time to change. It’s time for you stop being patient and start being impatient and find the person that you’re meant to be with.

[buriedinamind]

I don’t need anyone to love me. I need me to love me. That’s enough. That’s all I need to live a life I’ve always dreamed of having. I don’t need anyone’s validation, or opinion, or pity; I can take care of that myself. I need to believe that I am great, because I am. No one can make your dreams happen for you. Only you can. It all comes down to you. Every time. Not anyone else. Only you.

[buriedinamind]

It’s weird, you know, being alone. You can feel independent and free because you have the power to do whatever you please without the influence of other people. Or, you can feel small, like you are confined and pushed in a box, away from reality, unimportant, and ignored. But I think no matter how you feel when you’re alone, especially if you are consistently alone, you will ask yourself, “Can I escape? Should I escape?”