Place Pretentious Title Here

This blog is a shit show. I tag nothing, and live in regret that I can find nothing. I have no queue. It's just hours of relentless content.

[canichangemyblogname]

“All of it; he humbles me.”

[knownqueerbaiter]

so awesome how shane hollander basically needs dick to live

[knownqueerbaiter]

coxygen……….

[redead-red]

watching a movie at home circa like, 2001 was like

put your TV on channel 2 so the VCR will work

open up the clamp shell case that held the VHS that has that satisfying crrlikkkkkk

put in the movie

gdi it has to be rewound

press STOP and then rewind because its so much faster that way

start the movie and it takes a few seconds for the movie to actually start cause you rewound to the VERY beginning

FBI will get you if you illegally distribute or exhibit this movie

and then. because you forgot that movies are always so much louder than TV

COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD

QUICK LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay crisis averted.

although. these ads are kind of quiet. a little hard to hear.....

better turn up the volume...

THX

[audhdspacewizard]

Knowing that Eridians have much longer lifespans, and also he can't be at every school on the planet at once, Ryland Grace decides to record a bunch of entertaining science lessons with Rocky's help.

Hundreds of years later, Eridian kids still get excited when the substitute teacher rolls in the 3D shape projector, because they know they're in for an episode of Friend Grace the Science Ace.

[thagomizersshow]

You ever think about how weird hippos are ecologically speaking?

There's literally no other megafauna on earth that spends the entire day lounging around in water, mostly just socializing, only to come onto land to feed at night.

I remember when I used to do education programs on hippos, most people assumed they ate aquatic plants, and that that's the whole reason they were in water. Meanwhile, hippos are basically just giant nocturnal cows that eat only grass.

[weaselle]

most animals that start adapting to live more of their lives in water:

"i must grow my bones lighter and less dense so that i don't get trapped on the bottom and may float easier in this new environment"

hippos: "denser. heavier bones. MOAR dense. Make sink the most."

mother nature: but how will you get off the bottom when you sink?

hippos: Make muscles more too, give all muscle.

mother nature: and to stay warm in the water? a big layer of fat?

hippos: no! no fat only muscle.

mother nature: o....kay. And, you eat aquatic plants, that's why you spend so much time in the water?

hippos: lol no. eat land grass, like cow.

mother nature: i see. right. You eat mostly grass, so, flat grinding teeth?

hippos: hell no. big spike teeth. sharp big teeth. Biggest

mother nature: what, like lions? 3 inch fangs?

hippos: course not. giant fuck-off teeth, 18 inches. Also, not just one pair, three pairs of giant sharp teeth. give

mother nature: but you eat... grass?

hippos: yeah. lol. Sometimes eat a zebra tho. Or a antelope. Maybe eat a crocodile, you don't know. Give all teeth, giant fuck-off teeth. Most bone! most muscle! most teeth! Me.

mother nature: y'know what? fuck it, sure, here you go

hippo: ...

hippo: i'm very angry now

[weaselle]

so idk about layers, and they are not all the same size, but they have three pairs of large sharp teeth on each side of their mouth, or you could say six pairs of ...? anyway they have a bunch of molars you can barely see through the gums, and then they have these teeth:

looks like this in the mouth

so those are their, yeah i guess actually six pair of giant fuck-off teeth

[mythopoeticlicense]

They're less teeth and more of a defensive stockade

[snowsmoked]

Even after they come out, Shane is a private person. So is Ilya. And, look, Shane is very happy that the centaurs are so accepting. He really, really has to remind himself how relieved and happy he is about it. He also remembers that this is how locker rooms are. As captain of the metros, the amount of times he had to tell off a player for showing pictures of their girlfriend's breasts or ass to other players was uncomfortably high.

So he really should have expected the question, "so who is, you know, the man?"

"Excuse me?"

"Dude, you can't ask that," a very progressive Young advised. "You gotta ask who's the top. Not the man."

Shane exhaled slowly. He loves his team he loves his team he loves his team.

"That is private," Shane said firmly. "And inappropriate in the workplace."

He was, of course, largely ignored. And while neither him nor Ilya really enjoyed their team, their friends, the internet, and homophobic players guessing their bedroom arraignments, Shane was surprised that nearly everyone got it wrong.

