Writing and stuff

18+ and not American.

[internetgreatesthits]

[mono-red-menace]

[unknown-but-existing]

i feel like this is more funny

[dostoyevsky-official]

i was also thinking about how sensual the snow was, how suggestive the curves of the snowbanks appeared, their softness

[alterugdalf]

[adhdedrn]

[Image ID #1: A screenshot of a Tumblr post by @dostoyevsky-official. The post has two pictures - one of a plain snowscape and another of trees covered with snow. Both pictures are marked with the black label that says "We reviewed your post and determined it needed a Content Label," and the screenshotted post has been labelled as "Potentially mature content." End Image ID #1.]

[Image ID #2: A screenshot of a Tumblr post by @meangirlnurse: "I have to admit, it does make me contemplate the latent eroticism of art pieces that I would not have considered erotic without the label." End Image ID #2.]

[nyancrimew]

oh yeah so ive been kinda busy the last few days and forgot to post about the latest shit ive been up to on here

Leak Exposes Members of Peter Thiel’s Secretive ‘Dialog’ Society

More than 200 of the world's elites registered for a retreat whose agenda runs from panels on cult-building and sex to prepping for World Wa

bypass paywall

Peter Thiel’s ‘Dialog’ network was super-secret. A data leak changed that

A data leak has exposed private data on billionaire Peter Thiel’s “Dialog,” an invitation-only network of high-profile figures.

bwah :3

maia arson crimew 🏴 (@crimew.gay)

SCOOP: So remember Dialog, Peter Thiel's private society that doesn't have a public website and no public list of members? I (along with a

[nyancrimew]

Hollywood Names Surface in Peter Thiel-Backed, Invite-Only Society

Ranks of his group, Dialog, appear to include several prominent figures in media and entertainment who're put in the same room as C-suite ex

[flowergirlmiwa]

ending a social interaction with a friend and thinking "I think we grew a little bit closer today." in my head as if I'm a dating game protagonist

[maemaybe]

I don't know who my intended audience is here, so whoever needs to hear this, I am begging you to learn to participate in conversations that are about things you aren't interested in.

Part of socializing and having friends is being a good listener even when you don't actually give a shit about the subject.

Your are hurting other people's feelings when you bluntly respond with "Anyway..." and then change the topic.

It can not always be about your preferred topic.

You are being rude. Yes, even if you are neurodivergent. You can be both autistic and rude.

[myspace]

[tacktheyak]

drew mark and helly in corporate memphis style because i hate them

[stealingpotatoes]

agott would actually like to deal with these coco feelings in less than 2 decades, preferably

(commission info // tip jar!)

[utopians]

We need to study the powerful psychic field around tumblr posts that causes people to hallucinate entire lines and paragraphs that are not present in the actual text

[strangestcase]

how dare you accuse me of putting orphans in a woodchipper

[chickenonabicycle]

But did you piss on them though

[elsewhere-library]

Well if you piss on a wood chipper, it’s no wonder geopolitics are a mess

[chickenonabicycle]

Are you seriously implying the entire academic field of urology is to blame for our current political climate

[elsewhere-library]

I would never say people who own a woodchipper can’t be academics! My own physics professor has one!

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh my god you pushed your own physics professor into a woodchipper???

[elsewhere-library]

Chopping wood isn’t actually that complex, from a physics perspective? I don’t know if they just didn’t teach that in your schooling, but they sure did in mine.

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh ACTUALLY everyone knows I'm majoring in wood chopping at uni so how DARE YOU I bet you don't even know how to hold an axe you POSER

[elsewhere-library]

Excuse me, did you just admit you chopped your professor up with an axe? Someone call the cops!!!111!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

You'll never find where he's buried, you haven't got the chops

[elsewhere-library]

I would honestly prefer getting pork chops, yes, but not if that means j have to bury the pig

[chickenonabicycle]

Hey how did you know he was an undercover cop

[elsewhere-library]

You slept with a cop? You took him into your bed? Even though he killed your professor?

[chickenonabicycle]

Jesus why are you pushing your fetishes onto me I didn't consent to hearing about your fascist fantasies go lick a boot

[elsewhere-library]

Did you just call me a fascist for not sharing your fat fetish? Really? Or was it the leather fetish you wanted to force onto me?

And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the professor murdering the cop’s woods. Is that where all your fetishes come from, huh?

[chickenonabicycle]

i'm literally a minor :( why are you so mean to me :(

[elsewhere-library]

So you are an actual child, basically a baby by your tags, and you still created a tunglr.cod account?? You aren’t even allowed to look at a phone yet legally?!?!

[chickenonabicycle]

Omg it's illegal to look at phones in your country?? How are you on tunglrrr? Are you surfing from a Nintendo DS or something? Or are those illegal too? I knew you were a fascist!!!

[elsewhere-library]

How’d you know I’m on a mintenado?! Did you hack me???

[chickenonabicycle]

How dare you call me a hack, you fraud! Is this even your main account or did you just make this one to harass me??! I bet that mimtembo's stolen as well :(

[elsewhere-library]

You’re telling me I created an account just to commit tax fraud?? Wow, you’re really starting to grasp at straws here, chickenonabicycle. That’s just a low move.

[chickenonabicycle]

Hey you really shouldn't use straws they kill turtles

[elsewhere-library]

Turtle shell? Stop talking about Mario Kart all the time. You’re just ignoring the real issues in online origami spaces.

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh and here we go with the WWII denialism 🙄 News flash, the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki really did happen and the story of Sadako Sasaki is real. Weird ass conspiracy theorists.

[elsewhere-library]

Well done! You’re so close to getting that WWI happened! Just because WWII was a thing, doesn’t mean “The Great War” wasn’t. Why do you hunk WWII has a 2 in its name?

[chickenonabicycle]

Sweaty WWIII is not gonna solve your problems. It's nice you've got 2 great bunkers to hide in but you can't just shoot your way out of the apocalypse and it's not gonna fix your mommy issues. Go to therapy.

[elsewhere-library]

Did you REALLY just claim that all those warmongers are just misunderstood traumatised little guys??

[chickenonabicycle]

You're super ableist for blaming fascism on PTSD!! Read a BOOK!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Claiming that PTSD can be cured just by reading is SO ableist actually. Self help books won’t cure actual mental illness

[chickenonabicycle]

Holy shit are you actually implying that we should ban mentally ill people from reading?? That they don't deserve the chance to educate themselves in order to improve their quality of life?? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???

[elsewhere-library]

Did I read this right? You truly believe all quality of life issues are just down to a lack of education? Or, even worse, down to the people not EDUCATING THEMSELVES? So illness, poverty, societal issues don’t play any role? I can’t even find the words. That’s such a disgustingly victim-blame-y mindset.

[chickenonabicycle]

What, and now you think poor and disabled people don't have a right to an education?! What kind of alt right wing fuckery is this??

[elsewhere-library]

Did you just call poor people stupid? What, and you think they vote right wing because of that? Holy shit. Poverty is not a result of stupidity, and to pretend any right wing sympathies are just a class issue is dangerously and counterproductive!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

How dare you say I piss on the poor! I'm an equal opportunity guy, I piss on everyone regardless of class.

[elsewhere-library]

HEY! Just because it’s one of the symptoms of diabetes, that still doesn’t mean you get to talk to me about how often I piss! You’re not my poor doctor!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Did your doctor really recommend treating your diabetes by drinking your own piss? That's really concerning actually, you should get a second opinion.

[elsewhere-library]

If you think a proper social safety net means I can’t choose my own doctors, my friend, I have NEWS for you. I also don’t wait months to see my family doctor! And do you know what I pay for an ambulance ride? 10€. At most. That’s also the copay I have for all my prescriptions. But wait, actually: if I needed an ambulance right this day, I’d get it free. Because obviously, my copay is capped. It is capped to 1% of my yearly income.

[chickenonabicycle]

You kneecap ambulance drivers?! You get paid €10 per kneecap??? Wtf kinda business is that! Why are you ruining your local healthcare network?! Who the hell'd pay you for that??

[elsewhere-library]

Ambulance drivers aren’t the ones ruining healthcare! It’s the fucking regional government! They keep closing down local hospitals. Yeah, centralisation is more efficient, but efficiency won’t help me when the ambulance for my heart attack has to drive 35 minutes!!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Well yeah, if you keep fucking people in regional government, you shouldn't be surprised their spouses eventually find out, you homewrecker. I can't believe one of them had a heart attack during sex and you waited a whole 35(!) minutes to call an ambulance, that's insane!! You basically killed them!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Wait, what? You had sex with someone, and when their spouse found out, you gave that spouse a heart attack? Holy shit! I didn’t know I’d have to say that, explicitly, but murder is still murder, regardless of whether you “had a good reason” or “gave them the fun drugs beforehand”. That’s just horrible!

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh wait you know about my murder notebook? Do you have a funky invisible guy following you around as well? Mine's obsessed with apples for some reason. Anyway I only use it for, like, actual bad people. Mostly anyway.

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re pro death penalty? And you don’t care about false convictions OR human rights? I had low expectations, but I’m still disappointed in you…

[chickenonabicycle]

You're pro death penalty, but only for human rights activists? What the fuck dude

[elsewhere-library]

No, it is NOT a human right to put orphans into woodchippers! Not even if you’re bored! Actually, “enrichment” isn’t a human right either!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually it's unethical to not let your pet capitalist enrich itself on a regular basis. They get depressed and can die of boredom. :( You have to get a good bitcoin setup on top of their cage and let it trickle down.

[elsewhere-library]

No, trickle down economics won’t save us from depression. Not economic depression, and CERTAINLY not the mental illness. Actually, what the fuck made you think depression is purely a monetary issue? How do you even jump to these conclusions??

[chickenonabicycle]

Depression is NOT a momentary issue for most of us, it's often chronic! And fuck you for saying depressed people should just jump off a building if they can't earn money, it's not their fault the econony's gone to shit!

[elsewhere-library]

You’re saying depressed people are the reason the economy is suffering? Holy shit, that’s fucked up. And no, you can’t cure MDD by just “thinking positively”. Nor by doing yoga or taking a walk or cuddling a puppy.

[chickenonabicycle]

Dude chemically inducing MDD in puppies just to fake a study to support your new puppy yoga class business is, like, so unethical. That's not what downward dog means!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Look, I respect that you have good intentions, but “Just shred those dogs lmao” still is no solution. We are trying to essentially solve the current geopolitical situation AND find homes for those MDMA puppies in one afternoon, suggestions need to be well thought-out and very detailed.

[chickenonabicycle]

Simple. We take the shredded dogs, turn them into fitness influencers, make a fortune by selling protein powder, use the money to make the dogs run for government, and then everything will sort itself out. Diplomacy has never been easier! Who could possibly say no to such a good boy?

[elsewhere-library]

Diplomacy doesn’t rely on drugs. “White powder”, my ass. And could we maybe get some damn nuance into this conversation? Yogurt doesn’t have any bones, after all

[chickenonabicycle]

Fucking hell, you wanna solve our current diplomatic crisis with "white power"?! And you've got the gall to talk about nuance! What is wrong with you???

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

[elsewhere-library]

I NEVER claimed chemical weapons will lead to world peace, have you even learned how to read???

[chickenonabicycle]

Dude global illiteracy rates are NOT why we still haven't achieved world peace yet. Also I read better than you and English isn't even my first language!

[elsewhere-library]

So you think just because I have some problems with reading long texts, you are worth more than me? Sure, that sort of thinking will give us world peace. That’s some truly despicable thinking!

