I'm sorry mom

[dequiallo]

Suicide note

Hey, mom, it’s me again.  I don’t know if you will ever get this, since you’ve blocked my number and you haven’t replied to any of my last messages.  I just want to say I’m sorry But I can’t do this anymore

I’m sorry I ruined my life and our family I’ve tried so hard to get myself on track again But I’m all out of energy And I can’t fight anymore I’m afraid that this night will be my last The time has come when the voice telling me to do it  Is finally stronger than any reason I have not to So I’m killing myself tonight  And this time I won’t end up in the hospital I’ve made sure that no one will be able to save me 

I really wish that you’d do me the favor of forgetting about the past 10 years.  Remember me as the little curly haired blond girl you once born and raised. She doesn’t exist anymore, I’ve done an excellent job at killing every last bit of her. I chose all the wrong paths in life. I chose the shortest one.  I really wish I’d never lit my first cigarette, took a hit of my first spliff, tried pills in all the colors of the rainbow, snorted lines of powders and crystals or gotten over my fear of needles.  I wish I was somebody else mom. Maybe I get to be who I want to be in heaven. Don’t be sad, I have an arsenal of people I love who I know are waiting for me at the pearly gates with their arms open. I miss them so much, and I know that they miss me too. I wont be in pain anymore.  Don’t be mad at (My ex) mom, It’s not his fault. I decided long before I met him that I’d kill myself, he just kept me alive on borrowed time. He was way too good for me, even if you hate him, even if you can’t see what he’s done for me and only see what he did to me after we broke up. He’s good, and he will be good. Keep tabs on him, cause I know his life will turn out to be great.  Tell my brother that I miss him dearly, and that I’m sorry I never called. He was the best big brother I could have wished for as a kid.  And tell my cousins about me, when they’re old enough to understand. Tell them how I ruined myself, and everyone around me. Make sure they never step a foot on the path I once walked. Make sure I don’t have to welcome them to heaven before it’s their time to go. And tell them how much they ment to me, if they hadn’t existed I would have stopped fighting long ago.  I love you mommy, I’m sorry.

[dequiallo]

Say goodbye to the old me We ain't friends anymore You don't know me

[dequiallo]

20% of me wants to fix my life, get my shit together, make something great of myself and prove everyone who ever gave up on me wrong. The other 80% wants to go totally off the rails back to who I used to be, a fuckup, an addict and a criminal. Or hang myself up in a tree during the sunset.

me

[dequiallo]

I believe that with every person you have a moment. A moment that will change your relation forever, either for the better or for the worse. Like that moment when you feel like now would be the perfect for the first kiss, and you can see that the other person is thinking about the exact same thing. But if that moment passes and you don’t, you will never get that moment again. And it kind of scares me 

[dequiallo]

They never told us Time waits for no man They never told us Time never truly heals They never told us We will never be happy They never told us We are doomed to fall

柯智棠

[dequiallo]

If me as a child could se what I would one day become, I would have slit my throat. 

[dequiallo]

Life was beautiful once, then I ruined it forever.

Me

[dequiallo]

I always said I was one of the kids destined to blow their brains out. It’s fucking depressing isn’t it? Growing up doesn’t mean aging. It means seeing the world for what it truly is. Growing up means realizing that life’s all bullshit and your brains might as well be splattered across a wall. There is no such thing as a happily ever after, so fuck it. Fuck it all. When I’m good, I’m very good But when I’m bad, I’m better.

Me

[dequiallo]

Distorted hoes - Assaiah feat Snowflakes

See somewhere along the lines of evolution we fucked up It’s now a world of pollution, a world of confusion A world without solution, with no contribution It’s the rich mans world A world of made men with money and egoism A world of racism, fascism, sexism and terrorism   You need to listen, listen and share Cause our world without knowledge is a world in despair

Rap verse 1:

I don’t really care, I don’t really know I don’t give a shit cause you all a bunch a hoes giving thoughts to the tone of someones skin not about the monsters that’s hurting them within   cause everyones a soldier in a war that you don’t know about Everyones a fighter day in and day fucking out Fighting for their life and for the things that they love Fighting for justice for their friends in heaven above See while you’re wearing gucci o’ armani every day I’m thinking bout which friend is next to be slayed Or who’s gonna get himself hooked on cocaine Selling his heart and soul to the devil of pain Or someones little sister jumping infront of the train While you cozy in your house there’s someone out in the rain   Wishing she’d be you, and your problems be her own Cause your very worst day would be the best she’s ever known.