The general consensus what that Shane was the man. His going out outfit was usually jeans and a t-shirt, Ilya's was tight leather pants and a leopard print with four buttons undone. When they drank, Shane got a beer and Ilya either got shots or the sweetest cocktail they had. Ilya was more flamboyant, Shane was more reserved. Ilya liked to bake, Shane liked to grill.

And yes, Shane was aware why all these seemingly innocuous personality traits accumulated to make Shane the man and Ilya the girl. Still, it didn't stop it being generally annoying, offensive, and uncomfortable. Nonetheless, Shane liked finding the silver lining in that this was something just for them to know.

Ilya finds it more amusing then Shane. And, like most things, tries to use it to his advantage.

"Shaaaane, carry my bag," Ilya held out his hockey bag.

"No."

"I can't believe you treat your girlfriend like this."

~*~

"Is it a happy bouquet or an 'i'm sorry' one?" Holmsberg asked as he and the rookies peered over Young's phone. "Get the all roses one."

"That's the most expensive one!"

"Dude."

"Shane," Ilya whined, calling their attention to him. "Why don't you ever buy me flowers?"

"That's messed up, dude," LaPointe shook his head.

"I'll buy you roses, Roz." Wyatt grinned.

"You will not," Shane grumbled.

~*~

"Ah," Ilya winced as he lowered himself on the bench.

"You okay?" Shane asked him. He had taken a hard check into the boards early in the game and, despite reassuring Shane he was fine, he knew his hip was killing him.

"Fine," Ilya said predictability. "Just sore. Will be fine in a minute."

"Hey," Zane nudged Shane's shoulder. "Go easy on him on game days, okay? We need him."

"Go easy?" Shane's eyebrows drew together. "What do you - Oh! No, that isn't - he - I didn't -"

"It's fine, man. Whatever you two-"

"No!" Shane interrupted. "He's still sore off of Richard's check - Not - Ilya, stop laughing!"

~*~

"Doesn't it bother you?" Shane asks Ilya one day.

"What?"

"That everyone assumes you're, you know," Shane gestured, a cute little blush on his cheeks. "The girl."

"There is no girl," Ilya raises his eyebrows and palms Shane through his pants. "I would know."

"Asshole," Shane scoffs. "You know what I mean."

"I know," Ilya smiled. "But no. It does not bother me."

"Why not?"

"Because it's hot," Ilya lifted his hands, over Shane's chest and up to his face. "That people can't even imagine you like this."

Ilya dips to kiss his neck and Shane's eyes flutter shut.

"Makes no sense," Ilya continued, hands roaming down to Shane's ass. "To me, I know this immediately."

"F-fuck off, you did not."

"Oh, I did," Ilya gripped his chin, forcing Shane to look at him. "I see you... those beautiful freckles and I know how desperate you are for it. So obvious. Thought everyone was looking at this boy thinking how good he would look getting fucked. How well he would take it."

"Ilya..."

"Shh," Ilya patted his face. "But I think is better this way. That only I get to even imagine you like this. Only I get to have it."

"Only you," Shane agreed readily, hands flying to the zipper on Ilya's jeans.

"Only for me," Ilya agreed, letting Shane take down his pants and boxers. He pressed down on Shane's shoulders, the slightest pressure getting him to sink down, eyes already heavy. Ilya ran his hand through Shane's soft hair, watching the gold of his wedding ring catch the room's low light. "Only for me. Forever."

[lavenderprose]

It may never come up in an actual fic but please know that every six months or so, Tin Roof Rusted Shane and his prominent anterior pelvic tilt are having to address rumors of his pregnancy. He's photographed with his hand on his belly because he was smoothing down his shirt or because he sometimes just?? Puts it there?? While he's talking (Moment that papers the walls of my brain: "I have my own well" [Hand on tummy like he's entering his second trimester] Why'd you do that baby? What was that??) and the title of the article is something like Ice Ice Baby!! Boston hockey's omega phenom is sporting some extra padding in these exclusive pics and inside the article someone who is identified only as "A source close to the couple" is quoted as saying, "Shane is really private, so I don't know how much I can say, but he and Ilya are really looking forward to the off-season."