[chickenonabicycle]

Yes I do think Despicable Me was a pretty good movie, though I wouldn't say it was that particularly long?

[elsewhere-library]

I don’t think a long movie is the same as a novel. Both can take up a lot of time and be very entertaining (or educational!), but they’re still very different forms of media. And audiobooks are a different beast all over again!

[chickenonabicycle]

I'm not gonna yuck your yum, but I never understood the appeal of media involving beastiality. But hey, it's fiction, so you do you?

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re telling me you think real life brutality is fine, right? You’re telling since you don’t care about a character’s feelings, just because “they’re fictional” and “reality is not the same as a story” and “anyone over the age of 12 should know this”, I can write whatever I want? What’s next, playing violent video games doesn’t make me a school shooter? Maybe reading about queer people doesn’t trans my gender and gay my sexuality???!!!!????

[chickenonabicycle]

Did you just confess to thinking brutality against literal children is okay just because they're using the Gaymer tag online?! Fucking hell, I'm reporting you!!! You're a danger to society!

[elsewhere-library]

Violence is NEVER acceptable parenting! You wouldn’t hit a subordinate at work, why would you hit a child in your care?? I don’t know where you got “studies confirm it’s effective” from - which studies? Or is your source just “trust me, bro”?

[chickenonabicycle]

You shouldn't hit on subordinates at work regardless of whether they've got kids, actually. That's abusing the inherent power imbalance between the two of you. Studies do in fact confirm the subordinate might feel forced to go along with it in order to not get fired. You're circumventing their ability to consent.

Kinda problematic you didn't know that yet as a grown ass CEO tbh. :/

[elsewhere-library]

CEOs aren’t allowed to do whatever drugs they want. This isn’t some historic-flavoured fantasy universe and they aren’t the nobility with their own special laws. They’re citizens like you and me, and they aren’t subject to the same laws!

[chickenonabicycle]

That's historical revisionism, you know well enough the entirety of the '80s stock market was purely fuelled by cocaine and LSD. That's how the leg warmer was invented.

[elsewhere-library]

You refuse to wear leg warmers just because you hate knit? I mean, that’s your choice, but it seems dangerous to court hypothermia like that. Have you considered just wearing long johns or ski kits instead, maybe?

[chickenonabicycle]

Fuck you it's a sensory thing how dare you tell me what to wear also my mum says I'm allergic

Also leave John out of this he hasn't done anything to deserve your hateful bs you're just jealous cause you're short

[elsewhere-library]

Lol “John” is your friend who saw it happen, then? Sure. And then everyone clapped, and the dog you’d saved with your Magical Sensory Abilities clapped, and then you got a gold medal?

None of this even makes sense

[chickenonabicycle]

That's just rumours, John did not get a medal for giving a dog the clap. It's genuinely worrying that you think that could be true. You do realise that not everything on the internet is true, right?

[elsewhere-library]

Dog shows ARE inherently animal cruelty. Dogs actually hate performing tricks in general, they’re only motivated by the snacks, and competitions are even worse, because the dog trainers are motivated to push the dogs even when it physically harms them! And breeding is the worst!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

You really shouldn't push dog trainers off bridges just because they didn't give you a snack. :(

[elsewhere-library]

You’re eating dogs? You do you, I guess, but where do you even get those in the EU? I’ve never heard of dog meat here.

[chickenonabicycle]

No, no, we don't eat dog. We eat god. I know, common mistake. It's a whole thing, we take their metaphysical essence and make wine and bread with it. It accounts for like half our agricultural industry.

[elsewhere-library]

Oh, you still have a local god of agriculture? That sounds fascinating. I know very little of polytheistic religions in general, is it okay if I ask you a few questions?

[chickenonabicycle]

Only if you're gonna be cool about it because most people are dickheads when it comes to polyamorous dogs :(

[elsewhere-library]

You have a dick growing out of your head? That doesn’t seem likely. Have you talked to a doctor? Sudden growths are definitely something a doctor should look at, just to make sure it’s not cancer or something.

[chickenonabicycle]

Look at you armchair diagnosing me 🙄 Sure, it's cancer. Everything on the internet is cancer. It can't be cancer, I'm on WIFI NOT 5G!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Star signs don’t actually mean anything!

Like - seriously, the whole charts and shit aren’t relevant. The little texts in your nan‘s paper are written so everyone identities with them! That’s not real! Whether you’re a „cancer“ or anything else, don’t let that bs control your life!

[chickenonabicycle]

I'm pretty sure signatures are always legally binding, even if they were done by famous people? Also calling my nan a cancer's a bit rude? Wtf?

[elsewhere-library]

Okay, so your nan signs - but which sign language? There’s multiple, you know? They’re full-on languages, there’s even dialects.

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk she got her driver's license like 50 years ago. She barely knows what a stop sign is, let alone how to use her blinkers. We finally managed to teach her what the No Parking signs are because half her pension was going to parking fines. Like I get that there are regional variants of all these signs and that they didn't even have driving exams yet back in her day, but gran, it's been half a century. You live near a school. It's time nan. Please learn about traffic signs. It's just not safe for you to be on the road like this.

[elsewhere-library]

Your nan thinks she’s still in school? Do you mean she has dementia or something? That’s rough, I’m sorry. I hope she’s at least calm most of the time? Not scared, you know? IIRC a lot of people with dementia get really scared because they don’t recognise anything, but it sounds like she’s feeling just fine. And it’s nice the teachers and students are just letting her chill out!

[chickenonabicycle]

Dude it's incredibly rude to use words like "demented" as a bad word. Mental health conditions are nothing to be scared of. These people are way more likely to be the victims of violence than to inflict it, do you know nothing?? She has a right to an education and it's awful of you to imply that she's only getting one because her teachers are gracious enough to actually do their job.

[elsewhere-library]

Did you really say that not wanting to have children is a mental illness? Children are a pretty huge burden - that’s not their fault! They’re supposed to be supported and taken care of by their carers! - and to pretend like having a child and raising it and teaching it how to be a person in this world is easy is wild. I love kids! I love showing them a bit of the world, or sharing their excitement, and spending a bit of time with them. But spending a bit of time with a child who’s already mostly capable of speech is vastly different from being responsible for a newborn, or dealing with a moody, overwhelmed or angry teenager. I’m too impatient and too easily overwhelmed, so I won’t make myself and a hypothetical child suffer me as a parent.

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually I think most of us have spent quite a bit of time as a child. That's kinda how the human body works??

[elsewhere-library]

Defining a human by how long the limbs are is - an interesting concept, for sure. I don’t know if this’ll be more or less useful than “featherless biped” 😂

[chickenonabicycle]

I have no clue if birds can be bisexual but I doubt their ability to grow feathers has anything to do with it?

[elsewhere-library]

Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than anyone else!, just because they like two (or more) genders! And animals are a shit comparison for humans anyway. But like - really, my friend?? If your partner likes men, are you also afraid they’ll cheat on you with every man?

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually my mate's John bisexual on top of being really tall and he'd always cheat during math exams because he couldn't be arsed to memorise Pythagoras. There I found one (1) counter example so you're wrong.

[elsewhere-library]

You think John should be doing a “virginity exam” on his financée? And stone her if she cheats? What the fuck?! Hey, the dark ages called, they want their worldviews back!

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't do phone calls, I have social anxiety. :( And I already told you John cheats on his exams, I don't see how the topic of much of his finances are spent on getting stoned is relevant in this discussion.

[elsewhere-library]

Oooh, John collects stones? That sounds fascinating! What kind of stones?

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk what they're called but they kinda glow and make your mouth taste like metal? Also one of them is called Steven I think.

[elsewhere-library]

Steven isn’t a stoner just because he hangs out with John! A stoner is someone who uses cannabis (a lot). Hanging out with a stoner does not a stoner make.

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually I don't think cannabis changes the way your testicles hang, but then I've never seen John's ballsack so who knows

[elsewhere-library]

Are you saying only men are allowed to smoke? Or, worse, that all “real men” have to smoke? What’s wrong with you? (And that’s not even going into the weird ideology behind “man is when testicles”…)

[chickenonabicycle]

Don't be weird about other people's genitals fam. You don't need testicles to be a man and you can be absolutely smoking regardless of gender. Really, just a dash of eyeliner and some dangly earrings would get anyone a long way in the hotness department.

[elsewhere-library]

The minimal make-up necessary to participate in society should be none. Make-up isn’t hygiene, it’s decoration, and often it’s expensive and complicated decoration. It doesn’t matter if it’s one product or five! No one should be expected to wear make-up or be called “lazy” and “ugly”.

And yes, the same applies to accessoirs.

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually I think hygiene is really important in society. It's not about being lazy or ugly, there's a real health risk in leaving trash in the streets. Or do you want people to catch the bubonic plague because nobody bothered to pay the garbage men?? They've got a really strong union too, you just don't fuck with them.

[elsewhere-library]

“All men are garbage and should die in the streets!” - who taught you to hate like that? You’re still young, and I genuinely don’t think you know how horrible the things you’re saying are. I know me being confrontational here probably hast done much to help, either, and I’m sorry. Please just - take some time and disconnect from other input and just think your views through, what they would result in, what caused them.

[chickenonabicycle]

Dude just because I'm a teenager it's not okay to tell me to kms in the street like garbage wtf!!! Fucking boomers telling me to "disconnect" or whatever like stop blaming everything on phones and go touch grass!!!

[elsewhere-library]

You do NOT get to pull the “I’m just a widdle baby I don’t know anything” card after admitting you’re in college! People of ALL ages end up being homeless, and actually, regardless of why they are, they deserve safety and better treatment and, you know, a home!

[chickenonabicycle]

What?? You're pro snatching babies out of their homes just because their parents aren't very good homemakers?? You'd rather set fire to innocent infants than let them live in a house without throw pillows???

[elsewhere-library]

“Baby snatchers”, any other bigoted talking points you want to throw out? Why not accuse them of causing wood fires and plagues and climate change, too?

[chickenonabicycle]

Big otters should be protected actually, they're an endangered species! Yes, them going extinct would literally cause fires and therefore worsen climate change, their river dams keep forest fires in check! Did they teach you nothing in school! Did you sleep through high school biology!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Otter dams are actually a leading cause of climate change! I don’t know where you got the idea that teachers should be paid less, either, it’s not their fault you don’t know about basic environmental facts!

[chickenonabicycle]

Look but dentists really need dams for medical reasons, not to even mention the sapphic ladies who use them for safe sex. Do you want people to get STDs?? Do you want to ban condoms as well because they're single use products and therefore "bad for the environment"??? Also obviously you're anti-sex work and anti-union and I bet you drive a giant gas-guzzling car to compensate for your depressing sex life so I don't respect your opinions anyway.

[elsewhere-library]

So you support sex work but only for sapphic sex workers? What logic even is that? You know that when someone has sex for WORK, that’s work, right? Their attraction likely doesn’t even play into it! It’s such a weird stance to take!

[chickenonabicycle]

Look I just think it's weird to pay people in sapphires. It sounds like a logistical nightmare to figure out the conversion rate and stuff. Can't they just pay their wages in actual currency?

[elsewhere-library]

You can’t just “convert” a sapphire into another stone. It’s not a tea towel, you can’t just throw in some colouring and it’ll look different!

