The Motherfucking Wizard

It/she I’m not really a can of peaches but I’m also totally not a half elf I promise please stop throwing rocks at me Also credit to @fuzzykins for wizard PFP Due to a mistake I made this is my primary blog

[cinnamoncharles]

man I get why plants photosynthesize I'm letting the sun BEAT on my BACK while eating BREAKFAST and this shit feels lit.

Send post.

[cinnamoncharles]

Yeah I have a feeling all the plants don't needs tags for this one

[canned-wizard]

Guys I just found out my neighbour wasn’t actually helping me translate. He just didn’t understand English and was trying to talk to me in French not knowing what I was asking for. Sorry for the misunderstanding, I don’t think “Quittez mon pays” actually means anything like “thank you”

[canned-wizard]

Is anyone in the market for a cloak of lightning? It makes lightning strike nearby to dramatically reveal your face for a moment when in a dark hall. I have no need for it, for I feel it makes me look evil, so I’m selling it for $60CAD. Good condition, willing to hear deals but I know what I have.

[highestelf420-deactivated202604]

What color is it, what fabric is it made out of, any other embellishments it may have, and does it have a hood?

[canned-wizard]

It’s a plain black wool coat with an inner lining of what appears to be bear fur (it was handed down to me from a macabre, nature-hating individual, so assume it’s probably real wool and real fur), comes as a set with a separate hood of the same material. It does smell like embalming fluid and the pheromones of a distressed or dead fairy, but I’m guessing that’d come out with a few washes.

[highestelf420-deactivated202604]

Oh geez… sounds like it needs some work. Although I do have the extra coin from my latest raid on the Brotherhood of Eunuchs… fuck it, I’ll take it. As long as it’s not cursed in any other way, because it’s going to be sitting around in a box for a while before I feel hyperfixated enough to work on it.

[canned-wizard]

Oh hell yeah gang. I asked one of my gnomic neighbours to tell me how to say “it’s a pleasure doing business with you, my dramatic friend” in French and they told me “Ne me parle pas, narsissique aux grandes oreilles.” French is beautiful, isn’t it?

Quittez mon pays! Thank you very much!

[canned-wizard]

Is anyone in the market for a cloak of lightning? It makes lightning strike nearby to dramatically reveal your face for a moment when in a dark hall. I have no need for it, for I feel it makes me look evil, so I’m selling it for $60CAD. Good condition, willing to hear deals but I know what I have.

[highestelf420-deactivated202604]

What color is it, what fabric is it made out of, any other embellishments it may have, and does it have a hood?

[canned-wizard]

It’s a plain black wool coat with an inner lining of what appears to be bear fur (it was handed down to me from a macabre, nature-hating individual, so assume it’s probably real wool and real fur), comes as a set with a separate hood of the same material. It does smell like embalming fluid and the pheromones of a distressed or dead fairy, but I’m guessing that’d come out with a few washes.

[canned-wizard]

Is anyone in the market for a cloak of lightning? It makes lightning strike nearby to dramatically reveal your face for a moment when in a dark hall. I have no need for it, for I feel it makes me look evil, so I’m selling it for $60CAD. Good condition, willing to hear deals but I know what I have.

[canned-wizard]

Hate that I keep getting recommended spiritualist crystal pseudomedicine witchcrap just because I follow #potions and #magic. Does anyone else have this problem?

[gavamont]

[ratazom]

This motherfucker got assigned dungeon lvl 1!!!!

🫢🫢🫢🫢🫢🫢

[gavamont]

I am going to go to your wizard tower and putting up a poster about moving with WASD and checking inventory with I!

[ratazom]

The council only recommended that I put up posters connected to my tower's particular puzzles, and even said that I can gate some of them behind the magic glasses concealment spell! They even classed @jimkinnz as a boss-level enemy instead of a mini boss!

[jimkinnz]

i,m even allowed to make my weak spot harder to target with the lock·on system¡

[numamazza]

(·•᷄∩•᷅ ) they classified mè as a mini boss (·•᷄∩•᷅ )

[gavamont]

That’s it, I’m bringing the the poison spewing topiary monsters back to my tower!

[jimkinnz]

you,re replacing my little cousin as your mini boss¿ (⁠๑⁠´⁠•⁠.̫⁠ ⁠•⁠ ⁠`⁠๑⁠)

[gavamont]

He’s being promoted to mini boss that compliments the main boss’s attack pattern.