Shane attempts to ignore it until his Aunt Janine, mother of Shane's most annoying cousin and the sister that David only speaks to twice a year at Easter and Christmas, texts him (Shane didn't even know she had his number) to ask if Yuna has any plans for his baby shower.

Shane blocks her number, sends out a Tweet that says something to the effect of My Body Is Just Shaped Like That, and then screams into a pillow.

The next time it happens, Shane almost breaks Kayfabe on his and Ilya's whole deal by posting a picture of Ilya loose-postured at seven in the morning, shirtless and clearly recently fucked, watching the coffee maker whir with beady eyes and scratching his tummy--which curves with the exact same postural tilt that Shane's does.

"He's glowing," says the Tweet. He deletes it ten minutes later. It's screenshot and reposted 130 times before noon.

"I always told you to stop slouching," Yuna says, every time.

[emmikay]

Zane Boodram: So what’s it like being married to Hollie?

Ilya Rozanov: Once, I asked him to bring me glass of water while he was pissed at me, and he brought me glass full of ice and said “wait”.

[snowsmoked]

I do think that Shane gets a Russian language tutor. He sees that Ilya is always having to think, speak, and translate in his second language. And he knows that Ilya is fluent by this point, but if he's serious about forever with Ilya (which he is) he wants Ilya to be able to communicate with his boyfriend in his native language. He also saw how much his grandparents struggled with learning English as adults and how much more expressive and talkative they were when they spoke Japanese at home together.

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

Though, maybe he shouldn't have learned those phrases at the same time, because Ilya will never, for as long as they live, allow him to forget asking, while down on his knees and with excellent pronunciation, please let me suck your tea.

[imsobadatnicknames2]

I know I already made a post to this effect but it's so baffling to me when someone defends the fact that headphone jacks are slowly but surely getting phased out by smartphone manufacturers with some variations of "wireless headphones are more convenient anyway" bc like. If we're talking about convenience what I like about wired headphones is that they conveniently have a single plug that makes the same damn pair of headphones universally compatible with every single audio-output-capable device I own, from my phone and my computer to my fucking gameboy and my casette player, it doesn't get any more convenient than that.

[fuglyjeans]

Have you heard about Bluetooth it's legal now

[rui-cifer]

yeah it's real fucking convenient to use a bluetooth headphone and have it die on me hour 8 of hiking up a mountain during my job. You know what's 1 less device I have to charge and has never died on me during a hike due to lack of charge? A headphone I just plug directly into my device.

[notthewriteryourelookingfor]

Maybe it's a boomer take but I want the option of headphones that plug in

There's no reason to remove a headphone jack

[ryebreadgf]

my dad is very intensely involved a battle with his city’s public administration over a playground they have tried to forcibly remove like five times in the past 20 years and DID remove once in like 2005 but then had to rebuild because my dad was such a pain in their asses and came through with undeniable receipts of the zoning plan from the 60s/the historic/cultural value of the urban planning…. like there’s a woman in the city office who is his arch nemesis. he is literally the daredevil of urban planning

[ryebreadgf]

everyone in the tags needs to stop saying they want to fuck my dad.

[lavenderprose]

There's a version of the Hollanov story where Yuna has just slightly less self control when it comes to her maternal anxiety spirals. And they're in Montreal but not for Shane-related reasons (David travels quite often for his job with the Treasury department and Yuna can work anywhere with a wifi connection and a horizontal surface to put her laptop on) and maybe Shane said Sorry, Mom, I know you're gonna be in town but I've got plans and Yuna said Of course honey, that's fine, it's only overnight anyway. Only now it's midnight and Yuna is in the same city as her son but she hasn't put eyes on him except through a television screen in months and something is not sitting right in her stomach. And yes she could take a Tums and try to forget about it and yes she could just quietly stew about it like she has in the past but her skin is crawling and she's gotten herself so worked up at this point and at this time of night Shane is probably either back from his plans or asleep so she just--

Goes.

And on the way she's thinking that Shane doesn't even have to know. She doesn't want him to know! Fuck, this is embarrassing for her and she knows how it'll look if anyone ever finds out but--isn't that kind of the point of being a mother? Being a little insane about your kids? And she promises herself that she'll just poke her head in and see if he's there and if he looks okay and then she'll GO and nobody has to know. And she's also thinking about the hours she spent driving in circles around their neighborhood when Shane was colicky just to get him to stay asleep for longer than a handful of minutes and she thinks about driving back and forth several times a week between Ottawa and Kingston when Shane was fifteen and had just been drafted to his OHL team and she thinks about all the vacations they didn't take and the way that she saw her whole life change form before her very eyes when Shane was eleven and a scout approached her and told her that her son was something special, something very special.