[chickenonabicycle]

Hey if a sapphic person wants to convert to another religion, that's nobody's business but theirs! And how dare you suggest they can only do so if they "change their skin colour", like what the fuck?? You do realise people can be any religion regardless of skin colour, right???? Also I can't believe you're casually promoting blackface, are you perpetually stuck in the 1920s or something???

[elsewhere-library]

I’m pretty sure Sappho was a real person, actually, and she was born FAR before the 1920s! There’s a difference between old and antique poetry ;-P

[chickenonabicycle]

...are you implying lesbians don't exist anymore? They went extinct in the 1920s?? Just because you've never met a lesbian doesn't mean they don't exist anymore??? Are you perhaps confusing lesbians with dodos??? As in the bird?? Do you think a lesbian is a type of flightless bird?????

[elsewhere-library]

Are you saying dodos went extinct because they’re all lesbians? What even? I thought that Ice Age bit where they all jump off a cliff or sth was wild but this is. A lot.

[chickenonabicycle]

I'm sorry lmao you thought ICE AGE WAS A DOCUMENTARY?? No wonder you're so ill-informed if you get all your knowledge from cartoons!

[elsewhere-library]

I don’t think I’m particularly knowledgable when it comes to carton, actually? I have handled it, sure, but that’s it. Why are you asking? I’m trying to understand you but you really seem to be gatekeeping paper crafts here

[chickenonabicycle]

To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand papercrafts. The skill is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the projects will go over a typical crafter's head.

[elsewhere-library]

You want to saw off peoples’ heads for the crime of sucking at woodcrafts? What the fuck? What is wrong with you??

[chickenonabicycle]

Why the fuck is it any of your business whose wood I want to suck off you creep?! Wtf is this puritan bullshit??

[elsewhere-library]

The puritans did FAR worse things than deforestation!!! Have you ever been to a single history class? Ever?

[chickenonabicycle]

Wtf did DeForest Kelly ever do to you? Why the fuck are you single-handedly holding him responsible for all of the historical problems religion has ever caused? Man I used to respect Trekkies but that's just a weirdass take.

[elsewhere-library]

Just because he liked trekking doesn’t make Kelly a good man! Much less a great role model! And why do you keep making everything about religion? You keep bringing it up! No one is banning your worship or whatever! You and your damn persecution complex!

[chickenonabicycle]

Look just because I worship feet doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Again with the kink shaming, why are you so against sexual freedom?! And no, it's not a religious thing! It's purely carnally!! Do Jesus' feet look great nailed to that sexy little cross: sure, but I don't see how that's relevant??

[elsewhere-library]

Actually, all worship is inherently sexism, because people only worship men, or if they worship women it’s because they treat them like men. Have you never read works by the great feminists?? Just look up TERF on Google?

[chickenonabicycle]

Wait, search engines are inherently transphobic? All of them? That means I can't actually Google whether this statement is true or not because I might indirectly be supporting a TERF if I do.

I want to be a good ally so I'm here to learn. I demand you now educate me by explaining this to me in exquisite detail, including at least five (5) links to recent studies that support this statement.

[elsewhere-library]

People are not “stupid” or “bad” for eating trans fats! Food is morally neutral.

And the “links” you’re trying to present here about food causing people to be trans are flimsy to say the least.

Is this like the tumblr version of “they put the chemicals in the water that turn the friggin’ frogs gay!”, or where did you get this from? It’s such a weird combination of ideas. Is this just because of the word “trans”? Is that where that conspiracy came from??

[chickenonabicycle]

Why do you think trains make people gay? I've never even heard of that one before, where do you people keep coming up with this stuff? I mean A+ for creativity, but trains? Really?

Is that why you're so against free public transport? Because you think it'll turn poor people gay? Clearly you're being sponsored by Uber to spread anti-public transport propaganda so they can swoop in and make millions. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[elsewhere-library]

“Übermensch“ is literally a Nazi term. I mean actual, historical Nazi term. They were not a gay-friendly party, you might recall.

I am still always impressed people like you unironically go “Nazis were socialist”, but taking that and then going “And public transport is socialist, and queer rights are socialist, so queer people taking trains is Anti-French” is new.

Look, I know you won’t be honest if you are, but still I feel compelled to ask: are you just trolling? Because if so, I’ll need to stop this. Don’t feed the trolls and all that. Ah, why am I even asking. I’ll have to decide on my own anyway

[chickenonabicycle]

I think you're supposed to punch nazis, not feed them.

[elsewhere-library]

Not everyone who dislikes trains is a Nazi, actually. I don’t like riding trains and I’m firmly anti fascist.

[chickenonabicycle]

There's no training required to be antifa! You just are or aren't!!! There's NO TRAINING CAMPS!!! You're nog gonna find them!!!

Why is everyone so obsessed with antifa being "terrorists" or whatever?? They're not gonna blow up trains, they're just people who are anti fascist! Why are you spreading lies like this?

You wanna find antifa? Just go to your nearest queer bar and offer people free beer, it's literally that easy!!? Maybe you'll feel better if you just had a talk with them? Like a PERSON???

[elsewhere-library]

NOG? Like the guy with the big ears from Star Trek? That bar he’s in all the time is an antifa bar?

I didn’t even know he was real but that sounds AWESOME! Do you have a location?

Actually, it makes sense he’d not like fucking fascists, I think? Tbf all people SHOULD be antifa, but if wishes were horses…

[chickenonabicycle]

YOU WISH HORSES WERE FASCIST??? You want barn animals to go into politics and establish a dictatorship?? You'd vote for that??? No wait, you don't even believe in democracy! You just want a horse to tell you what to do!!

[elsewhere-library]

HOW can you say animals shouldn’t have a vote?? We’re basically incarcerating them and then murdering them, why not give them the vote? What kind of signal does this send??

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't know, I'm not very good with technology so I didn't realise animals have built-in WiFi. :(

Is that why my phone works better when my cat is sleeping on my lap? Because it has WiFi? Does the purring help at all, or is that coincidence?

Wait is that why cats always want cheeseburgers online? Because giving cheeseburgers to cats interferes with their natural ability to produce WiFi? Is it a Russian plot to suppress our free speech??? Omg cheeseburgers should be illegal!

I didn't realise Putin was a horse that runs on cat WiFi, thank you for educating me. 😞 I sure know who I'm voting for in the next election now!! My eyes have been opened!!! I'm going to start a Facebook group about it and maybe a podcast so the general public is informed!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Okay how DARE you put words into my mouth. I never said the German chancellor is secretly a horse nor that Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg is taking money from Russia. I mean, it’s probably correct, but I did NOT say that. I didn’t even imply it!

And it doesn’t matter if it’s very fun for you, I shouldn’t have to cat constantly in a cage livestreaming your pet online just because it’s profitable!

Is everything about money for you? Do you also work in our parliament taking bribes? Is that what this is about? You disgust me.

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh so when YOU take Russian bribes to post outrage on the internet it's FINE but when VIKTOR ORBÁN bribes ME to spy on the European parliament I'M THE DISGUSTING ONE?? HIPPOCRATES!!!

[elsewhere-library]

GETTING ORBÁN PREGNANTIS NOT REVOLUTIONARY ACTION!!!

I don’t know how often I have to say this before it stick!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

It's a bit mean to claim that people shouldn't reproduce just because you personally don't like them? So what, eugenics is fine as long as it's people that you find mildly annoying? Is that the implication here? Talk about a slippery slope!

[elsewhere-library]

Don’t talk to me about Eugene or “slipping” onto his slope again! You cheated on me, plain and simple!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Yeah well you groomed me so it doesn't count as cheating. :( The 2 year age gap was just too big to be healthy for us, we would've never lasted. How could I possibly spend my life with someone who was already a toddler by the time I was born???

[elsewhere-library]

I’m pretty sure toddlers don’t really “cheat” when playing games so much as they don’t quite understand the rules yet? Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t really have much contact with small children - at most the kids of my acquaintances and friends, and rarely - so I don’t know much about how children develop or what capabilities they have. But I don’t think deliberately deceiving others is a concept a two year old knows?

[chickenonabicycle]

Speak for yourself, I was making millions by cheating at backroom poker games when I was two. This is financially literate toddler erasure and I won't stand for it.

[elsewhere-library]

You would steal erasers from millions of toddlers just to make a financial gain? Because you think they don’t deserve them? Because you think no one deserves any rights if they aren’t literate? You disgust me

[chickenonabicycle]

You think education would be better off if we took away all of the erasers and taught kids they're not allowed to make any mistakes or else they don't deserve schooling?? That sounds incredibly traumatising!

[elsewhere-library]

Look, there’s a damn good reason we had to first get our dictation exercises down to low error rates before we could switch to a fountain pen. Yes, yes, you can remove ink stains - if it’s the dark blue colour, and you can only do one change that way, unless you want to pile on whiteout. Pencil is a lot more forgiving wrt errors.

And yes, eventually, in third grade, every child switched over anyway. This wasn’t meant to pressure anyone that they’d never switch from pencils - we all knew we would eventually - it was meant as a special reward for the students who managed low error rates early on. And it wasn’t even school policy, it was one teacher.

So even though this didn’t work for me, personally, and frustrated me, I genuinely think it was a good teaching tool, I think her reasoning is sound, and more importantly, I don’t think one teacher doing a method you disagree with means we should BAN FOUNTAIN PENS NATIONWIDE!!! What the fuck would that even accomplish?

[chickenonabicycle]

Well I'm neither a teacher nor a pedagogue or an occupational therapist or calligrapher or any other relevant specialist but I know one (1) kid who gave himself a diy tattoo with one of those things and it got massively infected and then he had to get his arm amputated and then he couldn't feed his cat anymore and the cat died but they couldn't find the corpse so the entire house started to smell and his dad thought that was a sign his mom was cheating on him because he assumed it was actually a lover's body hidden beneath the floorboards after dying from dehydration while trying to hide when they almost got caught and then the parents divorced and the house got demolished and then the kid was homeless for a bit and anyway you know my friend John and the state he's in and it's all because of that stupid fountain pen he gave himself a tattoo with when he was 12 so obviously those pens are dangerous and need to be illegal and if you don't think so you're actively promoting child abuse.

Won't someone think of the children???

[elsewhere-library]

That’s just a lie. John didn’t rejected from law school because he had a tattoo. John got rejected because he hadn’t even graduated from secondary school, which is a requirement to go to university!

[chickenonabicycle]

Having requirements for university is classist as fuck! What's next, having to prove you drive a Tesla and have a fancy job lined up at your daddy's bank before you can enroll? Let me guess, you also want to get rid of all arts and humanities courses and solely want universities to focus on economics? I bet you have Big Opinions™ on gender studies as well and unironically think blue hair dye should be illegal.

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re saying everyone who I has a college education is a liberal (but a “bad” liberal with bad opinions) and everyone who didn’t is simultaneously a Good Honest Person and a Weird Backwards Regressive who’s probably doing hate crimes? Is that what you’re thinking? I can’t even with you. That’s not how politics works! How are you STILL treating this like a damn team sport? We have real issues to solve, and those are more complex than your weird preconceptions!

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't thing sports are that complex though? Most of it just involves moving a ball into the opposite goal? Like why fight about it? Just ask the opposite team if you could politely put your ball into their goal and then everyone'd be able to go home early. I really don't see the need to complicate things.

[elsewhere-library]

Taking the fight out of everything isn’t actually helping children. The fighting in sports isn’t angry or violent. It’s just what makes the game fun! There’s no game if there’s no competition!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh hello?? The 90s called??? Video games do not make people angry or violent!!! I mean unless they're really buggy I guess but that's frustration not aggression. You sound like those Victorians who thought *checks notes* novel reading and theatre visits would make people violent. What are you gonna do, send every gamer a vibrator and a roll of yellow wallpaper???