[dude-the-ancient-dragon]

Guys should my castle have this plaques or is this wizards only?

[canned-wizard]

Man it’s not even evil dungeons being required to put up tutorial messages… They put up a sign in front of my little booth for selling potions and the like that says some shit like “certain merchants will buy certain types of items for more or less, or even outright refuse some goods.” And they hid a level 1 charming ring under a rock nearby,,,

[transfemininomenon]

broooo did you seriously disturb my eternal rest & bring me back to this mortal coil just because my ancient enemy the eternal night has returned? after i sealed it away and everything? which one of you tampered with my binding runes 🙄

[transfemininomenon]

where's my useless apprentice i TOLD him it was going to be the duty of the next generation to not repeat the mistakes of those before them and to make this world bet- oh my apprentice goes by her now? you're telling me she's right in front of me! my dear i'm so sorry i didn't know. you look so much more happier and more confident than the bumbling, shy apprentice i once knew. im so proud of you. were you the one who tampered with my fucking runes

[canned-wizard]

Since it’s pride month, I should probably mention that, since the creation of this blog, I have made plans to invoke a ritual to turn myself into one of them woman wizards. The components for the ritual are hard to get a prescription for and god damn expensive so we’re just gonna pretend it’s already happened for now for my own sake

[magigoblin]

One of Gobbo’s favorite wizard activities is to, when in the presence of non-wizards who are not privy to the rules about spell names being spoken aloud, make up names for the trivial day to day spells and make them more weird every time to see how long it takes them to suspect Gobbo is making them up.

. . . For those who don’t know, saying/shouting the names of spells is a safety thing. A courtesy to bystanders that someone has angered the wizard and a warning to the target to prepare countermagic NOW. They aren’t necessary to use the magic, but they’re definitely a lotta fun. The drama, the delivery, it’s part of the thrill of casting dangerous spells, and many wizards take great pride in the force of presence created by their announcements. Most don’t say anything for the small stuff like Light Candle or Levitate Book, but saying in a dramatic tone “Magister Moriarty’s Magnificent Movement of Tomes” under the breath just loud enough to make bystanders wonder if it’s necessary or not is great fun.

Or maybe that’s the goblin more than the wizard at work. At this point, Gobbo’s never sure.

[canned-wizard]

Lovely wisdom from the forest neighbours once again. Would like to - though I resent sounding like an otaku here - draw a similarity between shouting “Eldritch Blast!” and yelling Kamehameha as you fire your magic missile (a term I’m currently using in the generic sense for any arcane projectile, not just the spell called magic missile).

Of course, both serve as a declaration of one’s intent and a warning to those who you may not wish to harm; however, they also act as a sort of boast about your power as a caster. The more powerful the spell, the louder you should shout it, because you’re going to look really scary and really cool. With the exception of power-word spells, most spells that have a verbal component can actually be cast by speaking any phrase with extremely specific intonations (in fact, this is necessary for spells like vicious mockery, which only work if their intonations are disguised under a slurry of verbal abuse) - this is why nothing happens when I put “I curse you! Curse of [such and such]” at the end of my posts; though the words themselves sound like a spell, I’m not actually saying them in a magically charged way (since they’re text, it works in a slightly different way, but that’s for another entry).

[aesthetic-otd]

Today's aesthetic is wizardcore

[magigoblin]

One of the biggest issues for most goblins is height.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO TALL.

[canned-wizard]

I can relate in the opposite way as a half-elf haha. The tower I live in was originally owned by a dwarf and I have to duck through the doors

[orcboxer]

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

[orcboxer]

experiencing microaggressions apparently

[lilou-the-world-builder]

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

kids these days are just too busy being gay to go on my perilous wizard quests

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

always on that damn phone instead of my perilous wizard quests

[canned-wizard]

Hi there 👋,

My name is Mohammad, and I’m reaching out in a moment of desperate need. I’m a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. 💔

I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future. 🕊️🇵🇸

Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶

If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏

Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤

https://gofund.me/fd1faea2 🔗

I’d be glad to donate some money to the cause. Thanks for reaching out. Good luck!

[canned-wizard]

Saw a bootleg dark magic tome at the store today. It was a guide to “dank magic”. Should I go back and buy it

Should I buy the guide to dank magic?

No, don’t waste your money

Yes, find out what dank magic is

Voting ended onSep 1, 2024