And this isn't any crazier than all of that right?

So she pulls into the parking garage and she takes the back way in, practically tiptoing already like Shane can hear her from all those floors up. And she gets in the elevator and scans the card to get up to Shane's floor and she tiptoes up to that door, too, and tries to make as little noise as possible on her way in.

The apartment is dark, almost airless, and Yuna for a moment wonders if Shane is even here, and if not where he would be at almost one o'clock in the morning. And then she's thinking Don't be foolish, Yuna, he's twenty-four and he lives in Montreal, he could be literally anywhere at one o'clock in the morning, and the voice sounds a bit like her own mother--

And then there is a sound from up the stairs and she realizes that it's music, playing realtively quietly, and she follows the sound of it up. It's coming from Shane's bedroom, of course, and she decides that this is more than enough proof that he is home and safe and alive, but then she hears a laugh and it--

Does not. Belong. To her son.

She's thrown for a whirl. Because what does that mean. There is a man in her son's bedroom who is not her son and what the fuck does that even mean--

Then Shane's voice does appear, just to say, "You're such an asshole," and the laugh comes back, louder this time.

And Yuna knows that she shouldn't. She knows that she's actively betraying her son's trust right now. She knows that she has absolutely no valid reason for moving towards the door when she now has proof that Shane is alive, well, and definitely has company of some...capacity that she doesn't know how to interpret at the moment (Though: Yes, she kind of does. There are only so many ways to interpret it).

But she's also not thinking very much at all, and her feet move sort of mechanically, and then she's peering through the slightly cracked door.

She'll realize, later on, that whatever cosmic accident or greater power formed this scenario did not do so with complete malevolence, because otherwise she could have certainly caught her son in a compromising position indeed. If she'd arrived even ten minutes earlier, she may have.

What she sees is already compromising enough. They are under the thin top sheet of one of the six identical bedding sets that Shane owns, and they are laying side-by-side propped against the pillows, not really cuddling by anyone's standards, but the thin sheet does nothing to hide that their legs are tangled together and the man (MAN) laying next to Shane has his hand in an extremely proprietary position on Shane's thigh. The music is coming from the phone in the man's hand, and they are watching it together, and Yuna--

Yuna is a fucking adult, and she knows what the words post-coital mean and what it looks like. And she is so violently embarrassed and her head is spinning with so many questions and so much regret that she almost doesn't realize who the man laying next to Shane IS.

Almost, because there is no power in the world that could prevent her from realizing that Ilya Rozanov is in her son's bed.

"You see?" Rozanov is saying, and it's absurd that Yuna's first thought is that he sounds different outside of press conferences and post-game interviews. Softer, younger. "This is called music video, Hollander. I know, I know, is very new thing for you, maybe scary-"

Shane snaps out a hand and slaps Rozanov in the shoulder, and Yuna--kind of winces, because that sounded actually pretty hard and she doesn't like the idea that she raised a kid who would treat someone they're in bed with that way--

But Rozanov grins, and Shane grins back, and then Rozanov is--rolling over and--

OH, oh God, she needs to leave.

And before she's out of earshot, she hears Shane say, "Why did this guy even want you in this music video?"

And Ilya fucking Rozanov says, "Well, probably they wanted big famous hockey player and they thought Shane Hollander, eh, too boring to ever be in music video--"

"Asshole," Shane says again.

And Yuna, despite herself, despite racing down the stairs as quickly and safely as she can in socked feet on laminate flooring, can only think, Yeah, asshole. They reached out to us first.

