only you can be my healer @calliopewritings - Tumblr Blog

only look at me

jaemin x genderneutral!reader

word count: 4.65k

you should’ve known. you mistook kindness for love.

warnings/tags: best friends to lovers (idiots to lovers), fluff, angst

songfic inspired by only - day6 !

-

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful you

I love you

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful you

I want you to know

My dedication to you

In this world

Perhaps you’re the one person

Who doesn’t know it

The amount of colour decorating the school hallways was almost hurting your eyes, several large “PROM!” signs plastered onto the walls, and decorative garlands across the ceilings. Your school really went all out for prom… and it wasn’t even prom night. In fact, prom wasn’t until next week, but the decorations couldn’t wait it seemed. Despite the excessive amounts of glitter stuck to any available surface, you found the corners of your mouth quirking up in fondness at the sight of several promposals being accepted.

It wasn’t like your heart was made of stone and it was nice to see everyone smiling. There’d been no disastrous prom-related events yet, and you hoped it’d stay that way - you much preferred the promposals with happy endings. You won’t lie and say you didn’t gag at the couple excessively making out in the hallway yesterday, after a sweet promposal, but you’d rather have some not-so-PG-13 action than you’d have people holding back tears as they make a run for the bathroom.

Grabbing some necessary books from your locker, you paid special attention to some students not far from you. The guy down the hallway, currently mid-promposal was in your Physics class, you knew him fairly well. When the girl accepted and pulled him in for an awkward - but sweet - hug, you smiled in relief. Must be nice, you thought.

You were shaken from your thoughts when you sensed a sudden presence leaning on the locker beside yours. “What’s got my beautiful angel smiling today?” leaning softly on the locker was your best friend, a cheeky smile on his face. You huffed out a breath “you need to cool it Jaemin, my urge to resort to violence grows every day.”

“Guess I’ll have to try harder.” He pushed off the lockers and offered his hand, “May I lead you to Social Studies, love?” With a shake of your head, you accepted his hand.

“Do you even listen?” He shrugged. “Your eyes say it all, baby,” he teased, pushing his face into yours, and your nose scrunched at the mere cheesiness. Your head told you it was stupid, he’d just delivered the most generic line ever, but your heartbeat picked up its’ pace and you couldn’t seem to calm it.

The thing with Jaemin was, he looked at you with what seemed like all the love in the universe, and honestly, you probably did the same with him. Problem was, you weren’t sure that meant anything, at least not to him. He had always been the flirty type, he often made moves on you, but they never meant anything, that was just how he was. Besides, he cared immensely for everyone. That was one of the things you admired about him, his ability to care so much, even for strangers. He was always putting other people ahead of himself. He looked at everyone with love, you were sure.

You turned your head to look at your best friend - he was already looking at you. Your eyes met his, and your breath hitched at the close proximity, eyes wide in surprise. You didn’t like it one bit. How your breath was ripped from your lungs whenever he came too close, or whenever you agreed to go to the arcade instead of doing homework, and he beamed that beautiful smile of his. You hated that he looked at you with stars in his eyes, and that he took your breath away, and that he held your hand whenever you’d stand next to each other. You hated it because you loved it so much. You loved him so much. But that also meant you could lose him, and you didn’t want to lose him - your best friend, your comfort, your Jaemin.

So you turned your head again, breaking the eye contact and picking up your pace, as you entered the classroom which you’d reached. Jaemin followed as you took a seat at the back, and he watched as you brought out your book and your colour-coded pens. You felt his gaze. He looked at you with love.

-

You always

Follow my gaze

With uncertainty in your eyes

Packing your notes back into your bag, you got ready to leave school for the day. You and Jaemin lived close to each other, so you always walked home together. At the cross-section where you had to part ways, he’d always give you at least two flying kisses and a not-very-threatening threat to text when you’d gotten home.

You knew his last lesson of the day was Math, so you went in the direction of his classroom to find him. As you were about to round a corner, you recognised the voice of your best friend speaking. Under normal circumstances, you’d keep walking, but his words made you stop dead in your tracks.

“Will you go to prom with me?”

Heart in your throat, you dared to sneak a peek at the scene. One second was all you needed, you knew the girl. She was in your Literature class - Jieun - very sweet, caring, fun. You’d never heard a single bad thing uttered about her. You were sure they would look good together, no doubt she’d treat him well. You wanted him to find someone who would treat him well.