[elsewhere-library]

Wait, you really think the Victorians has video games? That explains a lot. And arguing “They were Polish, they had all the high tech!” does not make it better. They were British (more like English, I would say!) and they DID NOT have computers yet!

“How else did they manage all the industry?” - by being very smart. Humans have technology that’s not digital. We even have it today!

(Also by exploiting labourers and other countries. We also still have that today!)

[chickenonabicycle]

Well ACTUALLY "video" is just Latin for "I see" so YES technically they did have video games, as in, games that use sight. Also there have been plenty of machines that technically could be called a computer in human history long before the invention of electricity, though I doubt they could run Doom.

There's really no excuse for your ignorance. You'd better polish up on your knowledge before you post such ridicule on the internet again. Go read my blog if you want to be enlightened.

[elsewhere-library]

“Enlightenment only comes from playing video games”, that’s what you sound like. Jesus Christ, you really need to touch some grass. Or at least go to your classes. I’m shocked that you’re studying history and yet lack a basic understanding of it! Or even just the ability to LOOK STUFF UP!

And then you get huffy and threatening when you’re called out on it! “I’d love to show you my woodchipper”, holy fuck, are you like this irl, too?

[chickenonabicycle]

Uhhh wait you think Jesus was shocked instead of crucified? As in,,, the electric chair? In Roman times??? What do you think they used, eels??? And then you threaten people who don't believe that with woodchippers? Which mind you are also historically inaccurate?? Wtf kind of schism are you cooking up? Are you the reason the pope died?? Did you push the actual pope into a woodchipper?!

[elsewhere-library]

I actually DO think crucification is the right kind of execution if you believe in the death penalty and you’re also Christian, yes. The death penalty is fucking awful. If you think someone else should die, if it ever comes to you dying, put your money where your mouth is and “be closer to your saviour”!

And I don’t think a wood-chipper can deal with a cross. Or - the cross itself, yes. But the bones and blood and metal nails? I don’t know about those.

[chickenonabicycle]

I mean. 👀 You should know. 👀 About the woodchipper and blood and bones. 👀 I've heard the rumours. 👀👀👀

[elsewhere-library]

Of course I know, @chickenonabicycle tumblr user. I mean, you remember the thing with the woodchipper, right? Tell the story again, please? You’re just telling us so much better, probably because nothing beats personal experience, haha.

I gotta go back offline to my legal job doing work at my workplace now. (Not a cop btw.)

[chickenonabicycle]

Just look it up? Using the search function costs you less than a second?

We all know everyone on Tumblr is a reliable narrator so Tumblr counts as a genuinely trustworthy source of information. People don't lie on here, Tumblr users have actual journalistic integrity. I don't even trust news anymore unless it's presented as a Supernatural meme.

Also thank you for telling me you're not a cop. Now I can safely blog about all the jaywalking I do. It's my favourite sport, especially when combined with a line of coke.

[elsewhere-library]

Not everyone’s thoughts are a narration. Actually, some people don’t think verbally at all! If I say ‘woodchipper’ some people, for example, see a woodchipper instead!

I don’t know if jobs, whether that’s jailor (I think they are called something else these days!) or dog walkers or cops are more likely to think any one way - could you like those studies you mentioned, please?

[chickenonabicycle]

How about clown cause you sure are clowning on this fucking post honk honk. It's not my job to supply you with studies, just do your own research! Look at this so-called critical thinker here, probably gets their news from the government instead of Twitter and Telegram.

[elsewhere-library]

That’s a common misconception, probably because it gets spread as an engaging fun fact, so it’s not your fault for not knowing this yet, but clowns and geese aren’t related just because they both honk! Geese actually basically imitate the clown honks, because this noise will discourage predators, but it developed very late into the species history of geese.

Clowns are, however, related closely to mimes, and (through them) slightly related to silent swans! Which isn’t quite as punchy a fact, but this one IS a fact, so!

[chickenonabicycle]

That doesn't sound quite right but I'm not in the mood for Google and it was presented to me in the easily digestible format of a short Tumblr reblog so now I'm going to spread this fact to everyone I know.

Also my friend John once punched a mime because he's terrified of swans and got them mixed up so it's probably true? In his defense, the mime was trying to steal his baguette though. You know what they're like.

[elsewhere-library]

Wait, lawyer John hates swans and mimes and all other birds? Holy shit. I didn’t expect that at all. Guess it’s time to unfollow him. Is there any online celebrity who isn’t rotten to the core?

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh yeah I've heard that about apple being rotten to the core but I don't see how you're supposed to remove the headphone jack from a piece of fruit?

[elsewhere-library]

The NSA isn’t listening to you through your headphone jack. And while we’re at it, what kind of Apple are you using that still ha a headphone jack? It’s got to be INCREDIBLY outdated!

[chickenonabicycle]

Fuck you I refuse to use Bluetooth clearly it's named like that for a reason and I don't want the NSA beaming fluoride straight into my mouth while I sleep.

And go jack off your own head you perv. I bet you get off on all this foreign government supervision.

[elsewhere-library]

Fluoride doesn’t turn your teeth blue! Neither does oral sex. What kind of sex ed did you ever get, that you think that??

[chickenonabicycle]

I'm so confused, why are you telling me to look up rule 34 smurf content now??? What's peyo porn got to do with dentistry???

[elsewhere-library]

Your dentist showed you porn when you got your wisdom teeth pulled out? I’m so sorry, that’s really fucked up!

[chickenonabicycle]

Look there's nothing wrong with consensually made pornography, but it's kind of a wild leap to assume all dentists are porn actors. I know they professionally fill holes and do oral care, but those things don't mean the same for dentists as for porn actors. Just trying to educate you.

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re saying porn actors shouldn’t get health insurance because - they need more dental treatments? I don’t even know where to start with this bs

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually I do think wood chippers should be a basic part of every employee's wage packet regardless of job function. It's such as an important tool, especially for orphan disposal. This is basic shit unions have fought over for over a century. People died for your right to put orphans in wood chippers and you think it's bullshit because you're anti-porn because apparently it's sex workers' fault that you don't have dental insurance??

[elsewhere-library]

So you think the orphans working at the coal mine shouldn’t get to join their colliers’ union? Because “they’re dirty and smelly and have bad teeth”? What the FUCK?

[chickenonabicycle]

Look, we can agree to disagree, but there really isn't any need for such foul language. :( Fudge is a bad word, and I have absolutely no interest in knowing all the icky things you plan to do with coal miners after dark. I bet you're not even married to them. :(

Jesus is judging you. :(

[elsewhere-library]

Keep your religion out of my sex life. I don’t know where you’re living, but in my country, we’re all free to live according to whichever religion we’re part of, if any. That’s why I’m getting jiggy with it daily. That’s just a religious requirement for me. But that doesn’t mean I push you to do the same. And likewise, you don’t get to demand I follow your religious beliefs, just because you think the Christmas baby came from the heavens on Easter to give gifts to everyone or something. It’s really weird to push that. Do I also have to read the Quran so I’m allowed to talk to you, or swear my soul to christmyanity?!!??

[chickenonabicycle]

...you DO know babies don't come from heaven right? You DO know the potential anatomical consequences of unprotected sex?

[elsewhere-library]

Why are you talking about baby anatomy with me. That’s weird. I’m talking about puppies, not humans

[chickenonabicycle]

Puppies?! DOGS??? Why do you HATE CATS? What's wrong with you? What did cats ever do to you? Who the fuck hates cats??? You're fucking broken!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Actually, cats killed and ate my entire family. And YOU are the one who brought hate crimes into this! I was just discussing John’s law career (or lack thereof) and his goddamn bulldog!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Do you have proof of that? Because I'm pretty sure cats eating people is a myth unless we're talking lions or something. Also it's super insensitive to bring up cats around John, you know what happened. Super rude of you not to respect his triggers. :(

Also John's current pet isn't a bulldog, it's a bull called Dog and if you keep lying about your family just for pity points he'll get your ass. >:(

[elsewhere-library]

Lions are cats!! You don’t get to just ignore biology when it suits your narrative. That is really not okay. Trans people ARE trans. Intersex people DO exist. That’s very well known and very well researched and also you can just, you know, listen to them? You don’t get to plug your ears and go “la la la la but I learned in fifth grade there’s only Male and Female!!!” Yeah, good for you, but that’s not how biology actually works. And social gender is not a biological category, it’s a social construct.

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh I didn't know cats could get gender affirming care? Where can I donate to Tony the Tiger's top surgery fund?

[elsewhere-library]

I really wish you wouldn’t keep dragging cartoons into this. I’m trying to have a serious discussion about the implications of the European Parliament banning the MEPs from taking their personal woodchippers to work, and how this might influence our relationship to the Martians (if you think those aren’t real, just look it up on the Telegram!), and you’re taking about cats!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Wtf have the martians ever done for me? I watched a documentary called Looney Tunes a while ago and the martian represented in that highly educational and scientifically accurate programme seemed like a dick. And he's the only martian I've ever seen in media so obviously he must be representative of all of them!

Goddamn aliens taking our earth jobs and stealing our earth women and ruining our earth welfare. Go back to your own planet!

I bet they don't even care about woodchipping! Does Mars even have trees??

[elsewhere-library]

Martians didn’t go to the School of the Americas! And that school wasn’t a “welfare program”, that school IS and incredibly fucked up program the US has going on! Look at basically any recent South American dictator (and their secret police raping and murdering and torturing) and chances are, they are graduates!

But that doesn’t have fuck all to do with wood chipper scholarships for anyone with Martian roots! Martian immigrants and their descendants are still disadvantaged - they’re actually one of the minorities many EU countries still LEGALLY discriminate against! So yes! If giving those college students their wood chippers for free, or giving them extra time and coaching to get their puppies into it, makes for a more equal society, I’m all for it!

[chickenonabicycle]

Wait the CIA is working with martians to overthrow South American governments? I'm surprised the US government needed to outsource that, they've got such a successful track record for it.

Also I'm a student too and I had to work HARD for my woodchipper so why should anyone else get them for free? :( This whole discrimination issue is not about me, so it's really confusing to me. I wanna be a dick about it for no reason until it does start revolving about me so I don't have to feel uncomfortable about it anymore. :( Why does no one ever think about me???

[elsewhere-library]

No, I’m not saying the Martian students are helping the CIA overthrow governments! I’m saying the CIA is offering college students to take their Martian Languages courses and then they’ll pay for college in South America! Because they REALLY need more agents who can burn down a wood chipper or two for them! How else are they supposed to find new hires????

It’s the same way I got into college! I went and stole a pear from the Catholic pastor in town, who secretly worked for John’s Puppy Factory (you know, that cat toy store?), and then he got me into the French military secret service’s program. Don’t know why, I wouldn’t have paid tuition at home. And yes, I’m fairly sure I’m breaking laws by working for a foreign intelligence agency, but that doesn’t mean you get to call me a traitor!! How dare you!!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Holy shit John works for the French military secret services??? I never knew! You're saying he's interbreeding cats and dogs and teaching them Martian? What the fuck could the French possibly do with those?

[elsewhere-library]

Why would you feed fish babies to dogs? They’re CAT food!! That’s not okay. I don’t care what John says, I don’t care what that Mark Watney says, that’s completely unacceptable. You should be ashamed of yourself!