[qqchurch]

[experienceandobservation]

Zendaya | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon | July 15, 2026

[hellenhighwater]

I forgot to eat dinner so I'm having 11 pm corn on the cob. This counts as a meal

... It's possible that I really need to do some grocery shopping

[hellenhighwater]

Okay for those of you living in pitiful ignorance, take a raw ear of corn with the husk on and cut all the way around the base (as pictured: above the point where the husk meets the cob, so that the entire husk is severed but still wrapped around the corn. Do not cut through the cob.) Then, with the husk still on, microwave it for 5-7 minutes. It'll basically steam it inside the husk. Remove from microwave --it will be hot, so use a mitt or a towel--and firmly pull the top of the husk/silk, which should come off easily in one piece, unsheathing a flawless corn on the cob. If it doesn't, you probably need to cut a little higher around the base, so all the leaves are severed. No picking off silk!

[hellenhighwater]

For the nonbelievers (and for me, a second corn)

[hellenhighwater]

This website works so well

[ex0skeletal-undead]

The Masque of the Red Death, sculpture by Emil Melmoth

[lavenderprose]

And yes I DO think that Shane was velcro baby with Yuna and I think she let it go on just a little too long. In my mind, Shane is a rainbow baby several times over and Yuna just...never quite gets past that with how permissive she is of him as a young child. So yes Yuna IS going to pick up Shane from daycare at ten-thirty AM on a Tuesday because the teacher called and said he was having a difficult time calming down after drop-off. And yes there is a stretch of six months or so when Shane is six and struggling with nightmares during which Yuna and David do not have sex one single time because Shane is in their bed like clockwork by nine PM every night. And yes Yuna continues picking Shane up and balancing him on her hip until she literally cannot do so anymore. And she cries, somewhere where nobody can see her, the first time Shane doesn't reach out to hold her hand in the grocery store anymore--and he's already too old to have been doing it for this long but fuck. Fuck. And from the day she brings him home from the hospital to the night before he moves out of her house permanently at age nineteen, if he is sleeping under her roof, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she cannot go back to sleep without cracking open the door of his bedroom and checking to make sure his chest is rising and falling.

Sometimes, occasionally, on random nights, she'll wake up and she won't know why and she has to call him to make sure it wasn't some kind of sign. And she knows it's probably bad and she knows it's probably not fair to his sleep schedule or to whatever personal life he may be trying to have but she just can't help it. And usually she only has to call once for him to pick up, voice bleary and sleep-deep, and he'll just say, "I'm fine, mom, go to sleep," because he knows her so well, her velcro baby.

And then once or twice it's two in the morning and it takes three calls for him to pick up and by the time he finally does she's pacing in the hallway in front of her and David's bedroom and the sound of his voice, slightly out of breath and strangely awake for this time of night, strikes her with icy relief.

"Mom," he sighs, "Sorry, I'm fine, I was just--I was, uh, asleep. And I didn't hear my phone."

"Oh, that's okay," Yuna says, even though she can tell he wasn't asleep and isn't sure why he's lying to her. She's been encouraging him to, like, live a little. Go out for more than just team bonding. Be a little fucking wild--be a twenty-something in one of the most interesting cities in the world. Surely he knows she wouldn't judge him.

And then she hears a rustle of sheets and a clearing of a throat that sort of very clearly didn't come from close enough to the phone for it to be Shane's throat it came from. And as soon as she hears it she knows that she shouldn't have, and that she needs to forget she did, and so she does.

"A-anyway, Mom, I gotta get back to sleep," Shane says. "We're on ice first thing in the morning and Coach isn't gonna go easy after that shitshow tonight, so..."

"Theriault always makes it personal about Boston," Yuna muses.

"Yeah, well, it's Boston. So, um. G'night and I love you and tell Dad that I'll see him on Thursday after his, uh, banquet thing."

"Will do. Love you too, sweetheart." There's a beat during which Shane should be hanging up the phone, but he doesn't, because he can probably tell that she has more she wants to say.

"Mom," he says, a little impatient, but he doesn't hang up. Sometimes, Yuna is glad that Shane is her only baby, because she genuinely doesn't know where she would fit twice as much love in her body.

"Just--are you...I mean..." She wants to ask are you happy, are you lonely, are you WITH someone right now and if you are please just tell me if they take care of you--

But, of course, she can't say any of that because Shane really, truly is not the baby in her arms or the child wrapped around her leg anymore, and she has to make her peace with that even if it means not knowing if he's okay.

"You know you can always talk to me, right?" she says finally.

And Shane just sighs, still a little impatient and frustrated, but his voice is gentle when he says, "Yeah, mom, I know."