Professional idot

crime is my hobby and i despise chickens with the entirety of my existence

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

grapes

[graphiteater]

just a lil thing

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Reading your posts feels like eating a banana, it’s kinda tingly and itchy and makes me very uncomfortable but I also like it too much to stop

you are allergic to bananas 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

are you uninformed loons really unaware that bananas aren’t SUPPOSED to cause tingling & swelling sensations?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

also potatoes are not supposed to give you potato sweats. pineapples aren’t supposed to be spicy

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

YES pineapples contain an enzyme that literally dissolves the top layer of the inside of your mouth. NO, most people aren’t able to actually taste that happening

[magicalrebelchild]

Wait, you aren’t supposed to be able to taste the enzyme dissolving your mouth?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

1% of people are but in general? no

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

shhhhhhhhhhhh

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

Anakin says equal rights

[azulapropaganda]

Someone just dropped their chickens in the forest next to our house and now every passing car honks cause they’re walking on the street it’s awful

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

im so sorry. hopefully they go away soon

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

if you ate some soup it would probably taste like soup unless it didn't and you started to wake up in the closet high on lsd

[microwaved-cheese-sandwich]

i am today

[that-is-not-milk]

hi today, im milk

[microwaved-cheese-sandwich]

*slurp*

[that-is-not-milk]

D:

[microwaved-cheese-sandwich]

:D

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

microwave the milk

[imagineyouricon]

imagine your icon as the protagonist of the last show you watched

[billciipher]

If you need a laugh please look at the tags on this post

[getintherobot]

[tiny-smallest]

… Steven Universe in… Steven Universe.

[cuddlyplaguedoctor]

Plague doctor (myself, in costume) in My Hero Academia. So, I’m basically a member of the Shie Hassaikai. Alright.

[dreamsequencer]

Susan Ivanova in TUA…. I’d watch the shit out of that

[limit-list]

oh my gosh… zuko as the doctor in doctor who…

[largemandrill]

Wow, this random fucking cat replaces Jeff in Community

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

ummmmmmm

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

oh well that couldn’t possibly be–

i–hold on, i need a minute

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

It gets more and more wild:

Big Nose George was killed by mob violence, despite already being sentenced by the court to hang to death for murdering 2 lawmen

The physician who performed the autopsy decided for some ungodly reason to have Big Nose George’s skin made into a pair of shoes. what doctor does this??? 

the doctor later gets elected governor. Guess which shoes he wears to his inauguration ceremony?

not to be outdone, his 15 year old assistant, Lillian Heath, keeps the top part of George’s skull. She keeps it all her life & uses it as an ash tray, a pen holder, and a doorstop. She goes on to become the first woman doctor in the state. 

what the fuck was going on in the wyoming medical field

here’s a closeup of the shoes, which are now on display in the county museum

what the fuck wyoming

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

My ideal Wikipedia biography

[so1987-deactivated20230102]

Me dissociating: actions…have consequences???

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

they better fucking not or im gonna be in some deep shit

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I was pretending to sleep so my mum started sniffing my neck and when I opened my eyes she turned into Snoop Dogg.

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

imagine going to bed thinking you'll have a regular dream only to have fucking snoop dogg smell your neck

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

don't eat the muffins

[leg-stealing-bee]

Y'all are pretty cool tbh

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

actually its pretty hot where i am but i can pretend and maybe we could start a club or something idk

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i spent 10 minutes trying to figure out which fire alarm was beeping only to realize i left the window open.

 it was a goddamn bird

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

the bird is going to set your house on fire

[ljza]

more pomegranate content

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

thank you

[catchymemes]

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

the biggest sad

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

good morning tumblr. something truly atrocious has appeared in my inbox (porpoise with human skin). for $7 i will refrain from posting this atrocity. you have 24 hours. yes this is a hostage situation

[crimsonvale-system]

Can we pay money to have you post it anyways?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

$12 and you have to promise to cry afterwards

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

thank you Tumblr for encouraging my creative pursuits!!!

Keep reading

[dissociatedcardboardbox]

thank you gaud, very cool