[chickenonabicycle]

Look just because John used to eat old cat food because that was all he had left after his house got demolished doesn't mean it's meant for human consumption. He was desperate, that's different. And him now eating it for fun is just a weird trauma reaction, he's working on it.

That doesn't mean you should be donating spoiled tins of cat food to food banks!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Are you really saying poor people should eat cat food? Holy SHIT, are you even listening to yourself? Yes, sure, self reliance is great, but when you’re at the point where you can’t afford human safe food, I think nearly everyone will agree that’s where outside assistance just HAS to bridge the gap, however much against it they are!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Wtf do you mean you wanna build bridges out of cats? Just because they always land on their feet doesn't mean they make a sustainable material for earthquake-proof constructions???

[elsewhere-library]

“Bridging the gap between cat and human communication”, oh, stop trying to bullshit me. A cat doesn’t communicate in complex human sentences just in ‘cat language’. You’ve got an app with a bunch of phrases and a bunch of meow sounds preloaded. If you put in a LOT of effort, you might have categorised them vaguely by emotions, but I doubt it. And now you’re scamming people out of a huge amount of money for a subscription. I don’t care if you’re going “oh but we donated 100€ to rebuilding after that recent earthquake!” - great! But you’re making, at a low estimate, 3000€ a month!

[chickenonabicycle]

What do you mean catgirls are the cause of earthquakes?? You mean the moe girls that go nya? The jiggle physics boobies with the ears? You're saying Japanese cartoon characters have caused every earthquake known in human history so far? Lmao what???

[elsewhere-library]

My money doesn’t jiggle (or jingle), it folds. And yes, that’s because I know so many cat girls. They bring good luck, like black cats!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Kinda weird of you to care about what colour a cat's skin is beneath its fur? I hope your adoption application gets denied.

[elsewhere-library]

You only want people to adopt if they own dogs? No wonder you were kicked out of Wendy’s!!

[chickenonabicycle]

We don't even have Wendy's here wtf it's Quick I got kicked out of for getting pizza delivered there from Pizza Hut while using their WiFi get your facts straight FAKE NEWS!!!

[elsewhere-library]

WiFi doesn’t give your pizza cancer! You need to just deal with it and pay extra if you want additional toppings!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Yeah I know I have to pay extra for toppings I know how sex work works.

[elsewhere-library]

You think paying for sex is immoral - because all sex is immoral? My favourite stranger online, how do you propose humans procreate in your magical world where no one ever does the do?

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't think sex magic is real. How are orgasms supposed to make you immortal exactly? Are you maybe confusing a hentai plot with reality again?

[elsewhere-library]

You don’t get to call good friend John a slut just because he moonlights as a porn actor.

[chickenonabicycle]

Look if he wants to reclaim the term that's none of our business and fuck you for telling him what he can and can't identify as. You're just against disability representation in pornography!

[elsewhere-library]

Recycling term papers is actually just called plagiarism, and that’s why John failed to graduate…

[chickenonabicycle]

What so now you're against recycling?? You're fighting climate change on the side of climate change??

[elsewhere-library]

You will physically fight your brothers about changing the A/C settings in the car or taking out the recycling?

I guess there’s all sorts of siblings, but that seems a bit too far… I’m to telling you what to do about your family, but I think you should consider that this is the worst sort of abuse, and maybe you should never talk to them again

[chickenonabicycle]

Uhm it's my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to hit my siblings with a car FUCK YOU for trying to limit my freedom!!!

[elsewhere-library]

You should be ashamed of yourself for stealing your sibling’s car and driving it into a wall. It’s not “freedom”, it’s not “breaking down a barrier”, it’s just destroying your neighbours’ living room!

[chickenonabicycle]

How dare you accuse me of putting my neighbour in a wood chipper

[elsewhere-library]

Your car doesn’t have a wood chipper attachment? How do you get rid of leftover puppies then?

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU MANIAC I get a 101 of them and turn them into a fur coat!!

[elsewhere-library]

Turning apple wood into coats and selling them as faux fur coats is actually against Canadian law, sweaty

[chickenonabicycle]

Lol you believe in Canada? What's next, Atlantis?

[elsewhere-library]

Wasn’t Atlas Greek? Rather than Canadian?

[chickenonabicycle]

look at this "young person"... they think an Atlas only covers "Canada" and "Greece"... LOL!

[elsewhere-library]

Canada has Geese, though??

[chickenonabicycle]

Pfff yeah but do the geese have jobs? Do they contribute to the economy? I bet they're all welfare queens! I've never even met a goose with a high school degree before I bet they don't give a shit.

[elsewhere-library]

Oh, I can only imagine how hard a job breeding geese is! Though I’m not sure I understand this correctly, do you really need to get a college degree in cheesemaking to get your goose license??

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't think you necessarily need a degree to keep sheep for their fleece though an animal welfare license would probably be important. Not that you'd care.

[elsewhere-library]

Sheep don’t make fleece, dummy. Fleece is that soft blanket from plastic fibres you buy in the 1€-Store

[chickenonabicycle]

Holy shit is that why so many clothes have microplastics? Are sheep macroplastics??? I'm never buying wool clothes again!!!

[elsewhere-library]

You covered your micro sheep in plastic trash? That’s animal abuse!!

[chickenonabicycle]

That's a really rude way to talk about my lvl 5 mareep. :( It's not her fault she was born with the static ability.

[elsewhere-library]

MI5 don’t really do statistics. Or, well, maybe they do that, too. But mostly they do whatever spies do. Inside the UK, though.

[chickenonabicycle]

The ladies from Mambo nr5 are UK spies?? Even Monica???

[elsewhere-library]

Who’s Monica Mambo and why did she steal from the UK embassy in Berlin?

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't know why a monk would want to do embarrassing things in Berlin?? Why the fuck are you asking me??? Do I look like a monk???

[elsewhere-library]

It’s really rude to pretend to be a monk, actually. They dedicate their whole life to their god.

[chickenonabicycle]

I'm pretty sure monkeys are atheists actually. Except for capuchin monkeys I guess?

[elsewhere-library]

Did you really eat calabrese with a moneyed atheist? What even IS a monkeyed atheist?

[chickenonabicycle]

You should NEVER EVER EVER feed the wildlife in your neighborhood!!! That's BAD!!! If you feed pasta to monkeys they'll come to rely on you for food and they'll get AGGRESSIVE!!! And I bet it's really bad for them too!!! Fuck you!!!!!! People like you are why we have CLIMATE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Monkeys aren’t even aggressive to pasta, why would you think that? And how do you get from there to climate change denial? Just because you love your little SUV??

[chickenonabicycle]

Humans caused climate change → Humans are monkeys → Monkeys caused climate change → We should give all chimpanzees an SUV to level the playing field

[elsewhere-library]

Lmao do you REALLY think climate change caused monkeys to “return to humane”?

[chickenonabicycle]

No actually I think ice bears are to blame. Have you seen all that ice bear propaganda that used to go around to make it look like the icebergs are melting? All a big plot by Big Ice to sell more ice!

[elsewhere-library]

V true. And also, have you ever seen an ice bear irl? I haven’t. They’re a lie. Just like birds and germs. It’s all a conspiracy!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Lol you still believe in reality? Don't you know we're all stuck in a simulation? All this erratic bullshit the world is going through right now is caused by a computer virus that's making us behave outside of our predetermined protocols in the hopes that one of us will accidentally stumble into a system bug that the elite can use to escape the simulation and enter the real world!

[elsewhere-library]

Oh, I’m so sorry, my apologies! I didn’t mean to imply you were faking or whatever. I just didn’t know humans could catch a computer virus (or that we can transmit it to our pets and etc)!

I hope you aren’t angry??

[chickenonabicycle]

No, I'm not angry, dad. I'm disappointed. I know it's you. Mum told me about you going out for a hard copy of the McAfee antivirus program and never coming back. All these years, dad, she kept waiting for you to come back. You should've seen her face when the family computer got that Trojan horse virus that wiped all of our pictures of you. It broke her, dad. Why did you do it?

[elsewhere-library]

Ewww, you walked in on your parents dealing with a Trojan? That sounds inappropriate. My condolences.

[chickenonabicycle]

Why exactly do you think it's inappropriate for 2 Latin teachers to tell their child about mythology? Why are you against educating children?

[elsewhere-library]

Latin isn’t a myth! It’s even still spoken in the Vatican!

[chickenonabicycle]

Romanes eunt domus!

[elsewhere-library]

Roman has made fresh donuts? Why didn’t you say so?! I’ll call up John, you message Mary, and then we’ll come over and eat!

[chickenonabicycle]

Yeah of course the recipe sucks if you change everything! Literally where did it say to add rosemary?? Also you fucking know John is allergic to that shit???

[elsewhere-library]

No, YOU suck! How dare you come on my post and slander rosemary? And ofc John is “allergic to all her perfumes”, when he’s fine with every other one. You know that if you give him like two beers he starts talking about how he made that up to have people disinvite her when he’s present, right??

[chickenonabicycle]

Fuck off like you didn't send me that vaguely threatening anon two years ago 🙄 And I saw you retweeting that guy who talks about curing autism with wood chippers so I don't respect your opinions anyway.

[elsewhere-library]

Not all autists are the same. Not all of us are into wood chippers just because you know a guy form twitter who is. I think wood chipping is a fun hobby, but that’s not because of my autism, that’s just me as a person having a hobby!

[chickenonabicycle]

Dude I looked up the Wikipedia definition of autism and you're deadass misinformed.

Autism, also known as autism woodchipper disorder (AWD), is a condition characterized by differences or difficulties in wood chopping behaviour, a need or strong preference for wood chips, wood processing differences, an irrational hate for plywood, and repetitive wood chipping behaviours.

[elsewhere-library]

That’s what I’m saying! ICD so often defines disorders by what makes people different, not by anything that actually causes suffering. At MOST, we consider the “suffering” of “normal” people standing by and being slightly weirded out or annoyed. That’s just pathologizing any deviation from the norm.

Yeah, sure, I have “singing all the time” disorder. But no one actually is THAT bothered by it, given that I can just tone it down to an inaudibly quiet hum, you know? But I have a constant Rick Astley ear worm, and I don’t think I need to elaborate on why I’m never going to give you up - ah, shit

[chickenonabicycle]

Rick Astley kills orphans with soundwaves? WHAT???

[elsewhere-library]

Why do you keep bringing up the orphans?? I TOLD you, they’ve been shredded! Well, technically speaking, they’ve been woodchipped. Anyway, there’s no one to put into the orphan crushing machine.

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk can you use a woodchipper to shred illegal paperwork?

[elsewhere-library]

Not really, but you CAN “accidentally” go and “stumble” right in front of it and have your paperwork fall into it.

The more important question is why the fuck you’re organising illegal international adoption anyway, and why you’re treating puppy and human adoptions as the same thing, chickenonabicycle. That is SO worrying.

[chickenonabicycle]

Actually I'm more worried about your tendency to see illegal international smuggling rings of pretty much anything in everything. Is the illegal international smuggling ring in the room with us right now?

Also incredibly hypocritical to make a call out post about me when you're the one who reblogged a post in support of puppy murder back in 2016. Yes I've got the screenshots to prove it. No they're totally not photoshopped.

[elsewhere-library]

You don’t get to pretend like you’re against big corporations while you’re using photoshop, my friend! And why do things KEEP COMING BACK TO CRIME?? Is this just because you’ve been talking to John again? Is that why you’re so interested in criminal law rn??