So then, why was your vision slowly blurring?

However, it wasn’t the person he asked that caught your attention, it was the way he looked at her. He looked at her with love. You should’ve known. You mistook kindness for love. You left in a hurry.

-

Baby, you are my only love

My love is not two

There is only one

So no need to worry, love

I wish you could entrust yourself to my love

And only look at me

“I’ll message you later, then?” You walked side by side with your new partner for the literature assignment. You managed to discuss it a bit as you made your way to the cafeteria. “Sounds good, Jieun,” you agreed, and the girl smiled back at you with an enthusiastic nod of her head.

You spotted Jaemin at your table, out of the corner of your eye, and just as Jieun was about to part from you and go to her friends, you placed a hesitant hand on her arm. “Uh, do you- do you maybe want to join us for lunch? I-I mean Jaemin and I?” and immediately feared her answer. It was already clear to you, the way she’d be smiling at him, and he’d smile back at her, and it would be sickeningly cute. Maybe he’d hold her hand - he usually held yours - and they’d share food - he always gave you the sweets on the side “they’re almost as sweet as you” he’d add - they’d make a good couple…

To your surprise, Jieun gave a shake of her head, smile still bright, “It’s okay, I won’t disrupt the two of you. Besides, one of my friends owes me lunch.” And then she was off, hurrying towards her own table. Perplexed, but relieved, you went to take a seat with Jaemin, who greeted you with a big smile.

You finished your lunch faster than usual. His heart eyes were becoming increasingly suffocating to you.

As you and Jaemin got up and started walking to the next class, you were stopped by someone behind you. “I-I’m sorry but-” the guy looked a little nervous as his eyes flickered between you and Jaemin, and rested for a while on your linked hands. Then he took a deep breath in and looked straight into your eyes. “Y/n, can I talk to you for a second?” Your brows furrowed in slight confusion - Jaemin’s hand tightened around yours.

The guy’s pleading eyes bore into yours and you could tell he was nervous about something. Letting go of your best friend’s hand, you gave him a small smile, “Go ahead, I’ll be right there,” you assured, and he hesitantly left in the direction of the classroom.

You focused your attention on the stranger in front of you. “How can I help you?” you asked, a small smile on your lips. He nervously shifted his weight, “You probably don’t know me, and uh- uh we don’t have any classes together, but… I- uh- I’ve seen you around and I think you seem really nice so…-” he visibly gulped and your brows furrowed even further. When he spoke again, he did it so quickly you barely registered it, “WouldYouMaybeWantToBeMyDateForProm?” and he ended it with a nervous chuckle.

It took you a couple of seconds to register it fully - and then you felt awful. You didn’t want to reject the guy, he seemed sweet. What if he cries? You couldn’t do that to him, no way. But then… you also couldn’t accept. It wouldn’t be fair to him - not when you knew who you’d be thinking of on prom night.

You looked into his shaking eyes and forced the words out of your mouth.

“I’m sorry, but… I’m not really looking for a prom date,” you told him. It wasn’t really a lie. Well only partly at least. You were in fact looking for a prom date, but only if he went by the name of Na Jaemin.

He gave sad smile in return. “Ah, that’s okay. Honestly, I was kind of expecting this outcome,” he rubbed his neck anxiously as his eyes flickered back and forth. Then he cleared his throat, “But hey! If you find yourself in need of a dance partner at prom, feel free to approach me.” You let out a small chuckle, “Of course,” you assured, and his eyes lit up, the sad smile from before dissipating.

When you settled next to Jaemin in class, he looked a little distraught. You linked your pinky finger with his, which was resting on the desk, and gave him a curious look. “Everything okay?” He merely gave a tight smile in return and turned his attention to the teacher who’d just entered. With a small frown, you did the same and directed your attention to the board. However, your mind was on your best friend. Maybe something was wrong…

You tapped his hand with your pinky and you saw his eyes flitting to you. “Want to go to the arcade today?” you offered, hoping to cheer him up, and it seemed to work. His gaze was once again on you and the corners of his mouth lifted a little. His eyes filled with love. You didn’t mind this time, you just didn’t want to see him down. You wanted him to keep looking at you like that.

