In the past, when I have described the pervasiveness of BPD, I have repeatedly run into an issue/symptom that I’ve struggled to explain.
It is a phenomena that is actually very common among people with BPD, but for the most part, is classified under another subset of symptoms or never spoken about directly.
Object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed
Emotional Permanence, therefore, is the understanding that emotions (and other abstract concepts and expressions like love) continue to exist when they cannot be observed
Many people with BPD have difficulty recalling or recreating any given emotion without the stimuli behind that emotion being present
Issues with Emotional Permanence are particularly noticeable in our relationships with other people. I think that this is a major reason why we constantly seek reassurance, and why we are so often plagued by fear of abandonment. When a person in our lives removes an emotional stimuli via the absence of their presence or reassurance, we find it difficult to recall if that reassurance ever existed.
So, an example: Someone reassures us that we are loved, that we are not annoying them. We are comforted. That person goes away for a while, or doesn’t explicitly mention those words for a while. When that happens, we no longer recall being loved or reassured. While we can be provided concrete evidence of those reassurances, we cannot recreate, revisit, or properly reflect upon the intention and emotions within that exchange, thus we feel unloved, or begin to worry about being annoying.
This is typically when emotions skew towards a depressive cycle. We feel as anxious and depressed as we did before we were reassured the first time. So at this point, we typically seek out additional reassurance. If it’s given, it comforts us, but it does not prevent the cycle from happening again. (Sometimes it’s not given, because in a Catch-22 of mentally ill BS, we end up annoying someone by asking them if we’re annoying them too often)
Because this issue is so difficult to pinpoint, there aren’t many resources on how to cope with it. I don’t have any coping strategies myself (although I’ve been putzing around with a few- reassurance flashcards of some sort?), but I’m hoping to start a larger conversation on this. Meanwhile, I hope this can help people identify what they are struggling with.
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