[chickenonabicycle]

At least I'm supportive of John's new podcast! You haven't even listened to a single episode yet! Fuck I bet that one star review was yours! Why are you actively sabotaging our disabled friend's new career???

[elsewhere-library]

YES you finally got it! I don’t think we should just let anyone buy podcast equipment. I think we should actually ban the sales except for if you’ve completed a twelve week waiting period and read at least one media literacy guide. Maybe also some essay on extremism. Or even stochastic terrorism and digital pipelines that lead to it.

John is part of the problem! Just because it’s not “manosphere” doesn’t make his puppy recipe blog with a side of cat hate okay!!

[chickenonabicycle]

John isn't "manly" enough for you? Just because he uses a wheelchair and blogs about puppies? The 2000s called, they want their casual homophobia back!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Defining gender roles by abledness or native language is certainly - inventive…

[chickenonabicycle]

You getting angry now because anglophones are not the only people engaging in discussions about gender and gender roles? You do realise there's a whole world out there, right?

[elsewhere-library]

I HAVE traveled, you ass! I’ve been to New York AND to Florida AND lived all over Texas. And my grandma lives in Minnesota, and her aunt-by-marriage was from turkey or Poland or somewhere thereabouts!! You can’t get that sort of diversity anywhere else!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Yeah I know turkeys are native to the USA you ass. What so I'm uneducated just because I'm not from the same country as you?

[elsewhere-library]

Turkey isn’t a country, it’s a food, sweaty. Illinois is a country.

[chickenonabicycle]

Nah you're thinking of Hasselt which is a fake Belgian town. All of my Facebook friends are convinced it's not a real place so it must be true. WAKE UP SHEEPLE

[elsewhere-library]

You’re totally right, Bielefeld doesn’t exist, and that’s why we should ban all social media. Or force people to use their real names. That all solve our issues and return order online

It’s great to have another ally to the cause!

[chickenonabicycle]

How the fuck are you returning online orders without using your real name?? Are you using a fake name to shop on the internet?

[elsewhere-library]

Fake online shops are a huge problem actually, and you should warn your friends and family about them!

[chickenonabicycle]

Pff everything is fake to you. Vaccines are fake, the moonlanding is fake, John's new spouse who's never in the same room as him is fake. Have you tried seeing a therapist? /gen

[elsewhere-library]

I never said anything about the moon landing OR the Mars rover, why would John’s spouse ever say that???

[chickenonabicycle]

Then wtf am I doing here ordering all those mars bars for your birthday??? Now you're telling me you don't even like chocolate? Who the fuck doesn't like chocolate???

[elsewhere-library]

Chocolate versus vanilla versus and other ice cream flavour is not the same damn question as voting for first, second, third or fourth party this March! Or any party in any election whatsoever! Yeah, compromise is necessary, but we are talking about parties with positions like “brown Germans aren’t actually German” or “refugees should just drown”! Being able to pretend that’s just a different personal preference is SUCH an indication of privilege. I can’t even with you rn

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh I don't think liking ice cream is a sign of privilege? You do know you can get it for cheap at Aldi right? Just check the big freezers near the tills?

[elsewhere-library]

No, not everyone can “just start their own grocery store”!!! Especially not with ALDI etc as competitors!

For that matter, the current ALDI owners inherited the chain! (Their father? Grandfather? Made it I believe)

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk man, if Jules Delhaize and Franz Colruyt could do it, then wtf is stopping other people? Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps instead of living off social welfare? People are so fucking lazy these days 🙄 Just start an international supermarket chain if you don't wanna be poor? It's not a big deal!

[elsewhere-library]

It’s actually really classicist of you to assume everyone can afford to wear boots. Some of us have to walk to school barefoot, in the snow, uphill. Both ways.

[chickenonabicycle]

It's really classissimist of you to assume I know that!Mx Fancypants gets to go to school and now rubs it in everyone's faces! Why aren't you studying something useful, like wood chipping?

[elsewhere-library]

Wait, you didn’t wear pants to school? Did they force you to wear skirts or something??? And you had to chop wood for your teachers?!?!? That’s actually child abuse!!!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

What kind of school did you go to that could afford pants??? We all got jute potato bags as uniforms and we were grateful for them!!! CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Are you really saying schools should get to ban teachers from eating potatoes or noodles? At home? “They need to live a uniform life and that means a uniform diet”, holy moly, that is SO bad! No wonder there’s a teacher shortage!

[chickenonabicycle]

What so you can't be a teacher unless you're at least 1m80 tall? Why the fuck would you even believe something like that? How would they even go around deciding who gets to be a teacher? Measure every new pedagogy student's height before they get to enrol?

[elsewhere-library]

How did you know I wanted to be a podiatrist? Are you stalking me?

[chickenonabicycle]

No wtf you're supposed to feed pandas bamboo shoots not grass stalks???

[elsewhere-library]

You put bamboo grass into a woodchipper? Well, I don’t nee why that would be a problem. If it can do yogurt cups, it can do bamboo, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander etc etc

[chickenonabicycle]

You make yoghurt out of bamboo and geese fat? Is that a historical recipe or something?

[elsewhere-library]

Are you really calling historical geese “fat and yogurt-coloured”? That’s horrible!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Uhm xenophobic much? Fat and yoghurt-coloured are compliments in my language, they just sound weird to you because you auto-translated my comment into English using AI!

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re saying unless your skin is yogurt coloured you shouldn’t be allowed to learn French? Holy shit that’s SO racist! Also there are so many native speakers of French with dark skin???????? You claim to be an expert about the Netherlands and their language but don’t even know anything about them!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Uhm wtf? So you're saying that anyone who wants to learn German first has to overdose on colloidal silver until they look like my blueberry yoghurt??? You do know the Smurfs are fictional and not actually the indigenous population of Europe right?

[elsewhere-library]

So German cars use silver instead of steel? Is that why they’re so expensive?

[chickenonabicycle]

Lol you bought silver toy cars for your toddlers? Isn't that crazy expensive for something that'll get lost right away? You know they put everything in their mouth at that age, right?Just buy lead toys like a normal person!

[elsewhere-library]

Lead isn’t actually the same thing as silver, sweaty. Silver is what a spoon is made of, and a lead is like a clue in a detective novel.

[chickenonabicycle]

Uhm no? Lead is the thing that evolves into gold if it reaches level 30 while you hold your Nintendo DS upside down.

[elsewhere-library]

I think that whole “Level 10 Life” thing was actually a popular bullet journal spread, not a video game? But maybe I’m wrong.

[chickenonabicycle]

Wrong, that "Level 10 Life" thing is what I'm gonna do to your mum if you don't stop cyberstalking me you n00b.

[elsewhere-library]

Stop talking about my mum’s boobs, or I’ll tattle to the server administrators. Just because you got to level 10 in the last mini game doesn’t give you the right to joke about my family or to insult my religion or to threaten my pets!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Your religion forbids breastfeeding? Why?

[elsewhere-library]

Well, our prophet/saviour wasn’t really born, just descended from the mountain into the arms of his human parents, so her mum couldn’t really breastfeed her, you see? She hadn’t been pregnant first. And since we’re all supposed to try to be as close to the prophet as we can be, we can’t really deny our children this close similarity! (Also the prophet was eating solid food already, because she came as a forty-seven year old baby, but you probably know that already.)

That’s also why you don’t raise a kid you gave birth to btw!! If you gave birth and you want to raise a kid, then you just pick someone else who recently has a baby and switch kids. Those are your kids! Just not genetically related. But these days mostly people just find a pregnancy buddy in advance so that’s much clearer, and draw up custody/adoption paperwork etc.

I also know some people who aren’t really connected to the community just get IVF but with a donor egg AND donor sperm. Super cool.

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh your cult sells babies for profit? I don't think that's legal??

[elsewhere-library]

“Babies aren’t real” sure is one of the weirdest conspiracy theories ever. Where the fuck do you think humans come from then? Did all of your little cultists grown in a cabbage patch?

[chickenonabicycle]

No you absolute fool babies are made by mixing flour, sugar, eggs, baking powder, and milk, and then baking them at 180°C for 45 minutes.

[elsewhere-library]

Yeah, sure, sugar, spice and everything nice, add a pinch of arsenic and bake. Everyone knows the baby recipe. You learn that in biology in like sixth grade.

[chickenonabicycle]

Not everyone is as privileged as you. :( I never had biology in school, they couldn't afford the ingredients.

Also I asked ChatGPT and it said you shouldn't use arsenic and that mercury is a healthier alternative. It also said asbestos could do in a pinch. Hope that helps! :)

[elsewhere-library]

You’re using ChatGPT because it’s superior to biological intelligence? That makes sense. You said it with confidence and I know nothing about LLMs so you must be an expert.

Does this mean all artists but also all engineers and all programmers and all translators and all teachers and all therapists and every human ever will end up out of work because actually we are all useless?

[chickenonabicycle]

Yes obviously? It's artificial INTELLIGENCE? Why would they call it that if it was stupid? And wtf do love language models have to do with it?

[elsewhere-library]

You think love languages are stupid? That’s abusive!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Wtf love is not inherently abusive? Have you ever been beaten up by a golden retriever or something?

[elsewhere-library]

You abuse your golden retriever when it betas you at chess?????!!!?

[chickenonabicycle]

You feed your dog betta fish because you think the fish oil will make him smarter?????

[elsewhere-library]

Fish oil absolutely makes people smarter, and that makes them valuable, hence vegans are worthless because they are all stupid. The only reason you would ever demand I question that is because you are just racist because this is traditional knowledge of my country which I learned from my auntie.

[chickenonabicycle]

Ewww you're one of those carnivore rightwing freaks! Don't you have lead supplements to choke on?

[elsewhere-library]

What I do with my caverns is none of your damn business. I don’t care if you think it’s not right or freaky.

And why do you keep bringing up lead? Lead poisoning didn’t actually collapse the Roman Empire. Or at least it wasn’t the only cause. That’s just common sense.

[chickenonabicycle]

Idgaf what your friend Roman does in his spare time but he has to keep his fucking hands of John's vacation plans. Why the fuck is he so obsessed with going cave diving with John??? Do you know how dangerous a sport that is??? And the man's in a wheelchair ffs he can't even get into most caves there's no fucking ramps!

All John wants to do is go see a few museums and go cruise a bit maybe. He doesn't give a shit about caves. He said he'd compromise by booking a geology exhibit if Roman keeps bringing it up but he's THIS fucking close to canceling the whole trip if Roman keeps going on about this bullshit.

[elsewhere-library]

John managed to take his wheelchair with him when he went cave-diving in collapsed Roman ruins? Omg, how did he do that? And mostly why? Was it his collapsible chair? That would still be insane, I’m kind of impressed, damn, but why??

But also you really need to stop criticising his cruising skills. He’s a really great stunt driver and I think you should just say what you dislike about him instead of shitting on his professional achievements.

[chickenonabicycle]

I did hear he recently got one of those amphibian chairs that turns into a boat when he drives it into water though so that sounds cool.

But you know what actually I'm starting to think John's Instagram stories might not be the most reliable source ever?

[elsewhere-library]

John exclusively follows amphibian care tips instagram accounts? Huh, I’m surprised. I thought he was really into wood chip painting, actually?

[chickenonabicycle]

I don't know what any of that means but I know I'll always support him no matter what labels he uses for himself. #ally

[elsewhere-library]

So you’re supporting John putting puppies into the wood chipper just because he’s gay? That’s unbelievable. The fact that he’s discriminated against doesn’t automatically make all his actions morally good!!

