so lately Iāve been thinking about theĀ āWhat If RIPeter survived and still got to help Milesā au and itās running me up a wall because like. Whereas P-B-&-Parker got attached to Miles quickly and taught him the basic ropes, he went back to his universe so thereās never going to be like. an issue of them hanging out? But Blondie is the same universe, and like, we saw how immediately fond of Miles he was in the three minutes they had to talk? That was a full adoption, bitch. No way heās just dropping out of the kidās life after heās figured out his powers. But the thing is, 13 year olds and 26 year olds hanging out uh!!! isnāt normal!!! so Iām imagining in a fit of not wanting to out their identities and also not wanting Peter to seem like a Creep they tell the Moralesā heās Milesā new tutor, which would be believable since he was purposefully trying to fail his classes at first and no way every teacher is gonna cut him the slack that one teacher did, and also heās still being āāāātutoredāāā to be spiderman so not technically a lie, and they feel like geniuses for a few fleeting moments but then Rio and Jefferson decide they need to Fully Interrogate Peter, like they show up at his apartment unannounced with lunch and planning to find out all they can on this random man their son keeps talking about, and Miles is back home certain this will end in disaster because Peterās even less cool than he is. But hours later Peter has completely won the Moralesā over, because heās Chris Pine so heās obviously charming as all hell, but also they got an abridged version of his personal sob-story, orphan with a murdered uncle, even though he already has a few degrees and heās going for a doctorate he had to take up the tutoring gig because he hasnāt been able to get a job better than bugle and he and his pregnant wife are just trying to stay afloat, yadayada etc. The strings of their hearts have been yanked. Over the next couple weekends, every time Miles turns up heās got food, like full meals that his mother is just sending over for the Parkers. Peter is touched, but heās also horrified because he has to be the nicest person in every situation, ever. He retaliates by constantly offering to help out with any general home issues the Moralesā might have, so they donāt have to bother spending money on a professional or a handyman from the internet. But then they get the one up on him again by insisting on paying him whenever this happens, which wasnāt a part of his plan. He had to personally knit them sweaters for Christmas that year just to feel better. But then Rio gains an advantage when she gives a bunch of old baby clothes to MJ so they wonāt have to worry about spending money on them. Mary Jane did not expect to get brought into this politeness battle her ridiculous husband has been going on about, but now sheās emotional and a member in this war, so she spends a good three weeks using various connections she has with other actorās until she manages to get an autograph of Rioās favorite celebrity for her. The Parkerās thought this was an automatic win for them- but then Miles mentioned to his parents that they were thinking of moving back in with Peterās Aunt May because no one wants to hire a visibly pregnant actress and they were worried about making rent, so Jefferson went to the daily bugle office and Personally Intimidated J. Jonah Jameson into giving Peter a meaningful raise. Frantic to thank them, Peter and MJ actually went and took a Goddamn baking class just so they could give them a homemade thank you cake. But when they arrived at the home to drop it off, they found the Moralesā in the middle of baking a cake of their own to thank Peter for being such a good influence on Miles. Everyone was scandalized and for a week the war was at a stand-still, until May, wishing to start drama, invited everyone to her house for a small grad party for Peter (it turned out she and Rio were friends from work! how sweet!) where, for some Goddamn reason, there was an endless mimosa bar. The Moralesā turned up with the best chocolate chip cookies anyone has ever tasted and it brought Peterās tipsy ass to tears. MJ, sober but still a fucking dramatic person, then revealed that she had done some research and discovered it was Jeffersonās birthday the next day, and that she had managed to get front row seats to Whatever The Hottest Musical In That Universe Is for him and his family. She did this standing in front of the fire place and holding high a wine glass filled with water. Jefferson was overcome with thanks but also he and his wife were panicking because they couldnāt think of how to one-up the Parkers after this. They were then dealt a fatal blow when Peter and May put together generous plates of leftovers from the party for them all to take home. It took them two months to figure out how to be even nicer to the Parkerās after that- they had to host four couplesā game nights in the meantime and still felt like they werenāt doing enough, because Peter and MJ ended up hosting six of them- but finally, when MJ went into labor, they stormed the hospital room with every stuffed animal the could possibly carry and felt on top of the world- until the Parkerās asked them to be the godparents and they were back at square one! Had to wait five more months for the Parkerās 3rd wedding anniversary when they were able to offer to send them to a nice little resort lodge in the mountains as a gift! then Peter and MJ hit them with cruise tickets for their anniversary a few months later! Itās a hellish cycle where no one ever stays on top as the nicest couple and they never manage to escape. Miles canāt decide whether the whole thing is hilarious or annoying, but either way heās pretty sure heāll just never understand adults.Ā
