I feel like crap and Iām allowed so
Comment with good intentions.
Do not suggest therapy to me, as Iām more than aware of my need for therapy. That is one of the things Iām having to fight the American Government Sanctioned Scammercare to be able to have. No, I cannot afford even cheap or sliding scale therapy until my Disability / Healthcare goes through. Yes I want it. You are not helpful for mentioning it.
Heavy topic about thoughts of death (not suicide) and existential dread following a hard life. Mentions of SA and abuse and adverse childhood experiences.
The idea of dying is scary to everyone.
But I relate deeply to the character Emmrich from DA:V because I have an immense terror of dying; something so all-encompassing that I worry about it daily.
Itās because my life has felt wasted, like it hasnāt been truly livedā Itās been endured.
I spent my formative years suffering (neglect, unstable living conditions/housing insecurity, switching schools yearly, SA, abuse, multi-time broken family, undiagnosed neurodivergence, religious emotional abuse) and learning that life was going to be unfair and hard. I spent my early adulthood suffering (in the closet until 24, undiagnosed til 29, job hopping, living paycheck to paycheck, going hungry on many occasions to prioritize other bills, hopping from house to house, couch surfing, fighting alcohol and cigarette addiction) in an unfair and hard world.
All of that time was spent not really living; not for myself. It was spent masking and grinding under the boot of late stage capitalism, surviving. Trying to, from an already disadvantaged position, build myself an advantage so I could start my life. I was military child whose parents were both sent off to fight the āwarā in the middle east, their lives and purposes stolen by the American Empireās for-profit interests. My retired mom is now disabled thanks to her time in the service. I am disabled thanks to neurodivergence (AuDHD) and cptsd/other diagnosed mental health issues.
I am spending my mid adulthood finally in a place where I can heal from that suffering, but thatās all Iām doing. Iām not living. Iām healing from having lived all wrong for 30 years because thatās all I have the capacity for anymore.
Working on executive functioning. Working on emotional regulation. Working to squeeze Healthcare, Dental care, and Disability benefits out of an inherently exploitative and abusive government. Working towards consistently being able to take care of myself. Working on learning how to socialize again after years of isolation. Working on a bunch of shit that shouldnāt have been broken to begin with. Taking one step forward and three steps back.
Iām so jaded and exhausted and riddled with complex and persistent traumas that starting fresh is like pulling teeth. Making friends, building goals (outside of just healing), and finding a meaning all feel insurmountable. Itās an effort of fits and starts and eventual wind-downs as I try to push myself towards something called ālivingā.
Every day is spent playing catch up, picking up pieces of a self that got shattered so many times that thereās no way the original person I could have been is salvageable. The potential life I could have lived feels lost to the beatings and recurrent waking nightmares.
So yes, death terrifies me.
This might be a pretty common human experience, especially in the western world. Or maybe Iām alone in these feelings; Feelings that a life has not been lived well enough to justify death because the scales are so blatantly out of balance.
I may need to shift my perspective on what ālivingā means, to be honest, but as of now I just hope that life begins soon. I just hope I donāt die before it can, and when it is time to go, I hope I will have found peace enough to accept it without fear.
So at least Iām ending this on hope.