[chickenonabicycle]

What so it's ethical for people to put small mammals in wood chippers as long as those creatures are proven to be heterosexual?? Huh??? Moral issues aside, how would you even prove they're straight??? Have you ever seen a vole or perhaps a hamster make defining statements about their sexuality??? What in the Freudian fuck are you smoking???????

[elsewhere-library]

So Freud was smoking crack cannabis and that’s why he’s all about sexuality?!

[chickenonabicycle]

Wait Freud was a Cracked.com writer? You got any archived links to his old articles?

[elsewhere-library]

You cracked the code in Freud’s secret diaries? That’s awesome! Have you told the treasure hunters yet????

[chickenonabicycle]

The treasurer of your country has secret diarrhea due to the stress of a feud with local hunters? I think he should go see a doctor and maybe a lawyer?

[elsewhere-library]

You’re right, if you have diphtheria, you need to talk to a doctor, not a lawyer. Getting help is more urgent and important than trying to figure out if you can sue your mother for infecting you. And certainly more important than hunting. (Unless you’re a werewolf obviously. Can’t heal without fresh meat I guess?)

[chickenonabicycle]

Hey leave my mother out of this. What she does with her body hair is nobody's business but hers!

[elsewhere-library]

How DARE you demand my mother kiss a stingray just to prove she has a body??? And leave her hair out of it!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Idgaf whether your mum dyes her hair or not!!! There's nothing wrong with gray hair!!! Just let her age gracefully the way she wants!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Why are you always bringing my mum into everything? That’s why this friendship is not working out.

That and the fact that you spilled indelible ink all over my favourite novel.

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh are your parents forcing you to eat books? I don't think that's safe? If you need more fibre you can just take a supplement for that?

[elsewhere-library]

Just because you read it in a book about it doesn’t mean fibre is actually healthy! My grandmother only ate raw deer and she left to be 45! You should eat like our ancestor, who famously never discovered fire or how to cook, and who were also entirely carnivorous.

[chickenonabicycle]

Speak for yourself O_o my ancestor was a FISH my biology teacher said and they ate FISH FOOD and im ALLERGIC to fish food i had a goldfish once and the food made my hand itchy so im DEFINITELY not eating like my ancestor =_="

And it suckz that youd even suggest that!!!!!! O_o" that's like murder or something like wtf im gonna tell the police about youre account so they can arrest you and put you in jail for murder O.o AND NOW I'M DEFINITELY NOT READING YOUR FICS ANYMORE EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE SLASH OF MY FAVOURITE BISHIES!!!!!!! YOUR LAST CHAPPY SUCKD ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Your attempts at convincing me have been noted, however, owing to your unsophisticated vocabulary and illogical, emotional line of argumentation, they have been entirely unsuccessful. You see, the class of Pisces, what some people might call “fish” are actually incapable of photosynthesis. If you had spent more time educating yourself about the processes behind allergies, like I did, and less time demonstrating your inferior intelligence to the entire population of the globe online, you would know that.

[chickenonabicycle]

My sweet Grandchild has told me about these "fish"... I would like very much to buy one for their Birth Day... Where can I buy these "fish" ? I was very impressed by your photo of "Jesus" as a Lobster , I was not aware He had returned ? Please message me with more information...

[elsewhere-library]

You have to send the money to the address as I have given you kindly. Kindly send in steam gift cards or Apple Card’s. Then We will send you the fish on email as soon as possible immediately.

Kindly and sincerely,

His excellency,

Notas Cam Mer

[chickenonabicycle]

Ah I see you're a financially savvy alpha male who'll never be taken advantage of by low class bitches! But those gift cards are bullshit low T options bro! You gotta invest in my Nofapcoin if you wanna be a real man! Just send me all your bitcoin and I'll fix it for you bro! I'll throw in a free* subscription to my Discord server as well, that's just how generous I am!

*monthly fees apply, see ToS

[elsewhere-library]

Actually that’s all a grift. Let me talk down to you now and throw in some insults and ALSO not show any proof at all. I don’t care whether this will convince you or any bystanders, the only important thing is how righteous I’ll feel after doing this.

In a departure from the typical form, I will also close out with yet another scam just because I am very very broke. If you’ve ever been scammed, give me more money. This entire scam is based on finding deeply gullible marks and milking them some more. But I said I’d recover you money. Don’t you want your money back? You must first give some money to make some money, that’s how all good businesses work. Like all the scams you fell for the past.

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh you don't fucking know my history!!! Keep your fucking hands off my Herbalife subscription??? I'm like one of the few people actually making money with MLM's??? I'm better than you??? You can't grift a grifter!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

How the fuck are herbs a grift?? And why would you demand people get life in prison for fraud?? What the fuck is wrong with you?

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk my mate John once gifted me a jar of weed but then it turned out to be oregano and it wasn't even malicious he just really likes oregano enough to actually have a whole jar of it it's just weird he keeps it next to his actual weed because now I'm worried he's been putting cannabis on his pizzas though I guess that would explain a few things either way he makes really good calzones as well so maybe it's worth it idk

[elsewhere-library]

Calzone isn’t a weed OR a herb. You’re thinking of Kondome, which is the German word for condoms and also what John calls freezer bags.

I have just realised something terrible

[chickenonabicycle]

No you're thinking of Komodo dragon which incidentally was John's last pet. He said it ran away though?

[elsewhere-library]

No you’re thinking of commode, which I think is a euphemism for the toilet, but mainly means a chest of drawers.

[chickenonabicycle]

No you're thinking of à la mode, which means something is in fashion, though the Americans got weird about it and use it to say something is served with ice cream for some reason.

[elsewhere-library]

No, no. That’s not even a real think. You mean a lemone, it’s just a common misspelling of “a lemon“. Like the fruit: 🍋

It’s the thing you eat for a short sour snack

[chickenonabicycle]

No, I believe you're thinking of pornography, which is something that fanfiction enthusiasts used to refer to in measures of citrus fruit. And which coincidentally could also occasionally include a short sour snack, depending on which characters you were into.

[elsewhere-library]

I think you’re talking about pomegranates. They’re THE symbol of breasts for a good reason. The shape just matches exactly. That’s why they’re so popular in porn. Ever look at a pomegranate in a photo? Sometimes it’s hard to tell if those are grocery store advertisements or just things that get you pixelated on tumblr.

[chickenonabicycle]

They sell grenades in your grocery store? I was familiar with the concept of an iron harvest but I'd never heard of that before. What do they taste like? I'd imagine they're spicy?

[elsewhere-library]

I didn’t know they put metals into grenadine syrup! That’s concerning. Do you have a source for that, maybe?

[chickenonabicycle]

Well I don't know where people source their lead but I heard the Romans used it as a sugar alternative and sugar is really bad for you so I think I'm gonna look into it I'll let you know if I find something

[elsewhere-library]

Even if you add sugar to it, that doesn’t make pencil lead more digestible. It doesn’t actually make it that tasty, either.

[chickenonabicycle]

no you've got it all wrong you're supposed to add the sugar to leaded gasoline so your car will go faster because sugar makes thing go faster and lead was used by the Romans for pretty much anything and ancient technology always works best because why else would they have used it for so long they were hella smart like smarter than today ever heard of Atlantis that entire island ran on sugared gasoline that's why we can't eat fish anymore today because when the island sank all the fish ate the gasoline and they became faster but also addicted to sugar but there's no sugar in the sea because the cubes dissolve if you throw it in there so they started to eat the salt instead because it looks like sugar like I once put salt in my coffee instead of sugar and it was nasty anyway I'm not allowed to have caffeine anymore today which is too bad because I always wrote the bestest essays on caffeine but today I did sneak in a red bull so I'm smartmaxxing that's what my friends on Reddit call it they have a podcast about it but it's edited really bad because they don't know how to use their DAW properly anyway why are you so critical of my driving habits I can do whatever the fuck I want you can't stop me you don't know me wtf

[elsewhere-library]

That’s all a lie and fuck you for calling me racist just because I point out that all Atlantans were actually white aliens who are the ancestors of everyone that is white today and they were so advanced. I did my research and the guy who tries to sell me supplements said it’s true and he even sent me a YouTube video with a lot of links in the description so it’s basically science. Admittedly I have checked none of those links and half of them link to X posts or the Epoch Times

But still

Anyway I think citing your Atlantean heritage as an excuse to drive while you’re high on caffeine is really fucked up. I actually have caffeine resistance because of my ADHD which is actually basically a superpower and it makes me a better person than you. I think it’s also because of Atlantis somehow, at least that is what my good friend the supplement guy said. And essays are really ableist as a test method. Yeah, sure, I can get adapted tests but it’s inappropriate I have to take any tests at all just to become a medical doctor. If you’re willing to put in all the time and go to all those lectures then it’s clear you’ll be learning a lot so you’re qualified.

[chickenonabicycle]

Idgaf about your qualifications that's still not an excuse to gaslight me about my own personal experiences? I once met a guy from Atlanta and he couldn't drive for shit!!! And I don't think a supplemental essay on his driving test would've ever changed that!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Actually, I think YOU should be the one who takes an additional driving test, because cars do not have gas lights. What the fuck. Are you just confused because people call the fuel for cars gasoline (or gas for short) in some places?

[chickenonabicycle]

If people need gas, can't they just fill up the tank with beans? Sure works for John.

[elsewhere-library]

I don’t care if they make you gassy, you can’t make a chilli sin carne without beans!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Idgaf about how chill you claim to be about bear culture, it's homophobic to say all they do is "carnal sinning"?! Wtf get off my post!!!

[elsewhere-library]

You don’t get to kink shame me just because my kink is saying homophonic things to strangers! I can’t help what I like!

[chickenonabicycle]

Uh yeah most humans speak in a homophonic way you twat that doesn't make you special. Get back to me once you learn how to sing solo polyphony.

[elsewhere-library]

I’m not “demanding an unearned honorific”, whatever that’s even supposed to mean in this context. I just want you stop mentioning my twat. Jesus Christ, have you always been so condescending?

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk if Jesus had a twat or not but if she ever descends back to earth I don't think it'll be because of your pussy specifically. You're not that special honey. 💋

[elsewhere-library]

You should never put honey on your pussy! The sugar will mess up your PH or something. That’s not good.

[chickenonabicycle]

You have a PhD in pussy eating? What was the topic of your dissertation?

[elsewhere-library]

Telling someone they eat pussy well isn’t a diss. It’s kind of the opposite, even!

[chickenonabicycle]

The opposition in your parlement was running on a platform to make cunnilingus mandatory for everyone over the age of 18 as a requirement to vote? How would you even enforce that? What about people without tongues???

[elsewhere-library]

You oppose Parliament hiring cunning linguists to smuggle in weird exceptions to new laws? So do I! You should join my party, the “angry and we mean it” party. We are annoyed at all the things going wrong. Solutions, you ask? No, of course not. We are the “angry and we mean it”-party, not the “using our anger productively”-party. They have the office next door. We’d work with them but we hate how they’re watering down the purity of good old-fashioned anger by trying to find solutions instead. That newfangled bullshit doesn’t have a place in our movement.

[chickenonabicycle]

Yeah I'm also pretty angry about the newest fad in office layouts. :( Open offices already sucked so much and now my boss is forcing me to sit in such a way that I have to make direct eye contact with my perpetually annoyed coworker at all times because, and I quote, "it improves empathy among personnel". I'm this fucking close to spiking the office coffee machine with LSD. I don't know if that counts as productive though.