-

Why would I look at some else?

When the person right in front of me

Is the most beautiful being

In the entire world

It was raining, and it was raining hard. You’d just gotten up to leave for the day when the rain started violently pouring from above. Umbrella in hand, you rushed to get to the gym hall where Jaemin would be. It was located away from the rest of the building, to get there you’d have to run through the rain, which was fine for you - you had the umbrella. However, Jaemin did not have an umbrella. He’d given his own to someone else that very morning when the rain has been light, as he noticed they were trying to shield their face from the rain with their hands. With no umbrella, he’d merely snuggled under yours and you’d shared.

You and Jaemin usually met at the front gate, and you had no doubt that, despite his lack of shield against the harsh rain, he’d run outside just to get to your meeting spot. So you ran for the gym hall. Luckily, your teacher let you off a couple of minutes before class ended, so you hoped you’d be able to reach him before he stupidly walked into the rain and caught a cold.

You got there just in time - he was just about to step into the rain when you reached him. He looked surprised to see you there and rested a comforting hand on your shoulder as you put your hands on your knees and caught your breath. “Y/n? Did you run here?” You huffed out a small “Yes,” as you regained your posture, having caught your breath. He sent an amused smile your way and you sent a bright one in return. His smile took away your breath, just as it always did, but you were just happy to have gotten there in time.

You opened up the umbrella you’d carried, and he stepped under it with you.

“Thanks, Angel.” You turned your head to see him still smiling at you. He looked at you with love. His hair stuck lightly to his forehead, probably from showering after PE, but the rain had wet his skin slightly as well. Quite simply, he looked ethereal to you (he always did though). Your breath caught again, and your heart sped up like crazy as you took in the sight of your best friend. You looked at him with love too.

-

You also know in your heart

That I can’t lie

I think you feel my sincerity

A squeal pierced through your ears and you grimaced at the sound. Your friend, Sooyoung, grabbed you by the shoulders, shaking you lightly. “You look just dashing! Want to get married?” with a chuckle you gestured for her to turn around, “Just let me zip you up, silly.”

Prom night arrived quicker than expected - to be honest, you’d been fearing it a bit. You didn’t want to worry about Jieun and Jaemin slow dancing, gazing lovingly at each other, which is why you made Sooyoung promise to not leave your side.

You zipped up her dress and she immediately sat the two of you down on the bed. “Do you want me to rig the votes? I can make you and Jaemin win?” you noted that she sounded a bit too excited at the prospect and quickly denied. “No way! He’s there with Jieun!”

Your friend let out a sigh and went to put on her earrings, “If you say so Y/n. Just let me know if you need anything, I’m not opposed to crime either, you know.” With a chuckle, you threw a nearby pillow at the girl, “Don’t make me an accomplice when you actually commit a crime one day, Sooyoung.” She merely smiled at your remark and threw the pillow right back at you. “But that’s what friends are for!” And she pulled you into a hug which had you both toppling over on her bed.

At least you’d have Sooyoung by your side tonight - someone to take your mind of Jaemin and Jieun and the way they’d look perfect next to each other. Maybe their parents are taking cute photos of them right now… Maybe they’ll be leaving in Jaemin’s car soon… Maybe she’ll sit in the passenger seat, which is usually reserved for you. At least she’s sweet. She’ll be so good to him. She’ll look at him with love. That’s good… Right?

-

I have no thoughts of sharing this love

With anyone other than you

I am ready only for you

The over-the-top decorations in the hallways were clearly just a small appetiser to the real deal because the school gym hall was absolutely stuffed with decorations and - though the amount of glitter that adorned the room made you fear you might choke and die on it - you were stunned at how pretty it was. Tables filled with snack and drinks placed on your left, Sooyoung on your right. She nudged you with her elbow, “Let’s pillage the snack table,” and then she was pulling you by the hand with newfound animosity in her eyes.

After half an hour by the snacks, you were able to convince Sooyoung she’d stolen enough already. “I could’ve fit at least three more mini pizzas in there, you know, and those are heavenly the day after,” she complained, and you gave her arm a weak slap. “I’ll buy you as many mini pizzas as you want, as long as you stop stuffing them in your bag,” you assured her, and she turned you to look at her, pinky in the air. “Pinky promise?” With a nod and an amused smile, you linked your finger with hers. “Pinky promise.”