Chorus

I got all the drugs and I got all the pain and all the fuzz And you got all the spirit that looks above and I’m like whats up? when I see around i just see shit and i don’t know hat i just beep it but when i look around and i see theres a sound and i see this shugs and drugs

Rap verse 2:

I’m a sad girl but I’m hella gucci tight Trying my best to make my life seem alright But i’ve got demons and monsters and voices inside And a deep dark wish since my best friends died Cause the life that i’m living with violence and drugs Friends killing friends to act like thugs Aint’ a life that I wan’t my children to see I don’t want them to grow up and be like me My father fucked me over saying that I was a failure So I left his cracker ass and I became my own saviour I won’t let no one tell me i’m trash no more Cause I know who I am, aint no used up whore I won’t let no one hit or kick me no more Fuck with me and I’ll be starting a war Cause I was a little girl when I learned how to fight I know what the worlds like now, and it’s not alright Ain’t gonna lie about who I’ve been or who I’ve hurt But don’t pretend that you don’t know this life of dirt You cover your eyes and shut it out no more I’ll tell you about the world that you all tend to adore don’t tell me yo problems, fuck your complaints fuck your religion and fuck your saints You don’t know shit about the real life out here So why don’t you turn away, and make it all disappear

Bridge:

Distorted people, distorted places, distorted faces distorted love distorted workplaces

Chorus x2

I got all the drugs and I got all the pain and all the fuzz And you got all the spirit that looks above and I’m like whats up? when I see around i just see shit and i don’t know what i just beep it but when i look around all i see theres a sound and i see this shugs and drugs

https://open.spotify.com/track/3MpnQ9Q7JonpTY4iX4iQ1k?si=N2KGWZZUQ8G80BroQKibEA

[dequiallo]

I was supposed to die at 18

I always said I’d kill myself on my 18th birthday. Cause I’ve lived enough, through good and bad. And I didn’t feel a need to have a future, I didn’t want kids, a house, a family, a job, anything. Then he came along, and we made plans about everything from what our dogs names would be to what color the house we’d grow old and die together in would be.  And with him I wanted that, I wanted to live another 60 years with him.

Then he left

I used to give a shit Now I’m numb Cause now I know what I could of had, but was taken from me.  And I don’t want that future with anyone but with him.  I don’t want a future at all. And before him I was comfortable with that decision. Now I’m cutting up my arms again, until there is no skin left to hurt. Now I’m crying myself to sleep every night again. Now I can’t breathe and no one can help. And it’s not going to get better. Cause breakups from boyfriends you get over. Breakups from your entire life is a whole other thing.  And now I’ts too late to die young.

[dequiallo]

Tears

Why are tears so much wetter at night?

[dequiallo]

When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad, I’m better.

[dequiallo]

Maybe being suicidal doesn’t mean you want to put a gun to your head and pull the trigger, hang yourself up in a tree somewhere beautiful or throw yourself onto the cold steel of a railroad.

Maybe it’s as simple as turning down help for what’s killing you on the inside, knowing that your demons might very well one day do it for you.

[thewritingsofatraumasurvivor]

I Want (TW: Rape)

I want to be under my covers In the safety of my bed.  I do not want to be under you Being crushed by your weight as you invade me.

I want to be in pain from laughing Too hard at a joke my friend tells me I do not want to be in pain because you Are forcing your way inside. I want to be bitten by my dog Ever so gently as she plays. I do not want to be bitten by you With your intentions to cause me agony.

I want to be bruised from a drunken night Of lasting memories and friendships I do not want to be bruised because you Can’t resist digging your fingers into my flesh I want to cry because things are good And I’m so happy, it’s overwhelming. I do not want to cry because you Are taking my body and making it yours

I want to be screaming in excitement Because I actually won something in a contest I do not want to be screaming because you Won’t listen to my desperation for you to stop.

I want to be with someone I love Who makes me feel safe and secure I do not want to be with you The man who raped me.

[dequiallo]

[dequiallo]

As I lay here; 4

As I lay here Barely inside my room On the floor With not enough energy To close the door I’ve realized  That I’m not strong enough I can’t do this This is too much  I need help  I’m drowning And no one  Is reaching out 

[dequiallo]

"you can't love someone unless you love yourself first"

"bullshit, i never loved myself. but you? oh god, i love you so much i forgot what hating myself felt like."