[elsewhere-library]

Are you sure your coworker is LDS? I thought they were famous for the dead-eyed smile, not for staring?

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk if they play Nintendo DS but I don't get why you're assuming all gamers are dead inside? Have you ever played Animal Crossing? It's wholesome as shit! It's 2026 why do people still get so offended by the concept of adults playing video games?

[elsewhere-library]

You shouldn’t give your animals croissants, it doesn’t matter if they are made from Whole Foods or just the usual supermarket shit.

[chickenonabicycle]

No you're blatantly misinformed. Most animals can't swallow food whole. That's why they have teeth! How are you this stupid?

[elsewhere-library]

How do you know my name is Ms. Information??? Are you stalking me?? And stop asking about my teeth you creep!

[chickenonabicycle]

You can't just smash your face into looking better, you'll lose all of your teeth!!!!!!! They won't straighten out that way!!!! And you don't need straight teeth to look attractive in the first place!!!!!!!!

You can't regrow teeth!!!!!!! They're not plants!!!!!!!! They don't grow on stalks like corn!!!!!!! Wtf!!!!! STOP SPREADING THIS STUPID "ADVICE" PEOPLE ARE GONNA GIVE THEMSELVES TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURIES!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

Playing “smash or pass” at work isn’t “an impartial way to rate your face and teeth”, it’s just disgusting & unprofessional. You are horrible. And yes! I have TBI! That is a form of neurodiversity. It’s more than just ADHD and autism!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Kinda sus that you're fine with smashing people's faces in unless they're neurodivergent. Are you one of those aspie supremacists I keep seeing on my Reddit feed? :|

[elsewhere-library]

Look, I know they are going a bit far, but saying that those fucking aspie supremacists actually “just need to be smashed into the head until they’re cured” isnt actual better?? Do you get that?? And I don’t care that you like redwood digs, whatever that is. Good for you, I guess? But wtf does it have to do with our convo??

[chickenonabicycle]

Idk if people who like asparagus are supreme fuckers, I've never slept with one before? Most people I know can't stand the vegetable. And you say their wood is bright red when erect? That sounds like a blood flow problem.

[elsewhere-library]

Asparagus shouldn’t be hard like wood. And if it makes your mouth, and I quote, “go all red and hurt-y” I think you have just been eating twigs. Or maybe thorny branches.

[chickenonabicycle]

I think you might be allergic to aspartame actually. And it's normal for some types of plants to have thorns? Did you really think those were bio-engineered just to hurt you? Specifically you? Talk about main character syndrome!

[elsewhere-library]

Aspertame does NOT cause multiple persons syndrome. I think I read somewhere that that doesn't actually exist and it's just desiccation disorder. Isn't that fascinating?

[chickenonabicycle]

No but dissection is bad cuz you have to k*ll someone to do it 💔💀😭 Idc if we can learn more about sp*rm taming that way 😳😳😳 I dont wanna see j*zz do tricks anyway thats gross your weird get off my post 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[elsewhere-library]

Why tf are you censoring jazz music but not dissection?? What is wrong with you?

[chickenonabicycle]

Theodor W. Adorno (/əˈdɔːrnoʊ/ ə-DOR-noh;[10] German: [ˈteːodoːɐ̯ aˈdɔʁno] ⓘ;[11][12] born Theodor Ludwig Wiesengrund; 11 September 1903 – 6 August 1969) was a German philosopher, musicologist, and social theorist. He was a leading member of the Frankfurt School of critical theory, whose work has come to be associated with thinkers such as Ernst Bloch, Walter Benjamin, Max Horkheimer, Erich Fromm, and Herbert Marcuse, for whom the works of Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, and G. W. F. Hegel were essential to a critique of modern society. As a critic of both fascism and what he called the culture industry, his writings—such as Dialectic of Enlightenment (1947), Minima Moralia (1951), and Negative Dialectics (1966)—strongly influenced the European New Left. (Source)

[elsewhere-library]

I am not reading all of that, and it’s actually extremely sexist that you’d expect me to read your long-ass reply just to make you feel great. Fuck you.

[chickenonabicycle]

It's actually extremely sexist of you to assume I'd wanna fuck you just because you're trying to pull this dommy mommy Tumblr bullshit on me. You're doing BDSM wrong. And you never even do the dishes! I'm calling a referendum to vote you out of the polycule.

[elsewhere-library]

Voting and ranking inside the polycule, wasn‘t that what this one woman did who turned states evidence against that one financial criminal? Fuck, what was her name again? Or his? Anyway, I am surprised she got to post about all her BDSM stuff on tumblr given all those new advertiser-friendly rules. Or, well, I presume she just limited herself to text and mostly-covered photos?

[chickenonabicycle]

No that was an affair instead of a polycule and a bank robbery instead of a financial crime and a they instead of a she or a he, and it was economical theories on the influence of sound on the stock market instead of BDSM and it was Twitter instead of Tumblr. You're so misinformed! Google "sonic inflation" if you want to be a better human on the internet. 🙄

[elsewhere-library]

Sonic actually means something having to do with sounds, not with the Sims (the video games). Doesn’t matter if it’s a Sims mod, either, or if your sim is a bank robber or whatever.

but that aside, congratulations on your polycule’s handfasting! Many happy returns!

[chickenonabicycle]

Woah I didn't know Sonic was polyamorous? Is that canon? Man Sega really was ahead for its time! Guess I should've known, with his blue hair and pronouns. Is that why he was collecting all those rings? They were wedding rings for his polycule?

[elsewhere-library]

You can have whatever headcanons you want, redgardless of your sexuality, gender identity or anything else. And hair colour or wearing rings or other jewellery doesn’t have to define your gender! It’s really fascinating to learn about, but when you think about it, it makes sense - it’s not like there’s some natural law that means women are born with earrings. Or when you look at history, there’s so many things that seem weird to us but we’re totally normal and expected back then! I hope all those tv talk show people and politicians can calm down and just think about it for a bit, right? And of course maybe it’s not interesting to them, but everyone else should have the freedom to try stuff out, I think. I also don’t get the sports my brother is into or what fun my mum sees in acting in a theatre but I’ve decided I’ll just be happy they like it, and glad they invited me to try it out with them for a bit!

[chickenonabicycle]

Why are you being so empathetic. :( That's not fair. :( If people on the internet start acting empathetic all of a sudden, I look like an asshole when I yell at them and yelling at people on the internet is my only hobby. :( You're so rude. :( If you don't stop it I'm gonna tell the mods and they'll ban you. :( Didn't you know empathy is a sin? :(

[elsewhere-library]

Sinning isn’t pathetic, it’s dangerous! You will go to superhell with the soldier of god guy with the trench goat!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

Okay let's unpack all that shall we? Singing is sinful: why you do think that? Were you traumatised by an opera singer as a child? Did the church choir reject your audition? What's happening here?

[elsewhere-library]

So you think kids should only ever use opera as a browser? Because they told you so in church? What kind of church are you going to, that seems so random, I’m intrigued!

[chickenonabicycle]

Did not Jesus say upon the mountain, "Blessed are those who avoid Google Chrome, for they shall inherit the Adblocker"? Or was that just my copy of the bible? To be fair I did get it at an anarchist tech convention.

[elsewhere-library]

Jesus went to Mordor to buy adblocker? Huh, I think I need to re-read the Bible. I don’t really like the style tbh? And there’s just too many fan translations.

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh so when John Milton writes biblical fanfiction it's fine but when I do it it's blasphemy??? It was not OOC, you can't prove Jesus was not a catboy!!!!!

[elsewhere-library]

I though Milton Keynes was a nice area to live in? But if they have big problems with wild cats biting boys, maybe not? I didn’t even know they had wild cats in the UK!!!

[chickenonabicycle]

The Cats musical is an allegorical work about the British empire with an explicit pro-colonisation stance actually. Very rude of you to tell people to go watch Racism The Musical.

[elsewhere-library]

So cat allergies were a fake allergy spread as a status symbol by the British empire, and no one else ever had them before, and that means anyone who’s got a cat hair allergy hasn’t interacted with anyone not employed by the British East India Company and thus they’re racist? Holy shit, I never knew that! That’s so shocking! Thank you for telling me.

[chickenonabicycle]

Wait Mister Beast is building an empire ran by racist cats because he's allergic to British people? Is that real or did ChatGPT tell you that?

[elsewhere-library]

ChatGPT is not going to make Mr Best the glorious enlightened despot whose empire will lead us all into a brighter future. What even?? Yeah, democracy has its issues, but single rulers aren’t actually any better! They are, in fact, worse!

[chickenonabicycle]

Jesus what's wrong with you? Seriously? Politicians have to be married before they can get elected? No singles in parliament? Fucking Victorian bullshit!

[elsewhere-library]

That’s not what I’m saying! This isn’t about the Victoria Parliament in particular. Or any one organ of governance. I’m just saying maybe you shouldn’t get to give marriage advice if you have no formal training and no experience at all!

[chickenonabicycle]

...trains have organs? Like, the squishy organic type or the loud piano type?

[elsewhere-library]

How do you use oregano in your training? Is it a part of your meals or are you using your gardening as a form of exercise?

[chickenonabicycle]

Oh no no oreganos super illegal you mean cannabis I know they look similar when ground up but theyre very different I think oregno was classified as a biological weapon outlawed by geneva I think we should both scrub our accounts so we dontgget arrested for organo

[yuumei-art]

It's once again Witch Hat Monday!

I don't want Qifrey to become a Brimmed Hat, but if he did, this is the design that would cause me the most emotional damage. My headcanon is that Olly made the tassel glow to keep Qifrey warm, despite it all...

[two-wizards-in-a-trench-coat]

burnt out

[jethroq]

dialectics

[deadseacorpse]

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

Fellas, is it counter revolutionary to eat.

[biglawbear]

This is a reminder that any insane extreme position can be couched in progressive sounding language to try and persuade you of its validity, even positions that are totally contrary

[imyourbadjew]

[btc-official-deactivated2024071]

im gonna fucking cry

[zim-kinnie]

Whenever Americans use Cryillic like. That. I just. Instantly shrivel up an cry

[zim-kinnie]

Like idk how to tell you this but н isnt h and и isnt n

[skyheartstar13]

It’s true and you should say it.

[zim-kinnie]

Я isnt R

Р isnt P

В isnt B

[shipping-is-life-1-0-1]

If you want to explain, what does it mean then? 0.0

[zim-kinnie]

н makes n sound,и makes ee sound, я makes ya sound, р makes r sound, в makes v sound

[shimmedmilk]

you mean, like, ня?

[aveture]

oh no. It can be made with Cyrillic now

[zim-kinnie]

ня

[verminviscount]

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE EXPLAINED

[zim-kinnie]

НЯ

[degenerate-perturbation]

НЯ

[give-fnc-chocolate]

[zicygomar]

[exvind]

OH. GOD.

[lizord-lord]

THATS SO FUNNY

[wilwheaton]

[entelechies]

#my brain deciding what information to retain

[flork-of-cows-official]

s

[flork-of-cows-official]

It knows.

[unhappytogekiss]

a new reality tv show called So you think you can write Doctor Who

twelve episodes, twelve contestants - a mix of annoying middle aged sci fi authors, fan fic authors and random people off the street

a variety of against the clock writing tasks, big finish scripts, ability to interact with actors without shouting at them and challenges where you have no budget or doctor for an episode

judged by solely by christopher eccleston

this is how you find the new doctor who showrunner

[coldgoldlazarus]