Distraught by Sooyoung, you didn’t notice Jaemin and Jieun talking nearby, nor did you notice his eyes on you the entire time.

With Sooyoung in the bathroom, you’d sat down at a vacant table to relax a bit. You jumped in your seat, startled, when you felt a hand on your shoulder. Whipping your head to see who the owner of the hand was, you were surprised to see Jaemin standing there with a sheepish smile. “Care for a dance?” He offered his hand to you. Slightly stunned, you slowly took his hand and got up. Is it wrong? He was there with someone else after all. Where is Jieun?

He led you to the dance floor and gingerly placed his hands on your waist as he pulled you closer. Once again, your breath hitched at the proximity but you didn’t dare to make eye contact. Uncertain hands snaked around his neck and settled there. “How’s your night so far?” he asked with a smile as he made you do a small twirl. The twirl caught you off guard, and you found yourself smiling at the unexpected move. “It’s been good. Apprehended a criminal earlier,” you replied, and he chuckled. “Yeah, I noticed Sooyoung’s not-so-subtle theft.”

As the song slowly came to an end, you couldn’t take his gaze on you anymore. “Don’t look at me like that,” you told him - harsher than you intended, but just as you were about to apologise, his face inched closer to yours. “Like what?” he teased. You didn’t respond - not verbally at least. Your body was screaming at you, responding in almost every way possible. You merely turned your head to the side. His gaze, which you barely caught out of the corner of your eye, turned from teasing to worried. “Angel?” You hummed in acknowledgement, and he let out a sigh. “Want to get out of here?” he offered, and you turned to face him again, head tilted in confusion. What about Jieun? “What-What about your date?” you asked, incredulous, and you’d never seen your best friend look so perplexed. “I don’t have a date?”

Your heart twisted in stupid hope, and you tried to stop it. He doesn’t have a date? How? Where is Jieun anyway? You searched the room for said girl, but couldn’t spot her anywhere. Did she reject him? No way, right? With a million thoughts floating through your head, your best friend shook you back to reality, and you noticed his curious eyes on you.

“You really don’t have a date?” you asked again, and he shook his head. “Ok then,” you gave a nod. “Let’s go.”

You expected him to smile and lead you out then, but you could tell he was now battling something in his head. Mouth opening and closing, he asked a hesitant question. “What about yours?” Your head tilted in confusion again. “My… what?”

“Your date.” He said as if it were obvious, and you let out a noise of confusion. “I don’t have a date either. Why would I have a date? Who would even be my date?” you spluttered, flabbergasted at his assumption. Jaemin looked just as surprised as you did, completely frozen it seemed. He slowly regathered his wits again, and took a hold of your hand, “Well, let’s go then.”

Don’t worry

This love is yours

There is no one else for me but you

Hold onto me tightly with both hands

And please don’t let go, you

You entered Jaemin’s car, taking your usual spot in the passenger seat. Jaemin never drove to school but sometimes he’d stop by your house and insist you join him for a trip to the beach. Countless hours were spent in the passenger seat of his car - on sunny days, with the radio on, and full hearts.

He started the car and rolled onto the road, you knew exactly where he was going. Your town had a secluded hillside - like one from a horror movie, where the kids get murdered, except this one was beautiful and safe and it reminded you of Jaemin. He first took you there, when someone at school had thrown their drink at you because you refused to do their homework for them. You didn’t want to see anyone that day, so Jaemin took you to the hillside and assured you no one would disturb you there. Back then, he didn’t have the car, you were kids, so he’d grabbed you by the hand and started the 15-minute walk… That was many years ago.

“Why don’t you have a date?” he asked, and you turned to look at him. His eyes were on the road. You let out a small giggle at the question. “What do you mean?” You noticed his lips slowly turning into a pout. You knew he wasn’t aware of the cute pout forming on his face - you took your time admiring him.

“I just- That guy… That day in the hallway. I was sure he’d ask you out,” he told you, and you unconsciously bit your lip. “Yeah, he did,” you admitted, and his head turned to you for a quick second, before flitting back to the road.

“Then why-”

“I didn’t really know him,” you told him. Again, technically not a lie. He slowly nodded in understanding. He pulled onto a more secluded road, and you knew you were nearing the destination.

“What about you?” You turned to look at him, “Why don’t you have a date?” His mouth opened as if to speak, but he closed it again. You decided to speak up then instead, “To be honest, I overheard you one day in the hallway,” you told him, and his face contorted in confusion. “I heard you ask out Jieun, Jaemin.” The car was silent for a moment, you waited for him to speak up. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to listen in on it. I don’t know why you two are not here together, but whatever the reason is, you should know that anyone would be a fool to reject you and-”

“You think I wanted to bring Jieun to prom?” he asked, incredulous, as the car came to a stop at the destination. Perplexed, you looked at your friend, “Why else would you ask her?”

You saw him hesitate for a second, before he stepped out of the car, and walked to the viewpoint. You followed him.

“I was practising asking someone else out,” he told you, with a blush slowly spreading across his cheeks, and looked at your best friend in slight wonder. “You looked at her very fondly though,” you shrugged, and focused your attention on the city below you. You sensed his eyes on you.

“Why would I look at someone else, when the person right in front of me, is the most beautiful?”

One second. Two seconds. You lost count. Did he- Did he say that to you? No one else is here. No way. You turned to catch the gaze of your best friend - your breath hitched and your heart beat so loud you couldn’t hear anything else. He looked at you with so much love, he always did. So why does it seem different now? You never wanted him to stop. You caught his eyes flickering - to your eyes, your nose, your cheeks, your lips - as if he were trying to read you. He was nervous.

“J-Jaemi-”

“I can’t think straight with you,” he interrupted. The world spun a little faster around you. “Angel, you are my only love. There is no one else for me but you. I thought I made it obvious, but- perhaps you’re the one person who doesn’t know it,” he let out a soft chuckle, and it tugged on your heartstrings and warmed your cheeks. Your hands itched to reach out and hold his, but you stayed put.

“Jieun offered to help me practice. I was practising asking you out.” His eyes settled on the ground, head low, he looked like a child being scolded. “I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same. I- uh- I just wanted you to know, you know?” he softly kicked a rock on the ground as he rubbed his neck anxiously. You could do nothing but stare at him in adoration - you’d never seen your best friend like this before. You should’ve known. You mistook love for kindness.

“Even if you- If you don’t feel the same, I’ll always be here for you… If you want…” and his eyes slowly looked up to meet yours. Questioning gaze boring into yours. You weren’t sure how you were looking at him, but perhaps it didn’t quite radiate the overwhelming warmth he’d caused all over your body, because he seemed embarrassed, stuttering out another apology. “I-I’m sorry, I’ll give you some space, I shouldn’t have-” but you didn’t let him finish his sentence. Instead, you gave in, and let your hands reach out to grab his, as you used the grip to pull him closer to you. When your chest pressed against his, you heard his breath hitch - you weren’t sure how long you’d been holding your own. Your arms wrapped around his waist as you hugged him tightly.

“The last thing I want from you is space,” you told him honestly, and pulled back to look him in the eyes. His eyes were still a pool of uncertainty, and you realised your response hadn’t cleared up your feelings very well. Though you had to wonder if he couldn’t feel your heart beating wildly against his own. You placed a gentle hand on his cheek, hoping to bring the nervous boy some comfort, and then you kissed him.

The kiss was slow, but sure, and the moment your lips met, you felt him exhale into the kiss. His arms relaxed around you, and his nervousness faded bit by bit. Letting the hand that wasn’t caressing his cheek, pull him closer by the neck, you deepened the kiss. You didn’t want to part ways until you’d made sure there would be no space to doubt, just how much you loved him back. In turn, his arms tightened around your waist and you were pulled flush against him.

You wanted to keep going, to shower him with kisses, but you couldn’t help your happy giggle, and he soon followed. With lovestruck smiles on your faces, you both pulled back, foreheads resting against each other. “My love is yours, Jaemin, all yours.”

He let out a boyish giggle and hugged you tighter. “My angel is all mine,” he teased with a cheeky smile and you fake gagged at his antics. He only smiled brighter as he brought you in for a kiss. When you pulled away, you caught his gaze. You looked at each other with love.

I got only one love

Not two

For you

I got only one love

Just the one

I got only one love

Not two

For you

I wish you could entrust yourself to my love

And only look at me

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